Me, Myself and Insanity

Eyes that speak of none but pain,
Heart that bleeds for nothing but vain,
Come now death for I beckon thee,
Come set this anguished soul free,
Rip shred and tear at thy will,
End this agony in a single seal,
Tears that prism colors of pain, throe and throb,
For ears heed only wails and sob,
Come come death,
My arms embrace thee,
Let this life from this body flee,
The disappointing race its led,
The misery this forsaken heart has bled,
Tears pour now to no avail,
For anguish seems petty and silly it is to wail,
Come come closer death,
Your darkness comforts,
For life so far has only hurts,
Oh death I plead thee come,
Wrench my heart till its numb,
Freeze my insides till it feels no more,
Send me straight to hells gates or heavens door,
Oh death become me,
Death I beseech thee,
Take my light for another,
Spare someone’s daughter, father or mother,
Embrace me for I beg their place,
Take this soul thats fallen from grace,
Blood trickles with every tear,
My eyelids speak of nothing but fear,
My lips quiver as I speak thy name,
For death thee can set my turbulent life tame,
Scarlet red is all I cry,
Ignore my fate death, carry me by,
Across the seas to heavenly serenity,
Or send me straight to burning purgatory,
Anything but the bitter pill that I unconsciously hand,
Nor the pain that I unawaringly lend,
Receive me death as my heart welcomes thee,
Now once and for all let this soul be free……..

In the light of the candle hope glimmers,
In the depths of your heart, your conscience tremors,
Fear embraces you in tight squeeze,
Your insides harden, your emotions freeze,
Terror blinds your sight,
You heave and failingly fight,
The fear of loss grips you like a vice,
And in a thrice,
You fall further than your eyes can see,
Deeper than your heart wills free,
As you fall, your eyes finds light,
Hopes take flight,
In the moments of your last,
Vivid flashes of your colorful past,
Your pines for long lost loves,
The innocence you once held flutters away like a pearly dove,
Looking towards the light, a miracle shines your way,
Let not the hope and love in your heart fray,
As your love left behind beholds a legacy,
Your tender touch has gripped me,
Clutching at my deepest emotions,
Unravelling my sincerest notions,
As you fade into the light of everlasting bliss,
Of you I will always know this,
You are the epitome of life in my eyes,
And even if time itself one day dies,
You my life, heart and soul,
On you nothing can take a toll…..
This is a tribute to someone lost. Someone who had "passed on" in their own way. The loss to those who cherished this beautiful person mourns this heart wrenching loss but look forward for heartfelt bliss and continous peace for them.

Wow!! It has been an awful long time since I’ve written anything!! I can almost here a few people scream at me “About time!!!” So sorry guys, I’ve been swamped! But here’s a thought I reflected upon recently and thought was worth killing some time and brain cells over!
Ever been surrounded by people yet felt painfully alone? Ever felt a million eyeballs on you yet you seem to sink into the background? Baffled? Or simply perplexed?? No, I’m not out of my mind. Sometimes loneliness just seems to creep out from the darkest corners of our heart, corners we had buried deep within our souls afraid of what it may reveal and at the same time unprepared to wage an emotional war with our own fates and most painfully ourselves. How do we conquer our deepest fears? How do we vanquish our most painful cognitions? All the emotions boiled up inside us have been concocted by none other than ourselves. Tears spill without reason; hearts shatter without purpose yet the pain of these devastations are the same in any other situation. Are these pains void of reason? Or have we simply pushed our fears and pains out of our conscious thought? I buried mine deep within myself, afraid to unearth it in any reason for the fear that if I do, I might find myself crumbling at its sheer abhorrence. The power it wields over me is, sad to say, paramount.

Yet, it was at one point that life itself took a jolting turn and circumstances were such that everything spiraled out of my control. I had no power to make decisions, view choices or even think in favor of anything. Living solely the life of a puppet, I came to realize that power is what we make of it. WE give power to what holds us. It’s the strength of our grip that enhances a thought, it is the impact of the touch we make that commissions authority and most importantly it is the emphasis we place that warrants our thoughts in the paths it is destined to tread. Persuasion it seemed worked. Well, at least to a certain extent.
Regretfully, life wasn’t a bed of roses or a stroll in the park. I was sadly misled with the notion that if we had a certain mind frame, life would paint a beautiful picture. Fate had a different idea; from being a non-assertive, take it a day at a time individual, cynicism and skepticism set afoot. A new person had emerged from the depths of the order. A person so different that even I had trouble understanding.
The new person had a new take on life and perspectives seem to differ in stark contrasts. The typical bubbly personality was erased to be replaced with a sordid, rigid and rather depressing person. I was in the pit of despair. The change so tragic that I felt I could not live with myself yet a suppressed fear that if I laughed I would have to repay that moment of joy with a shed tear tore at my conscience and there were moments were I was truly wrought with fear as I trembled to stifle a giggle. Naivety? On the contrary, it was perfectly rationale but unfortunately unpractical. Nightmares invaded the painstaking existence and sanity edged to the brink of defeat.
I had had enough. To hell with fate and its consequences. What power do I have over my life if I were to surrender my life to power itself? What life would I have if I were to let life itself run its course? How would I have a destiny if I believe destiny alone is a reason to live? A mind-blowing self-discovery propelled these various questions that I could not do more than I already had. I live, love and lead my life. My head, heart and soul is mine to cherish and I will let no higher power decide its betterment or otherwise. Such determination exuded from every part of me yet there was one question that kept egging a very disturbing notion to come forth to my consciousness. What of the loss of this control? What if I am indeed wrong? What if I can’t lead my own life? What if I can’t hold the power that I think is mine? One question?? Now there are millions!
I have to admit that till copious amounts of time have wedged itself between my current state and the time of my self rumination but for the first time (honestly speaking here) in my life I can admit that I am satisfied with how things have turned out. Truthfully, the tears still pour and those moments of loneliness comes to haunt me in my darkest hours and I do find myself curling up in corners at times but this just allows me to know that I’m still human. I still feel, hurt and I know that I may not acknowledge certain things and I tend to repress hurtful memories or emotions but I can safely look at myself in the mirror and say that I am Me. And thank God I am

Its been a whole month since I last wrote despite the fact that I had promised to make this a continous effort. Guilty as charged! Well, so much has happened since the last login and there is way too much to tell. Well for starters, the MM phase is now officially complete and we Mentors have officially ended our contracts. So sad... But no matter, new adventures have come piling my way. Class is now half way through and the pressure is now on as mid terms come creeping by. Being a tutor and also volunteering at the centre have opened my eyes to a new beginning. A different me, a better me. Less obsessed with trivial things like when was the last time I watched a movie (ratatouille- with the tp gang that is) and when was the last time I just went out to chill- (dinner with Rakesh), my mind is now filled with thoughts about others and their well-being. I was at first really apprehensive about going to Emmanuel Care Centre as I was not sure I would be able to connect with the kids especially since I have experience dealing with normal kids and not kids that have mental difficulties.

It was a very troubling brief period of time for me (right before I went to the centre) as I fought my inner demons that were whispering of the darkness that lay ahead of my path. Nonetheless, I stepped into the centre for the first time with a smile on my face and to my great suprise I found not discomfort nor uncertainty surrounding me but a ton of faces that looked up to me with adoration and great expectancy. I felt as if the children looked up to everyone else as their saviour, their knight in shining armor, their twinkling eyes almost pleading you to be with them. They were untouched by the demons that have invaded the minds normalcy. They were as clean as the white sheets just waiting to be filled with the vibrance that life would soon bless them with. But more than anything their lips and mouth spoke of no words greater than the ones that their eyes and smiles said, treat us like everyone else. They are just like everyone else. They feel. They hurt. They think and they know. They know when they are being laughed at. They know how it feels to be pushed aside. They know the pain of being looked at differently.

