Barney n..... ME???
Dee
i love you
you love me
we're a happy family
with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you
wont you say you love me too!

i love you
you love me
we're best friends as friends should be
with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you
wont you say you love me too!

Okay, so I've literally lost it....
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Michael Buble- Home
Dee
I know I haven't put up any songs yet so I thought I might do that. The latest song craze thats polluting my ears 24-7 is Michael Buble's Home. Yes, I'm finally over the whole Taylor Swift's- You Belong With Me craze....well, at least until her next song comes out and if I fall in love with that too. =) Lol...This is the song that I want as the last song played on my wedding day =) (Ugly, Stinky and Abnormal- yes, it will happen!) LOL

Home- Michael Buble

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home
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A Bright New Day
Dee
The curtains flutter as the wind creeps in,
As it brushes past, it leaves behind a tiny grin,
The tiny partition brings about a faint trace of sunshine,
A new day, A new time, A new way thats every bit mine,
How will this day go?
Will it be great? Or will it be slow?
I drink in the chirping of the birds and the rustling of the leaves,
The heaviness and gloom of yesterday it bereaves,
I look at the door and wonder,
What lies yonder?
Catastrophes and calamities,
Or frolic and felicities,
Hesitation sets in,
Will curiosity win?

Things do go wrong,
And the day may seem oh so long,
But head held high,
Letting spirits fly,
I'll take a step at a time,
I'll make my way, I'll make my climb,
This isn't the time to let go,
But it is to go with the flow,
People may cause tears,
And new things may bring about new fears,
But tomorrow is worth fighting for,
So I'll open that door....

The time seems right,
A move to day from night,
A smile creeps up from nowhere,
I'm neither here nor there,
But I know that where I stand today,
And with my head and heart I'll find my way.


(See!! I can be inspired with positivity~ but I'll have to admit, this took a looooot more effort!)

LOVE!
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Evil and Its Niceties
Dee
The world is an evil place. A line I've heard time and time again and a line that doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon. Being my "mentor" of sorts, Stinky has been trying very hard indeed to change my ways in trying to see that the world is a dangerous place and that caution should be an integral part of my everyday practice to no avail. Or maybe I have "learnt" a little and I'm slightly "better" now than I used to be, but I still do "give money to every bloody beggar in sight" as she'd put it (when she's not looking of course- she smacks hard) I'm said to be ignorant and selective as to what I prefer noticing and perceiving around me, which I think I should refrain from disputing, not to avoid stirring a controversy but because its true. I'm aware of the heinous crimes that take place every other day. The murders, robberies, rapes, violence...no, I'm not that ignorant. So the question would be, with all these things happening around me, how is it that I can be SO blind as to believe that the world is a good place?

Answer- I don't. I don't think the world is entirely good and it is nothing but good. I believe that there still is good in the world. Someone once said, that the world still had some good in it but it is fast facing extinction. I agree and disagree. The world does have good in it, I refuse to believe otherwise. And of course if we opt to sit by the sidelines and choose nothing more than to criticize the disasters that the world undergoes rather than be part of it, all the good in the world will go to the dogs eventually. But I disagree that the world will one day be depleted of all things sweet, innocent and untainted as I would sooner see the end of my days then be a part of a world thats an empty shell of its existence.

Call me blessed, sheltered, naive, nescient or simply oblivious to the turmoil and angst that surr
ounds me. And you can choose to disbelief me when I say that I am aware of it. I do pay attention to the sufferings around me (us) but how long can I dwell on it? How much emotional energy shall I bequeath to pain? I empathize, truly I do. But I don't feel it right to write off the fact that the world holds nothing worth believing in. I find and see love at every corner, every turn and at every glance. I see innocence in the eyes of a child, I see purity in the smiles of these children, I see warmth in the looks of care and passion in the eyes of lovers, I see compassion and devotion in the smiles a parent gives their child. I see the love that fills our every day... How can a world so evil hold such untainted joy? How can it give birth to acts of kindness and bonds of affection? We can see love, only if we choose to see it. These days everyone is so embroiled with all the displeasures and disgusts that the world holds that even the most intricate yet delicate acts of kindness
are frowned upon with caution and skepticism. Faith has become a subject of ridicule and prudence a way of life.

So what about those who have been affected by the atrocities around us? The families who have lost loved ones to these acts of evil? There are no words I can
find that will do justice to your pain. You have my deepest condolences and my level best at empathizing with your grief. I can never say that I truly will be able to feel your pain as that would be a pretense that I'm not willing to assume. Your pain is exclusive to you and that is something I respect. But life doesn't end there now, does it? The loss of a loved one, though throws us off balance doesn't deter us from living now does it? The love of those who still are around us keeps us going. The support garnered from the rest of our loved ones allows us to hold on, to hope that life won't turn bleak. It gives a reason to believe that we are not denied a chance to live on. And this is in its own right the beauty of life inspired from a fragile and delicate strand of purity called love. If we choose to love and cherish one another despite our differences and if we choose to believe in the good in people, we will have a reason to want to stay alive. We will be proud to be alive. We will love being alive. I don't mean to belittle the loss of those people who have perished in the n
ame of infamy. But allowing them to remain a hindrance in our lives would be feeding to their loss further. Let their departure be an inspiration, let it be an encouragement of sorts to allow their lives to be cherished and their loss to be of a revelation.

This is a perspective that I thought was worth sharing as I have often been badgered into being more wary of people. As a possibly wise person (lol!) once told me, life is leap of faith =
) Its about having the faith to make a choice. A choice between seeing or discarding the good in life. I choose to see, I want to see and therefore I do and hopefully shall... I thank each and everyone of you for you guidance but this is one instance where I think my stand stays =)

(I won't just throw caution to the wind la- I'll be careful, promise!)

(And for another individual who said that I'm morbidly depressing in so many words... I hope this provides a little sunnier introspect)

Smiles!

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Shop shop DROP!
Dee
Okay, now that was an abnormally long post.... Not at all my usual but hey, I was angry. And if you're reading this then you ought to know by now what happens when I'm angry (if you don't- I babble!) But on a lighter note, here's how I spent most of the two days of my week long public holiday. Firstly, there was the outing with Sanjhanna and mom. Sanjhanna decided to stay the night on Monday and so on Tuesday we went to Sunway Pyramid together then had mum join us for lunch. I'm close to being broke again :( Its a sad thing when a grown adult's purse strings and heart strings are tied together. Even sadder yet when those reins are placed in the hands of a 4 year old who loves to shop. She shopped. I dropped.

Well, the day was not a total waste... I managed to spot a few things that I will be going back to pick up (when I'm not so broke!) for myself. And I have somehow managed to develop an addiction to nail polish now. Hmm... maybe its to replace my coffee addiction in some ways... Exorbitant addiction.

Today was fun too. Instead of mom, today the day out was spent with dad. Dad had a meeting in Puchong so Sanjhanna and I ventured out to IOI Mall and within an hour dad was with us. And thank god too, for within the hour the little tyke had managed to wheedle a bag, comb, 2 books a toy and some hair accessories from me. I really need some self-control! All in all fun but uneventful. But the day isn't over yet and lets see if there are some sweet suprises in store at dusk.

Much love!
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Country Headed by Cows
Dee
Being a Malaysian has not always made me swell with pride but this is one instance where I cowered in shame. I know for a fact that this is old news to many but I as I was seething with anger over the whole incidence I opted to wait before I made my stand and thoughts clear on the matter. Also, I was curious to see what the authorities would do about the matter before I started spouting venom. Well, they did something but it was as close to nothing as something could get. First things first. The video is crucial.



