Me, Myself and Insanity

Dreams that are the inspiration and the source of afflatus in our lives. We live to attain these dreams and we live in the hopes that we may some day revel in our very dreams. Such a drive this spurs within our souls and such a hope that it stirs within our hearts. What is an entity without dreams? Void of spirit, ambition and pure incitement. This is the precise definition that we bequeth to a zombie or rather a possessed corpse and yet we even do injustice to zombies by degrading them with such a definition as even zombies have a purpose to their very existence, to feed on human flesh.
So now, moving on to a subject that truly matters. The food of the soul the fuel to our journey, dreams designate our chosen paths in life and our choices formalize which manner we are to tackle the obstacles faced in these individual pathways of our choice. But what if we are faced with the merciless consequence of realizing that we may never achieve our dream? If all the yearningful hopes that we may have built within the corner of our tiny hearts may never be ours? Devastatingly crushing isn’t it? It tears and shreds your heart into tiny bits and pieces as it crumbles all whims and fancies. The angst that only the heart recognizes is a sorrowful aftermath of many crushed expectations.
Whether it may have been an ambition that had been lifelong or was it a simple fancy that our heart took delight in, the disappointment at the lose of such an expected gratification does much harm to the soul and heart. Having longing something and praying and dreaming everyday of your life of holding it so close to your heart is a pleasure that only true expectancy and provide. I remember the simple days when every spare moment of my mind was occupied by the delectation of day dreaming about how I happy I would be having my little dream come true.
Whether it may be as trivial as receiving the long awaited Barbie for Christmas or finally finding the Mr. Right in our lives (on behalf of the ladies out there), the tiny flutter our heart gives as the mind takes us on a magical journey of the connection between heartfelt desires and concoction of imaginative tributes (I’m talking about daydreams here in a rather flowery manner) is a jolt of joy on its own. Reminiscing about the good old days, where simple pleasures were what my heart truly craved for, I would sit on the sofa, my mind drifting and swirling through its own world of magical fantasies where anything was possible.
Those truly were moments of sheer bliss and serenity. But what happens to all these little moments when our dreams shatter before our very eyes? So what will we do when the shards of the fragments of our lives prick and prod us? They rip at our woven euphoria, chip at our pillars of confidence, and tear at our nimble faith. Tears that pour like streams flowing through a valley is the chip of the cornerstone of the constant flood of depression that will soon unveil a whole life of angst and agony. Broken dreams are detrimental to the heart, soul and mind of a person and if faith is unrestored it is fatal to every inch of the person’s true self. Lost of all grip in life they will cease to live at all opting to exist rather than persist.
I have had dreams shattered with the shards puncturing my heart of all places. I felt nulled and as empty as a barrel. Hurt from all corners I was destitute and desolated. Tears were my accompaniment on a daily basis, cries would then follow suit and heart wrenching words that would slip from my lips and heart into pages and pages of lamenting then ensured. Traumatizing moments those were. Thankfully I had a way of channeling all my angst and pain out of me rather than bottling them inside. It would have erupted for sure otherwise as pent up emotions do not stay buried for long or they would have devoured my soul from the inside out. But I close my eyes every night knowing that my emotion lay before my me, my tears soaking a piece of paper filled with my scribbles. I find it easier to go back to my child like dreams that require nothing but a laugh to carry me on from day to day….

Many people claim to know themselves well enough. Most teens in fact, pride themselves about how well they know and understand themselves but when I look at these sturdy and even at times cocky youthful entities I smile to myself. I have seen many people (adults included) who still find it hard to decipher and discover their true self. Change in character, emotion and intellectual judgment becomes a rapidly and constantly diversifying process and many a times these changes evokes a feeling of discomfort within them. Ever had moments where you felt completely alienated in your wn skin? Ever endured points in your life where you found yourself contradicting yourself at every turn?
Well, I have. It wasn’t as easy as I once imagined it to be as there were so many factors and aspects of my life and character that I had never discovered till those few hours of self exploration. But what was most amazing was that not only did I discover that there were so many sides to me that were undeveloped but that I had neglected so many aspects of my life that fuelled me emotionally and capable of supporting me intellectually. The process that involved the awakening of my morale senses and enlightenement wasn’t a breeze (which of course made the impact of its enlightenement all the more drastic and effective I might add) as it involved tremendous pain, sacrifice and a whole lot of reconciliation with what I used to call the bitter truth. I won’t lie, it wasn’t a transformation that was endearing or instant for the matter but it took many harsh words, angry tears and vitriolic words were spat out like from the tip of my tongue. I was very frequently washed over by waves of hatred, humiliation, self degradation and so many self inflicting worries that I practically held myself in comparison to one that was mentally disabled.
I am not going to justify my actions but I do have to point out that these acts were not committed when I was sane at mind as well as heart so bear no grievances those that I have wronged for I wasn’t myself. You have my sincerest apologies and heartfelt convey of remorse. But, now that I have snapped out of my resentful stupor (seeing that I had managed to expunge all these splenetic angst that seemed to have embedded itself deep within me) I am able to undertake life with a whole new objectivity.