I saw love in the eyes of these children and not for a moment did I doubt myself when I was in their midst. Not once did I have to think of the demons that I had left outside the doors of the centre. Neither did I have to even second guess myself at what I had perceived as every notion, every move and every word these children uttered were plainly meant as can be. If anyone were to ask me what is truth, from this children I would say I have learnt that truth is, void of knowleadgable deviants without being ignorant. These children are untainted by the dark wisdoms of our culture and nature not by choice but by the blessing undowed over them by God.This is why they are God's special children. They are his chosen ones to show others what Adam and Eve had once been blessed with, void of deviant knowledge without the aspect of ignorance.

I thank my lucky stars for allowing me a glimpse into such a wonder and such a miracle of life. I might sound as if I'm truly gushing at this rather excessively but not many may understand these kids the way some of us do. Not many may bother about them. Not many may even care but I do. And I thank God for allowing me the ability to feel and love. This is one instance that I have to say

Love is Pure,
Love is True,
Love is Childlike,
and if you allow it, you can find love in YOU.

Another couple of days has passed since last friday but I feel rather obliged to immortalize yesterday (saturday) as it has been an immensely enjoyable day. The day started a little mundane actually as our mobilization at Taman Petaling took a rather slow start but we managed to perk things up in the script reading session as the kids drew energy to go through their practice session with exuberance. It was fun watching them try and work hard at achieving their own intended individual goals. But after our mobilization, Samenti, Kaleena, Grace and myself decided that we would head on down to MidValley to search for face paint for the kids drama act as the deadline for the production was drawing eerily closer minute after minute. I could almost feel my heart race the minute I thought of this subject in particular. But after nearly 2 hours of scavenging, our efforts were fruitless. The disappointing visit to Toys R' Us (where we were told to go moreover) and MegaKidz as well as Jusco and ToyCity had dampened our spirits. The only slight picker-upper (yeah I know I just made that word up, its my blog, so sue me! hehehe) was that Sharanya had joined us just as we left the last place (Jusco) and we all decided that we needed a little fuelling so we headed off to Anna Lakshmi for a nice traditional indian fare. Being students, we are very budget conscious and Anna Lakshmi was the apt destination for us (you can enjoy a good meal and pay what you feel is appropriate to what you have consumed, its a charity joint) so we marched right there. Being girls, our hearty meal was accompanied by cheery banter, cheeky laughs and girly giggles. For the first time, I felt that I had truly bonded with my Mentoring Mates and it was really super fun as we laughed, ate and drank together. After all that, we decided that we still needed to get some white cloth for our banner so we headed down to Kamdar as our final destination as Kaleena needed to go back (and so did I!) There we had some fun with the guy who served us as our darling Grace addressed this guy that was no older than we were as "Pak Cik" As soon as she uttered these words the four of us burst out laughing and she blushed from head to toe. Even the guy had to smile rather shyly. It was hilarious and the joke stuck throughout as the guy began addressing Grace as "Mak Cik". Poor Grace was trying her level best to keep a calm face but she looked so flushed that a mere glance at her gave her away. Sharanya continued the joke by taking almost forever to decide how much cloth to get for the backdrop for her team. On a normal occasion it would have been exasperating but here it was more fun than irking. Moving on, we headed back to the LRT station as Samenti and I had parked the car in Asia Jaya and that I needed to drop Kaleena back. Before leaving MidValley though it was decided that Samenti would go back to Bangsar with Sharanya after getting her car as she wanted to check out this shop that was supposedly selling face paint. So we parted ways with Grace at the LRT station and Kaleena, Samenti, Sharanya and I headed to Asia Jaya. Upon reaching Asia Jaya, Sharanya announced that she was hungry and we all decided that we could do with a nice cold rootbeer float (it was scorching hot that day!) Kaleena rode with me while Samenti and Sharanya rode together. After getting to A&W we ordered our floats and curly fries (I had onion rings as usual) while Sharanya had waffles with ice cream, we sat down to another session of laughter and chatter. So after more laughter, giggles and talk we said our goodbyes and left at about 5 plus. I drove Kaleena back to One Utama and headed back for my alternative refuge. As ordinary as this may seem to some, I have to say that it was rather fulfilling for me and I enjoyed Saturday more than anything. Apart from meaning that it was enjoyable in the "lepak" mode, I felt that I had discovered a more relax part of my colleagues and for the first time, we weren't mere colleagues but we had become truly friends.

weeelll, i know i sorta promised a daily account of things but i haven't been able to find the free time unfortunately.... So sad so sad.... But ive gotta say that apart from the last 8 days, it has been absolute fun! I mean I joined this program called Mentoring Malaysia and wow! was i amazed!! i mean, its funny to think that psychology students are so excited about virtually anything.... ( a mere trip to Rimba Ilmu aka the Jungle of Knowledge was a blast! and well, being a person who is all for the positive youth development! god i will remember this phrase till my very end thankz to ARCCADE which by the way stands for Asian Research Center for Child and Adolescent Development) Though I felt a little sad that I had genuinely sacrificed my holidays (we were required to come in practically everyday to college for some reason or the other, trainig, briefings, etc etc...) but man, I could never have chosen a more productive way of spending my break! being a mentor has definitely changed my perspective and this experience has been a ground breaking one in my life!!! Many people misconstrue the field of psychology as being able to comprehend practically everything and most people turn a bling eye to the very fact that psychologists or psychology students are human beings juz like every other individual. We're not perfect and neither are we the poster children of angelicism. But well, i have to say that this has been a one in a lifetime chance and I truly owe my inspirations to people like Dr. Brendan (who is almost ALWAYZ POSITITVE, really, you can tell him anything and he'll show you the silver lining! quite frustrating at times to see someone so cheery! hehehe!) then there's Patricia (she's a ball of fun though she's not even close to a ball! but well, Pat juz has this way of making everything feel great!) Jaime is the quiet one (really, she is so docile that you can never imagine her mad in a million gazillion years!) Usha is another fun person though she is also a little quiet ( and they say I sound like her, sheesh, i sound like a wacko next to this completely calm and rational person! hehe) Jasmine is a ton of fun! The larger than life person who juz exudes vibrance as she lights up even the largest space with her spirit of fun (though she does seem to be perplexed with BM, yeah she's from UK so she's not well versed in Bahasa) then we have Eric. Eric looks a little serious but don't let the serious glasses fool you! He's as quirky and filled with a sense of humor that matches anyone elses. (GO ERIC! hehehe) then there's Daniel. Daniel is perhaps the most quiet and docile human being I have EVER MET!!! i mean really! he's soft spoken and always wears a smile! Honestly, I wonder where he has the energy to stay so calm and sane everyday!!! ( imagine his dedication, he travels 4 hours to and fro to work... he must REALLY love kids!!) and thats all of em at ARRCADE! but i must say that apart from working for remarkable souls I had the pleasure of working WITH wonderful peers. Kaleena is a sweet and warm friend, thats glowing with spirit and cheeriness. Grace is just as sweet as Kaleena and Grace has a sense of warmth that fills the team with so much security (she interns at ARRCADE so she's like OUR big sister! hehehe) and she LOVES purple! Janice is a quiet little person but you can totally rely on her to help! Mrema is fun and always ready with in put and help! then there's Samenti our team coordinator. Samenti is fun and always filled with positivity and she's super cool! and then there's me!! I'm not about to describe myself but for those who know me... hehehe... you know me! well, im signing off now! A fun and totally wonderful day!!!