This is the demonstration that took place in front of the Secretariat Building in Selangor. The protest was about a temple being relocated to Section 23 which is a predominantly Malay infested area. My question is this, in what manner is the construction of a Hindu temple in a Malay area a desecration to Islam? How is it an act of disrespect to the Muslims staying there? If there were solid points of objections such as the location would cause traffic congestions and such, fine, thats acceptable. But this is sheer nonsense. This demonstration has been a blatant attack and apparent disregard for the religion and rights of the minorities. Which religion tolerates disrespect towards another religion? I have read the Qu'ran (the translated version of course) and Islam is very much a peace-loving religion. The protestors here have not only defied the very teachings of their religion but they have brought shame to it. They have allowed their egos to get the better of them in the name of religion. Apart from anger, what I feel for these people is pity. Pity that their shallow-mindedness and sheer stupidity has not only affected them but has also brought disgrace to the very religion they wanted "protect". Maybe its time the Moral lessons in schools be made mandatory for the Muslims too. It seems like they need it as much as the non-Muslims.

If one temple in a Malay dominant area is a problem, then should we relocate mosques from non-Muslim dominated areas? A questions such as this one could spark much controversy but yet it is inevitable. Take for instance the existence of a Buddhist Center and a Hindu temple side by side in ss13, so far, there hasn't been a reported incident of discord between the two ethnic groups. This is just one example, there are tons more places where two places of worship are practically side by side and have existed that way for ages (Go google it yourselves if you aren't gonna take my word for it- faith people! faith!) But then again, we can't expect the same amount of maturity and wisdom from everyone, especially those who lack a sense of responsibility, humility and fair amount of intelligence.

The individuals in the video Ibrahim Sabri and Mahyuddin Manaf were the organizers of this whole show of protest. If they were so against they construction of the temple in that location would it have killed them to have presented their case with more dignity and grace? Could they not have put forth their dissatisfaction in a practical and respectable manner? Haven't these individuals heard of a petition? There are ways of ensuring that the voice of the public is heard but it should not be at the cost or risk of insulting another race and religion. Their anger and frustrations were towards the lack of understanding coming from the government, why is it that the Hindu race had to be vilified in such a manner? And in response to the fact that Manaf had stated that it was the leaders that had made the residents of Section 23 barbaric (forgive my choice of words but if I could choose something more vile without getting in trouble I would- and I'm not sorry about it either!), therefore it is agreed that they had behaved like savage, illiterate, barbaric individuals? Regardless of who "made" them the way they are, it is a mutually consented basis that they have behaved in a manner that deems them both uncultured and uncivilized. I can't help but snicker at the stupidity of it all... They seem like petty little children who point fingers at their parents saying "I'm throwing a fit and behaving badly coz you won't give me my candy!" LOL.

Even better is when he (Manaf) was questioned about the head of the cow, he claimed that this was not part of the agenda yet it did not stop him from standing beside him while his co-organizer (Sabri) placed a foot upon the head of the cow. An crude and boorish act that indicates dominance. How stupid do we have to be to actually believe that stance (that they had nothing to do with the cow's head?- right, we'd have to be Hishamuddin) Watch the following video below for clarifications.




Yes, I'm very sure that Hishamuddin is relieved that this protest was not politically instigated, but question is, are the people relieved though? For if this wasn't politically motivated, then this was definitely an swipe at the Malaysian Indian community. And yes, I'm sure that the participants of a protest against the construction of a Hindu temple had no inkling that a cow's head was a sensitive issue to Hindus. I mean, what the heck?! Who the heck is he kidding?! How dense do you have to be?! Jeez, and this guy made into the parliament?! Moreover into the Cabinet??! God, help this country! Best part is there are a great number of videos circulating on youtube that show the organizers making full use of the cows head in demonstration of their anger all the while being blissfully ignorant that the cow's head was not part of the agenda.... Peachy rite? Whilst he (Hishamuddin) undermines (or basically forgets that we all have brains) our intelligence, he goes on to further degrading us by pretending we're all imbeciles. Yes, the bright side of this whole thing is that through the racial attack and clear violation of another religion's respect, they managed to be heard. And the best part is, their violent and disrespectful ways are further rewarded as the final verdict is that the temple will be moved to a more "suitable" location. Remember everyone, wanna be heard next time around? Go find a head! I'm sure SPCA will be thrilled! Oh wait, scratch that, you have to be a Muslim in order for you to do so and have the backing of the Home Minister. I'm sure the "sane" parties involved wanted to avoid all those lawyers in Brickfields being arrested and all those ISA protestors (which was a record-breaking 580 arrests-if im not mistaken) from being arrested too, only difference is that they were not at all pro-government. Too bad about that right? I mean, he tried not to create a furor in Selangor and arrest those who desecrated another religion but he had no qualms about arresting those who stand up for human rights... Hmm... tough call. If an eye for an eye is the way around problems then there would be no solution at all right, tell that to the five Hindraf leaders who were detained under the ISA. The creme de la creme is at the very end when our beloved and oh so wise Home Minister put forth this statement and a following question. "The very people who wants the ISA to be uh, dimansuhkan, sekarang ni buat kenyataan suruh saya tangkap diorang ni dalam ISA. Logik ke tidak?" (Watch the rest on your own accord aitez!) To answer that question, yes its perfectly logical. The people wanted you to ABOLISH (yes my dear verbally-challenged Home Minister- that was the word you were looking for) the ISA, but did you? You refused to heed their cries and the ISA still stands today, does it not? So today when the tables are turned and its your own creed at fault, you question if you should book them under the ISA? Ikut suka kita ke ikut suka anda. Lebih-lebih lagi anda berkemampuan bertanyakan masyarakat apakah tindakan yang seharusnya anda ambil? Fikirlah sejenak. Sebagai seorang pemimpin negara, adakah tindakan anda wajar atau adil dari sebarang sudut? Tanyalah suara hati anda jikalau sebarang pun alasan atau dalih yang anda menyatakan munasabah atau boleh diterima oleh rakyat yang mampu berfikir secara waras. Tanpa berbohong kepada diri anda sendiri dan jika, dan hanya jika, hati nurani anda mampu berikhlas dan tulus anda akan mendapati jawapan kepada kesemua soalan yang ditujukan kepada anda.