With my newfound principles cemented by the support by of my family and true friends, I have found a more solid and tranquil lifestyle. I have neve been a person that enjoyed silence and peace as I loved the constant roller coaster in life with the contant injuctures of excitement and thrills. But, its almost ironic to think that for a teen I may be looking at life from the perspective of a 40 year old. I outgrew the fun and zesty part of life opting for a more subtle and quiet life as the excitment had driven my senses haywire and I was incapable of thinking rationally.
But now, my feet solidly rooted to the ground, I am firm and resolute with my new life as I have finally found a comfort and security that I had been so desperately searching for. Perpetually yearning for a sense of belonging, I finally found my place in life. It was there all the while and I had been so blinded by my passion for life that I had completely lived a life in oblivion to the obvious facts. My life had been waiting in front of my eyes, and all I had to do was to look at what I already had instead of always searching and wanting more. Its called turning away from temptation. And finally, life has began smiling through the dark clouds…

It has been a long while since I last wrote here but well, self expression does begin to take a toll on human intellect and emotional strength especially when it involves both the trying or rather to be quite frank, the harshest transpirations of our very lives and the sane reasoning and understanding of why these things happen to us without allowing remorse or other emotions influence our judgment. Some people underestimate this indulgence, as to them writing these posts are as simple as dictating certain views that we pertain to our lives. But let me share a little secret with you, divulging your essentials and baring your heart’s content and principles in life isn’t as simple as it is. Speaking on behalf of all bloggers with the same notion as I do,letting our fingers do the talking instead of our lips, letting the tips of our fingers find the truth in what lies beneath our hearts, no one sees the tears that manage to slip by between the lines or hear the sobs that manage to creep up our throats virtually choking us.
The grey truth shows that pain is unavoidable. Many a times I have sat in front of this mechanical feature and stared blankly at it without a single thought in mind to allow my fingers to dictate. These are the times that my mind had truly failed me and intelligence was something that was quite absent in presence, but never can i recall a moment when my heart failed me. For instance, during the moments where I had been so mercilessly been neglected by my intellectual quotient I sought refuge in my emotional expressions. I allowed my heart the ability to speak and voice out all its pain and joy, truths and faults and how I connect through an emotional basis. It was at these fervent moments that I made a startling discovery, honesty and truth flourished through these moments.
Not to sound like some deranged, unstable person but this was a discovery that was truly very astounding to me. I had always felt that the truth was a fragment of our minds work. Truth was fact, unsubjected to perspective and unregulated by sentiment in the least. It was solid, steady and unwavering in definition making it reliable,sturdy and completely trustworthy. So how does this work in favor of poignant feelings to begin with? The mind is associated with our practical interpretations and command of our intelligence. But the truth is something that should not be stereotyped as such, for the truth itself is an origin from our own conscience. And what delegates matters of our conscience other than our heart? So in what manner is it just to make truth an essence of the mind when our conscience is originated from the works of our heart?
I have learnt to deal with both parts of me over time. Using my head to realize right and wrong and using my heart to feel the truth in my call. It took many years and painfully subjected traumas to realize me and awaken me to my senses. It was an awakening in a sense and it was murder in another. I felt completely betrayed, hurt and the pain is beyond expression as I had neve felt such angst in comparison. It rendered me helpless and I was a lifeless shell that glided through life as motionlessly and not more alive than a rock. Losing all feeling, mirth and any sense of tranquility within my soul, I searched and longed desperately for some hope at a chance back at my life. Fooled at every turn I was at the brink of self destruction when unexpectedly a hand reached out and pulled me into a warm embrace of comfort.
Words, feelings and sheer passion. All my angst were recorded so that I would never forget it and that it would never fade from my sights. What seemed as conjunctures of sordid affairs in my life had more than one positive outlook to it. I received a loving family, a promise of a bright future, and I was enlightened on who were truly friends and who were beside me with more than complacent ulterior motives. I learnt a great deal from this antagonizing ordeal but honestly, I feel reborn. It is as if my whole soul was reincarnated and I was now living afresh. I had paid my dues and retributions, and now I was given an option to either move forward or wallow back into the pit of despair that I had so incredulously foolishly dug up for myself to begin with. I opt for the former with more than just relief at being awarded such a miracle but with a great deal of strength and a newfound thirst to prove myself. I won’t lie to my own heart by saying that I don’t yearn for a second chance to retrieve what I had lost that day, but I suppose when life gives you so much it has to take something away. And to me, life had claimed its greatest payment. I may never forget what had happened that day and what I had lost, though all I had were a few joyous laughs and an honest emotion, what may have happened if it was to have blossomed would be beyond my apprehension but it would have been both remarkable and beautiful. Tears will stain my pillow now and possibly every night of my life as I may never uncover the possibilities that lay at that path of my life but I will never regret the moments that I had or atleast the simple laughs that we shared. This is my conviction of devotion….