Well, well, well, seeing that this is my very first post I think a little introduction is in order... SO, my name is Deeviana Sinnu and im currently 19 attending HELP University. hmm... i rather dislike describing myself as this is my BLOG and not my BIODATA. So if those out there who wish to seek the additional info about me and my various insane questst do check out my profile as well. Im insightful when I choose to be all prophetic and I can seem a little weird at times ( you've been warned! ) I'm a psychology major but please people, STOP with the psycho quotes and jokes! I'm still sane you know! (or at least I think I am) I am open to criticism about all I am about to post in the future so please leave your thoughts and CONSTRUCTIVE criticisms as they are more than welcome (do not spurn my wrath with your words of folly! for the consequences are dire! you have been warned!) hehehe.... so for all you people who know me, HELLO once again! and for those who don't its nice to meet you! and hoping that this may be another blogging experience worth holding close to heart!! I already have another blog which is evidently filled with more stuff than this so if you are a little curious, you can check it out. It will serve as a small preview to what you are about to witness in the future though I intend on making this blog more personal. http://dee_88.blogs.friendster.com/pages_of_my_life/ ADIOS AMIGOS!!! catch ya soon enough!

Sometimes i wonder,
If the only parts of my life are all errs and blunder,
Pain and sorrow engulf me,
My heart yearns a moment to be free,
But blinding pain is immortalized,
As rejection, betrayal and denial is realized,
False hope implicated,
More antagonizing moments these emotionscreated,
Every tear that streams by,
Resembles a singular lie,
That my heart has managed to deceive,
In failure to receive,
The only feeling my heart yearns for,
That one true love will come knocking on my door,
Yet only angst seems to come my way,
As i sit by pain, i pray,
Won’t fate sympathize,
Won’t god hear my desperate cries,
The endless tears I shed at night,
As I clutch my heart and and weep all my might,
So much pain has this heart endured,
Nothing in life had i allured,
Gone are the days of smiles and laughter,
Those are but a memory long after,
My life embodies what fate defies,
My heart gives life to what fate denies,
All of which i end in turmoil,
As my heart is toy played with and toiled,
I am nothing but a lifeless shell,
And you have heard a tale and all that it has to tell,
So now decide,
If god does abide,
To cries and prayers,
As i have waited an eternity in my lifeless years,
As baring my soul,
I let my tale unravel,
I allow it to unfold

Nights once veiled in obscurity,
Tainted from view and clarity,
Overshadowed from the glimpse of light,
Prescience of joy eluding sight,
As dusk settles,
The truth nettles,
Where the veils are lifted for a glimpse at the harrowing eyes,
Eyes that justice and joy denies,
Sorrow that brims from the eyelid,
Pride that seems worthy of a mere bid,
Destiny entwined with a meaningless existence,
Nothing to account for but mere presence,
Her tears brings storms of agony,
Her pains so many,
Yet, a pillar of strength she stands,
Her family through everything she defends,
A rose in a barren land,
She is the gentle hand,
Caress and hold,
Unflinchingly she molds,
Character and love,
The blessing from the stars above,
As the light slices through the dusky night,
The angst takes flight,
Twinkling stars clutter the now lit skies,
And destiny is defied……

"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend your right to say it anyway". Friends.
Loyalty, sincerity, compassion, exuberance and so many more criteria make up the ideal companion at any given time, a friend. I always believed that the basis to every existing relationship would have to be the combined efforts of both trust and loyalty. I chose the word loyalty instead of devotion as I found that devotion was a word that was too strong. Devotion called for support without question but that goes against the very principle of individuation. How is anyone supposed to conform to something without the slightest ounce of intrigue or even curiosity? Is a friend true when they require you to stand by their side even when you feel that what you are backing goes against the very nature of your beliefs?
How does friendship call for all this? Well, to me friendship is something that brings out the best in people. It brings out the differences in individuals and accentuates these deviations for every person is distinctive in their own natural way and it is more than wrong to expect them to compel to emotional bonds by suppresing their true individuality and most importantly, their conscience and conceptions. Friendship has been the bond that has held its respect true to my heart all this while. It requires the firm and unbinding commitment that we bestow upon it and never has demanded for more than we are able to give. This is quite the contrary with other relationships, including romantically insinuating ones.
But then again, the main question at hand would be what is the perfect friendship then? A person who’s always there to share your ups and downs? A person who knows your troubled by the mere sound of your voice or? A person who senses that you need them even without the slightest indication that you had thrown in their direction? I am more grateful than proud to say that I have friends such as these and never have I once felt like I was alone thanks to their constant care and reassurance. Never was I alone, with their continuous and unwavering faith and guidance. Everytime I shed a tear, every second that I was even remotely inflicted with pain, they were right there by my side to carress and soothe my injured self-esteem. But right there at that very moment I had found individuals who had held me close to their hearts and cared deeply for not only my well-being but most importantly my sanity and clarity of emotions.
I have no displeasure in saying that there have been people that surround me with the notion of being "friends" but then again all that they had wanted is an oppotunity to use me in their own favor. Well, being used isn’t something new to me but then again I had consoled myself that I had better and more worthy friends that I could always rely on. Friends that cared about me because they loved me as the individual that they had come to know and that they had seen grow over the years. One thing that I have realized with unbinding relationships especially ones that are bound by emotion but relent of all other forms of commitment, we find most of our friends drifting through time and space over the years leaving only bits of memoirs and reminiscence to filled the void in which their presence has left. It is truly difficult to watch them leave as you find a part of yourself torn apart as they leave, but then again that leaves more space for more friends.
The most beautiful miracles that I have found in life are the friends that I have both lost and earned throughout my life. I can’t even imagine a second without the very beings that so unselfishly and endearingly bestowed their time, thought and care for me. They are the family that I never had and they are the blessings that God chose to bless me with. No matter where they are, no matter what they do, no matter what happens through the course of time, all they have to do is think of me when they needed someone by their side, I will always be there. All it takes is a single thought in my direction and I will be there. A friend indeed is a friend there in need or otherwise too.
This is a little something that I feel I owe all the wonderful people that have so patiently and lovingly graced my life. These people have been more than wonderful in allowing me the chance to glimpse through their own lives. I love you guys and all that you have done for me. Your mere presence in my life has been the core of my existence and there is nothing more that I can say or do to tell you how much you guys mean the world to me.
1) The prefect board n PBSM n Eng Society n Recycling Campaign n every other association I had been a part of. (2001-2005)
2) SMKSJ and SKSSJ ( for your wonderful years of education)
3) Inti College Subang - for the wonderful year that I had,it was the best year of my life.
4) All the juniors that I have left behind to carry on our legacy. Our continous love and support will always be yours.
5) Last but not least, to my truest friends that I have come to know throughout my life:-
Sarah- my conscience
Naji- my fun factor
Joshi- my darling junior
Rakesh- a friend indeed
Yvonne- the adorable sweet girl
JP- my fav and darling "penolong"
Kiran- the voice of my intellectual reason
Jason- the sweetest guy i know
Syamin and Sara- class wud never have been the same without u guys
and for the people that i had not mentioned, my apologies but rest assured that u will forever hold a place on my heart….

Smiles and frowns,
Ups and downs,
Tears and laughter,
A story of before and after,
Life thats filled with these little miracles,
Of little trials and debacles,
The cherished moments spent in its presence,
Tributes and penance,
All of these make us human,
Though it may sound common,
These natural beauties are the magic that life bestows,
The morning that we awaken to the raven’s crows,
The night we embrace with a glimpse of the moon,
Just hoping that soon,
Life would bring another miracle to sight,
With this hope close to heart we kiss darkness goodnight,
Slipping into a night that falls with veils of shimmering dreams,
Flowing and weaving around us like soft colorful streams,
Heaven’s gates open and we ascend,
This is the magic that the night sends…..

