Me, Myself and Insanity

“When times get tough the tough get going”

Story of my life I once used to think. Whenever things got tough, rough and edgy, I simply went. Never looking back I went. Fuelled by anger, shame, a drive like no other, I went without looking back. Was I wrong? Have I gone forth so much that I can’t look back without cringing? Drowning myself with work has always worked. Never really having the time on my hands has left me with a sense of security as I suffocated myself with something I had labelled “productive” Never had I once thought that they sacrifices I made would one day show up at my doorstep demanding an explanation. Had I grown up way too fast? Had I thrown away my youth for the sake of seeking approval? What was it I wanted so badly out of this painstaking way of life?

Don’t get me wrong, I have never once held my decisions or my choices in the light of regret. But these questions that have accompanied my moments of loneliness now seem to greet my mind when preoccupation has filtered through. Who am I? What is my purpose in life? I’ve never had a truly meaningful existence have I? If I were to suddenly disappear, would anyone truly miss me? As in not just my presence, but me, the person that I am. What am I or have I offered others in terms of a friendship? Sometimes I feel so undeserving of all the kindness and the love that seem to blanket me with such easing comfort. What have I done to deserve the grace and beauty that simply seems to fall at my feet? I have wonderful parents, beautiful family members and adoring friends. What have I done to earn all of them? Do I even deserve them? Self-doubt, anxiety and questions plague my every inch of sanity.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by everything that goes around me. There are times when I just feel like throwing everything away and disappearing forever. A thought that carves a smile across my face is I remember a friend once saying, “One day you may go to sleep forever” If only. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not suicidal or anything. But I just wish that I could take everything away for just one day. The pain. The thoughts. The memories. The bitterness. The ache that simply never seems to fade away. It’s exhausting having to pretend being strong all the time. To seem like whenever times got tough, others could turn to me to get everyone and everything going. For once, I just want to be the one who’s taken care of. For a little while, I just want to be able to shift all the responsibilities that cripple to someone else for just a little while. My shoulders ache from the heave that I’ve been lugging around and even for a split second, I wish I could just relieve myself of some stress. But somehow, I’ve never been able to move this load.

For me, when the tough got going, my whole life followed suit.

Why do we make the choices we do? What governs our actions? How do we choose to sacrifice one aspect of our lives in favor of another? How can we be so blinded to so many voices around us in favor for something that does nothing but purely gratifies our desires?

Someone once told me, you wouldn’t understand love as you’ve never actually been in a real relationship before. As much as that stung, I have to admit it’s true. My relationships have never really been full-fledged neither have they been in the actual sense of the word REAL. May be I’m prone to self-sabotage potential relationships, maybe I’m hesitant of emotional (and for all you snickering idiots out there, physical as well) intimacy or maybe I’m simply way to picky for my own good. Whatever the reason may be behind my choices, the fact of the matter is, I haven’t really experienced romantic love like some people have. And reaching a far crying age of 22, it seems rather pathetic. But the one matter that bothered me is that, how could anyone deny me the right at claiming that though I had not experienced the emotion, that I would not understand it? I do realize that an emotion has to be thoroughly felt in order to achieve the extent of what it entails, but to say that I had no inkling of what it was in entirety was rather ignorant, or so my ego would perceive.

So from a completely naïve and inexperienced perspective, I drew out what I thought love truly is. To me to love someone is to put them ahead of you. To find it deep within the realms of your heart to make decisions that would be for the better of them and not in motion with your own desires. Love should motivate, appreciate and generate a positive growth and not deteriorate or stagnate a person’s growth. Pain is inevitable in love but that pain should never be a deterrence but it should help enforce a person to deal with the harsh realities of life. It should be there in moments of sorrow and fragments of joy. The one emotion to draw strength from and the one emotion to share insecurities with. Love should give you a world’s worth of confidence and yet be your guiding force in keeping you grounded. It is the emotion that sets equilibrium in life and propels that need for happiness and a drive to succeed not for the means of gratifying your ego but for the simplest means of seeing a smile on your better half’s face.

Love aims to make you a better person. It aims to lift you to new heights. Love never detracts nor does it ever retract. I may not know in entirety what love is all about from a romantic perspective but I do know what love feels like and I know that the love I’ve shared and experienced through life has thought me these very tiny yet significant lessons. The love I’ve had for my parents have seen sacrifices but never to an extent that would diminish the person I am. The love I’ve shared with my friends has motivated me in doing better in life. The laughter, joy and tears we’ve shared simply adds to the fact that our lives are intertwined with great complexity but none too complex to know that we want the best for each other. We push each other up that step ladder and would never hesitate in crawling back down a step to help boost one of us up. Sacrifice and love do tend to go hand in hand. But to what extent would love accept sacrifice as an accompaniment? If life was to be taken for granted and all that was to be gained out of love was pain and misery, then that would be a far cry from love itself. To throw away life as a mere excuse of loving someone is not sacrifice, its stupidity.

