The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I was once told these wise words at a tender age of 11. I can still remember that day. My uncle and I had been watching a television program and it depicted a life of a youngster who had to face a great deal of hardship at such a young age. And like all adults he said something befitting that moment. At first, I took it lightly. Not knowing or addressing the depth that those words carried I brushed them aside as if they were everyday words. But as the years flash by, these small and harmless memories that carry so much importance in our life tend to haunt not our conscience but rather our intelligence at some point.
I was sitting pondering upon those words when a thought penetrated my mind. Is the grass ever green enough for either side? I suppose not. Most people have the tendency of just brushing past or flinging aside these tiny details of life that later become the missing links to the larger pieces of life’s everlasting puzzle. Memories and our past hold a great significance in our lives. It moulds us and shapes us. It makes us who we are and it defines our take on and in life itself. Yet, we see that in many cases we are advised against dwelling in the sorrows of our past. Why? Aren’t sorrows the emotion that emphasizes joy? Isn’t pain what highlights pleasure?
At times I wonder, why is it so hard to let go? Why is it that I find it almost impossible to move on? Sometimes, questions run fluidly through my mind. If it hurts so much, why can’t I let go? If I choose to go on and move on why is it that my mind reverts back to the past? These thoughts basically bombard my senses and paralyze my emotions with the same freezing pain that my heart so dutifully embraces day in and day out. I have yet to unravel the mysteries that these questions so preciously guard, but I have not given up yet.One day I believe that the truth will reveal itself and revelation will be my enlightenment.
But while that time has yet to come, the ultimate matter of dispute is, what shall I do? Leave my past in ashes of what charred remains I still hold of those past years, or should I cling to it and grasp it in the palms of my hand as a certificate of all that I have been through? Deeply perturbing, these thoughts are and yet they are fundamental to our emotional maturity. I remember those simple moments in life where I uttered words such as, " My greatest dream is to be able to lie on my deathbed and say proudly that I have no regrets". Naivety. Or was it plain ignorence? Well, whether it was innocence or plain nescience, one thing remains irrefutable. It was bliss. It definately was. The ability to have such dreams and truly believe in it may seem a tad childish but that sort of innocence is rare and for a split second of my life I possessed the power to annex such a dream.
Then life took its toll. With the maturity of age and the dawn of comprehension, innocence took a backseat in life and survival instincts became a vital source of motivation. Every turn with sheer innocence or the lack of emotional strength and equity was surely greeted by nasty peroration. I stepped into the world as a sheltered soul. Removed from actual ambience and soundly protected from the cynical world, I was the epitome of ignorance.
Incredibly oblivious to so many things, I became embroiled in muddles and messes that left me charred, vititated and emotionally crippled. I never expected life to be so vicious and heartless. Torn and ravaged by all that have happened, I hung on a thread. Clinging to what little pleasures and cherished moments that I had with me, I battled with fate. I can’t affirm that I have attained victory or that I am succesful but what I can say with firm conviction is that I am still surviving. It isn’t a survival that paints a potrait of perfection but I am still breathing through. I hold on to what remainders of both my past and present with a certain amount of pride as well as pain. As the saying goes, "No pain no gain". But what I am mostly proud of is that I have stopped struggling with my past and have grown accustomed to accepting it, for life is nothing more than a walk with your past, present and future intact.
I was sitting pondering upon those words when a thought penetrated my mind. Is the grass ever green enough for either side? I suppose not. Most people have the tendency of just brushing past or flinging aside these tiny details of life that later become the missing links to the larger pieces of life’s everlasting puzzle. Memories and our past hold a great significance in our lives. It moulds us and shapes us. It makes us who we are and it defines our take on and in life itself. Yet, we see that in many cases we are advised against dwelling in the sorrows of our past. Why? Aren’t sorrows the emotion that emphasizes joy? Isn’t pain what highlights pleasure?
At times I wonder, why is it so hard to let go? Why is it that I find it almost impossible to move on? Sometimes, questions run fluidly through my mind. If it hurts so much, why can’t I let go? If I choose to go on and move on why is it that my mind reverts back to the past? These thoughts basically bombard my senses and paralyze my emotions with the same freezing pain that my heart so dutifully embraces day in and day out. I have yet to unravel the mysteries that these questions so preciously guard, but I have not given up yet.One day I believe that the truth will reveal itself and revelation will be my enlightenment.
But while that time has yet to come, the ultimate matter of dispute is, what shall I do? Leave my past in ashes of what charred remains I still hold of those past years, or should I cling to it and grasp it in the palms of my hand as a certificate of all that I have been through? Deeply perturbing, these thoughts are and yet they are fundamental to our emotional maturity. I remember those simple moments in life where I uttered words such as, " My greatest dream is to be able to lie on my deathbed and say proudly that I have no regrets". Naivety. Or was it plain ignorence? Well, whether it was innocence or plain nescience, one thing remains irrefutable. It was bliss. It definately was. The ability to have such dreams and truly believe in it may seem a tad childish but that sort of innocence is rare and for a split second of my life I possessed the power to annex such a dream.
Then life took its toll. With the maturity of age and the dawn of comprehension, innocence took a backseat in life and survival instincts became a vital source of motivation. Every turn with sheer innocence or the lack of emotional strength and equity was surely greeted by nasty peroration. I stepped into the world as a sheltered soul. Removed from actual ambience and soundly protected from the cynical world, I was the epitome of ignorance.
Incredibly oblivious to so many things, I became embroiled in muddles and messes that left me charred, vititated and emotionally crippled. I never expected life to be so vicious and heartless. Torn and ravaged by all that have happened, I hung on a thread. Clinging to what little pleasures and cherished moments that I had with me, I battled with fate. I can’t affirm that I have attained victory or that I am succesful but what I can say with firm conviction is that I am still surviving. It isn’t a survival that paints a potrait of perfection but I am still breathing through. I hold on to what remainders of both my past and present with a certain amount of pride as well as pain. As the saying goes, "No pain no gain". But what I am mostly proud of is that I have stopped struggling with my past and have grown accustomed to accepting it, for life is nothing more than a walk with your past, present and future intact.