I wonder if there was anyone else who has felt the things I’ve felt in my life. All the amazement that I have seen. All the pain and turmoil that I have encountered. Often I look at others and see that they seem as calm and blissful as ever. I perceived life in their eyes was a stroll in the garden, but then again, I asked myself, how often would someone else glance at me and arrive at that same notion? Often enough. The thing that I find is so spectacular about human emotions is that no matter how hurtful, painful or agonizing it is, with sufficient will power and determination, even that is successfully repressed. Now, I wonder, though privacy in regards to emotions are typically essential to every human being, how necessary is it really? And is it really healthy to suppress something so significant to our entire subjective and collective self?
I have had moments of agony where, internally I was torn and twisted into irreplicable knots. Worst still, I had found myself desolute of hope and wondering around like a barren land void of hope. But yet, inexplicaly, I had found it in myself, to completely repress these harrowing emotions and smile and laugh as if nothing had ever occured to daunt me in the least. I can recall that day as if it had just passed moments ago. I had laughed jovially, joked, went about my routine as normally as ever and not an ounce of difference was detectable. I had to admit the facade was simply ingenious (even if I do say so myself) but the formidable issue of this entire self-discovering affair was that I was completely oblivios to my angst at the time of my little charade. I had completely forgotten about somethig so plaguing within a matter of sinking into the character I had moulded myself into! No doubt that the event was magnanimous to me, but how is it that something so eventful was capable of being overshadowed by something so trivial?
This brought me to question the mannerism in which we successfully manage to not only repress but push and bury such heart ripping pain. To completely push these significant matters into the unconscious or sub-conscious part of our mind in order to project or potray and image of normality or even perfection. Imagine how people live their lives. I am sure that I am not alone in this world when I claim to using this mannerism in dealing with matters that truly wrench me. Unable to cope or face certain predicaments, I either shun it out of myself or I supress and contain all emotion and thought relating to it.
So just imagine how many individuals walk around as casual and normal as every other person but at night they shudder and cry their eyes and hearts out. I have seen individuals who wear their hearts on their sleeves. What do I mean? Simple. These are the people who shed a tear for the slightest issue, they seem frenzied and neurotic. Always troubled and basically their emotions are a wave pattern. Both bad and good occasions are clearly emotionally depicted in their very facial expressions and they are neither afraid nor reserved in showing these emotions, in fact, they find great pride in flaunting it. So now we start asking, are these people for real? It seems a little dubious but yes, these people thrive on the attention their unseemingly shameless display or parade of emotions garners. Its not really as pathetic as it seems, in fact, to most people these are the people that you could say are emotionally honest to both themselves than most people are.
I have to admit for a while I was amongst those who would be classified as an emotional liar or in politer terms, emotionally restrained [this is to salvage the remains of the massacre my brutal honesty has imposed upon my self esteem so pardon the pun ] I won’t say that I am more open with my emotions than I was before as that would be a lie, but instead I chose to mediate my frustrations to other means then suppression. Whenever I felt oppressed or the sudden surge of anger that once in a while rears its ugly head from god knows where, I retreat to my silent corner for some silent moments to sort my head out. Bear in mind that any annoyance or interruption in any forms during my realization period would most certainly end in disastrous outcomes and ermm, severe penalties. I don’t wear my emotions out front as I am a character that prefers the subtility of my emotions to be safeguarded. I live on privacy and I thrive on it. I go by the principal, "Share your joy all around, but share your pain only with your conscience" so getting me to splurge out a wave of tears about how pathetic my life has coursed out to be is highly something that the forces of nature will reckon with
But I have to say that despite all my flaws and my secret hidden wonderings.. (trust me, I have nothing more than thoughts that plague not my curiosity but reasoning) and more importantly my limited display of negative emotions, I am a person that is truly satisfied with who I am and what I have turned out to be. I have learnt to accept and forgive, move on and live hard. I hang on to the instinctual moments of importance and let go of all hindrance and today I stand as an individual with both flaws and qualities that I am honestly ashamed and proud of ( honestly now, people who tell me that they’re proud of their flaws definately need to get their heads checked, hello! people! their called FLAWS for a reason!) but most of all at the end of the day when I face judgment I can claim satisfaction in who I am, but most importantly I can do so honestly.

Another year comes knocking on my door and before I know it, I have crossed over from the last year of my teen hood into the sultry life of being a young adult. Interesting notions begin penetrating my mind frame. Are there any changes that might occur in this transition? I should act more maturedly from now on as I will be expected quite a lot in terms of responsibility from now on. Such thought comes flooding through my mind and the responsibilities of growing up came shadowing through so fast that I lost track of the beauty of a birthday as it is.
Why do people celebrate birthdays in the first place? If we were reincarnated or as I tend to believe thrown down from the gates of eternal bliss into a world brimming with turmoil, loss and frustration, should such a sorrowful day even be celebrated? Sounds a little weird doesn’t it? Well, do pardon my morbidity at this point. Just that practicality, or rather how I view practicality tends to draw on from the questions of darkness. Well, coming back to the issue at hand.
My birthday was not an extravagant affair. In fact, it was no affair at all. I spent the whole day on a well-planned routine on how my average day would run like. Though to some it may sound depressing, I found that it wasn’t so to me. Birthdays aren’t always filled with streamers, balloons and a plump juicy chocolate cake with its glaze gleaming in the dim beam of a candle light that brings out the sparkle in everyone’s spirit (with that description, I do find it rather tempting to have it though). I grew a year older but what I saw that day was the moderation of how life is lived. The birthday was not undermined in fact I found that it was glorified by the simple wishes of my friends and family and these simple wishes that came from the bottom of their hearts meant the world to me compared to a big lavish party that most people would like to have. Don’t have me mistaken for someone who is introverted for I most certainly am not. Inexplicably, I found that I was calm and the day was filled with the simple pleasures of warm hugs and sweet smiles all around. The kind dulcet tones in my parents voice was particularly apparent today and I cherished the look of love in their eyes that spoke a million words.
The "party" or the happening part of the excitement was the jubilation was seen when my friends came bursting with joy and wishes. Their excitement exceeding my own, having thump my back with a cheerful wish and grins stretching from ear to ear. Although in no way did this particular day affect them in any manner but they found it in them to enjoy this day with all the enthusiasm all in the means of ensuring that I have the best birthday ever. Although some had gifts and others didnt, I didn’t look at the gifts at all, it was the mere act of them competing with each other, trying to be the first to wish me or trying to be the last person I receive a wish from before this beautifully fateful day comes to an end. Their joy was the party and the "livewires" of which electrified my day, or so to speak.
Gifts. No birthday is complete without gifts. Some came with small gifts, others came with extraordinary ones and facts be facts, most came with none. But these little material treasures were not what my heart received as the trophies of the day. The little whispers of "Happy Birthdays!", the over-flowing pile of messages from even I might add complete strangers (which I might add yet again that I have no idea how they got my number in the first place) and the calls made in the wee hours of the morning to wish me a good year around. What I see in this is the beautiful effort taken into keeping awake to actually wish me at the break of dawn. A gesture that till now brings tears to my eyes. These are the simple jewels that remain the shining gems of gifts that I had been blessed with on my birthday, not the trinkets, or the artfully presented, magnificent gifts. Though these are also welcome and appreciated as they too needed some form of effort in attaining and assembling.
So as you can see, my birthday was much more beautiful than a million dollar party. The day itself was a celebration in entirety to me. Being around my loved ones, with friends and family all finding the simplest yet most beautiful ways of showing their love and affection and making tiny yet considerably memorable attempts at livening up my day and keeping my best interests at heart. What more could I ask for? Many people mistakenly interpreted an absence of a birthday bash as me being a shy introverted type or that I was rather unappreciative of such a beautiful event. Some even dove to extreme ends by telling me that they thought I simply did not know how to live life as I was rigid and mechanical and did not know how to have fun. For those who know me well enough, they will clearly dispute this fact with sheer conviction. Well, I can understand the misconception but most people don’t see things in the same light as I do. To them a night-long party is the way into opening into a new year as it should be done with a blast and loads of fun. Some believe that how we celebrate the first day will reflect throughout the year and some believe that it is just another means of celebrating an occasion. For both reasons I chose to lead my day like every other day with these simple presence was because if every other normal day were to be embraced with the same love that I received and held close to heart that everyday would be a blessing from heaven to me. And if my birthday was to act like an "opening ceremony" to my whole year, I couldn’t have wanted it any differently as I found these simple, sincere and truthful gestures to be the best gifts I could have received compared to the wishes from invitees who were pre-informed of a bash and only knew it was my birthday as there was something in it for them. The way I chose brought me closer to the people that deserve a place in my heart and well simply saying, I chose sensitivity and tranquility over extravagance and uproar. That is what makes a birthday beautiful, the magic in how we perceive it and to me that magic revolves around this simple yet beautifully graceful presence of love and loved lives.