Never besmirch love with lust and never associate sacrifice with the vain attempts at securing your lustful urges. That is by far the greatest insult that anyone could ever bestow upon the name of love. Love isn’t simply an emotion shared by two people that leave all reason and logic at the door. Love is also shared between a father and a daughter, a brother and a sister and its shared by friends alike. So never turn your back on all that love that’s already surrounded in claims that you’re doing so for love. For the truth lies within you as much as others can see it too, that what’s in your heart was definitely not love but in essence, lust.

Its been a rather quiet one month.... The days seem to be creeping by as I exist simply in oblivion... Sliding through the background day after day, life seems to be nothing more than a routine and my moods seem to be monotonous and glum. Not exactly the wonderful experience I was hoping for truthfully... But I do suppose things could be a lot worse... This low, mellow existence had been painting a rather grey cloud over my head for weeks now as I sunk into a stupor that I was secretly desperate to relieve myself of. I longed for a nod in my direction... A familiar face... A kind word... A smile...

The world is an evil place. A line I've heard time and time again and a line that doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon. Being my "mentor" of sorts, Stinky has been trying very hard indeed to change my ways in trying to see that the world is a dangerous place and that caution should be an integral part of my everyday practice to no avail. Or maybe I have "learnt" a little and I'm slightly "better" now than I used to be, but I still do "give money to every bloody beggar in sight" as she'd put it (when she's not looking of course- she smacks hard) I'm said to be ignorant and selective as to what I prefer noticing and perceiving around me, which I think I should refrain from disputing, not to avoid stirring a controversy but because its true. I'm aware of the heinous crimes that take place every other day. The murders, robberies, rapes, violence...no, I'm not that ignorant. So the question would be, with all these things happening around me, how is it that I can be SO blind as to believe that the world is a good place?

Being a Malaysian has not always made me swell with pride but this is one instance where I cowered in shame. I know for a fact that this is old news to many but I as I was seething with anger over the whole incidence I opted to wait before I made my stand and thoughts clear on the matter. Also, I was curious to see what the authorities would do about the matter before I started spouting venom. Well, they did something but it was as close to nothing as something could get. First things first. The video is crucial.



This is the demonstration that took place in front of the Secretariat Building in Selangor. The protest was about a temple being relocated to Section 23 which is a predominantly Malay infested area. My question is this, in what manner is the construction of a Hindu temple in a Malay area a desecration to Islam? How is it an act of disrespect to the Muslims staying there? If there were solid points of objections such as the location would cause traffic congestions and such, fine, thats acceptable. But this is sheer nonsense. This demonstration has been a blatant attack and apparent disregard for the religion and rights of the minorities. Which religion tolerates disrespect towards another religion? I have read the Qu'ran (the translated version of course) and Islam is very much a peace-loving religion. The protestors here have not only defied the very teachings of their religion but they have brought shame to it. They have allowed their egos to get the better of them in the name of religion. Apart from anger, what I feel for these people is pity. Pity that their shallow-mindedness and sheer stupidity has not only affected them but has also brought disgrace to the very religion they wanted "protect". Maybe its time the Moral lessons in schools be made mandatory for the Muslims too. It seems like they need it as much as the non-Muslims.

I'm blogging again!! Yaayyy me!!! Though I'm not as constant as I should be... LOL! But its a start nonetheless! I have A TON of news to share!!! Wow!!! I'm super excited! Well... first things first! My dreaded confrontation, is OVER!!! God, I can't believe the pressure I've put myself through and all those nights of sobbing myself to sleep thinking I would never get answers and drawing up the worst possible conclusions of what might have happened. Well, I'm not gonna lie and say that everything is simply peachy at the moment. I mean, I did expect something more to be honest. Frankly, I am disappointed. I mean, the reasons presented was of course, the ever present, work. But apart from that, I found nothing as concrete as I expected, or rather, hoped. The part that I suppose made me wince the most was the fact that I realized, there never was any attempt made. I mean, I shied away. That was a known fact but sadly, I realized, I wasn't worth the effort of comforting. I moved away and he simply let me slide by. I had reasons as to why I moved away and I believe they are very viable ones, ones that he is now aware of. But, apparently, it still doesn't move him in any way. I honestly, can't help but feel a little let down (okay, fine! For the sake of honesty! I feel let down A LOT! OKAY! HAPPY?!)

I just finished watching Michael Jackson's memorial service and it was beautiful. This is my blog and one promise I made to myself was that no matter what the consequence, when I choose to write something, I will do so honestly and completely. I will not lie even if it means putting out some of my most private thoughts or this blog won't at all be representative of me. It would be fake or diminished in a large sense. A confession. A small one but a confession none the less. I never really saw myself as a Michael Jackson fan till the last week or so. Its always easier to turn a blind eye at what you have and you never really feel the presence it has on our life till we find it slipping away from us. I found this out the hard way. At first when I heard the news that Michael Jackson had passed away I was simply shocked and that was it. It was just shock, a suprise. I didn't feel overwhelmed or grieved or anything. Just suprised that he had suffered a cardiac arrest so close to the date of his said "greatest performance of his career".