If I have offended anyone in any way, I will not apologize unless I truly believe I have wronged you. I slander no one but those who have fallen short of what they are supposed to be. I speak ill of no religion nor institution but of the people who perpetrate atrocities in its name. I do not frown upon to right to speak or be heard until it becomes disrespectful to another person or party. As grown individuals who have graced this existence for such a long time, ask yourselves if this is the legacy you wish to leave behind to your children and grandchildren. The talk of hate, idiocy, partiality and the utterly disgraceful way of patronizing every other individual on the face of this earth. So much for 1Malaysia right? Forget the ideals and concepts, start acting like leaders and treat others with respect and you won't need the fore mentioned ideals and concepts. 1Malaysia is here, its only clouded over by the very people who advertise it.
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Slothlike Sunday
Dee
I'm blogging again! Yayy me for the consistency part! LOL! (Jeez, talk about perky!) Well, it feels good to be able to do so again really. I haven't been able to write mostly because everytime I sat down to do so, my thoughts were interrupted by sobbing sessions. (Sheesh rite?) But after that rather cathartic purge of my inner frustrations, I feel like starting anew (okay, I know the vibe I'm emitting now is that everything is well and fine already~ just a clarification- things aren't perfect yet but I'm dealing with it!) and I just want things to go back to normal really. I hope things pick up. But really this post is to talk about all the current exciting things that have happened that I haven't been able to pen down. For instance, the incredible time that Jill, Gling and I had at the Korean Barbecque place! I mean it was awesome! (pictures will arrive the minute I can get them from Gling~and I pray to God that its within this lifetime!) We had a cooking competition and everything! Awesome I tell you! Damn! I so wanna go there with Sar! Lol! Well, apart from that I guess another thing thats happened would be the fact that Gling finishes work today!! WOOOOO!!!! Its her last day at work today!! I'm super happy! Now she doesn't have to work at that awful place again! The exploitation that takes place is unforgivable I tell you! Today I basically spent time lazing at home with the family seeing that Raya is a one off holiday for us slackers. Sanjhanna and Uncle Bani spent some time with us and we went playing off in the playground and stuff.... Pretty uneventful to be honest but still enjoyable still the same! Looking forward to tomorrow! Nitey nitez!

LOVEEE!!!
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The End of This Journey... I Think...
Dee
I'm blogging again!! Yaayyy me!!! Though I'm not as constant as I should be... LOL! But its a start nonetheless! I have A TON of news to share!!! Wow!!! I'm super excited! Well... first things first! My dreaded confrontation, is OVER!!! God, I can't believe the pressure I've put myself through and all those nights of sobbing myself to sleep thinking I would never get answers and drawing up the worst possible conclusions of what might have happened. Well, I'm not gonna lie and say that everything is simply peachy at the moment. I mean, I did expect something more to be honest. Frankly, I am disappointed. I mean, the reasons presented was of course, the ever present, work. But apart from that, I found nothing as concrete as I expected, or rather, hoped. The part that I suppose made me wince the most was the fact that I realized, there never was any attempt made. I mean, I shied away. That was a known fact but sadly, I realized, I wasn't worth the effort of comforting. I moved away and he simply let me slide by. I had reasons as to why I moved away and I believe they are very viable ones, ones that he is now aware of. But, apparently, it still doesn't move him in any way. I honestly, can't help but feel a little let down (okay, fine! For the sake of honesty! I feel let down A LOT! OKAY! HAPPY?!)

I made a real effort in bringing this whole thing to light but I just feel as if he's skating by the whole thing without really wanting to talk about it. I feel like he's simply humoring me at this point. I defied logic, reason and A LOT OF TELLING OFF in levelling my anger and frustration so that I'd make him feel comfortable enough to talk about it, but now I feel as if all that effort just didn't pay off in any way. I mean, I did ask if he had any questions for me, but he shrugged (in my head~ I envisioned it!) it off and said no in a nonchalant manner. How could he not? I simply can't wrap my mind around this bit! I mean I had TONS of questions! I drove myself nuts trying to answer them on my accord! (I literally did!) And being a pessimist by nature, this didn't do ANY good to my emotional being. I mean, I felt torn, hurt, angered, frustrated, rejected, dejected, despaired, humiliated and very embarassed with myself. Jeez, I had to go for COUNSELLING! (Well, this wasn't the only presenting problem but still, it was significant enough to me)

I guess, I can't really blame him. I mean, to him it simply was something that he thought off and then shrugged off once it didn't seem to work. It simply was in his case. It wasn't in mine. I build castles in the sky and being a natural fantasist, I literally lived in those castles. I guess, this is why I've been warned against being such a dreamer. I lived my whole childhood (and most of my life really) through my books which mostly spoke of prince charmings and happily ever afters. Thats all I've ever really wanted. To love and be loved back. I wanted a fairy tale of my own. But life isn't a story, I guess. Sometimes, we're just not gifted to have that everlasting love. To marry the first guy you fall in love with. Well, it appears so in my case atleast.

I do see things from his perspective though, I mean, I'm all the way here and I'm not someone thats seemingly ideal in any way. Why should he put in any effort at all? What makes me worth fighting for? But, wouldn't it be nice to have someone do so though? I don't need a guy who would fight dragons for me or slay creatures in my name, but someone who would just want to hold on to me. All I needed was one phone call from him. Thats all I needed, I'd have dropped everything and gone back. But the first sign of contact came a month later. A whole month. Can you blame me for having the thoughts that I had?

Commitment apparently is his problem. He's afraid to commit. I've never asked for anything from him. All I need is a line from time to time to know that he thinks of me. He misses me. Something. I don't really need someone by my side at all times. I'm perfectly fine being by myself and at times thats actually how I prefer it. He might not have thought of anything before getting close to me but I certainly did. I knew of the risks and the distance and everything. Maybe the timing wasn't right. I needed him at that point. And maybe I needed him too much. I was dealing with a lot at the time and I had isolated myself from pretty much everyone and everything except him because I thought he would understand and accept me nonetheless. In essence, I suppose I trusted him with myself. I thought he would never judge me, that he would still find it in him to accept who I am, I guess I thought wrong.

This experience has been painful to the core. Sometimes, I sit and wonder if anyone would really accept me for me. If anyone would find it in them to like (love is too strong a word I think) me for who I am. With all these experiences placed in front of me, I can't help but feel like a failure. I've wronged my conscience by doing things I'd never have allowed (by my standards, the general public would scorn that I'm even considering this a standard, but in my books its a big step!) myself. There hasn't been an instance where I haven't beaten myself up over this. I do regret it somehow but in some ways I don't too. I can't explain how I felt, as I was between terrified and hopeful and I had mixes of tiny bouts of excitement as well as anxiety all laced with shyness (yes, yes, a person can feel all that in one go without exploding) On my part it was a choice. My conscience would call it a bad one, my heart would beg to differ. It was an extremely hard choice but I made it. Regrets? Yes and no. I regret the circumstance, but place me in that same position, I wouldn't change a thing. The memories I have, haven't been tainted by the outcome of this, they remain as pure, sweet and tender as I shall remember and cherish.

I look back and sometimes I wonder if I was a better person would he have tried? But fact is, I'm not. Maybe all the "cynics" as I had called them were right. There are no such things as fairy tales. There isn't the perfect guy. Its all a matter of knowing whats important and sacrificing the rest of our desires. In other words, settle. Just choose one and make the best of it. Honestly, I can't even imagine doing the suggested. Quite frankly, I'm at a crossroad, do I go by fantasy or reality? Reality is tangible, its real but its surely less than perfect. Fantasy will keep my hopes up as it will keep my dreams alive but whether or not it manifests or materializes is a whole other question. Only time can tell the path I'm about to choose.... For at this juncture, I certainly can't....
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Tears Of Mine
Dee
Everything lies scattered around,
Some lost and never found,
So much has gone,
Nothing I've won,
You walk your own way,
Never will you know all that I have wanted to say,
Say all you want,
But take away my pain you simply can't,
Mistakes happen,
But they left my wounds raw and open,
You take one glance and flee,
If only you turn around you will see,
That I'm still standing,
Waiting.

Standing all alone,
I thought without you I'd grown,
I felt stronger,
And I would have lasted longer.