“To err is human but to forgive is divine". This is a saying that I have always kept close to my heart. I believed in its principle and I truly respected the form of elevating one’s position to such an esteemed level with such a noble act. Yet, there were upon many occasions where I used to sit and wonder why is it such a noble act? How difficult is it to accept an apology of a repentant figure, one that has swallowed all pride and succumbed to the incision of guilt? I mean I’m sure the person begging the pardon is suffering a great deal more shame and pain, in terms of emotionally and if it is a matter of social inclination that is included as well. How then is the forgiver the one that is noble? By opening his heart to a sincere apology? Is it fair to subject them to such judgments? Somehow, the way that I seem to be narrating this issue, I may be portraying that of a defensive side. Well, to be completely honest I have viewed both perspective and seeing the fact that I am after all human, I believe it safe to claim that I bear with me the knowledge of actually being on both sides to furnish me with enough details to deliberate.
The forgiver is seen as the more prominent of the two beings. Seeing that he is willing to overlook the wrong and injustice that has been done to him, he is thus elevated to the status of a divine being. Yes, it remains undeniable that the forgiver has suffered a great deal and perhaps even a loss on his behalf may have been rendered, but how many people have been wronged in life? How many still persist on with their arduous life styles. I don’t mean the imply that people should just grit their teeth and allow their fate and rights to be manipulated by the likes of others all in the name of the existence of apologies, but I do want to show how trivial it does seem, of the pain the forgiver bears when contrasted with that of the forgiven. I am not defending the sins committed or perpetrated by the forgiven, and neither am I condoning it. But, the point that I am so determined to emphasize and point out is merely that the it takes a great deal of courage, strength and inner confidence to actually own up to a mistake and even more to confess to a number of individuals especially if it does mean that embarrassment and humiliation is unavoidable. To know danger and walk into it is courageous but to know humiliation and accept the consequences of emotional torment all in the sake of mending mistakes so that justice and truth prevails is by far more stalwart than any act I have ever had the honor of coming across.
Sometimes I wonder if true human nature comes with sheer oblivion or we just choose to be so ignorant. I find it pretty degrading as I watch acts that naturally command some form of recognition or atleast appreciation in the least go unnoticed. At times, when these commendable acts are just glossed over I console myself that people are just nescient to certain details that done concern them in particular but what truly unearthes surges of anger within me would be the fact that some people have the audacity to slight these acts claiming that they are acts done insincerely or solely performed for selfish reasons. Do these people have any idea how much of pain is involved for a person to swallow his pride and admit shamefully to an act that is incommodious in nature? Of course not. It is however a synch to batter an already broken entity in his time of desperation, isn’t it? Welcome to the sadistic and barbaric world of human nature.
For the sinner, ( I’m not making this any milder than it should be) he endures a possibilty of a lifetime of personal torment as he is held questionable to his heinous acts by his own conscious ( something that every sane mortal should possess, unless of course they have succumbed to the level of animalistic integrity). Could you imagine sleeping at night, when every particle and every inch of your skin screams unease? Could you even conceive the mental fatigue of the culprit as he struggles day in and day out with a conscience that weighs a ton on his shoulders? Or do you think you are capable of fathoming the emotional trauma that somebody could endure when all every fibre of their body is tainted and every move made is calculated a million times because of fear and dereliction? Pretty paradoxical, won’t you agree?
I’m not going to pretend to be a saint and state that I have never held a grudge. Of course I have. But in cases where I know the penance has dutifully been subjected and retribution has made its run, I bear no ill feelings towards them. It would be a greater sin on my part not to accept their flaws. Besides, it doesn’t take much convincing as all I have to do would be to envisage myself it their shoes, and presto! I am able to decipher my next move. After all, I am not as hard-hearted to subject them to such angst and anguish. But not many people see things in my light and thus the most cruel of executions are implemented under the false pretext of avoiding conflict. What could be worse than the refusal of an apology? Ignoring and eluding someone. When a plea is turned down, atleast the person in debt is acknowledged but when you turn away from someone, you degrade them to a level of not even being worth a human recognition. Let me ask you, is this even remotely fair? Is this the sort of atonement that they should be asked to serve? What sort of sin could be as iniquitious to receive such an amercement? I doubt anything can tally to that level. So ask yourselves, do you really believe you are executing justice the way you perceive right, or are you simply adding on to the more inhuman ways of punishing others that so painfully seek pardon for their wrongdoings? Are creating awareness in the form of morality or creating awareness that highlights how unappreciative people are to the forgiven or worst unforgiven? Ponder upon this thought as it shakes the very root of our moral pillars and foundation.

