I wonder if there was anyone else who has felt the things I’ve felt in my life. All the amazement that I have seen. All the pain and turmoil that I have encountered. Often I look at others and see that they seem as calm and blissful as ever. I perceived life in their eyes was a stroll in the garden, but then again, I asked myself, how often would someone else glance at me and arrive at that same notion? Often enough. The thing that I find is so spectacular about human emotions is that no matter how hurtful, painful or agonizing it is, with sufficient will power and determination, even that is successfully repressed. Now, I wonder, though privacy in regards to emotions are typically essential to every human being, how necessary is it really? And is it really healthy to suppress something so significant to our entire subjective and collective self?
I have had moments of agony where, internally I was torn and twisted into irreplicable knots. Worst still, I had found myself desolute of hope and wondering around like a barren land void of hope. But yet, inexplicaly, I had found it in myself, to completely repress these harrowing emotions and smile and laugh as if nothing had ever occured to daunt me in the least. I can recall that day as if it had just passed moments ago. I had laughed jovially, joked, went about my routine as normally as ever and not an ounce of difference was detectable. I had to admit the facade was simply ingenious (even if I do say so myself) but the formidable issue of this entire self-discovering affair was that I was completely oblivios to my angst at the time of my little charade. I had completely forgotten about somethig so plaguing within a matter of sinking into the character I had moulded myself into! No doubt that the event was magnanimous to me, but how is it that something so eventful was capable of being overshadowed by something so trivial?
This brought me to question the mannerism in which we successfully manage to not only repress but push and bury such heart ripping pain. To completely push these significant matters into the unconscious or sub-conscious part of our mind in order to project or potray and image of normality or even perfection. Imagine how people live their lives. I am sure that I am not alone in this world when I claim to using this mannerism in dealing with matters that truly wrench me. Unable to cope or face certain predicaments, I either shun it out of myself or I supress and contain all emotion and thought relating to it.
So just imagine how many individuals walk around as casual and normal as every other person but at night they shudder and cry their eyes and hearts out. I have seen individuals who wear their hearts on their sleeves. What do I mean? Simple. These are the people who shed a tear for the slightest issue, they seem frenzied and neurotic. Always troubled and basically their emotions are a wave pattern. Both bad and good occasions are clearly emotionally depicted in their very facial expressions and they are neither afraid nor reserved in showing these emotions, in fact, they find great pride in flaunting it. So now we start asking, are these people for real? It seems a little dubious but yes, these people thrive on the attention their unseemingly shameless display or parade of emotions garners. Its not really as pathetic as it seems, in fact, to most people these are the people that you could say are emotionally honest to both themselves than most people are.
I have to admit for a while I was amongst those who would be classified as an emotional liar or in politer terms, emotionally restrained [this is to salvage the remains of the massacre my brutal honesty has imposed upon my self esteem so pardon the pun ] I won’t say that I am more open with my emotions than I was before as that would be a lie, but instead I chose to mediate my frustrations to other means then suppression. Whenever I felt oppressed or the sudden surge of anger that once in a while rears its ugly head from god knows where, I retreat to my silent corner for some silent moments to sort my head out. Bear in mind that any annoyance or interruption in any forms during my realization period would most certainly end in disastrous outcomes and ermm, severe penalties. I don’t wear my emotions out front as I am a character that prefers the subtility of my emotions to be safeguarded. I live on privacy and I thrive on it. I go by the principal, "Share your joy all around, but share your pain only with your conscience" so getting me to splurge out a wave of tears about how pathetic my life has coursed out to be is highly something that the forces of nature will reckon with
But I have to say that despite all my flaws and my secret hidden wonderings.. (trust me, I have nothing more than thoughts that plague not my curiosity but reasoning) and more importantly my limited display of negative emotions, I am a person that is truly satisfied with who I am and what I have turned out to be. I have learnt to accept and forgive, move on and live hard. I hang on to the instinctual moments of importance and let go of all hindrance and today I stand as an individual with both flaws and qualities that I am honestly ashamed and proud of ( honestly now, people who tell me that they’re proud of their flaws definately need to get their heads checked, hello! people! their called FLAWS for a reason!) but most of all at the end of the day when I face judgment I can claim satisfaction in who I am, but most importantly I can do so honestly.