Why did you come back?
I used to cry one the day turned black,
Now I cry when its bright or dark,
To you my heart was nothing more than a lark,
Where do I go when I can't see,
What do I do when my heart isn't free,
You're the reason for my tears at night,
You're the reason I shudder in fright,
I think of you and I'm afraid to feel,
I'm afraid to heal...

Broken inside is all I am,
Never will I know, damned,
Lost it will remain,
My tears, my nights, frights, my pain...

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Loneliness, my best friend
Dee
Loneliness seems to be a solid companion in my life. Well, maybe not so much loneliness but this sinking aching feeling that you're just not complete. Like something's missing. Sometimes it feels as if you've forgotten something and other times it feels like you're trying to forget something. I'm trying to forget something but these few days have been extremely hard. Added with the fact that I'm PMSing... I just feel... lonely. An emptiness inside that at one point was slowly filling itself out but now seems to have grown so deep that its gnawing away at my defense wall. The wall that I built to protect myself once. Tears just seem so overrated these days. I'm too tired out of crying my eyes out. I just don't have it in me anymore.

Distraction barely work as I see myself constantly reflecting back without realizing. I'm associating everything all over again. I'm driving myself insane. I thought blogging about it would help. Apparently it doesn't. So I'm going to stop.
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PMS Shite!
Dee
Lots of times I have to sit and ponder about what it is I want to talk about. This isn't one of those times. A lot has been going on... Too much perhaps. Though not everything is bad, I just feel like I need a breather. My mind feels bogged down and my heart feels heavy. I can't get my feet on the go and my spirits seem to wane. Why? I have no idea. .... Okay, I lied. I have an idea. But its not something that I'm particularly proud of. I'm tired of being me. I'm in a damn rut. (You may very well take this to be one of those PMS rantings of mine) I'm fearful, anxious, hurt and most of the times irked.

My tiresome mood swings are leaving me absolutely drained of emotional energy. I feel happy at one second and completely livid the next. WHATS BLOODY HELL WRONG WITH ME?! Jeez... I so need to get a life!
Ok, starting NOW! NO MORE RANTING!!!! Lol... SMILEY!!!






And juz for the fun of it I wanted to add this little one... coz i thought the color was pretty! :)

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Fears That Keep Me Awake...
Dee
Its been 5 months plus since Dad has been out of the hospital. A blessing like no other that was. The memories of that place however, were no such thing. I can still smell the pungent whiff of Death just lurking in the corner, waiting to jump out at you at any given time. That whole ward seemed like Death's Den and there would be no other place that could make me feel gloom like that place did. Just being there made me wonder if I could ever come out of there alive.

Yesterday, another one of Dad's friends, or rather his room companion, passed away. He was 23 years old. I knew close to nothing of him except that he was young and had thought he had a bright future awaiting him. Never did he accept nor did he want to accept that he would not see pass his 23rd year. I cried last night. I cried for someone I barely knew. I cried because I did not see how anyone should have had their future snatched from them the way he did. I did not see how he should be robbed of the chance to spend more time with his family and his love. I just could not see. I cannot see. What hurt more than expected was that, I could not do anything either. I felt powerless. I want to help and yet I stand without the ability to.

I'd be lying if I said thats it. What scares me more is the fact that they seem to be picked up one after the other. And the more I think of it, the more I scare myself senseless wondering if my father may be next. There hasn't been a moment that I haven't wondered what I would do without him. I am a daddy's girl. Though I'm not as close to my parents as I'd like to be, I just would not and will not accept a life without either of them. I can't help wishing that I'd had done better by them. If only I had been a better daughter or a better person... But if I say those things, then would it be more of a reason for him to leave? I shudder at the mere thought. I remember crying myself to sleep during one of those gruelling nights. I felt that I had brought that illness upon my father. I still do. If only he had never worried so much about my future. If only he needn't worry to provide for us so much. If only he needn't worry so much about the need to protect and care for us so much. So many ifs... So many tears and worries and cries.

I would have gladly taken it myself. I mean, I have asked God if he could spare my dad and take me instead. I'd gladly go. My family needs my father. My mother does and my brother. My mother could never live without him and my brother needs him to live on. I would be the most expendable. Why couldn't I be the one to go? If I had to, I would.

Sometimes I have this fear that, I really could go at any given time. I might have to give up everything I had dreamt of having. What would I do then? My dreams, my fantasies, my wishes....everything. It scares me. It scares me a lot. But if it means that my family can have my dad back, i'd give it all up in a heart beat. I don't believe that I am worth more than anyone. I mostly exist in the shadows, pleasing everyone and not really standing on my own grounds for my own needs. The world could do with less of me, but my family wouldn't without my father.

20 years or 2 or even a day, I know it will come. I just don't know if I could leave without a goodbye. A chance to say goodbye. I hope that I will have that chance. I pray....
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The Beginning of Fall
Dee
Thus begins a new semester... As much as I wish I could say that life was a merry stroll in the park, I can't exactly put it in those exact words. I sit in my room of 21 years and stare at its bright cheery green walls hoping that it would take me a couple of minutes to absorb its mood. I'm trying. Still trying. *Peek, is it working? *Aaauuummm.... Nope. Nothing. Ah well.

Utterly disappointed in myself for being so LAZY!! I can't believe I failed to keep my resolve! But hey, what else is new right? Stinky called me a tiresome exercise freak which I have to admit has kinda been the entire focus of my pitiful existence. But allow me to clarify and illustrate why I have been gym absorbed recently. Firstly, with Shyam akka's wedding coming up, I know for a fact that I need to lose more than a few pounds. Especially when my MOTHER is gonna be designing the saree blouse and everything, I KNOW for a fact that there will be MINIMAL fabric involved (something I detest!) and there's no effing way I'm gonna be dressed like that when I'm unsure of myself. Another point would be a more, well, vindictive one rather. SOMEBODY will be attending the wedding too. Or rather, I think so. And if SOMEBODY is, then I'm hoping that I look good enough to atleast show that I'm better off and I'm keeping well and fine without SOMEBODY'S presence! Two VERY strong motivating factors.

Adie is being a total dumper at this point. Not returning calls, not smsing, nothing. So I'm not gonna bother from now on. Its a little irksome (okay, I'm very irked...sheesh...so much for underplaying) as I feel sidelined. But more frustrating is that I feel she doesn't really care. Stinky is always tired these days as she has to accompany Ugly to and fro work and doing all this whilst juggling classes. Poor Stinky. Poor Ugly too as I think she's being exploited by her no good employers with her measly wage and ridiculous job scope. [Everybody go buy batik at 1World Hotel by the 21st, after that, DON"T EVEN GO NEAR THAT PLACE] I'm totally evil! I know! *wink!

I'm stressing out about leaving next year. My plans aren't as smooth sailing as I'd hoped they'd be. There are a few glitches I'm experiencing. Thankfully, one of them I've resolved today and I'm praying that all the folds are smoothened out soon. *Twitching nervously....

Right now, I'm feeling a little drained.... But seeing that semester has indeed started, I'm pretty sure that this will not be the last entry for an extended time... Or honestly, I'm hoping to god that I have more willpower than this! Pathetic!!
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Sunday, September 27, 2009

Barney n..... ME???

Sunday, September 27, 2009 Posted by Dee
i love you
you love me
we're a happy family
with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you
wont you say you love me too!

i love you
you love me
we're best friends as friends should be
with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you
wont you say you love me too!