So much has happened and changed diversely within these 18 years of my calculated existence. Most things are understandable but some remain mysteries that bewilder me till this very day. People walk through every phase in their lives so emotionlessly and so void of any inspiration that I find myself questioning the very motive of our existence. Where is the passion? Where is this so-called zest for life? Where is that spark that is supposed to twinkle so brightly in every individual’s eye? What has happened to that boost of energy that sends us flying out of bed like a cannon ball at the excitement of embracing and welcoming another day of simple life? So many unanswered or rather, unanswerable questions jolt me from this ignorant life that I so solemnly lead. There was once a wise saying, "an idle mind is a devil’s workshop". But I beg to differ in some circumstances. I found my mind "idling" in this manner at the time of leisure, questioning manfestations, exigences, perceptions, conceptions so on and so forth. I began prying and analyzing everything and everyone. Then, as a wave of realization washed over me, I persuaded myself to accept the fact that not all questions are indictable. But that is exactly what life is.
Life is all about the mysteries. It is about the unknown and the equivocal. This magic of inapprehensible and undiscovered truth is what gives us our motivation and boost. The eagerness in being able to one day uncover the truth behind the perplexity that surrounds our very existence is enough to fuel us for the next 100 years. If life wasn’t such an ambiguos secret would we be in the least bothered to take another step further in life? I hardly doubt it. Forgive me if i sound harshly sceptical or cynical but these are cold hard facts and reality isn’t a forgiving ambience. But what suprises me so is that, people these days are so hard to inspire. The simple joys of life that used to give them great pleasure and earn heartful chuckles now merely scratch a grin across their face. What I have realized is that people do change over time. No matter how much they deny or refute this fact, i am adamant in substantiating this opinion.
Time does take a toll on us sooner or later. Or does it? Is it fair to blame time? Or is it simply the evolution process itself? Is this how we are biologically programmed to function? Where we undergo intellectual, emotional and an all-rounded change in self as time progesses? I suppose so. Judging through the observation and simple scrutinization of the many assortments of characters and personalities that we surround ourselves everyday, I am inclined to think so. As we mature, our zest for life wears off and in its place we find practicality growing at a steady pace. We find ourselves rationalizing rather than believing, we find ourselves calculating rather than dreaming or hoping and worst of all (by my books) we find ourselves reasoning rather than knowing. There was a time in all our lives where we believed in the miracles that happened, and we dreamt and hoped for such miracles rather than calculate its possibility systematically and we knew with our hearts if we deserved it rather than reasoning and persuading our minds.
The simple fairy tales that accompanied us in childhood, the pleasures of believing in saints, angels and wishes upon stars that once filled our hearts and lives with immense joy has now been replaced with more practical expectations like plum dividents and solid premiums. It is almost devastating to find these child-like pleasures fade from adults so rapidly. Sheer innocent joy is now so scarce amongst any mature thinking adult that they don’t even believe in the magical existence of joy and pleasure. It depicts the transaction of life from blooming innocent laughter and giggles amongst flowery shrubs basking in the warmth of a bright sun to the melancholic semblance of practical maturity in a grey professional suit all geared up to gun down the next vulenerable person in our way. So much for innocence. Innocence takes a backseat, or rather, to be completely honest, it simply dissipates, bringing along with it compassion, fundamental principles (at times), and most essential of all imagination.
Adults lack the color and passion that children possess so vigorously and with the coming of age and apprehension, this vigor simply sifts through their fingers. Unable to grip or grasp it, adults turn to more solid basis and support. Facts and data. Cold hard facts without an ounce of passion or imagination involved. Today, I believe I have answered (through my own perception of course) what I believe has been a constant nagging to our subconscious emotional intelligence and to some undeniably, their intellectual aspect as well. Why life has become so mechanical and humdrum. Why it has transformed from an art form to a mechanic projectile. Why it lacks the passion and fervor that some individuals so desperately seek. It is nature and it is evolution and this is what a circle of life truly is….

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I was once told these wise words at a tender age of 11. I can still remember that day. My uncle and I had been watching a television program and it depicted a life of a youngster who had to face a great deal of hardship at such a young age. And like all adults he said something befitting that moment. At first, I took it lightly. Not knowing or addressing the depth that those words carried I brushed them aside as if they were everyday words. But as the years flash by, these small and harmless memories that carry so much importance in our life tend to haunt not our conscience but rather our intelligence at some point.
I was sitting pondering upon those words when a thought penetrated my mind. Is the grass ever green enough for either side? I suppose not. Most people have the tendency of just brushing past or flinging aside these tiny details of life that later become the missing links to the larger pieces of life’s everlasting puzzle. Memories and our past hold a great significance in our lives. It moulds us and shapes us. It makes us who we are and it defines our take on and in life itself. Yet, we see that in many cases we are advised against dwelling in the sorrows of our past. Why? Aren’t sorrows the emotion that emphasizes joy? Isn’t pain what highlights pleasure?
At times I wonder, why is it so hard to let go? Why is it that I find it almost impossible to move on? Sometimes, questions run fluidly through my mind. If it hurts so much, why can’t I let go? If I choose to go on and move on why is it that my mind reverts back to the past? These thoughts basically bombard my senses and paralyze my emotions with the same freezing pain that my heart so dutifully embraces day in and day out. I have yet to unravel the mysteries that these questions so preciously guard, but I have not given up yet.One day I believe that the truth will reveal itself and revelation will be my enlightenment.
