Story of my life I once used to think. Whenever things got tough, rough and edgy, I simply went. Never looking back I went. Fuelled by anger, shame, a drive like no other, I went without looking back. Was I wrong? Have I gone forth so much that I can’t look back without cringing? Drowning myself with work has always worked. Never really having the time on my hands has left me with a sense of security as I suffocated myself with something I had labelled “productive” Never had I once thought that they sacrifices I made would one day show up at my doorstep demanding an explanation. Had I grown up way too fast? Had I thrown away my youth for the sake of seeking approval? What was it I wanted so badly out of this painstaking way of life?
Don’t get me wrong, I have never once held my decisions or my choices in the light of regret. But these questions that have accompanied my moments of loneliness now seem to greet my mind when preoccupation has filtered through. Who am I? What is my purpose in life? I’ve never had a truly meaningful existence have I? If I were to suddenly disappear, would anyone truly miss me? As in not just my presence, but me, the person that I am. What am I or have I offered others in terms of a friendship? Sometimes I feel so undeserving of all the kindness and the love that seem to blanket me with such easing comfort. What have I done to deserve the grace and beauty that simply seems to fall at my feet? I have wonderful parents, beautiful family members and adoring friends. What have I done to earn all of them? Do I even deserve them? Self-doubt, anxiety and questions plague my every inch of sanity.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by everything that goes around me. There are times when I just feel like throwing everything away and disappearing forever. A thought that carves a smile across my face is I remember a friend once saying, “One day you may go to sleep forever” If only. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not suicidal or anything. But I just wish that I could take everything away for just one day. The pain. The thoughts. The memories. The bitterness. The ache that simply never seems to fade away. It’s exhausting having to pretend being strong all the time. To seem like whenever times got tough, others could turn to me to get everyone and everything going. For once, I just want to be the one who’s taken care of. For a little while, I just want to be able to shift all the responsibilities that cripple to someone else for just a little while. My shoulders ache from the heave that I’ve been lugging around and even for a split second, I wish I could just relieve myself of some stress. But somehow, I’ve never been able to move this load.
For me, when the tough got going, my whole life followed suit.
Every time I look at the window,
Sight greets me with life, with sorrow,
The sun that shines leaves me with a question,
If its shine will forever be in my possession,
Will the warmth I feel ever fade,
Will its glow one day evade,
Will I ever be alone,
Are these the seeds of life and love I’ve sown,
I look out at the gay and merry garden,
Of colour, vibrance and vigour the land is laden,
Smiles dawn at its mere sight,
It sends your heart and joy soaring to new heights,
With that joy a notion dawns,
Will these smiles one day be replaced by frowns,
Will the joy in my heart ever last,
Or will they fade with the colours of the blooms into the gray past……
The birds soar, gliding through the heavenly clouds,
The white carpet blanketing them like smooth shrouds,
The comfort, warmth and security,
The feeling of being unguarded, free,
Will it ever be mine,
This feeling will I ever find,
A question I now not the answer to,
A question that’s not anew….

Saturday, September 25, 2010
The Feel of Life
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Another Adventure To Remember
Monday, September 06, 2010
Ahead and Before....
Monday, June 21, 2010
When the Going Gets Tough
Story of my life I once used to think. Whenever things got tough, rough and edgy, I simply went. Never looking back I went. Fuelled by anger, shame, a drive like no other, I went without looking back. Was I wrong? Have I gone forth so much that I can’t look back without cringing? Drowning myself with work has always worked. Never really having the time on my hands has left me with a sense of security as I suffocated myself with something I had labelled “productive” Never had I once thought that they sacrifices I made would one day show up at my doorstep demanding an explanation. Had I grown up way too fast? Had I thrown away my youth for the sake of seeking approval? What was it I wanted so badly out of this painstaking way of life?
Don’t get me wrong, I have never once held my decisions or my choices in the light of regret. But these questions that have accompanied my moments of loneliness now seem to greet my mind when preoccupation has filtered through. Who am I? What is my purpose in life? I’ve never had a truly meaningful existence have I? If I were to suddenly disappear, would anyone truly miss me? As in not just my presence, but me, the person that I am. What am I or have I offered others in terms of a friendship? Sometimes I feel so undeserving of all the kindness and the love that seem to blanket me with such easing comfort. What have I done to deserve the grace and beauty that simply seems to fall at my feet? I have wonderful parents, beautiful family members and adoring friends. What have I done to earn all of them? Do I even deserve them? Self-doubt, anxiety and questions plague my every inch of sanity.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by everything that goes around me. There are times when I just feel like throwing everything away and disappearing forever. A thought that carves a smile across my face is I remember a friend once saying, “One day you may go to sleep forever” If only. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not suicidal or anything. But I just wish that I could take everything away for just one day. The pain. The thoughts. The memories. The bitterness. The ache that simply never seems to fade away. It’s exhausting having to pretend being strong all the time. To seem like whenever times got tough, others could turn to me to get everyone and everything going. For once, I just want to be the one who’s taken care of. For a little while, I just want to be able to shift all the responsibilities that cripple to someone else for just a little while. My shoulders ache from the heave that I’ve been lugging around and even for a split second, I wish I could just relieve myself of some stress. But somehow, I’ve never been able to move this load.
For me, when the tough got going, my whole life followed suit.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
A Glance Out A Window
Every time I look at the window,
Sight greets me with life, with sorrow,
The sun that shines leaves me with a question,
If its shine will forever be in my possession,
Will the warmth I feel ever fade,
Will its glow one day evade,
Will I ever be alone,
Are these the seeds of life and love I’ve sown,
I look out at the gay and merry garden,
Of colour, vibrance and vigour the land is laden,
Smiles dawn at its mere sight,
It sends your heart and joy soaring to new heights,
With that joy a notion dawns,
Will these smiles one day be replaced by frowns,
Will the joy in my heart ever last,
Or will they fade with the colours of the blooms into the gray past……
The birds soar, gliding through the heavenly clouds,
The white carpet blanketing them like smooth shrouds,
The comfort, warmth and security,
The feeling of being unguarded, free,
Will it ever be mine,
This feeling will I ever find,
A question I now not the answer to,
A question that’s not anew….
Monday, June 14, 2010
Of Questions and Quandaries
Sunday, June 06, 2010
Nonsense of Mine