Okay, so I've literally lost it....
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Friday, September 25, 2009

Michael Buble- Home

Friday, September 25, 2009 Posted by Dee
I know I haven't put up any songs yet so I thought I might do that. The latest song craze thats polluting my ears 24-7 is Michael Buble's Home. Yes, I'm finally over the whole Taylor Swift's- You Belong With Me craze....well, at least until her next song comes out and if I fall in love with that too. =) Lol...This is the song that I want as the last song played on my wedding day =) (Ugly, Stinky and Abnormal- yes, it will happen!) LOL

Home- Michael Buble

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home
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A Bright New Day

Friday, September 25, 2009 Posted by Dee
The curtains flutter as the wind creeps in,
As it brushes past, it leaves behind a tiny grin,
The tiny partition brings about a faint trace of sunshine,
A new day, A new time, A new way thats every bit mine,
How will this day go?
Will it be great? Or will it be slow?
I drink in the chirping of the birds and the rustling of the leaves,
The heaviness and gloom of yesterday it bereaves,
I look at the door and wonder,
What lies yonder?
Catastrophes and calamities,
Or frolic and felicities,
Hesitation sets in,
Will curiosity win?

Things do go wrong,
And the day may seem oh so long,
But head held high,
Letting spirits fly,
I'll take a step at a time,
I'll make my way, I'll make my climb,
This isn't the time to let go,
But it is to go with the flow,
People may cause tears,
And new things may bring about new fears,
But tomorrow is worth fighting for,
So I'll open that door....

The time seems right,
A move to day from night,
A smile creeps up from nowhere,
I'm neither here nor there,
But I know that where I stand today,
And with my head and heart I'll find my way.


(See!! I can be inspired with positivity~ but I'll have to admit, this took a looooot more effort!)

LOVE!
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Evil and Its Niceties

Friday, September 25, 2009 Posted by Dee
The world is an evil place. A line I've heard time and time again and a line that doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon. Being my "mentor" of sorts, Stinky has been trying very hard indeed to change my ways in trying to see that the world is a dangerous place and that caution should be an integral part of my everyday practice to no avail. Or maybe I have "learnt" a little and I'm slightly "better" now than I used to be, but I still do "give money to every bloody beggar in sight" as she'd put it (when she's not looking of course- she smacks hard) I'm said to be ignorant and selective as to what I prefer noticing and perceiving around me, which I think I should refrain from disputing, not to avoid stirring a controversy but because its true. I'm aware of the heinous crimes that take place every other day. The murders, robberies, rapes, violence...no, I'm not that ignorant. So the question would be, with all these things happening around me, how is it that I can be SO blind as to believe that the world is a good place?

Answer- I don't. I don't think the world is entirely good and it is nothing but good. I believe that there still is good in the world. Someone once said, that the world still had some good in it but it is fast facing extinction. I agree and disagree. The world does have good in it, I refuse to believe otherwise. And of course if we opt to sit by the sidelines and choose nothing more than to criticize the disasters that the world undergoes rather than be part of it, all the good in the world will go to the dogs eventually. But I disagree that the world will one day be depleted of all things sweet, innocent and untainted as I would sooner see the end of my days then be a part of a world thats an empty shell of its existence.

Call me blessed, sheltered, naive, nescient or simply oblivious to the turmoil and angst that surr
ounds me. And you can choose to disbelief me when I say that I am aware of it. I do pay attention to the sufferings around me (us) but how long can I dwell on it? How much emotional energy shall I bequeath to pain? I empathize, truly I do. But I don't feel it right to write off the fact that the world holds nothing worth believing in. I find and see love at every corner, every turn and at every glance. I see innocence in the eyes of a child, I see purity in the smiles of these children, I see warmth in the looks of care and passion in the eyes of lovers, I see compassion and devotion in the smiles a parent gives their child. I see the love that fills our every day... How can a world so evil hold such untainted joy? How can it give birth to acts of kindness and bonds of affection? We can see love, only if we choose to see it. These days everyone is so embroiled with all the displeasures and disgusts that the world holds that even the most intricate yet delicate acts of kindness
are frowned upon with caution and skepticism. Faith has become a subject of ridicule and prudence a way of life.

So what about those who have been affected by the atrocities around us? The families who have lost loved ones to these acts of evil? There are no words I can
find that will do justice to your pain. You have my deepest condolences and my level best at empathizing with your grief. I can never say that I truly will be able to feel your pain as that would be a pretense that I'm not willing to assume. Your pain is exclusive to you and that is something I respect. But life doesn't end there now, does it? The loss of a loved one, though throws us off balance doesn't deter us from living now does it? The love of those who still are around us keeps us going. The support garnered from the rest of our loved ones allows us to hold on, to hope that life won't turn bleak. It gives a reason to believe that we are not denied a chance to live on. And this is in its own right the beauty of life inspired from a fragile and delicate strand of purity called love. If we choose to love and cherish one another despite our differences and if we choose to believe in the good in people, we will have a reason to want to stay alive. We will be proud to be alive. We will love being alive. I don't mean to belittle the loss of those people who have perished in the n
ame of infamy. But allowing them to remain a hindrance in our lives would be feeding to their loss further. Let their departure be an inspiration, let it be an encouragement of sorts to allow their lives to be cherished and their loss to be of a revelation.

This is a perspective that I thought was worth sharing as I have often been badgered into being more wary of people. As a possibly wise person (lol!) once told me, life is leap of faith =
) Its about having the faith to make a choice. A choice between seeing or discarding the good in life. I choose to see, I want to see and therefore I do and hopefully shall... I thank each and everyone of you for you guidance but this is one instance where I think my stand stays =)

(I won't just throw caution to the wind la- I'll be careful, promise!)

(And for another individual who said that I'm morbidly depressing in so many words... I hope this provides a little sunnier introspect)

Smiles!

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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Shop shop DROP!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009 Posted by Dee
Okay, now that was an abnormally long post.... Not at all my usual but hey, I was angry. And if you're reading this then you ought to know by now what happens when I'm angry (if you don't- I babble!) But on a lighter note, here's how I spent most of the two days of my week long public holiday. Firstly, there was the outing with Sanjhanna and mom. Sanjhanna decided to stay the night on Monday and so on Tuesday we went to Sunway Pyramid together then had mum join us for lunch. I'm close to being broke again :( Its a sad thing when a grown adult's purse strings and heart strings are tied together. Even sadder yet when those reins are placed in the hands of a 4 year old who loves to shop. She shopped. I dropped.

Well, the day was not a total waste... I managed to spot a few things that I will be going back to pick up (when I'm not so broke!) for myself. And I have somehow managed to develop an addiction to nail polish now. Hmm... maybe its to replace my coffee addiction in some ways... Exorbitant addiction.

Today was fun too. Instead of mom, today the day out was spent with dad. Dad had a meeting in Puchong so Sanjhanna and I ventured out to IOI Mall and within an hour dad was with us. And thank god too, for within the hour the little tyke had managed to wheedle a bag, comb, 2 books a toy and some hair accessories from me. I really need some self-control! All in all fun but uneventful. But the day isn't over yet and lets see if there are some sweet suprises in store at dusk.

Much love!
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Monday, September 21, 2009

Country Headed by Cows

Monday, September 21, 2009 Posted by Dee
Being a Malaysian has not always made me swell with pride but this is one instance where I cowered in shame. I know for a fact that this is old news to many but I as I was seething with anger over the whole incidence I opted to wait before I made my stand and thoughts clear on the matter. Also, I was curious to see what the authorities would do about the matter before I started spouting venom. Well, they did something but it was as close to nothing as something could get. First things first. The video is crucial.