But while that time has yet to come, the ultimate matter of dispute is, what shall I do? Leave my past in ashes of what charred remains I still hold of those past years, or should I cling to it and grasp it in the palms of my hand as a certificate of all that I have been through? Deeply perturbing, these thoughts are and yet they are fundamental to our emotional maturity. I remember those simple moments in life where I uttered words such as, " My greatest dream is to be able to lie on my deathbed and say proudly that I have no regrets". Naivety. Or was it plain ignorence? Well, whether it was innocence or plain nescience, one thing remains irrefutable. It was bliss. It definately was. The ability to have such dreams and truly believe in it may seem a tad childish but that sort of innocence is rare and for a split second of my life I possessed the power to annex such a dream.
Then life took its toll. With the maturity of age and the dawn of comprehension, innocence took a backseat in life and survival instincts became a vital source of motivation. Every turn with sheer innocence or the lack of emotional strength and equity was surely greeted by nasty peroration. I stepped into the world as a sheltered soul. Removed from actual ambience and soundly protected from the cynical world, I was the epitome of ignorance.
Incredibly oblivious to so many things, I became embroiled in muddles and messes that left me charred, vititated and emotionally crippled. I never expected life to be so vicious and heartless. Torn and ravaged by all that have happened, I hung on a thread. Clinging to what little pleasures and cherished moments that I had with me, I battled with fate. I can’t affirm that I have attained victory or that I am succesful but what I can say with firm conviction is that I am still surviving. It isn’t a survival that paints a potrait of perfection but I am still breathing through. I hold on to what remainders of both my past and present with a certain amount of pride as well as pain. As the saying goes, "No pain no gain". But what I am mostly proud of is that I have stopped struggling with my past and have grown accustomed to accepting it, for life is nothing more than a walk with your past, present and future intact.

Ever wondered if there was such a thing as fate? I mean, have we been predestined to endure whatever joys and hardship that we are currently enduring? Is this life some sort of great master piece concocted by a higher authority? These questions are the essence of our very existence but curiously I find that not many people seem intrigued by it. Honestly, I am a rather practical person. Don’t get me wrong, I am not an atheist. I have complete faith and believe in God. But my reasons for praying may differ from most. I believe in the teachings that religion holds us to. It may not be the existence of a higher being or the superstition that surrounds this divine power that keeps me enthralled by it, but rather, i find that all religion preaches and teaches basically the same thing in different manners.
But the main reason to why I find religion so captivating is because to many it is a mere faith but to me it is a savior. Befuddled? Let me enlighten you. Every soul has its painful moments and I am no different. In fact, I had bit off a little more than I could chew and predictably choked. Unable to confide in anyone, I suppresed my emotions and was asphyxiated with all that pent up frustration and angst. It was difficult as I was a person that took everything in a stride and no matter how depressed or traumatized by anything, I would never display my emotions as I always believed in handling my own issues. My problems resided within me and divulging them to others was never a plausible option.
I am not a loner. Neither am I deluded or alone. I have a perfectly beautiful and wonderfully supportive family and a number or true and devoted friends. I have no qualms turning to them but in this instance I found it almost impossible to. Inexplicable as it was, I found that no one could understand me at that point but myself and I resolved to stand this one down and face it. I have always been an independent person especially when it comes to handling my issues and problems and I was pretty firm with my decision that this would be no different. Yet, this harrowing experience was something completely alien to me. It was something that I had never encountered nor confronted in all my years.
Even though I had declined the help of familiar faces I was forced to accept the fact that I was in desperate aid of mental serenity and needed some way to tranquilize my storming soul. Miraculously, the answer that I had been so desperately seeking had been with me all this time. Faith. I needed to believe in something. I needed to have faith and restore my confidence by channeling my faith into something positive. Thats when I found the miracles of religion. It allowed me to believe again.
When everything crumbles around you and hope seems like a joke out of a book, the only way to pick yourself up would be by restoring all the lost faith in life. I have to admit that when I was so hopelessly embroiled and entangled in such mentally harassing and anxious affairs, I felt that there was absolutely no point in pursuing life. Destitute and deserted, nothing seemed important and I begin to live life like a walking corpse. Void of all emotion, I was a shell of my existence. I picked myself up as I recollected my thoughts and gathered my faith. With this newfound strength I started believing in life, it gave me strength to see why life persists.
I eventually gave myself to believing life. I sustained from falling off the brink it the eternal pit of despair. Picking myself up wasn’t at all in the least easy but I am eternally grateful for what faith has helped restore within me. Virtues, strength and most essentially life….