I know a lot of people are hyping over the Farah Fawcett and Michael Jackson demise... I'm not going to deny that I'm not really all bummed out over it but I am kind of suprised at how people are taking the news. Usually when someone passes on, people mourn his/her loss and rave about how wonderful the person truly was(forget the fact that these people were probably the person's biggest detractors of all!) but in the case of Michael Jackson, a lot of people seemed nonchalant, devastated or seemingly glad( which I have to say takes evil to a whole new level-he died people! A lot show of respect here!)

Its actually erm, 6:47 am says my clock... I've once again had a restless night of sleep which has left me more tired than I was before my sleep. I need to get rid of this problem. I took a personality quiz earlier as it was an actual psychological personality quiz not like the thousands of fun quizzes I've taken on facebook and stuff. One question there still seems to linger on my mind. "Are most of your problems internal or external" This question sort of baffled me. I mean, of course my problems are external but I guess I tend to internalize them in a negative manner which of course is rather unhealthy in the long run. Frankly speaking, I think my internal locus of control runs way too deep for my own good. Though I tend to verbalize external variables and factors as the obstacles in my everyday life, I do tend to internalize the problem and in solitude, I tend to overwork these thoughts. I exhaust myself wondering how I could be different and if I was different would it matter. How could I be different and who would be happier by it. Then of course this tends to bring about the notion, if that is the case, aren't people happy with me now?

Many have said, to my face no less, that I am the worst kind of people pleaser. I tend to look outwardly towards everyone's needs and never at my own. Its not really a selfless issue as I seek pleasure in other's happiness. I often wonder, isn't it possible to be happy on my own accord? Do I really need to see another person smile for me to share their joy? I know there are many kind hearts that do take joy in seeing me happy for my own reasons but sometimes I feel that these joys are simply...inadequate.

The funky way my mind works or the ridiculous manner in which it processes information and emotions befuddles me just as much as the next person. I'm a horoscope junkie and my daily activity is to read a bunch of them, choose the best one and live by that for the day. In a way it helps boost my will but I know for a good reason that this is another of those unhealthy practises I need to be rid off. All in good time I suppose. (Straying off point here) Well basically, being a horoscope junkie, I do realize that my sign, Pisces, is one of great sensitivity. Being me, I suppose its pertinent to say that all that I've read about the sign is mostly true. In regards to myself of course. I spend so much time dreaming about the what-ifs and what-coulds, that I find myself hardly satisfied with the right-nows.

Expectations have never been an imposition that was healthy for me. Of course I do inspire to change this and with it my take on life as a whole. Always stopping to smell the roses, I am greatly appreciative of everything I am and have at this juncture in life. I just wonder if its enough. God has been kind to a large extent. In fact, my faith has never been as unwavering as it now is. I learnt from a great person, a person that I admire to the depths of my heart that to have faith, is to put aside the how and the why and believe. To question, is to doubt. How can there be room for faith in a mind full of doubt? I have to start believing. Believing in myself, in life and God. I know that although life may be hard for me because of me, I will never be forsaken. Faith will carry me through and hopefully, one day, the faith in myself will too.

Wow, a new year has arrived! Sadly, I haven't been able to live up to my word in ensuring a continual posting chronicling my journey through the marshes of life. But then again, I'm sweating bullets trying to live up to the demanding and high octaned life that I have so blindly signed myself up for. Make no mistake, I am a highly charged and quite satisfied individual, but once in a while, I can't help but wish that I had atleast a little time to catch a breather. But well, when you love something, it's no longer seen as a chore but a time of merriment. And this is one such instant!

Okay! Enough rambling! Now the main reason why I have felt more than compelled (we're moving along the lines of obligated here) to pen down my latest escapade is because apart from seeing the intrinsic motivation I have attained from this particular trip, I also managed to accomplish one of my desired goals. In fact, to be quite honest, I have had dreams that seem pretty unreasonable as there was no plausible way to achieve some of these desires. Have I put you in a state of imbroglio? Well, I have dreams such as having 50 children, I want to hold phDs, masters and degrees in fields such as psychology, law, journalism, broadcasting, public relations, human rights and the list just keeps growing! So you see what I mean when I say I tend to dream unpractically. But hey, what can I do, the heart seeks what it wants, right? So now, another such dream that I have long harbored within the deepest nooks of my heart is to have a big family. In terms of having elder brothers and sisters. Being the eldest in my family with only a younger brother as a companion, I have long yearned to have an older figure to look up to. Instead of being the protector, I dreamed of being the protected. To some this may sound more than ridiculous but for some who have experienced my plight, you know what I mean.

Well, needless to say, I got my wish! Yay! Bewildered?? Well, let's take a small journey down MY memory lane (for some inexplicable reason, I love that phrase!) It all began with me hesitating to go for my cousin's wedding in Singapore. Firstly, I was going to miss the first day of college, something I was very reluctant to do. Secondly, I was going to stay in an aunt's house. An aunt that I have never met and never known and on top of that I was informed that she had 3 SONS! Oh god! As if living with one demon wasn't enough, now I had to walk into a house where there were 3 guys I had no inkling about! Self-check, forget reluctant, I was convinced I didn't want to go. All through the week I had nightmares and "daymares", as my friends fondly call my pessimistic dawn induced reveries. But my parents insisted and they stood their ground, and for the first time ever (heehee, behold the youthful angst- rule no.1 of youth rebellion- never let your parents know they were right or they will never let you forget you were wrong! hehe) I have to say that I'm glad they did.