This is the demonstration that took place in front of the Secretariat Building in Selangor. The protest was about a temple being relocated to Section 23 which is a predominantly Malay infested area. My question is this, in what manner is the construction of a Hindu temple in a Malay area a desecration to Islam? How is it an act of disrespect to the Muslims staying there? If there were solid points of objections such as the location would cause traffic congestions and such, fine, thats acceptable. But this is sheer nonsense. This demonstration has been a blatant attack and apparent disregard for the religion and rights of the minorities. Which religion tolerates disrespect towards another religion? I have read the Qu'ran (the translated version of course) and Islam is very much a peace-loving religion. The protestors here have not only defied the very teachings of their religion but they have brought shame to it. They have allowed their egos to get the better of them in the name of religion. Apart from anger, what I feel for these people is pity. Pity that their shallow-mindedness and sheer stupidity has not only affected them but has also brought disgrace to the very religion they wanted "protect". Maybe its time the Moral lessons in schools be made mandatory for the Muslims too. It seems like they need it as much as the non-Muslims.

If one temple in a Malay dominant area is a problem, then should we relocate mosques from non-Muslim dominated areas? A questions such as this one could spark much controversy but yet it is inevitable. Take for instance the existence of a Buddhist Center and a Hindu temple side by side in ss13, so far, there hasn't been a reported incident of discord between the two ethnic groups. This is just one example, there are tons more places where two places of worship are practically side by side and have existed that way for ages (Go google it yourselves if you aren't gonna take my word for it- faith people! faith!) But then again, we can't expect the same amount of maturity and wisdom from everyone, especially those who lack a sense of responsibility, humility and fair amount of intelligence.

The individuals in the video Ibrahim Sabri and Mahyuddin Manaf were the organizers of this whole show of protest. If they were so against they construction of the temple in that location would it have killed them to have presented their case with more dignity and grace? Could they not have put forth their dissatisfaction in a practical and respectable manner? Haven't these individuals heard of a petition? There are ways of ensuring that the voice of the public is heard but it should not be at the cost or risk of insulting another race and religion. Their anger and frustrations were towards the lack of understanding coming from the government, why is it that the Hindu race had to be vilified in such a manner? And in response to the fact that Manaf had stated that it was the leaders that had made the residents of Section 23 barbaric (forgive my choice of words but if I could choose something more vile without getting in trouble I would- and I'm not sorry about it either!), therefore it is agreed that they had behaved like savage, illiterate, barbaric individuals? Regardless of who "made" them the way they are, it is a mutually consented basis that they have behaved in a manner that deems them both uncultured and uncivilized. I can't help but snicker at the stupidity of it all... They seem like petty little children who point fingers at their parents saying "I'm throwing a fit and behaving badly coz you won't give me my candy!" LOL.

Even better is when he (Manaf) was questioned about the head of the cow, he claimed that this was not part of the agenda yet it did not stop him from standing beside him while his co-organizer (Sabri) placed a foot upon the head of the cow. An crude and boorish act that indicates dominance. How stupid do we have to be to actually believe that stance (that they had nothing to do with the cow's head?- right, we'd have to be Hishamuddin) Watch the following video below for clarifications.




Yes, I'm very sure that Hishamuddin is relieved that this protest was not politically instigated, but question is, are the people relieved though? For if this wasn't politically motivated, then this was definitely an swipe at the Malaysian Indian community. And yes, I'm sure that the participants of a protest against the construction of a Hindu temple had no inkling that a cow's head was a sensitive issue to Hindus. I mean, what the heck?! Who the heck is he kidding?! How dense do you have to be?! Jeez, and this guy made into the parliament?! Moreover into the Cabinet??! God, help this country! Best part is there are a great number of videos circulating on youtube that show the organizers making full use of the cows head in demonstration of their anger all the while being blissfully ignorant that the cow's head was not part of the agenda.... Peachy rite? Whilst he (Hishamuddin) undermines (or basically forgets that we all have brains) our intelligence, he goes on to further degrading us by pretending we're all imbeciles. Yes, the bright side of this whole thing is that through the racial attack and clear violation of another religion's respect, they managed to be heard. And the best part is, their violent and disrespectful ways are further rewarded as the final verdict is that the temple will be moved to a more "suitable" location. Remember everyone, wanna be heard next time around? Go find a head! I'm sure SPCA will be thrilled! Oh wait, scratch that, you have to be a Muslim in order for you to do so and have the backing of the Home Minister. I'm sure the "sane" parties involved wanted to avoid all those lawyers in Brickfields being arrested and all those ISA protestors (which was a record-breaking 580 arrests-if im not mistaken) from being arrested too, only difference is that they were not at all pro-government. Too bad about that right? I mean, he tried not to create a furor in Selangor and arrest those who desecrated another religion but he had no qualms about arresting those who stand up for human rights... Hmm... tough call. If an eye for an eye is the way around problems then there would be no solution at all right, tell that to the five Hindraf leaders who were detained under the ISA. The creme de la creme is at the very end when our beloved and oh so wise Home Minister put forth this statement and a following question. "The very people who wants the ISA to be uh, dimansuhkan, sekarang ni buat kenyataan suruh saya tangkap diorang ni dalam ISA. Logik ke tidak?" (Watch the rest on your own accord aitez!) To answer that question, yes its perfectly logical. The people wanted you to ABOLISH (yes my dear verbally-challenged Home Minister- that was the word you were looking for) the ISA, but did you? You refused to heed their cries and the ISA still stands today, does it not? So today when the tables are turned and its your own creed at fault, you question if you should book them under the ISA? Ikut suka kita ke ikut suka anda. Lebih-lebih lagi anda berkemampuan bertanyakan masyarakat apakah tindakan yang seharusnya anda ambil? Fikirlah sejenak. Sebagai seorang pemimpin negara, adakah tindakan anda wajar atau adil dari sebarang sudut? Tanyalah suara hati anda jikalau sebarang pun alasan atau dalih yang anda menyatakan munasabah atau boleh diterima oleh rakyat yang mampu berfikir secara waras. Tanpa berbohong kepada diri anda sendiri dan jika, dan hanya jika, hati nurani anda mampu berikhlas dan tulus anda akan mendapati jawapan kepada kesemua soalan yang ditujukan kepada anda.