There are moments that flutter past my eyes which trigger a little trip down memory lane. I have been pretty nostalgic and all my previous entries are rather preachy I might say. To some they may be mere words that hold no importance but to me, these words are the very root of my existence. What is written and posted up there personify and represent the very essence of the author that so ceremoniously and painstakingly pens these arduous pieces. Words that hold so much importance and so much pent up emotions basically summarize my entire life. Now the question that trails these statements would be why allow such a public display of one’s life? Simply due to the sole reason that I believe in sharing what I have attained out of life with the rest of the world. I do believe in discrepancy and privacy but nonetheless what I am sharing is nothing out of the ordinary to some people as I believe that these incidents and occurences creep up somehow or rather in everyone’s life. These blogs simply present to you my take on these daily heart aches, tribulations, obstacles of life or simple experiences, however you choose to view it.
Disappointment and pain are inevitable in this perilous journey. Life is filled with a million heart rendering and wrenching moments and as we grow, through years, learnings, dawning comprehensions and with guidance and support, we begin taking things in a stride. Yet, the most painful and daunting experiences are the ones that provide us with the most insightful lessons. Ever heard of the saying, pride comes before a fall? Twist and diversify that slightly and you’ll derive a new definition. The higher you climb, the harder the fall. I did realize one fact throughout this short journey of mine. When we tend to expect and implicate expectations, disappointment seems to be an ascertained tag line.
I’m not saying that we should live life without expectations as they are the very source of inspirations and they mould us with a certain drive to achieve what we set out to. But what I mean is basically, have expectations but ensure that they are within grasp. Equip yourself mentally and emotionally and success will be yours for the taking. Life has its meddling and muddling ways of playing tricks with us. It throws in the most devastating and disastrous situations our way to divert our attentions and at times present us with delightful and beautiful bribes to drag us away from achieving our set goals. Go astray, and disappointment, shame and disatisfaction will haunt every strand of your delicate soul for the remainder of your life time.
Sounds particularly dangerous? Well, like all balanced features, the rewards that are to be reaped at the end of the day are more than gratifying. Focus is vital but even more the guidance and support of good friends and family is the core of success in this instance. I am not a saint to claim that I have been someone who has not run astray and had not diverted a number of times, but I have regained composure and I am very determined to accomplish what I had set out to in the first place. I had paid my dues (which came with some of the harshest penalties imaginable which make what little freedom and retribution I had obtained even more precious and beautiful in my eyes) and after being side tracked, temptation seems to be the mildest form of seduction in my eyes.
I guess that the enormous dosage of pain injected not into my veins but instead into my heart had a tremendous impact. I mean it was as if reality came with a cup of coffee to welcome me back from dreamland. It wasn’t pleasant or in the least enjoyable but atleast I am glad that I am living a life of honesty rather than a basic lie. I had grown so weary of dreading moments and basically crouching in a corner fearing upon which secret of my life was to be unearthed soon or what deep dark sin I had committed had been uncovered.
The constant gripping fear was driving me insane and I was unconsollable when reality came searching. But then again, life goes on I suppose. If not for me atleast for those around me that my presence effects and those that are heavily relying upon my support and future care (my family and certain friends). With this thought burning its torch in my conscience and fuelling my drive to move on I creep and crawl through life with one thought and one thought alone in my mind. To seek my penance and retribution. At last, I can close my eyes without another flashing nightmare or piercing prick at my conscience. I can finally live…

Just when I thought that live could not take a turn for the worst, it undecidedly did. I mean questions come pelting in from every corner of my life and long lost moments of the past have come back to haunt my memories. Its not like I have buried secrets as daunting as those from soap operas and so on, but its just that these were parts of me the jerked not only tears but brought back painful reminiscence of me that I chose to bury. Things that hurt both my pride and confidence. Moments that I have never accepted nor welcomed back as they weren’t moments that in any sense benefitted me. All that I truly got from these were immensely bitter experiences that left me in a pool of tears suffocating and drowning in sorrow. A trip down that memory road would only bring out more pent up and buried emotions which I have refused to subject myself to as the antagonizing moments I had gone endured during those harrowing ordeals were trying enough to my soul and strength.
Nevertheless, there is one thing that I have to admit. One thing that I had failed to see until a simple incident triggered its memory. I am a stronger and wiser person now. Never again shall I be naive enough to partake in such foolish momentary satisfactions of frolic. I have had my joy and I have paid the endearing price for it as well. But you may tend to ask what possess me or places me in the right frame of mind of wanting to immortalize such a painstaking ordeal instead of just burying the hatchet deep within myself. Well, it is rather simple actually. I’m done running.
For so many countless years I have ran and hid from the only person who could deal with such a mess, the only being that can truly understand what all this means, the only soul capable of rectifying all errs and mistakes done. ME. Yes, me. Who can understand me better than myself? I am no cynic but yet I tend to be my own critic and I am perhaps the most judgmental person there is when there are matters that concern myself making me the most apt person to rectify whatever problems that I have.
