I'm blogging again!! Yaayyy me!!! Though I'm not as constant as I should be... LOL! But its a start nonetheless! I have A TON of news to share!!! Wow!!! I'm super excited! Well... first things first! My dreaded confrontation, is OVER!!! God, I can't believe the pressure I've put myself through and all those nights of sobbing myself to sleep thinking I would never get answers and drawing up the worst possible conclusions of what might have happened. Well, I'm not gonna lie and say that everything is simply peachy at the moment. I mean, I did expect something more to be honest. Frankly, I am disappointed. I mean, the reasons presented was of course, the ever present, work. But apart from that, I found nothing as concrete as I expected, or rather, hoped. The part that I suppose made me wince the most was the fact that I realized, there never was any attempt made. I mean, I shied away. That was a known fact but sadly, I realized, I wasn't worth the effort of comforting. I moved away and he simply let me slide by. I had reasons as to why I moved away and I believe they are very viable ones, ones that he is now aware of. But, apparently, it still doesn't move him in any way. I honestly, can't help but feel a little let down (okay, fine! For the sake of honesty! I feel let down A LOT! OKAY! HAPPY?!)
I made a real effort in bringing this whole thing to light but I just feel as if he's skating by the whole thing without really wanting to talk about it. I feel like he's simply humoring me at this point. I defied logic, reason and A LOT OF TELLING OFF in levelling my anger and frustration so that I'd make him feel comfortable enough to talk about it, but now I feel as if all that effort just didn't pay off in any way. I mean, I did ask if he had any questions for me, but he shrugged (in my head~ I envisioned it!) it off and said no in a nonchalant manner. How could he not? I simply can't wrap my mind around this bit! I mean I had TONS of questions! I drove myself nuts trying to answer them on my accord! (I literally did!) And being a pessimist by nature, this didn't do ANY good to my emotional being. I mean, I felt torn, hurt, angered, frustrated, rejected, dejected, despaired, humiliated and very embarassed with myself. Jeez, I had to go for COUNSELLING! (Well, this wasn't the only presenting problem but still, it was significant enough to me)
I guess, I can't really blame him. I mean, to him it simply was something that he thought off and then shrugged off once it didn't seem to work. It simply was in his case. It wasn't in mine. I build castles in the sky and being a natural fantasist, I literally lived in those castles. I guess, this is why I've been warned against being such a dreamer. I lived my whole childhood (and most of my life really) through my books which mostly spoke of prince charmings and happily ever afters. Thats all I've ever really wanted. To love and be loved back. I wanted a fairy tale of my own. But life isn't a story, I guess. Sometimes, we're just not gifted to have that everlasting love. To marry the first guy you fall in love with. Well, it appears so in my case atleast.
I do see things from his perspective though, I mean, I'm all the way here and I'm not someone thats seemingly ideal in any way. Why should he put in any effort at all? What makes me worth fighting for? But, wouldn't it be nice to have someone do so though? I don't need a guy who would fight dragons for me or slay creatures in my name, but someone who would just want to hold on to me. All I needed was one phone call from him. Thats all I needed, I'd have dropped everything and gone back. But the first sign of contact came a month later. A whole month. Can you blame me for having the thoughts that I had?
Commitment apparently is his problem. He's afraid to commit. I've never asked for anything from him. All I need is a line from time to time to know that he thinks of me. He misses me. Something. I don't really need someone by my side at all times. I'm perfectly fine being by myself and at times thats actually how I prefer it. He might not have thought of anything before getting close to me but I certainly did. I knew of the risks and the distance and everything. Maybe the timing wasn't right. I needed him at that point. And maybe I needed him too much. I was dealing with a lot at the time and I had isolated myself from pretty much everyone and everything except him because I thought he would understand and accept me nonetheless. In essence, I suppose I trusted him with myself. I thought he would never judge me, that he would still find it in him to accept who I am, I guess I thought wrong.
This experience has been painful to the core. Sometimes, I sit and wonder if anyone would really accept me for me. If anyone would find it in them to like (love is too strong a word I think) me for who I am. With all these experiences placed in front of me, I can't help but feel like a failure. I've wronged my conscience by doing things I'd never have allowed (by my standards, the general public would scorn that I'm even considering this a standard, but in my books its a big step!) myself. There hasn't been an instance where I haven't beaten myself up over this. I do regret it somehow but in some ways I don't too. I can't explain how I felt, as I was between terrified and hopeful and I had mixes of tiny bouts of excitement as well as anxiety all laced with shyness (yes, yes, a person can feel all that in one go without exploding) On my part it was a choice. My conscience would call it a bad one, my heart would beg to differ. It was an extremely hard choice but I made it. Regrets? Yes and no. I regret the circumstance, but place me in that same position, I wouldn't change a thing. The memories I have, haven't been tainted by the outcome of this, they remain as pure, sweet and tender as I shall remember and cherish.
I look back and sometimes I wonder if I was a better person would he have tried? But fact is, I'm not. Maybe all the "cynics" as I had called them were right. There are no such things as fairy tales. There isn't the perfect guy. Its all a matter of knowing whats important and sacrificing the rest of our desires. In other words, settle. Just choose one and make the best of it. Honestly, I can't even imagine doing the suggested. Quite frankly, I'm at a crossroad, do I go by fantasy or reality? Reality is tangible, its real but its surely less than perfect. Fantasy will keep my hopes up as it will keep my dreams alive but whether or not it manifests or materializes is a whole other question. Only time can tell the path I'm about to choose.... For at this juncture, I certainly can't....