Singapore was a blast! It was memorable for many reasons. It was the first time I wore a saree and it was also my first church wedding. Apart from that, it was also the first trip I was taking with my adorable baby cousin who just turned three! But most significantly to me, it is my most cherished memory because I gained a new family. The people that I was dreading to meet had become the embodiment of security and love all molded into one. My aunty was a darling. She was ever ready to lend a hand, kind, thoughful and simply remarkable as a mother. Proof of the later came in the form of 3 wonderful sons. Though I only had the privilege of meeting 2 of them, it was suffice. My eldest cousin (Navin) was endearing and thoroughly comical and compassionate. He had a wonderful sense of humor and was undoubtedly funny. He made us feel completely at home. My second cousin (Darshan) is more quiet and humble. He is thoughtful, sincere and very benign. He was slightly refined but had a heart worth its weight in gold. To be honest, I met my second first and found him a little scary. I thought he was strict and a rather no-nonsense sort of individual. This shook me as I immediately began concocting ways to escape to another household with thoughts such as "If he's the middle child and he's that strict, oh god, I don't wanna meet the eldest!" (I swear, this is the literal thought that ran through my mind practically the whole night!

Now it seems rather ridiculous as they both were nothing of the sort. In fact, circumstances and the entire trip proved quite the contrary.

If you think that miracles ends here, your sorrowfully mistaken. Further along the trip I was blessed with three other gems. My three other younger cousins (Brindha, Tharshini and Haresh). Always wanting sisters to be part of my life, I was more than ready to bond with them. I had jitters and butterflies zooming and doing cartwheels in my stomach during the wedding as I was not sure how they would react to seeing me. I had known Haresh and Brindha as I had stayed with them whilst on holiday years and years back! Gosh! It seems like it was ages ago! Oh wait, it was! It was a good 7 or 8 years back. We lost touch and I was really afraid that they may not remember or not be too keen in meeting up again. Boy, was I gladly mistaken. It was wonderful meeting the two munchkins again (though Brindha has become so gorgeous and Haresh so dashing!) Brindha then went on to introduce me to another cousin I had never met, Tharshini who was such a darling.

The essence of this entry was not only a narration into the trip I took and the wonderful miracles and joy it had introduced but it was also discovery and a dream that I had once doomed was resuscitated and revived in the most breathtaking manner. I had found happiness in their midst. I have had more friends than family members and I have been closer to strangers than some of my family which is quite a travesty I'm sure, but take my word that this sticky wicket is not at all by favor. There have been many instances were sorrow has overcome my senses as I desperately try to figure out what has pushed my family to the brink of separation but my efforts almost always turn up fruitless. I suppose the disappointment created a chasm within my soul. Over the years the ridge widened and it sprout more questions and curiosity all laced with grief and tinged with forlonness. Never could I fathom what could be so dreadful that it would conspire a family to deny their offsprings a chance at feeling and understanding the pulchritude of love. How could they defy the laws of humanity and tear apart the origins of what was embedded within them?

I struggled with some of these questions and still am. Nonetheless, this journey has provided me with something that has laid my heart at rest. No, not the answers to my question but a visage of what having a big family would look like. I was gifted with the sentience of brethren love. The love that I had sought so gravely was now standing epitomized by the very individuals that I was so hesitant to meet. I guess I was averse because I had internalized the fear that I might not be accepted. A thought had fleeted across my mind at some point, if my own family was not willing to accept me, why should others? I had of course dismissed this thought as ludicrous but the crux of this notion welded itself inwardly.

This trip bore something more than new relationships. For me, it bore hope. I felt reborn. My hopes revitalized, I found strength to go on believing. These wonderful individuals personified the very virtues of what a family is. From the depths of my heart, I would say that God had blessed me with a family. And this family bore a new me. With their presence they brought along hope. A hope that simply spelt that if two estranged families can unite as one, why can't one family that has become estranged unify?

The love and care I had experienced here is not done justice with the words that I have used to impart this venerated chapter of my existence for love is indescribable. It is immeasurable. It can only be lived and treasured. And I have felt the love of my family. At last, I can say, I am home.....

Wow!! It has been an awful long time since I’ve written anything!! I can almost here a few people scream at me “About time!!!” So sorry guys, I’ve been swamped! But here’s a thought I reflected upon recently and thought was worth killing some time and brain cells over!
Ever been surrounded by people yet felt painfully alone? Ever felt a million eyeballs on you yet you seem to sink into the background? Baffled? Or simply perplexed?? No, I’m not out of my mind. Sometimes loneliness just seems to creep out from the darkest corners of our heart, corners we had buried deep within our souls afraid of what it may reveal and at the same time unprepared to wage an emotional war with our own fates and most painfully ourselves. How do we conquer our deepest fears? How do we vanquish our most painful cognitions? All the emotions boiled up inside us have been concocted by none other than ourselves. Tears spill without reason; hearts shatter without purpose yet the pain of these devastations are the same in any other situation. Are these pains void of reason? Or have we simply pushed our fears and pains out of our conscious thought? I buried mine deep within myself, afraid to unearth it in any reason for the fear that if I do, I might find myself crumbling at its sheer abhorrence. The power it wields over me is, sad to say, paramount.

