Its been 5 months plus since Dad has been out of the hospital. A blessing like no other that was. The memories of that place however, were no such thing. I can still smell the pungent whiff of Death just lurking in the corner, waiting to jump out at you at any given time. That whole ward seemed like Death's Den and there would be no other place that could make me feel gloom like that place did. Just being there made me wonder if I could ever come out of there alive.
Yesterday, another one of Dad's friends, or rather his room companion, passed away. He was 23 years old. I knew close to nothing of him except that he was young and had thought he had a bright future awaiting him. Never did he accept nor did he want to accept that he would not see pass his 23rd year. I cried last night. I cried for someone I barely knew. I cried because I did not see how anyone should have had their future snatched from them the way he did. I did not see how he should be robbed of the chance to spend more time with his family and his love. I just could not see. I cannot see. What hurt more than expected was that, I could not do anything either. I felt powerless. I want to help and yet I stand without the ability to.
I'd be lying if I said thats it. What scares me more is the fact that they seem to be picked up one after the other. And the more I think of it, the more I scare myself senseless wondering if my father may be next. There hasn't been a moment that I haven't wondered what I would do without him. I am a daddy's girl. Though I'm not as close to my parents as I'd like to be, I just would not and will not accept a life without either of them. I can't help wishing that I'd had done better by them. If only I had been a better daughter or a better person... But if I say those things, then would it be more of a reason for him to leave? I shudder at the mere thought. I remember crying myself to sleep during one of those gruelling nights. I felt that I had brought that illness upon my father. I still do. If only he had never worried so much about my future. If only he needn't worry to provide for us so much. If only he needn't worry so much about the need to protect and care for us so much. So many ifs... So many tears and worries and cries.
I would have gladly taken it myself. I mean, I have asked God if he could spare my dad and take me instead. I'd gladly go. My family needs my father. My mother does and my brother. My mother could never live without him and my brother needs him to live on. I would be the most expendable. Why couldn't I be the one to go? If I had to, I would.
Sometimes I have this fear that, I really could go at any given time. I might have to give up everything I had dreamt of having. What would I do then? My dreams, my fantasies, my wishes....everything. It scares me. It scares me a lot. But if it means that my family can have my dad back, i'd give it all up in a heart beat. I don't believe that I am worth more than anyone. I mostly exist in the shadows, pleasing everyone and not really standing on my own grounds for my own needs. The world could do with less of me, but my family wouldn't without my father.
20 years or 2 or even a day, I know it will come. I just don't know if I could leave without a goodbye. A chance to say goodbye. I hope that I will have that chance. I pray....