If I have offended anyone in any way, I will not apologize unless I truly believe I have wronged you. I slander no one but those who have fallen short of what they are supposed to be. I speak ill of no religion nor institution but of the people who perpetrate atrocities in its name. I do not frown upon to right to speak or be heard until it becomes disrespectful to another person or party. As grown individuals who have graced this existence for such a long time, ask yourselves if this is the legacy you wish to leave behind to your children and grandchildren. The talk of hate, idiocy, partiality and the utterly disgraceful way of patronizing every other individual on the face of this earth. So much for 1Malaysia right? Forget the ideals and concepts, start acting like leaders and treat others with respect and you won't need the fore mentioned ideals and concepts. 1Malaysia is here, its only clouded over by the very people who advertise it.
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Sunday, September 20, 2009

Slothlike Sunday

Sunday, September 20, 2009 Posted by Dee
I'm blogging again! Yayy me for the consistency part! LOL! (Jeez, talk about perky!) Well, it feels good to be able to do so again really. I haven't been able to write mostly because everytime I sat down to do so, my thoughts were interrupted by sobbing sessions. (Sheesh rite?) But after that rather cathartic purge of my inner frustrations, I feel like starting anew (okay, I know the vibe I'm emitting now is that everything is well and fine already~ just a clarification- things aren't perfect yet but I'm dealing with it!) and I just want things to go back to normal really. I hope things pick up. But really this post is to talk about all the current exciting things that have happened that I haven't been able to pen down. For instance, the incredible time that Jill, Gling and I had at the Korean Barbecque place! I mean it was awesome! (pictures will arrive the minute I can get them from Gling~and I pray to God that its within this lifetime!) We had a cooking competition and everything! Awesome I tell you! Damn! I so wanna go there with Sar! Lol! Well, apart from that I guess another thing thats happened would be the fact that Gling finishes work today!! WOOOOO!!!! Its her last day at work today!! I'm super happy! Now she doesn't have to work at that awful place again! The exploitation that takes place is unforgivable I tell you! Today I basically spent time lazing at home with the family seeing that Raya is a one off holiday for us slackers. Sanjhanna and Uncle Bani spent some time with us and we went playing off in the playground and stuff.... Pretty uneventful to be honest but still enjoyable still the same! Looking forward to tomorrow! Nitey nitez!

LOVEEE!!!
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Saturday, September 19, 2009

The End of This Journey... I Think...

Saturday, September 19, 2009 Posted by Dee
I'm blogging again!! Yaayyy me!!! Though I'm not as constant as I should be... LOL! But its a start nonetheless! I have A TON of news to share!!! Wow!!! I'm super excited! Well... first things first! My dreaded confrontation, is OVER!!! God, I can't believe the pressure I've put myself through and all those nights of sobbing myself to sleep thinking I would never get answers and drawing up the worst possible conclusions of what might have happened. Well, I'm not gonna lie and say that everything is simply peachy at the moment. I mean, I did expect something more to be honest. Frankly, I am disappointed. I mean, the reasons presented was of course, the ever present, work. But apart from that, I found nothing as concrete as I expected, or rather, hoped. The part that I suppose made me wince the most was the fact that I realized, there never was any attempt made. I mean, I shied away. That was a known fact but sadly, I realized, I wasn't worth the effort of comforting. I moved away and he simply let me slide by. I had reasons as to why I moved away and I believe they are very viable ones, ones that he is now aware of. But, apparently, it still doesn't move him in any way. I honestly, can't help but feel a little let down (okay, fine! For the sake of honesty! I feel let down A LOT! OKAY! HAPPY?!)

I made a real effort in bringing this whole thing to light but I just feel as if he's skating by the whole thing without really wanting to talk about it. I feel like he's simply humoring me at this point. I defied logic, reason and A LOT OF TELLING OFF in levelling my anger and frustration so that I'd make him feel comfortable enough to talk about it, but now I feel as if all that effort just didn't pay off in any way. I mean, I did ask if he had any questions for me, but he shrugged (in my head~ I envisioned it!) it off and said no in a nonchalant manner. How could he not? I simply can't wrap my mind around this bit! I mean I had TONS of questions! I drove myself nuts trying to answer them on my accord! (I literally did!) And being a pessimist by nature, this didn't do ANY good to my emotional being. I mean, I felt torn, hurt, angered, frustrated, rejected, dejected, despaired, humiliated and very embarassed with myself. Jeez, I had to go for COUNSELLING! (Well, this wasn't the only presenting problem but still, it was significant enough to me)

I guess, I can't really blame him. I mean, to him it simply was something that he thought off and then shrugged off once it didn't seem to work. It simply was in his case. It wasn't in mine. I build castles in the sky and being a natural fantasist, I literally lived in those castles. I guess, this is why I've been warned against being such a dreamer. I lived my whole childhood (and most of my life really) through my books which mostly spoke of prince charmings and happily ever afters. Thats all I've ever really wanted. To love and be loved back. I wanted a fairy tale of my own. But life isn't a story, I guess. Sometimes, we're just not gifted to have that everlasting love. To marry the first guy you fall in love with. Well, it appears so in my case atleast.

I do see things from his perspective though, I mean, I'm all the way here and I'm not someone thats seemingly ideal in any way. Why should he put in any effort at all? What makes me worth fighting for? But, wouldn't it be nice to have someone do so though? I don't need a guy who would fight dragons for me or slay creatures in my name, but someone who would just want to hold on to me. All I needed was one phone call from him. Thats all I needed, I'd have dropped everything and gone back. But the first sign of contact came a month later. A whole month. Can you blame me for having the thoughts that I had?

Commitment apparently is his problem. He's afraid to commit. I've never asked for anything from him. All I need is a line from time to time to know that he thinks of me. He misses me. Something. I don't really need someone by my side at all times. I'm perfectly fine being by myself and at times thats actually how I prefer it. He might not have thought of anything before getting close to me but I certainly did. I knew of the risks and the distance and everything. Maybe the timing wasn't right. I needed him at that point. And maybe I needed him too much. I was dealing with a lot at the time and I had isolated myself from pretty much everyone and everything except him because I thought he would understand and accept me nonetheless. In essence, I suppose I trusted him with myself. I thought he would never judge me, that he would still find it in him to accept who I am, I guess I thought wrong.

This experience has been painful to the core. Sometimes, I sit and wonder if anyone would really accept me for me. If anyone would find it in them to like (love is too strong a word I think) me for who I am. With all these experiences placed in front of me, I can't help but feel like a failure. I've wronged my conscience by doing things I'd never have allowed (by my standards, the general public would scorn that I'm even considering this a standard, but in my books its a big step!) myself. There hasn't been an instance where I haven't beaten myself up over this. I do regret it somehow but in some ways I don't too. I can't explain how I felt, as I was between terrified and hopeful and I had mixes of tiny bouts of excitement as well as anxiety all laced with shyness (yes, yes, a person can feel all that in one go without exploding) On my part it was a choice. My conscience would call it a bad one, my heart would beg to differ. It was an extremely hard choice but I made it. Regrets? Yes and no. I regret the circumstance, but place me in that same position, I wouldn't change a thing. The memories I have, haven't been tainted by the outcome of this, they remain as pure, sweet and tender as I shall remember and cherish.

I look back and sometimes I wonder if I was a better person would he have tried? But fact is, I'm not. Maybe all the "cynics" as I had called them were right. There are no such things as fairy tales. There isn't the perfect guy. Its all a matter of knowing whats important and sacrificing the rest of our desires. In other words, settle. Just choose one and make the best of it. Honestly, I can't even imagine doing the suggested. Quite frankly, I'm at a crossroad, do I go by fantasy or reality? Reality is tangible, its real but its surely less than perfect. Fantasy will keep my hopes up as it will keep my dreams alive but whether or not it manifests or materializes is a whole other question. Only time can tell the path I'm about to choose.... For at this juncture, I certainly can't....
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Monday, September 14, 2009

Tears Of Mine

Monday, September 14, 2009 Posted by Dee
Everything lies scattered around,
Some lost and never found,
So much has gone,
Nothing I've won,
You walk your own way,
Never will you know all that I have wanted to say,
Say all you want,
But take away my pain you simply can't,
Mistakes happen,
But they left my wounds raw and open,
You take one glance and flee,
If only you turn around you will see,
That I'm still standing,
Waiting.

Standing all alone,
I thought without you I'd grown,
I felt stronger,
And I would have lasted longer.