The morning begins with a single thought,
Of what the past and present has brought,
Though my eyes brims with tears,
The fog in my mind clears,
My conscience sees light,
My eyes now unblurred in sight,
My tongue speaks with truth,
My innocence untainted by youth,
My wisdom climbs another rung,
My pride now sung,
A new life has come to embrace,
My presence with beauty and grace,
A second chance that I cherish,
At last granted is my unspoken wish,
Fate turns in a new path,
Void of anger, resentment and wrath,
I live a life of complete earnesty,
And each day is filled with its own beauty and pleasantry,
Nothing more do I have to as for,
As god has opened a door,
A door to a world of redemption,
And I have paid my dues and retribution,
With tears and pain that I had not anticipated,
It had left my soul very much depleted,
But nevertheless life has forgiven,
Allowing me another chance into heaven,
As the gates of chances open,
And pain and suffering dampen,
I grasp onto a new tomorrow,
A chance for me to grow,
Bloom and flourish,
This is my unspoken wish….

There are moments in life where I simply wish I could undo somethings or redo some of the times of my life. But specifically if I was granted one wish it would have been to be able to go back in time and tell myself to wait. Just wait. Have a little faith and patience and all good things will come my way. Don’t let fear and intimidation be the factor in my decision and don’t let the notion that I’m not good enough intervene to make things the quandary that has now manifested itself into. Things in life seem so complicated especially when it involves the matters of the heart. They somehow manage to entangle and enfrustrate my poor sound sense of judgment making my existence as miserable as can be. I have struggled and fought through a life wrought with misguided notions, misinterpreted responses and moreover, miscontrued preconceptions that have turned my tiny little world into a frenzy that I had least expectated. The one soul that I so longingly yearned for now seems utterly void in existence and the one person that I believed would provide me with the happiness that I so desperately yearned for has deserted me in times of despair. I remember those moments where I would like on the bed in a pool of tears virtually crying my eyes out for days and days. Those memories still jerk some strangulated fixation of emotions in the pit of my stomach till this very day. Telling myself very bravely that I have surpassed all the anxieties and the mishaps of my pass day after day after day, today I’ve decided that for one single day, I shall be honest to my feelings and to myself. I haven’t completely overcome my angst. If I had, I would not feel like crying everytime I recall those bitter incidents, I would not feel like my heart was ripped out of me everytime the notion that I had lost you for good comes to play in my mind, I would not feel like an outcast in my own body whenever I recall that you HAD liked me at one point of time but that time had faded with the passing of the clouds. Painful yet utterly and horrifyingly true to the bone. The chilling truth manages to slip through my skin and chill the very agony and pain, infusing it with each beat my heart makes and each breathe that my lungs inhale. Every piercing thought that surrounds you is a vast sea of devastation in my eyes and heart making me blind to life and numb to emotion. I am but a zombie.
But then again, if I am, how is it that I can appreciate? How is it that I have chosen to live instead of succumbing to despair and frustration? So many questions brew inside me like a churning storm waiting to unleash its wrath against all whom have wronged me. Why all this pain and suffering? Are these petty little insinuations worth this much frustration and fretting over? How is it that I manage to sneer in the faces of these notions and yet face adversity when it comes to facing these notions with me in the spotlight? Again and again, the deeper I delved the questions I unearthed rather than answers.
It was at this realization point that reality hit with a sickening thud. There was no getting out from this pit of everlasting despair. They only way around it was to confront it and to move on with life accepting the harsh impact of that each confrontation so sorely left. My insatiable thirst for answers and my hunger for solutions drove me to the brink of obsession. But as I hit this danger point, I found one factor that linked them all. Me. Everything seemed to revolve around me, myself and I.
There was not another notion or thought that surrounded anything else but the subject of me. I realized that I had hit an all time low point. Without realizing, I had become self obsessed and shamedly selfish. Why should I have all the answers? Aren’t the greatest mysteries in life beautiful because they are mysteries? I found the courage at that point to let go and leave with a heavy heart but a clear conscience. Answers will come in time and solutions will be derived from all our thoughts befitting our situation. All that we need to contribute would be the selfless act of being patient and allowing this process its natural course of time instead of banging down its door at every given moment. This I believe is one of the greatest lessons life has to offer.

Memories come flowing back like the silky river,
As the pearly tear drops glisten silver,
A smile brings light,
A warm comfort in the cold starry night,
A dream that never was,
All hope that remained a sorrowful loss,
A reach I never grasped,
A palm that never clasped,
A story remains untold,
A tale that has a long way to unfold,
A sob that never came,
An unplayed game,
This is a tale of what should have happened but never did,
This is a story of what might have but fate hid,
Truth never surfaced,
A realization never embraced,
Living a dream,
Foolish as it may seem,
But may heart and soul it carries,
My sorrows and pain in its presence it buries,
I close my eyes for only this thought,
This single feeling that my heart so desperately sought,
You live an eternity in my heart,
And nothing can tear u from my soul,
Nothing can tear you apart,
From me,
As I believe you are my destiny…….

"Fleeting thoughts that brush past like the wind awaken senses of sorrow from deep within".
These words define the nature of what I used to feel as life. Pain, turmoil and devastation was how I viewed life to be. Null of all the simple pleasures that childhood seemed ladden with; adolescence seemed to me like a barren land of asphyxiating guilt. Every turn seemed to depict a face of horror as if to mock and ridicule my thoughts, it was like stepping into a world of complexity armed with only an arms knowledge. Feeling foolish and petty, those with superiority championed and trampled upon those that differred and felt inferior with ease. I watched as the world that I held close to my hearty flew by like a notion in the winds.
It took me awhile to embrace this sullen truth but as the reality slowly sank in, my eyes and heart opened to another realm of possibilities. One that I had shut a long time ago, forbidding myself of any indulgence and any inquisition in its nature. Never being a good judge of character in terms of emotion, I allowed my petty enticements to seduce my practicality. Detrimental, I must say. It hurt me beyond believe and altered my apprehension of things in a great magnitude. I have to admit that like the saying, every cloud has its silver lining, so did this. I made a miraculous recovery but I discovered something more precious in the process.
Myself. For the first time in my life, I realized how fragile I was. I had protected and shielded myself from the reality of these issues that when it came knocking on my door, I was dumbfounded at understanding or even comprehending the basis of it. And all that this is, is simple basic human emotion and intuition. I embalmed myself with a naivety that had entombed me in an existence of denial. And it was during this grieving period that I realized that if I was ever going to regain myself and my self worth in any way it was if I free myself of this naivety and denial and start looking at life and its many obstacles with as much wisdom and courage as possible.
I begin looking at things from different perspectives. I re-evaluated my life and realized all the things that I have misconstrued all these times. Taking bonds and ties for granted I held myself in such high contempt that I had neglected the true gems in my life. This part of my life served not only as a reflection and a search for answers but also as a revelation and a discovery at the deep connections that I had possessed but never utilized to my or anyone else’s benefit. I had nearly outcasted a jewel that had shone from the depths of my soul so brightly without even me noticing. It was the beauty of the wrongdoing. It was the retribution that had opened my eyes to the insanely justified manner in how the situation had turned to manifest itself. I was astonished at how much I had discovered about myself.
I uncovered a part of sensuality that was awakened not from a physical basis but from an emotional and spiritual foundation that paved the way to an intellectual formation. I was overwhelmed but nevertheless, grateful to the ends of my soul. That is why whenever anyone asks me what is the greatest gift that life has to offer, my answer most immediately is, the chance to live itself. The ability to endure the harrowing possiblities, turmoils and emotional frustrations at the same time look back and smile at all those past obstacles that now seem so distant and minute is the wonderful gift that life offers, a chance to live.