Running away from perhaps what can be considered my faltering moments have made me realize that I am a coward till now. We shall never truly be able to understand ourselves nor be ourselves if we can’t possibly love ourselves for all faults and points. And then again, if we can’t love ourselves first and foremost, how in the world are we emotionally capable of caring and feeling for another being? Despite all those words of consolation that I have fed my conscience and soul with, my intellectuality just won’t accept the reasoning that my heart readily did. The heart and mind are two beautiful works of art. They produce remarkable and majestic results that compliment their functions perfectly went put together but can be the very downfall to the existent of mankind. Just imagine a person without emotion, feeling or conscience? Doesn’t that befit the description that we bestow upon a hardened criminal? What about a world purely navigated by emotions and feelings? Would justice and the legal system hold? I think not.
So you see how these two magnificent creations of God come hand in hand with one another to present us with a perfect balance? Beautiful isn’t it? So when we are so apparently blessed with such intellect and emotional expertise how is it that we falter along the way and how is it remotely possible that we are so often misguided? I was left dumbfounded when this notion penetrated my ego as I questioned my abilities to reason. I never had an anwer that was satisfying enough. Curiously, the answer dawned upon me after a few hours of mind-boggling silence and hard solid thinking. The misinterpretation and imbalance of these two wondrous characters. When we lose balance between reasoning and feeling we run astray. It is true. When the weight shifts and balance between both factors are lost, rest assured that the results are disastrous.
I write this blog so cautiously not only in hopes of immortalizing my pains in order that I respect, accept and gratify every moments of peace that have come out of it, but also as a means o highlighting my plight to others so that they may learn what I have through my experiences and make the right choices without facing the exact ordeal which I have so readily perceived as a learning experience. But then again, have to fun is learning it the hard way right?

There are times in our lives when we feel that everything is but a dark cloud. Only sorrow seems to embrace us, tears seem greet us and cries seem to be our only companion. All joy has come to a crashing halt and laughter seems like nothing but a distant memory. Depressing? Of course. This is how life was for me for quite sometime. Everytime I closed my eyes my all that came within sight was the horrific reality that seemed to welcome me back to the living hell that I resided in. How could this be? I simply could not answer this question as so recently ago life was anythin but a nightmare. It was blissful and I enjoyed everywaking moment of my life looking forward to an eternity spent in my own shoes.
So dreadful life seemed as I awoke into this world of sole disappointment, anger and vexation. I could neither comprehend it nor understand it. Why was this happening to me and what had I done to deserve such a gruelling punishment? Such questions penetrated my thoughts at every moment and they tore at both my conscience and heart. A life that seemed so perfect was shattered in the blink of an eye and what seemed like eternal bliss was conformed to the social cruelty and destitution. All was over in a split second.
I awoke fresh from this nightmare with perspiration of a dawning comprehension of reality. All the misguided notions that once ruled my fancies and controlled my desires seemed so far away. I was actually able to grasp onto reality and see what life truly was. It was at this moment that I began to live. And I haven’t stopped since. Waking up to life and realizing that life is all about achieveing what we set out to and facing every obstacle in our path hand in hand with those that we surround ourselves with.
I grew to realize that we don’t need a million beings surrounding us instead a few noble and trustworthy ones. Life is all about retribution. It is about love, comprehension and learning. We learn through mistakes and experiences. We learn from our family, friends and ambience. We learn by appreciating, understanding and feeling. This is truly the essence of life. We may never find true happiness or bliss till we awaken and see life for its true form.
I have lived a lie all this while. Indulging in pleasures that now seem trivial to the soul and silly to the mind. Yet, in someways I am glad that I have erred along the course of life and have made several critical mistakes along the way. Curious to my claim? No, I am not insane. Quite the contrary in fact. It takes a mistake to understand a fault the same way, if you get up from a fall, the pain of the fall makes the lesson learnt even more valuable. As the saying goes, " No pain no gain".
For this reason, I am grateful for all that have made a presence in my life. Good or bad. As either way, I have learnt a valuable and life altering lesson. I have found those that will truly be by my side through times rough and smooth. It tickles at my humor at this time when I think of those people whose simple existence seemed to evaporate within mere seconds at the time that I needed them the most. When my heart yearned for words of comfort and a shoulder to cry on, I was left desperately alone, except for the mere presence of my family and a few of my true friends.
With this simple test that God bestowed me with, I was able to establish and distinguish the essentials of life and distinguish the difference between mere wannabes and actual beings that fitted and earned the title of the word friends. This was my realization. My dawning comprehension. My awakening.

When times were rough a single thought used to come to mind, "why is this happening to me?" Day in and day out I would ask myself this question over and over again. And then one day the answer just came to me. As I stared blankly at the ceiling and pondered upon my depressing state of affairs the tears that blurred my sight apparently did not do the same for my insight. Things happen solely to us not because we are cruel and fate deems a punishment upon our sinful souls but because we will such occurences upon ourselves. Of course there times where fate intervenes and we are betrayed by the natures of what goes around comes around but rarely is the case that this happens.
