Its actually erm, 6:47 am says my clock... I've once again had a restless night of sleep which has left me more tired than I was before my sleep. I need to get rid of this problem. I took a personality quiz earlier as it was an actual psychological personality quiz not like the thousands of fun quizzes I've taken on facebook and stuff. One question there still seems to linger on my mind. "Are most of your problems internal or external" This question sort of baffled me. I mean, of course my problems are external but I guess I tend to internalize them in a negative manner which of course is rather unhealthy in the long run. Frankly speaking, I think my internal locus of control runs way too deep for my own good. Though I tend to verbalize external variables and factors as the obstacles in my everyday life, I do tend to internalize the problem and in solitude, I tend to overwork these thoughts. I exhaust myself wondering how I could be different and if I was different would it matter. How could I be different and who would be happier by it. Then of course this tends to bring about the notion, if that is the case, aren't people happy with me now?
Many have said, to my face no less, that I am the worst kind of people pleaser. I tend to look outwardly towards everyone's needs and never at my own. Its not really a selfless issue as I seek pleasure in other's happiness. I often wonder, isn't it possible to be happy on my own accord? Do I really need to see another person smile for me to share their joy? I know there are many kind hearts that do take joy in seeing me happy for my own reasons but sometimes I feel that these joys are simply...inadequate.
The funky way my mind works or the ridiculous manner in which it processes information and emotions befuddles me just as much as the next person. I'm a horoscope junkie and my daily activity is to read a bunch of them, choose the best one and live by that for the day. In a way it helps boost my will but I know for a good reason that this is another of those unhealthy practises I need to be rid off. All in good time I suppose. (Straying off point here) Well basically, being a horoscope junkie, I do realize that my sign, Pisces, is one of great sensitivity. Being me, I suppose its pertinent to say that all that I've read about the sign is mostly true. In regards to myself of course. I spend so much time dreaming about the what-ifs and what-coulds, that I find myself hardly satisfied with the right-nows.
Expectations have never been an imposition that was healthy for me. Of course I do inspire to change this and with it my take on life as a whole. Always stopping to smell the roses, I am greatly appreciative of everything I am and have at this juncture in life. I just wonder if its enough. God has been kind to a large extent. In fact, my faith has never been as unwavering as it now is. I learnt from a great person, a person that I admire to the depths of my heart that to have faith, is to put aside the how and the why and believe. To question, is to doubt. How can there be room for faith in a mind full of doubt? I have to start believing. Believing in myself, in life and God. I know that although life may be hard for me because of me, I will never be forsaken. Faith will carry me through and hopefully, one day, the faith in myself will too.
Many have said, to my face no less, that I am the worst kind of people pleaser. I tend to look outwardly towards everyone's needs and never at my own. Its not really a selfless issue as I seek pleasure in other's happiness. I often wonder, isn't it possible to be happy on my own accord? Do I really need to see another person smile for me to share their joy? I know there are many kind hearts that do take joy in seeing me happy for my own reasons but sometimes I feel that these joys are simply...inadequate.
The funky way my mind works or the ridiculous manner in which it processes information and emotions befuddles me just as much as the next person. I'm a horoscope junkie and my daily activity is to read a bunch of them, choose the best one and live by that for the day. In a way it helps boost my will but I know for a good reason that this is another of those unhealthy practises I need to be rid off. All in good time I suppose. (Straying off point here) Well basically, being a horoscope junkie, I do realize that my sign, Pisces, is one of great sensitivity. Being me, I suppose its pertinent to say that all that I've read about the sign is mostly true. In regards to myself of course. I spend so much time dreaming about the what-ifs and what-coulds, that I find myself hardly satisfied with the right-nows.
Expectations have never been an imposition that was healthy for me. Of course I do inspire to change this and with it my take on life as a whole. Always stopping to smell the roses, I am greatly appreciative of everything I am and have at this juncture in life. I just wonder if its enough. God has been kind to a large extent. In fact, my faith has never been as unwavering as it now is. I learnt from a great person, a person that I admire to the depths of my heart that to have faith, is to put aside the how and the why and believe. To question, is to doubt. How can there be room for faith in a mind full of doubt? I have to start believing. Believing in myself, in life and God. I know that although life may be hard for me because of me, I will never be forsaken. Faith will carry me through and hopefully, one day, the faith in myself will too.
I'm happy when you're happy girl. =)
And by the way, I believe that too. I never question God. I question the church yes, all the time! But not my belief that he is up there, watching over me. Faith is glorious.
Hahaha, that I do know... Yup, faith sees us through, as much as love does... How can faith exist without love? Hmm... another thought to ponder...