Yet, it was at one point that life itself took a jolting turn and circumstances were such that everything spiraled out of my control. I had no power to make decisions, view choices or even think in favor of anything. Living solely the life of a puppet, I came to realize that power is what we make of it. WE give power to what holds us. It’s the strength of our grip that enhances a thought, it is the impact of the touch we make that commissions authority and most importantly it is the emphasis we place that warrants our thoughts in the paths it is destined to tread. Persuasion it seemed worked. Well, at least to a certain extent.
Regretfully, life wasn’t a bed of roses or a stroll in the park. I was sadly misled with the notion that if we had a certain mind frame, life would paint a beautiful picture. Fate had a different idea; from being a non-assertive, take it a day at a time individual, cynicism and skepticism set afoot. A new person had emerged from the depths of the order. A person so different that even I had trouble understanding.
The new person had a new take on life and perspectives seem to differ in stark contrasts. The typical bubbly personality was erased to be replaced with a sordid, rigid and rather depressing person. I was in the pit of despair. The change so tragic that I felt I could not live with myself yet a suppressed fear that if I laughed I would have to repay that moment of joy with a shed tear tore at my conscience and there were moments were I was truly wrought with fear as I trembled to stifle a giggle. Naivety? On the contrary, it was perfectly rationale but unfortunately unpractical. Nightmares invaded the painstaking existence and sanity edged to the brink of defeat.
I had had enough. To hell with fate and its consequences. What power do I have over my life if I were to surrender my life to power itself? What life would I have if I were to let life itself run its course? How would I have a destiny if I believe destiny alone is a reason to live? A mind-blowing self-discovery propelled these various questions that I could not do more than I already had. I live, love and lead my life. My head, heart and soul is mine to cherish and I will let no higher power decide its betterment or otherwise. Such determination exuded from every part of me yet there was one question that kept egging a very disturbing notion to come forth to my consciousness. What of the loss of this control? What if I am indeed wrong? What if I can’t lead my own life? What if I can’t hold the power that I think is mine? One question?? Now there are millions!
I have to admit that till copious amounts of time have wedged itself between my current state and the time of my self rumination but for the first time (honestly speaking here) in my life I can admit that I am satisfied with how things have turned out. Truthfully, the tears still pour and those moments of loneliness comes to haunt me in my darkest hours and I do find myself curling up in corners at times but this just allows me to know that I’m still human. I still feel, hurt and I know that I may not acknowledge certain things and I tend to repress hurtful memories or emotions but I can safely look at myself in the mirror and say that I am Me. And thank God I am