I have had moments of agony where, internally I was torn and twisted into irreplicable knots. Worst still, I had found myself desolute of hope and wondering around like a barren land void of hope. But yet, inexplicaly, I had found it in myself, to completely repress these harrowing emotions and smile and laugh as if nothing had ever occured to daunt me in the least. I can recall that day as if it had just passed moments ago. I had laughed jovially, joked, went about my routine as normally as ever and not an ounce of difference was detectable. I had to admit the facade was simply ingenious (even if I do say so myself) but the formidable issue of this entire self-discovering affair was that I was completely oblivios to my angst at the time of my little charade. I had completely forgotten about somethig so plaguing within a matter of sinking into the character I had moulded myself into! No doubt that the event was magnanimous to me, but how is it that something so eventful was capable of being overshadowed by something so trivial?
This brought me to question the mannerism in which we successfully manage to not only repress but push and bury such heart ripping pain. To completely push these significant matters into the unconscious or sub-conscious part of our mind in order to project or potray and image of normality or even perfection. Imagine how people live their lives. I am sure that I am not alone in this world when I claim to using this mannerism in dealing with matters that truly wrench me. Unable to cope or face certain predicaments, I either shun it out of myself or I supress and contain all emotion and thought relating to it.
So just imagine how many individuals walk around as casual and normal as every other person but at night they shudder and cry their eyes and hearts out. I have seen individuals who wear their hearts on their sleeves. What do I mean? Simple. These are the people who shed a tear for the slightest issue, they seem frenzied and neurotic. Always troubled and basically their emotions are a wave pattern. Both bad and good occasions are clearly emotionally depicted in their very facial expressions and they are neither afraid nor reserved in showing these emotions, in fact, they find great pride in flaunting it. So now we start asking, are these people for real? It seems a little dubious but yes, these people thrive on the attention their unseemingly shameless display or parade of emotions garners. Its not really as pathetic as it seems, in fact, to most people these are the people that you could say are emotionally honest to both themselves than most people are.
I have to admit for a while I was amongst those who would be classified as an emotional liar or in politer terms, emotionally restrained [this is to salvage the remains of the massacre my brutal honesty has imposed upon my self esteem so pardon the pun ] I won’t say that I am more open with my emotions than I was before as that would be a lie, but instead I chose to mediate my frustrations to other means then suppression. Whenever I felt oppressed or the sudden surge of anger that once in a while rears its ugly head from god knows where, I retreat to my silent corner for some silent moments to sort my head out. Bear in mind that any annoyance or interruption in any forms during my realization period would most certainly end in disastrous outcomes and ermm, severe penalties. I don’t wear my emotions out front as I am a character that prefers the subtility of my emotions to be safeguarded. I live on privacy and I thrive on it. I go by the principal, "Share your joy all around, but share your pain only with your conscience" so getting me to splurge out a wave of tears about how pathetic my life has coursed out to be is highly something that the forces of nature will reckon with
But I have to say that despite all my flaws and my secret hidden wonderings.. (trust me, I have nothing more than thoughts that plague not my curiosity but reasoning) and more importantly my limited display of negative emotions, I am a person that is truly satisfied with who I am and what I have turned out to be. I have learnt to accept and forgive, move on and live hard. I hang on to the instinctual moments of importance and let go of all hindrance and today I stand as an individual with both flaws and qualities that I am honestly ashamed and proud of ( honestly now, people who tell me that they’re proud of their flaws definately need to get their heads checked, hello! people! their called FLAWS for a reason!) but most of all at the end of the day when I face judgment I can claim satisfaction in who I am, but most importantly I can do so honestly.