Another Valentines has come to pass but of all the changes that time brings in its undue course, one thing ironically never changes, the single status on this event. Now, although it isn’t all that great (as the whole world has come to universally acknowledge) I have to say that I don’t quite agree that it is all that "painful" to be single on this particular day. I mean apart from the natural heavy blow to the ego (especially if you’re one accustomed to living life on the fast lane, so to speak) this is one blow that really knocks the wind out of you. But one thing I have grown to understand about Valentines Day is the nature of the celebration itself. Its a honest and beautiful occasion that thrives on the survival of love all around.
As this is my blog, I see no reason to fib my way through the harshest particles of life. I was a little downcasted as the host of enquiries were showered in every direction indicating moreover that I was all alone. I mean, it was like wearing a singles tag pasted on my forehead. Pretty disturbing emotions and notions were running through my mind at one point as I even contemplated the possibility to subjecting myself to a blind date. Yes, its true!! But the second such a thought flashed across my mind I found my emotional (and logical to some extent) quotient, gripping me by the shoulders and shaking the common sense out of me! What was I even thinking?! To even have such a thought would indicate some sense of insecurity and for all the principles that I stood by would be shattered in the blink of an eye.
A tiny sob formulated within me and tried to edge its way out. Having no inkling how, I suppressed it and stared back up at the vacant ceiling pondering upon my forlorn fate. Its not that I have to be single, then why am I? Somehow I knew the answers were pretty much self explanatory but hearing them voiced out was in a way soothing. Sanity and comfort came back to enclothe my senses with a sense of compassion.
One word pretty much summed up all that I dearly needed to know that day. Family. I don’t just mean family that surround us everyday with their presence but the family that we hold close to heart (including our dearest friends). When we despair they stroke our pained hearts, when we fear they soothe us with tranquility, when we cry they brush away our tears and when we hurt they hurt just by watching us. Now these beautiful people that share so much of our pain deserve more than their worth to enjoy the joy and happiness that we do as well.
The minute this reasoning came knocking on my door, I realized how foolish I was to be even in the least upset by the notion of being alone. I never was, have or am alone as long as I have them with me and their simple memories and love is enough to carry me through a million Valentines, wedding gatherings, celebrated love or couples parties all my life for I don’t need a man to make me feel whole, I am whole, with the very beings that have made me who I am. I am strong with them, by them and for them for they are me. My very essence and soul. They are my family. Happy Valentines, my beautiful family, u guys, love ya loadz!!!

A carpet of grey skies,
Glum and moodiness meet my eyes,
The birds seem saddened,
The flowers droop as if burdened,
The garden is enveloped in sorrow,
But yet tomorrow,
I see the skies turning blue,
The leaves shining with misty dew,
Flowers bloom with colors of exuberance,
Listening to the birds singing in turns,
A tomorrow that I see,
In that day I see me,
Wishing that it would arrive sooner,
Every second I glance at the clock in the corner,
Ticking away for my tomorrow,
A day where my heart will glow,
For angels coming knocking,
And the boughs on the trees start rocking,
Gently to the sway of the wind,
As a story of beauty is to begin,
Tomorrow comes,
Sweet cherry blossom plums,
Tomorrow is here,
Angel is near….

Welcomed by a dark morning,
No birds chirruping or singing,
An emptiness that seems so close,
Painfully from discomfort I arose,
The creeping sun peeks,
The color that once faded from my cheeks,
Makes a slow return,
Lessons honestly now I learn,
As the mist clears,
As the light of morning slowly nears,
The emptiness fades,
Bringing colors in many shades,
Smiles show,
As words flow,
A rhythm that never ends,
A message of endurance it sends,
The morning comes,
So many memories it sums,
The morning comes,
Along with it pain numbs,
The morning comes…..

Our mind takes us back to old times,
I smile at all these thoughts sometimes,
With every inch of my lips that carve a smile,
Memories flush through in a pile,
The sweet smelling winds of yesteryear,
Those moments swirl by so near,
Its almost as if I can grasp its existence,
In it I have found life and penance,
The sugary taste of sharing,
When we all were together in moments we spent caring,
Dancing in the light of rain,
Ignorant to our blistering pain,
Like soldiers we marched on,
We were medals that brightly shone,
Inseparable is what we define,
With us there was never a yours nor mine,
Lessons learnt had never this much joy,
We would laugh, tease, play and toy,
The lesson of the class was not from a book,
But what we learnt from how much it took,
To hold onto what one another,
Never letting go of neither,
Laughter and chatter that followed,
As we walked hand in hand down the red brick road,
The tender feeling of belonging,
The conforting notion of knowing,
Wraps the heart with security like no other,
Without all this a fate I shudder,
Such a blessing, such a treasure,
Priceless beyond measure,
A bounty I will carry till my last breath,
A jewel that will accompany me to the doorsteps of death….
This is a little tribute to the Prefectorial Board of 04/05, PBSM 04/05, the Debate team 04/05, Eng Society 04/05, Pn. Khoo’s lit class, CYA 04/05 the Kem Kepimpinan forerunners 04, and all other activities that we foreran together hand in hand (too many to list guys….) I know this isn’t much, but as we all diverge into our separate ways, I just wanted to cast out a little reminder that we may lose touch and we may also never see each other again, God forbid. But always bear in mind that there is one thing that you will always have, and that is the memory of those beautiful and wonderful times we shared together. These are things that will never fade in time nor ever fade from our lives. So hold on to these cherished gems for the rest of your lives and you will never be lonely for every soul you had shared your past with, lives on in your heart, soul and memory.Thank you for the enjoyable moments we’ve shared! Take care guyz and I love ya loadz!