Another year comes knocking on my door and before I know it, I have crossed over from the last year of my teen hood into the sultry life of being a young adult. Interesting notions begin penetrating my mind frame. Are there any changes that might occur in this transition? I should act more maturedly from now on as I will be expected quite a lot in terms of responsibility from now on. Such thought comes flooding through my mind and the responsibilities of growing up came shadowing through so fast that I lost track of the beauty of a birthday as it is.
Why do people celebrate birthdays in the first place? If we were reincarnated or as I tend to believe thrown down from the gates of eternal bliss into a world brimming with turmoil, loss and frustration, should such a sorrowful day even be celebrated? Sounds a little weird doesn’t it? Well, do pardon my morbidity at this point. Just that practicality, or rather how I view practicality tends to draw on from the questions of darkness. Well, coming back to the issue at hand.
My birthday was not an extravagant affair. In fact, it was no affair at all. I spent the whole day on a well-planned routine on how my average day would run like. Though to some it may sound depressing, I found that it wasn’t so to me. Birthdays aren’t always filled with streamers, balloons and a plump juicy chocolate cake with its glaze gleaming in the dim beam of a candle light that brings out the sparkle in everyone’s spirit (with that description, I do find it rather tempting to have it though). I grew a year older but what I saw that day was the moderation of how life is lived. The birthday was not undermined in fact I found that it was glorified by the simple wishes of my friends and family and these simple wishes that came from the bottom of their hearts meant the world to me compared to a big lavish party that most people would like to have. Don’t have me mistaken for someone who is introverted for I most certainly am not. Inexplicably, I found that I was calm and the day was filled with the simple pleasures of warm hugs and sweet smiles all around. The kind dulcet tones in my parents voice was particularly apparent today and I cherished the look of love in their eyes that spoke a million words.
The "party" or the happening part of the excitement was the jubilation was seen when my friends came bursting with joy and wishes. Their excitement exceeding my own, having thump my back with a cheerful wish and grins stretching from ear to ear. Although in no way did this particular day affect them in any manner but they found it in them to enjoy this day with all the enthusiasm all in the means of ensuring that I have the best birthday ever. Although some had gifts and others didnt, I didn’t look at the gifts at all, it was the mere act of them competing with each other, trying to be the first to wish me or trying to be the last person I receive a wish from before this beautifully fateful day comes to an end. Their joy was the party and the "livewires" of which electrified my day, or so to speak.
Gifts. No birthday is complete without gifts. Some came with small gifts, others came with extraordinary ones and facts be facts, most came with none. But these little material treasures were not what my heart received as the trophies of the day. The little whispers of "Happy Birthdays!", the over-flowing pile of messages from even I might add complete strangers (which I might add yet again that I have no idea how they got my number in the first place) and the calls made in the wee hours of the morning to wish me a good year around. What I see in this is the beautiful effort taken into keeping awake to actually wish me at the break of dawn. A gesture that till now brings tears to my eyes. These are the simple jewels that remain the shining gems of gifts that I had been blessed with on my birthday, not the trinkets, or the artfully presented, magnificent gifts. Though these are also welcome and appreciated as they too needed some form of effort in attaining and assembling.
So as you can see, my birthday was much more beautiful than a million dollar party. The day itself was a celebration in entirety to me. Being around my loved ones, with friends and family all finding the simplest yet most beautiful ways of showing their love and affection and making tiny yet considerably memorable attempts at livening up my day and keeping my best interests at heart. What more could I ask for? Many people mistakenly interpreted an absence of a birthday bash as me being a shy introverted type or that I was rather unappreciative of such a beautiful event. Some even dove to extreme ends by telling me that they thought I simply did not know how to live life as I was rigid and mechanical and did not know how to have fun. For those who know me well enough, they will clearly dispute this fact with sheer conviction. Well, I can understand the misconception but most people don’t see things in the same light as I do. To them a night-long party is the way into opening into a new year as it should be done with a blast and loads of fun. Some believe that how we celebrate the first day will reflect throughout the year and some believe that it is just another means of celebrating an occasion. For both reasons I chose to lead my day like every other day with these simple presence was because if every other normal day were to be embraced with the same love that I received and held close to heart that everyday would be a blessing from heaven to me. And if my birthday was to act like an "opening ceremony" to my whole year, I couldn’t have wanted it any differently as I found these simple, sincere and truthful gestures to be the best gifts I could have received compared to the wishes from invitees who were pre-informed of a bash and only knew it was my birthday as there was something in it for them. The way I chose brought me closer to the people that deserve a place in my heart and well simply saying, I chose sensitivity and tranquility over extravagance and uproar. That is what makes a birthday beautiful, the magic in how we perceive it and to me that magic revolves around this simple yet beautifully graceful presence of love and loved lives.

There are moments in life where I simply wish I could undo somethings or redo some of the times of my life. But specifically if I was granted one wish it would have been to be able to go back in time and tell myself to wait. Just wait. Have a little faith and patience and all good things will come my way. Don’t let fear and intimidation be the factor in my decision and don’t let the notion that I’m not good enough intervene to make things the quandary that has now manifested itself into. Things in life seem so complicated especially when it involves the matters of the heart. They somehow manage to entangle and enfrustrate my poor sound sense of judgment making my existence as miserable as can be. I have struggled and fought through a life wrought with misguided notions, misinterpreted responses and moreover, miscontrued preconceptions that have turned my tiny little world into a frenzy that I had least expectated. The one soul that I so longingly yearned for now seems utterly void in existence and the one person that I believed would provide me with the happiness that I so desperately yearned for has deserted me in times of despair. I remember those moments where I would like on the bed in a pool of tears virtually crying my eyes out for days and days. Those memories still jerk some strangulated fixation of emotions in the pit of my stomach till this very day. Telling myself very bravely that I have surpassed all the anxieties and the mishaps of my pass day after day after day, today I’ve decided that for one single day, I shall be honest to my feelings and to myself. I haven’t completely overcome my angst. If I had, I would not feel like crying everytime I recall those bitter incidents, I would not feel like my heart was ripped out of me everytime the notion that I had lost you for good comes to play in my mind, I would not feel like an outcast in my own body whenever I recall that you HAD liked me at one point of time but that time had faded with the passing of the clouds. Painful yet utterly and horrifyingly true to the bone. The chilling truth manages to slip through my skin and chill the very agony and pain, infusing it with each beat my heart makes and each breathe that my lungs inhale. Every piercing thought that surrounds you is a vast sea of devastation in my eyes and heart making me blind to life and numb to emotion. I am but a zombie.
But then again, if I am, how is it that I can appreciate? How is it that I have chosen to live instead of succumbing to despair and frustration? So many questions brew inside me like a churning storm waiting to unleash its wrath against all whom have wronged me. Why all this pain and suffering? Are these petty little insinuations worth this much frustration and fretting over? How is it that I manage to sneer in the faces of these notions and yet face adversity when it comes to facing these notions with me in the spotlight? Again and again, the deeper I delved the questions I unearthed rather than answers.
It was at this realization point that reality hit with a sickening thud. There was no getting out from this pit of everlasting despair. They only way around it was to confront it and to move on with life accepting the harsh impact of that each confrontation so sorely left. My insatiable thirst for answers and my hunger for solutions drove me to the brink of obsession. But as I hit this danger point, I found one factor that linked them all. Me. Everything seemed to revolve around me, myself and I.
There was not another notion or thought that surrounded anything else but the subject of me. I realized that I had hit an all time low point. Without realizing, I had become self obsessed and shamedly selfish. Why should I have all the answers? Aren’t the greatest mysteries in life beautiful because they are mysteries? I found the courage at that point to let go and leave with a heavy heart but a clear conscience. Answers will come in time and solutions will be derived from all our thoughts befitting our situation. All that we need to contribute would be the selfless act of being patient and allowing this process its natural course of time instead of banging down its door at every given moment. This I believe is one of the greatest lessons life has to offer.