Sometimes it seems that life is so unfair and that what we yearn so greatly is something that someone else regards so trivially. Doesn’t that just burn your insides with jealousy as you feel like screaming in their faces "Don’t you realize how lucky you are?!" But think again. You are looking at one perspective… try another. How many people would scorn at you for your unappreciative nature to the already privileged life and style that you behold so dimly? A great many let me tell you. It is perfect human nature never to be satisfied with what they already hold so firmly within their grasp. But don’t writhe in agony, its perfectly natural. Dissatisfaction and the urge to have and do better has spurred many great achievements and this same dissatisfaction is the sole reason why we are so advanced in all perspectives. Our refusal at permanent satisfaction.
The same goes for every aspect of our lives, especially our emotions. The heart is constantly changing and is certainly highly influential upon decisions, perspectives and judgement. The heart tailors what the mind perceives. Sometimes we feel confused and especially at this tender age where changes occur so rapidly, we youths are always in a state of imbroglio. Enveloped by insecurity and tinged with pent up frustration and inexplicable urges, we tend to seek solace and comfort in the most unlikely places. The arms of the opposite sex, friends and even resorting to the likes of chemical substances….(ahem, I’ll leave the rest to your imagination). I am no saint. I am not going to claim that I have not endured and undergone this phase for I have. And I cannot be prouder in claiming that I have done my share of sins and paid my dues in retribution for with this I have become wiser. By allowing my heart to do the deciding and completely ignoring the sane reasoning of my head, I have made my blunders and trips.
But you know what, I am proud of it. For if I had not felt the antagonizing pain that I endured during this period of awakening, or had I not spent those moments in constant gripping fear of constant peril at the hands of those that matter, I suppose that I won’t be filled with this sense of maturity that I have earned today. I won’t be as enlightened and I certainly know for a fact that I would not have taken life as seriously as I do now. But most critically of all, had I not passed through such a rebellious passage of life, I would not have opened my eyes to the riches and jewels that surround my presence at every waking moment of my life.
I owe my existence to these people and I will gladly give them credit to all that I have and am to accomplish. For these nimble fingers, steady grasps and wilfull words were the pillars of my strength. It was at this point that I truly realized what life had been trying to teach me all this time. What common sense had been urging me to see in all my years of existence. What lessons that I had learnt in moral class that I had so readily scorned upon had been all about. Think with your head, feel with your heart and decide with your conscience.
All those lessons of life and how teachings are ressurected and given life through the harrowing experiences that we live was just to teach us the basic lesson of how to perceive things and execute judgement in the right and orderly manner. Yikes! If i had taken anymore time in figuring this out, I might have been the biggest moron ever! Then yet again, I can’t come down on myself too hard as there still are others that have spent half their lives trying to figure out what i have managed to in 18 years. Not that I’m exulted by this solitary fact but of course a tinge of pride does tend to blossom in the corner of my heart.
Well, it isn’t arrogance that is saying these words. It is pure judgement of the mind and heart all in one. But then again, it is how we interpret it. I see it this way, as confidence and pride, the are others that will view it as arrogance and egoism. But you know what, I don’t care. I simply don’t as I am through living my life through the eyes of others. I live for me and those that are closely knit beside me and it is their perception and thoughts that matter. Not the world, society or the people. It is me and you……

Sometimes we wonder if life is fair, if what the heart yearns for so dearly is worth the endless turmoil that fate infuses into our lives. The puzzling state of our continous pain and angst just cements the fact that life is indeed unjust. I mean look at how many people have it so easy and yet those that search for something more meaningful and deeper only end up at the losing end. Why do things have such a demeaning nature?
Moments flash by our eyes and we realize that the trivialities in nature that we so readily scorn upon are the exact things that so many of us at this tender age desperately seek…. Why though? Why should we subject ourselves to such low standards? Don’t we deserve more self-worth? I mean ladies ask yourselves…. How much longer are flowers and chocolates going to be sufficient to your emotions? How much more would sweet nothings said with absolutely no basis in true emotion be the words your heart craves for?
Why do we subject ourselves to the cruel justification of society? We allow our every move to be dictated and subjected to their criticism and monitoring. And yet when time calls most importantly, its this exact society that deserts you… I have lived a life that confined me to how society perceived life should be. I aided and cruelly subjugated emotions and tailored my feelings and dreams in order to be accepted by life and norms only to end up hurt disappointed and dismayed…
It isn’t worth it. There is absolutely no point of moping and crying a bucket of tears for those who not only perceive you wrongly but also misinterpret your actions and thoughts. I live for myself and I should live for those souls that so dearly surround me in times of grief and times of sorrow. Live for the lives that bestow so much affection, undivided attention and undying and unwavering faith… For these are the souls that will remain by your side through days of joy or turmoil, these are the entities that will grasp your fingers and lead and guide you through the thickest brushes and hardest forests. This firm grip will be the one that picks you up every time you fall and brush away your tears… It will be these tender fingers that will trace a smile upon your face and point you in the right direction. It will be these strong shoulders that you will be able to lean against and cry your soul out and the tips of these gentle creatures will caress your problems away blanketing you in eternal comfort and security…….
Thank you friends and most importantly family ( the souls that live for us…..)