Why did you come back?
I used to cry one the day turned black,
Now I cry when its bright or dark,
To you my heart was nothing more than a lark,
Where do I go when I can't see,
What do I do when my heart isn't free,
You're the reason for my tears at night,
You're the reason I shudder in fright,
I think of you and I'm afraid to feel,
I'm afraid to heal...

Broken inside is all I am,
Never will I know, damned,
Lost it will remain,
My tears, my nights, frights, my pain...

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Loneliness, my best friend

Monday, September 14, 2009 Posted by Dee
Loneliness seems to be a solid companion in my life. Well, maybe not so much loneliness but this sinking aching feeling that you're just not complete. Like something's missing. Sometimes it feels as if you've forgotten something and other times it feels like you're trying to forget something. I'm trying to forget something but these few days have been extremely hard. Added with the fact that I'm PMSing... I just feel... lonely. An emptiness inside that at one point was slowly filling itself out but now seems to have grown so deep that its gnawing away at my defense wall. The wall that I built to protect myself once. Tears just seem so overrated these days. I'm too tired out of crying my eyes out. I just don't have it in me anymore.

Distraction barely work as I see myself constantly reflecting back without realizing. I'm associating everything all over again. I'm driving myself insane. I thought blogging about it would help. Apparently it doesn't. So I'm going to stop.
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Sunday, September 13, 2009

PMS Shite!

Sunday, September 13, 2009 Posted by Dee
Lots of times I have to sit and ponder about what it is I want to talk about. This isn't one of those times. A lot has been going on... Too much perhaps. Though not everything is bad, I just feel like I need a breather. My mind feels bogged down and my heart feels heavy. I can't get my feet on the go and my spirits seem to wane. Why? I have no idea. .... Okay, I lied. I have an idea. But its not something that I'm particularly proud of. I'm tired of being me. I'm in a damn rut. (You may very well take this to be one of those PMS rantings of mine) I'm fearful, anxious, hurt and most of the times irked.

My tiresome mood swings are leaving me absolutely drained of emotional energy. I feel happy at one second and completely livid the next. WHATS BLOODY HELL WRONG WITH ME?! Jeez... I so need to get a life!
Ok, starting NOW! NO MORE RANTING!!!! Lol... SMILEY!!!






And juz for the fun of it I wanted to add this little one... coz i thought the color was pretty! :)

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Saturday, September 12, 2009

Fears That Keep Me Awake...

Saturday, September 12, 2009 Posted by Dee
Its been 5 months plus since Dad has been out of the hospital. A blessing like no other that was. The memories of that place however, were no such thing. I can still smell the pungent whiff of Death just lurking in the corner, waiting to jump out at you at any given time. That whole ward seemed like Death's Den and there would be no other place that could make me feel gloom like that place did. Just being there made me wonder if I could ever come out of there alive.

Yesterday, another one of Dad's friends, or rather his room companion, passed away. He was 23 years old. I knew close to nothing of him except that he was young and had thought he had a bright future awaiting him. Never did he accept nor did he want to accept that he would not see pass his 23rd year. I cried last night. I cried for someone I barely knew. I cried because I did not see how anyone should have had their future snatched from them the way he did. I did not see how he should be robbed of the chance to spend more time with his family and his love. I just could not see. I cannot see. What hurt more than expected was that, I could not do anything either. I felt powerless. I want to help and yet I stand without the ability to.

I'd be lying if I said thats it. What scares me more is the fact that they seem to be picked up one after the other. And the more I think of it, the more I scare myself senseless wondering if my father may be next. There hasn't been a moment that I haven't wondered what I would do without him. I am a daddy's girl. Though I'm not as close to my parents as I'd like to be, I just would not and will not accept a life without either of them. I can't help wishing that I'd had done better by them. If only I had been a better daughter or a better person... But if I say those things, then would it be more of a reason for him to leave? I shudder at the mere thought. I remember crying myself to sleep during one of those gruelling nights. I felt that I had brought that illness upon my father. I still do. If only he had never worried so much about my future. If only he needn't worry to provide for us so much. If only he needn't worry so much about the need to protect and care for us so much. So many ifs... So many tears and worries and cries.

I would have gladly taken it myself. I mean, I have asked God if he could spare my dad and take me instead. I'd gladly go. My family needs my father. My mother does and my brother. My mother could never live without him and my brother needs him to live on. I would be the most expendable. Why couldn't I be the one to go? If I had to, I would.

Sometimes I have this fear that, I really could go at any given time. I might have to give up everything I had dreamt of having. What would I do then? My dreams, my fantasies, my wishes....everything. It scares me. It scares me a lot. But if it means that my family can have my dad back, i'd give it all up in a heart beat. I don't believe that I am worth more than anyone. I mostly exist in the shadows, pleasing everyone and not really standing on my own grounds for my own needs. The world could do with less of me, but my family wouldn't without my father.

20 years or 2 or even a day, I know it will come. I just don't know if I could leave without a goodbye. A chance to say goodbye. I hope that I will have that chance. I pray....
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Monday, September 07, 2009

The Beginning of Fall

Monday, September 07, 2009 Posted by Dee
Thus begins a new semester... As much as I wish I could say that life was a merry stroll in the park, I can't exactly put it in those exact words. I sit in my room of 21 years and stare at its bright cheery green walls hoping that it would take me a couple of minutes to absorb its mood. I'm trying. Still trying. *Peek, is it working? *Aaauuummm.... Nope. Nothing. Ah well.

Utterly disappointed in myself for being so LAZY!! I can't believe I failed to keep my resolve! But hey, what else is new right? Stinky called me a tiresome exercise freak which I have to admit has kinda been the entire focus of my pitiful existence. But allow me to clarify and illustrate why I have been gym absorbed recently. Firstly, with Shyam akka's wedding coming up, I know for a fact that I need to lose more than a few pounds. Especially when my MOTHER is gonna be designing the saree blouse and everything, I KNOW for a fact that there will be MINIMAL fabric involved (something I detest!) and there's no effing way I'm gonna be dressed like that when I'm unsure of myself. Another point would be a more, well, vindictive one rather. SOMEBODY will be attending the wedding too. Or rather, I think so. And if SOMEBODY is, then I'm hoping that I look good enough to atleast show that I'm better off and I'm keeping well and fine without SOMEBODY'S presence! Two VERY strong motivating factors.

Adie is being a total dumper at this point. Not returning calls, not smsing, nothing. So I'm not gonna bother from now on. Its a little irksome (okay, I'm very irked...sheesh...so much for underplaying) as I feel sidelined. But more frustrating is that I feel she doesn't really care. Stinky is always tired these days as she has to accompany Ugly to and fro work and doing all this whilst juggling classes. Poor Stinky. Poor Ugly too as I think she's being exploited by her no good employers with her measly wage and ridiculous job scope. [Everybody go buy batik at 1World Hotel by the 21st, after that, DON"T EVEN GO NEAR THAT PLACE] I'm totally evil! I know! *wink!

I'm stressing out about leaving next year. My plans aren't as smooth sailing as I'd hoped they'd be. There are a few glitches I'm experiencing. Thankfully, one of them I've resolved today and I'm praying that all the folds are smoothened out soon. *Twitching nervously....

Right now, I'm feeling a little drained.... But seeing that semester has indeed started, I'm pretty sure that this will not be the last entry for an extended time... Or honestly, I'm hoping to god that I have more willpower than this! Pathetic!!
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