"Fleeting thoughts that brush past like the wind awaken senses of sorrow from deep within".
These words define the nature of what I used to feel as life. Pain, turmoil and devastation was how I viewed life to be. Null of all the simple pleasures that childhood seemed ladden with; adolescence seemed to me like a barren land of asphyxiating guilt. Every turn seemed to depict a face of horror as if to mock and ridicule my thoughts, it was like stepping into a world of complexity armed with only an arms knowledge. Feeling foolish and petty, those with superiority championed and trampled upon those that differred and felt inferior with ease. I watched as the world that I held close to my hearty flew by like a notion in the winds.
It took me awhile to embrace this sullen truth but as the reality slowly sank in, my eyes and heart opened to another realm of possibilities. One that I had shut a long time ago, forbidding myself of any indulgence and any inquisition in its nature. Never being a good judge of character in terms of emotion, I allowed my petty enticements to seduce my practicality. Detrimental, I must say. It hurt me beyond believe and altered my apprehension of things in a great magnitude. I have to admit that like the saying, every cloud has its silver lining, so did this. I made a miraculous recovery but I discovered something more precious in the process.
Myself. For the first time in my life, I realized how fragile I was. I had protected and shielded myself from the reality of these issues that when it came knocking on my door, I was dumbfounded at understanding or even comprehending the basis of it. And all that this is, is simple basic human emotion and intuition. I embalmed myself with a naivety that had entombed me in an existence of denial. And it was during this grieving period that I realized that if I was ever going to regain myself and my self worth in any way it was if I free myself of this naivety and denial and start looking at life and its many obstacles with as much wisdom and courage as possible.
I begin looking at things from different perspectives. I re-evaluated my life and realized all the things that I have misconstrued all these times. Taking bonds and ties for granted I held myself in such high contempt that I had neglected the true gems in my life. This part of my life served not only as a reflection and a search for answers but also as a revelation and a discovery at the deep connections that I had possessed but never utilized to my or anyone else’s benefit. I had nearly outcasted a jewel that had shone from the depths of my soul so brightly without even me noticing. It was the beauty of the wrongdoing. It was the retribution that had opened my eyes to the insanely justified manner in how the situation had turned to manifest itself. I was astonished at how much I had discovered about myself.
I uncovered a part of sensuality that was awakened not from a physical basis but from an emotional and spiritual foundation that paved the way to an intellectual formation. I was overwhelmed but nevertheless, grateful to the ends of my soul. That is why whenever anyone asks me what is the greatest gift that life has to offer, my answer most immediately is, the chance to live itself. The ability to endure the harrowing possiblities, turmoils and emotional frustrations at the same time look back and smile at all those past obstacles that now seem so distant and minute is the wonderful gift that life offers, a chance to live.

Another Valentines has come to pass but of all the changes that time brings in its undue course, one thing ironically never changes, the single status on this event. Now, although it isn’t all that great (as the whole world has come to universally acknowledge) I have to say that I don’t quite agree that it is all that "painful" to be single on this particular day. I mean apart from the natural heavy blow to the ego (especially if you’re one accustomed to living life on the fast lane, so to speak) this is one blow that really knocks the wind out of you. But one thing I have grown to understand about Valentines Day is the nature of the celebration itself. Its a honest and beautiful occasion that thrives on the survival of love all around.
As this is my blog, I see no reason to fib my way through the harshest particles of life. I was a little downcasted as the host of enquiries were showered in every direction indicating moreover that I was all alone. I mean, it was like wearing a singles tag pasted on my forehead. Pretty disturbing emotions and notions were running through my mind at one point as I even contemplated the possibility to subjecting myself to a blind date. Yes, its true!! But the second such a thought flashed across my mind I found my emotional (and logical to some extent) quotient, gripping me by the shoulders and shaking the common sense out of me! What was I even thinking?! To even have such a thought would indicate some sense of insecurity and for all the principles that I stood by would be shattered in the blink of an eye.
A tiny sob formulated within me and tried to edge its way out. Having no inkling how, I suppressed it and stared back up at the vacant ceiling pondering upon my forlorn fate. Its not that I have to be single, then why am I? Somehow I knew the answers were pretty much self explanatory but hearing them voiced out was in a way soothing. Sanity and comfort came back to enclothe my senses with a sense of compassion.
One word pretty much summed up all that I dearly needed to know that day. Family. I don’t just mean family that surround us everyday with their presence but the family that we hold close to heart (including our dearest friends). When we despair they stroke our pained hearts, when we fear they soothe us with tranquility, when we cry they brush away our tears and when we hurt they hurt just by watching us. Now these beautiful people that share so much of our pain deserve more than their worth to enjoy the joy and happiness that we do as well.
The minute this reasoning came knocking on my door, I realized how foolish I was to be even in the least upset by the notion of being alone. I never was, have or am alone as long as I have them with me and their simple memories and love is enough to carry me through a million Valentines, wedding gatherings, celebrated love or couples parties all my life for I don’t need a man to make me feel whole, I am whole, with the very beings that have made me who I am. I am strong with them, by them and for them for they are me. My very essence and soul. They are my family. Happy Valentines, my beautiful family, u guys, love ya loadz!!!