It sure has been a while since I last blogged. Well, it sure has been an excruciatingly exhausting month and I definately can’t wait for a break (even for a day) to come along. Life sure has taken a melodramatic toll and the days are filled with mundane, routined schedules making my nerves fry till they sizzle. I have been thinking a lot of all the changes that have been occuring and well, this little self-analysis (thank you personality psychology class) has provided me with a rather disturbing discovery. I HAVE changed. Its not that I am being negative about the changes that have occured or anything, but well, having always sworn that I will never again allow anyone or anything to change my judgment or personality for that matter, I am one individual who seems to have taken the 180 in life. I mean, I have friends who ask me, who are you?
Being the wacky, nonchalant, happy-go-lucky individual, life has never been anything but icing on the cake. Or so people think. My life is quite the contrary, though I will have to admit, that I have been rather carefree and not really responsible before, I have one thing in my defence, how do you become mature if you’re never at all immature? I had to go from point A to point B. Besides, being the oldest in the family, I rarely got any childhood that tickled my memory, always having to set a good example, always having to be the perfect child, always having to live up to expectations and others’ dreams. I suppose I spent the first 12 years of my life pleasing all those around me apart from myself. Then came in the adolescent rebellion that really shook the foundations of my household, so to speak.
I suppose always being shunted to one side because I rarely needed much caring for, being the quiet and reserved kind, I suppose my rebellion was more a cry for attention than anything else. But after a hell of a teenage and a year of college life (which was a hell of an eye opener by the way) I settled down to a more subtle and responsible as well as mature lifestyle at the moment. I won’t say that it is at all relaxed as it is quite the contrary, but I would say, this lifestyle I lead now, as mundane and banal as it may seem to the common folk that stroll my college grounds, it remains a life that enables me to sleep with a guilt-free conscience every night. This is something I truly pride upon as not many individuals can claim to possess such a distinct blessing. Having experienced life on both sides I suppose I see the bigger and better picture now.
I have absolutely no regrets about my past and I wouldn’t change even the slightest detail (now u know this is a petty lie at this point, but heck who doesn’t tell white lies for self-comfort?) in it. I cherish every moment that went by and I appraise every bit of it. For I wouldn’t be who I am and I wouldn’t be what I am today if it weren’t for this distinct history of mine. But now moving to the unchartered waters of my depressing existence (excuse the drama, its been a LONG week) I have finally found myself sunken into a stupor of a droid-like existence. Living on a tight schedule (yes, tight, I’m down to the minute precise) as my travelling hours are pretty hefty, plus assignments and tasks are bound to my shoulders like boulders, life does take its toll on the zestful part of our passion. It may seem that I have lost the essence that truly made me, me. But of course I haven’t.
I spend countless times repeating myself to concerned friends and old acquaintances that I have not changed at all. I still possess the same mischief, annoying and also fun nature that once so prominently shone from my mere presence. I still have all those innate qualities within me, only I have chosen to embed them a teensy bit further into my heart to allow a new kind of trait to surface for a while. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not schizophrenic or anything, but I’m just trying out different aspects of my life and trying to accomadate all that comes forth with the best possible approach and characteristical criteria that I possess.
I have learnt numerous lessons within the 19 years of my life. I’m not talking of critical skills or anything. Just basic emotional skills. Understanding, empathizing, sympathizing, distinguishing, embracing and realizing. Well, to be honest the list can go on and on and on, but lets not drone on that for too long. The point here is that what ever that life has thrown my way has not changed me but helped mould me.It has refined my character and helped me recognize those embedded factors of myself that I never knew existed. Most importantly, it helped me discover a part of me that simply amazes me, for I never knew I had neither the audacity nor the courage to seek. I am strong. Yes, after all that I have been through (which is not really my fault to shoulder here, and no I’m not living in denial) I have managed to get up and clamber up the mountain of success once again. I’m not at the peak yet but I sure am reaching. It has not been an easy journey, tears, cries, loss and well, heart-wrenching moments, all come and gone but one thing remains with me from start till end, my memories. They never fade, die or leave. They remind us of what we are now and they allow us to keep ourselves at out toes. They show us what we’ve lost and they inspire us to fight to reclaim our deserving tributes and for this I would have to say, memories are truly our greatest gift…..

Fate can indeed be cruel. Just when you think that you have secured some sense of integrity, clinging on to the last, remaining strands of hope, you find that they snap right within sight. The one thing that you had been so desperately holding on to, the oxygen that filled your lungs every morning to keep you going, the one thing that you knew you could never have yet the possibility of it always being there just ripped out from the depths of your heart in the blink of an eye. Its not only heart-wrenching but also truly devastating. For the essence that you had been so endearingly been holding onto becames void and now hope is replaced with nothingness. Despair hits hard at our hearts bringing conscience down with a tumbling fall, as everything seems destitute.
Why do such things happen? Why do things that seem so trivial bring so much agony? Denial that once helped now seems to provide no much than an inkling of comfort. All new beginnings and cherished memories that I held close to my heart comes crumbling down along with my heartfelt moments and notions. It hurts. It truly does. How do I face this dilemma? How do I awaken from it? Everything seems more likely to end that to ever grace my life with a beginning of something beautiful. This is the face of sorrow. Tears of angst and emotions of burdenful turmoil.
This was how I perceived a rather disturbing discovery recently. Condemning all that I had fought so hard for, I finally realized that what little hope that I had embedded within my heart that grew into a mountain of courage that has supplemented me with the courage to face these adversities at this phase of life has now left me. Deserted and null of all anticipation, joy and hope, I found life in the very least empty. I felt like there was no point waking up today as I knew that the tomorrow that I dreamt of would never come. Painful and yet, fruitless. I stared at my own reflection in the mirror that morning with desperation. Who had said that resilience pays off? Which fool had notioned that determination has its rewards? Words of wisdom derived from situations that differed from mine surely.
Then it hit me. The truth struck me like a bolt of lightning, sending a realization that burnt all conspicuos thought within me like a brushfire. So what if you are gone? So what if life has taken away the one thing that I truly desired? Look at how much I have accomplished bearing just the very thought of you as an inspiration. Just imagine the lengths to which I have relentlessly resorted to with just your memories as my driving force. Spectacularity and amazement hit me like a ton of bricks. I may have lost my destination but I still have the journey to go on with. A destination can be a place that resides deep within our heart and soul, but the journey can be travelled with that imagination burning its pace at every step of the way.
I finally realized what life had meant. The saying that God always opens a door when he has closes another may have worked for some, but to me it has no significance in truth. God closed a door in an attempt of shutting us from the otherside and as blissful as it may have been, the fact that we go on, trying to unlock that door, consistently and persistently, believing and holding on to the sole belief that one day it will unlock itself, is what life tells us. Look deep within you for the inspiration, although your destination has faded from within your sight, look back to your journey and use that to fuel your spirits into searching for your destination. That is what life is, and that is what we all have. Hope and a journey.

Words that pour from the depths of truth,
Presence that both comfort and soothe,
A life that fills up with possibilities,
One that defies all logic and realities,
I live in a world of dreams,
Wondering what a life of eternal bliss seems,
Visions of laughter and smiles,
And with the joy and miracles that piles,
In the every blooming chapter of our lives,
The meaning of happiness is what it derives,
The tender feeling of touch,
A dream of this kind and many more such,
Beautiful, simple, sweet memories,
A blanket of love sweeps by like the sweet smelling breeze,
A look of love deep within your eyes,
Sends all me tears, fears and cries,
Deep into the abyss of no return,
My angst and worries to ashes burn,
With a single word of kindness that escapes your lips,
My skin feeling reality’s call back with tiny nips,
But even then my skin is oblivious to the pain,
As every trickle of blood that passes through every vein,
Whispers your name,
And every heart beat of mine says the same,
You may never glance my way,
A word to me you may never say,
But I will remain here forever,
For I am a tie that cannot sever,
Bound by eternal devotion,
I am tied by emotion, passion and compassion,
One that is untainted and pure,
Any lengths of pain it can thus endure,
So never will I fade,
And goodbye is something I will never bade….