It sure has been a while since I last blogged. Well, it sure has been an excruciatingly exhausting month and I definately can’t wait for a break (even for a day) to come along. Life sure has taken a melodramatic toll and the days are filled with mundane, routined schedules making my nerves fry till they sizzle. I have been thinking a lot of all the changes that have been occuring and well, this little self-analysis (thank you personality psychology class) has provided me with a rather disturbing discovery. I HAVE changed. Its not that I am being negative about the changes that have occured or anything, but well, having always sworn that I will never again allow anyone or anything to change my judgment or personality for that matter, I am one individual who seems to have taken the 180 in life. I mean, I have friends who ask me, who are you?
Being the wacky, nonchalant, happy-go-lucky individual, life has never been anything but icing on the cake. Or so people think. My life is quite the contrary, though I will have to admit, that I have been rather carefree and not really responsible before, I have one thing in my defence, how do you become mature if you’re never at all immature? I had to go from point A to point B. Besides, being the oldest in the family, I rarely got any childhood that tickled my memory, always having to set a good example, always having to be the perfect child, always having to live up to expectations and others’ dreams. I suppose I spent the first 12 years of my life pleasing all those around me apart from myself. Then came in the adolescent rebellion that really shook the foundations of my household, so to speak.
I suppose always being shunted to one side because I rarely needed much caring for, being the quiet and reserved kind, I suppose my rebellion was more a cry for attention than anything else. But after a hell of a teenage and a year of college life (which was a hell of an eye opener by the way) I settled down to a more subtle and responsible as well as mature lifestyle at the moment. I won’t say that it is at all relaxed as it is quite the contrary, but I would say, this lifestyle I lead now, as mundane and banal as it may seem to the common folk that stroll my college grounds, it remains a life that enables me to sleep with a guilt-free conscience every night. This is something I truly pride upon as not many individuals can claim to possess such a distinct blessing. Having experienced life on both sides I suppose I see the bigger and better picture now.
I have absolutely no regrets about my past and I wouldn’t change even the slightest detail (now u know this is a petty lie at this point, but heck who doesn’t tell white lies for self-comfort?) in it. I cherish every moment that went by and I appraise every bit of it. For I wouldn’t be who I am and I wouldn’t be what I am today if it weren’t for this distinct history of mine. But now moving to the unchartered waters of my depressing existence (excuse the drama, its been a LONG week) I have finally found myself sunken into a stupor of a droid-like existence. Living on a tight schedule (yes, tight, I’m down to the minute precise) as my travelling hours are pretty hefty, plus assignments and tasks are bound to my shoulders like boulders, life does take its toll on the zestful part of our passion. It may seem that I have lost the essence that truly made me, me. But of course I haven’t.
I spend countless times repeating myself to concerned friends and old acquaintances that I have not changed at all. I still possess the same mischief, annoying and also fun nature that once so prominently shone from my mere presence. I still have all those innate qualities within me, only I have chosen to embed them a teensy bit further into my heart to allow a new kind of trait to surface for a while. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not schizophrenic or anything, but I’m just trying out different aspects of my life and trying to accomadate all that comes forth with the best possible approach and characteristical criteria that I possess.
I have learnt numerous lessons within the 19 years of my life. I’m not talking of critical skills or anything. Just basic emotional skills. Understanding, empathizing, sympathizing, distinguishing, embracing and realizing. Well, to be honest the list can go on and on and on, but lets not drone on that for too long. The point here is that what ever that life has thrown my way has not changed me but helped mould me.It has refined my character and helped me recognize those embedded factors of myself that I never knew existed. Most importantly, it helped me discover a part of me that simply amazes me, for I never knew I had neither the audacity nor the courage to seek. I am strong. Yes, after all that I have been through (which is not really my fault to shoulder here, and no I’m not living in denial) I have managed to get up and clamber up the mountain of success once again. I’m not at the peak yet but I sure am reaching. It has not been an easy journey, tears, cries, loss and well, heart-wrenching moments, all come and gone but one thing remains with me from start till end, my memories. They never fade, die or leave. They remind us of what we are now and they allow us to keep ourselves at out toes. They show us what we’ve lost and they inspire us to fight to reclaim our deserving tributes and for this I would have to say, memories are truly our greatest gift…..