Optimistic. Vivacious. Vibrant. Words that relate so accurately to my personality. At one point of time. Carefree and full of enthusiasm with never an inkling to what the word dilemma or even predicament ever meant. A childlike naivety and bliss was what I was blessed with. A gift bestowed upon me for reasons I could not and still cannot comprehend. A gift that faded, slowly but surely in the passing of time. A year of awakening and a soul that has gone through phase after phase, waking to a rebirth from a life filled to the brim with a myriad of emotional turmoil and conundrums. The reincarnation of this entity has brought forth an understanding and an amaranthine of appreciation to the beautiful souls that God has so graciously bequethed upon me.
A new year brings with it new possibilities and hopes. Replenishing the heart with fresh joy and happiness, I found new meaning in the word life. I squint at the life ahead as much anticipation and prescience. Being the bubbly and spirited girl that I am, I was never one that worried about intellectuality or emotional intelligence, and most ironically, the choice of my occupational field is psychology much to the chagrin of my parents. But now, as revolution as much as evolution has stirred a whirlwind of cognizance that tugged at my heart strings and nudged my conscience. I began to reflect and ponder upon issues that never once captivated my interest in the slightest. Teens that were rebellious, the puppy love age, the teen anxiety and of course peer pressure, what triggered all these devastating circumstances?
I began questioning the way the world works and more importantly I began cogenting why it works in such an aggrieving manner? After enduring my own life altering, or rather, path altering situations, I began searching for an insight into why we differ with such magnanimous results and all the consequences that follow. Our actions being the aftermath of self-reasoning and contemplation, I began wondering why do people placed in the same crisis respond to the issue at hand differently. Moreover, I wondered deeper beyond the realms of life and was completely taking a turn into a the morbid dimension of the after life. My fascination branched out and curiosity began digging deeper into every inch of my soul burying its inquisitive nature deep within every instinct, notion and perception.
I became a changed person. My realization and awakening brought forth not only a sense of intrigue and due admiration, but it painted a picture of beauty to me in the sense of gratitude. As I looked around me for the first time in my life, I saw all that I had. Blessings, love, cherished moments and memories, guidance and support and a never ending relationship filled with care and continual adoration. Something that no other relationship, individual or any other circumstance could bring.
To have such perception and to have such a gem land in your lap, brought streams of tears to my eyes. I began reminiscing about all those times that I have felt alone and abandoned and all those moments that I have felt blatantly deserted and took out my angst upon those who have always been there. Blaming them for an abrocation that never was. The dawning of my comprehension gave my sight into how blind I really was. Seeking aid for those who misguided me when I was blind to the compassion and auspices that was so readily present. Turning to others for attention and comfort when I was already blessed with such a benediction. The moments that I have spent shedding tears over my idiocy still visualizes within sight as I do believe that this is one impact that defied all others. This memory is embedded within every nerve, blood and tear of my entire existence. It is immortalized within my soul.
Soul-searching like so many other individuals seek is not something that can be found or attained. This is something that has to be unearthed. It isn’t as easy as one may assume as we will encounter our worst enemies in the never-ending journey of self-discovery. Ourselves. We have to embrace ourselves to face our demons from within and of course the worst part, accept them as they are us in nature and in truth. The ugliness of oneself is the harshest possible truth that we can encounter and the detriments of a confrontation of this magnitude can bring about dire consequences. Nevertheless, we will also have to encompass parts of ourselves that escaped our notice and learn to comprehend them all the same. To find ones soul is not dependent upon the effort taken to search for it, for this is something that cannot be found. It has to be unearthed. Our true nature and abilities underline our intellectual, spiritual, mental, physical and all other dimensions of ourselves. And it resides nowhere else but within us. It all depends whether we have instilled enough courage to exhume it from the depths of our heart, mind and soul. Fight, find and feel it for no one can understand us till we can.

It is that time of the year and everyone is making their own little trip down the memory lane. Bitter sweet memories wash over us like a tidal wave, overwhelming us with emotion and sentiments that remains priceless. As the year draws to an end, we find ourselves reminiscing about the past and wondering about the future. Moments that we wish we could rewind or undo seconds that we wish had never occurred and those tiny bits of memoirs that we wish that we could hold onto for the rest of our lives. All these make up the year that we had so restlessly anticipated exactly 365 days ago. Time flies when you’re having fun and as the saying goes but life is never a box of chocolates nor is it a stroll in the park. It’s almost always filled with fragments of pain infused within it and of course there is no denying the happiness and joys that lace our existence.
I have had a beautiful year. Regardless of the pain and misery that had come to embellish it, I have truly learnt a lot from this year in particular. I have grown and I have acquired not intelligence but rather I have been bestowed with wisdom. As they say, there are things that only life can teach which cannot be derived from a mere text book, and I have had the incredible opportunity of realizing this saying hands on. There are so many things that I have learnt that I do not know and may never know but there is one thing that I lucubrated, that is no matter what, perseverance comes easy when you bear in mind the loved ones that we live for. Many a times, I have coiled at the distaste for life itself, and truthfully I shudder to think of the consequence had I not dutifully pondered about my filial responsibilities. There were times that I truly wished I could simply resign this fate and take the easy way out of escaping this emotional whirlwind that was tearing me apart from the inside
My life fraught with complications placed me in a constant state of imbroglio. Mind at wreaking havoc, heart constantly enduring upheavals and despairs added on with a conscience and soul that was as unsettled as an ocean caught in a storm. I underwent many emotional challenging moments that virtually rendered me helpless and for the first time, it dawned on me that the protected and sheltered life that I had been blessed with had become the very reason for my social misjudgments and errs. Unable to interpret situations and actions, I took the most naive approach at life and the world only to receive the cruelest shocks that shook the very foundations of my beliefs.
Needless to say, I was left in a complete muddle over things and being the introvert that I am when it came to matters of the mind and heart, I was more than resolute to dictate my own moves and restrict my burdens to myself. Not the wisest of moves, you may think, but I am brought up in a family where the word conservative is defined quite differently. On the outlook, we may be as modern as any other forward thinking family, but truly, we are as traditional and rooted to our moral upbringing and culture as any other family. Not that this is a bad thing, for I am proud and glad that my family has blessed me with such knowledge about my background and culture for these are aspects that really do color and individual and give them a certain distinctive virtue.
But there was one drawback that came with this virtuous trait, the lack of liberality. My parents were sticklers for the “R & R”. In my case it isn’t a joyous case Rest and Relaxation but rather quite the contrary of Rules and Regulations. I don’t blame them as they now live in a world that the most despicable acts are committed right next door! (Figure of speech mind you, my neighbors are neither criminals nor perverts) But then again, how is a girl supposed to find her way around life if she’s molly coddled at every turn? I think my predicament is now slightly clearer to those who thought my life was a bed of roses. Though I do have my complaints and my frets, (like all other teenagers do), I learnt through experience that they want the best for us and all that they bear in mind is our safety and happiness. Sometimes, they may go about it the wrong way, as the environment that they were brought up in was a lot more conservative than ours, making them rather rigid about their life, but all this aside, their intentions are as noble as ever. And for this sole reason, I love them beyond the depths of my soul.
Apart from the invaluable precedents that have equipped me so efficiently with such blossoming love and gratitude towards my parents I had my fair share of pain to deal with. Yes, that’s right. Adolescence strikes again and this time I was really shattered by the state of affairs that were pelting on me like a hailstorm. I found myself in a world that was parallel to mine yet completely alien to all that I knew and thought I knew. No knowledge of physics or general knowledge was applicable in the presence of teen angst. I mean, ask Albert Einstein to interpret a teenager’s thoughts and I think even he’d go bonkers by the end of the day. After numerous shady, jilting, heart-wrenching and emotionally shaking events, I finally threw my hands up and waved the white flag. Feeling pretty much shattered in all aspects I turned to look back at year when my emotional life to a leaping soar and a dive down the cliffs all at the same time. Disastrous? Pretty much. Yet, I did learn something remarkable though (I always do), never be too hasty when it comes to matters of the heart. Take as long as you like and never succumb to peer pressure. Just because your friends have boyfriends doesn’t mean that you’re ready even though you think you are.
I have to say, I am pretty astonished as how I reflect upon how much I have grown as an individual. Not only as a girl embracing the world, but as a human being on terms of intellect and as well as wisdom. I attained 20 years worth of wisdom in a year. It took a lot of pain and many more gripping moments in my life, but well, life goes on. And though running away is never an option, I started afresh. With new prospects and resolutions, I look forward to a new year with much anticipation and enthusiasm as I kiss goodbye a beautiful year of sorrow and bliss. I shed a tear for the time that has passed and as the year brushes past me, I feel blanketed by the security that the tears and pain that I had endured, was a gem in the making. A priceless treasure.