Showing posts with label Latte-fied Theatrics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Latte-fied Theatrics. Show all posts
For All That's Gone
Dee
The gentle breeze caresses her face,
But no comfort cushions this fall from grace,
Warm comfort that has turned to embers of despair,
Vanished is her love, happiness and care,
A blemish that has turned into a scar,
True happiness is but a distant memory, a memory afar,
The breeze rustles the leaves the speak of a suffering that no eye sees,
The flowers hear the muted pleas,
A storm has ripped Eden apart,
Where does a soul turn to, without a heart,
Limp, lost, blind and destitute of emotion,
The only source of inspiration and comfort, exists in desertion,
The leaves tremble in the light of day,
She quivers when light is at bay,
The darkness brings solitude that reflects her future,
The chill of the night reminds her of past torture,
Tears trickle down the familiar cheeks,
Leaving invisibly permanent streaks,
The pain that sears from tip till depth,
Of staring straight into the destruction of death,
And realizing He's stolen your past, broken your present and buried your future,
What happened to the perfect portrait, that everlasting picture,
Its ripped beyond repair,
Darkness embraces her with perfect cold destruction, mocking her anguished prayer,
Hands that clapped her back have imprinted her skin,
Discarded by friends and family akin,
Whispers of the devil urge her to ease her pain,
'Your heart broken, existense forsaken, hopes slain'
What more could life offer you but more lavish disappointments and richness in dejection,
So much anxiety, so much desolation, so much rejection,
Could he perhaps be right, she wondered,
Her mind drifted,
Fate tempting her soul with reunions that spoke of hope and love she so desperately sought,
Sanity and conscience fought,
But beckoned in behind the veil of darkness was a glimmer of love and compassion,
In her moment of desperation,
She reached out for the familiar warm embrace that had unflinchingly secured her for years,
She wanted to touch the hand that had valiantly wiped her fears,
The face that had spelled love through every glimpse and glance,
Memories of joy flooded her heart, laughter, music, dance,
All that they had shared together,
Her love eternal, her memories forever,
Her face wet and salty she lowered her arm,
How could she kill the hope that had filled that heart, how could she cause it harm,
Her heart yearned to be comforted by that familiarity,
But her mind told her, she had obligations, a family,
Her skin burned to feel the warmth that had given strength,
To look into eyes that spoke of love in unmeasurable depth and length,
Bleak as everything seemed, she had to hold on for the single hope that her love had perished for,
She was not blessed yet to walk through that door,
Her heart, skin, eyes and soul may yearn for love,
But she knew that if he was watching from above,
He would live her pain, he would feel every morsel of anguish, he would sense every laceration,
No, she couldn't, her desires cannot match her devotion,
She had built a future with him in her heart,
And even if fate has ripped her apart,
He will exist within her,
He will remain near,
He will fill her lungs, run through her veins and beat with her heart,
He was her start,
And even death will not do them part.





I didn't have the strength all this time to write. I still can't say more than what's written above as I've pretty much obliterated all the emotional will I had left. So the proper written aspect will have to wait I suppose.

Nonetheless, I will always have the strength to say, I love you papa. Deeply, truly and endlessly.
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Gone So Long
Dee
Shadows climb through the doors of dusk,
The damp, wet musk,
Tear stained pillows,
The cold sting breeze drifting through the weeping willows,
Holding onto the cold blanket,
My heart I wish you left uncut,

You're so far away,
You've gone your own way,
So far away,
You chose not to stay,
You've gone for so long,
Where do I belong,
I'm still waiting,
I'm still hurting

It trickles down my fingers,
The pain it reflects and lingers,
Smeared across my cheek,
I'm cold, wet, dry, bleak,
Left unbroken,
When all is forsaken,


You're so far away,
You've gone your own way,
So far away,
You chose not to stay,
I'm lost and lonely,
Set me free,
I'm still waiting,
I'm burning

Moist drops fill my ankles,
The skin on my finger wrinkles,
My hair cling to my neck,
The last wreck,
Water fills me, blanketing, soothing, comforting,
The cold piercing my skin,
Each sting brings you back to me,
How can this be,

You're so far away,
You've gone your own way,
So far away,
You chose not to stay,
Why would you,
Love you is all I could do,
I'm still waiting,
I'm dying

It burns from the inside,
Nowhere to hide,
I can't breathe,
Enveloping me in a sheathe,
Darkness dawns,
Endlessness fawns,
It ends never,
You live forever

I'm still waiting,
Its never ending....
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Runaway
Dee
My hopes lay ashen,
My dreams scattered, broken,
I would run away,
I would pray,
I would cry,
I would die,

But nothing brings you back,
Nothing turns my heart white from black,
How do I stop falling in love with you,
How would you,

I would run away,
I would find another day,
I would cry,
I would die,

Who would pick these pieces,
Who would wait till this pain ceases,
Its torn, its broke, its gone,
Its over, its finished, its done.

Where would I turn,
When my heart burns,
The tears flow,
The pain grows,

Where do I run,
I'm broken,
Where do I fly,
As I die,
On the inside,
How do I hide,
The pain of this love,
A curse blessed from above,
My end,
Its godsend.......
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The Feel of Life
Dee
Tiny, frail fingers reached out into the air,
Pale and wrinkly, they were bare,
Love and warmth enveloped them,
Blanketed by cotton and lace right to the hem....

Grew they did and reach out,
Touching and feeling the world about,
The soft tender strokes of mum's lips,
The rough graze of dads cheeks and his playful nips....

Colour and noise they grew into,
Grab at toys they did but only at a few,
Pictures and images they loved to feel,
Pages of wonder was what sealed the deal....

More did these hands grow to touch,
The wonders life provided were such,
Hand in hand the tiny fingers twirled,
Of laughter, tiny giggles and claps did they swirl....

To hold a pencil came the first task,
A new role to play, a new mask,
The weight of expectation begins to form,
Guidance came, all sweet and warm.

The grip on the pencil grew stronger,
The pressures with it grew harder,
Sweat and toil began to fester,
Of strength and courage these delicate strands muster....

To caress and hold they now knew,
But only for a few,
Those that they wished to show love and affection,
An undying dedication of love and passion....

Hitting hard at boards with letters,
As the icons move in tiny patters,
The smooth surface that these nimble tips brush,
A stark contrast to the weathered palms that were once lush....

Grown and weathered these bright brown feelers may be,
But the world they have seen,
Today they wonder of the touch they first knew,
The feel of emptiness, the darkness in dews...

They claw into the abyss,
Searching, groping, grieving....
Holding on to the single strand of hope,
That the treasure that lay beyond will help them cope,
With the hardness and roughness that life has set,
They search for the familiar warmth they once had....
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Ahead and Before....
Dee
Fingers grazing my dreams,
Pain brushing my screams,
I look in the mirror and wonder,
What comes after,
The meaning of the shadow that falls behind,
The terrors of the night in your arms I find,
The embrace of that turned vice,
The laugh that turned to cries,
Stony grey ice staring back,
The day that turns black,
Of warmth comes chill,
A stroll on a journey uphill,

Leaves that fall,
Build a brick wall,
A dam that holds within,
The reservoir of bitter sin,
Time trickles down my cheek,
The light my eyes seek,
As my fingers grip the empty air,
The face of a blank stare.....

What lies behind is told,
What lay ahead waiting to unfold,
The lips whisper,
The heart and mind suffer,
The lights dim as the curtain unfurls,
As colour swirls,

A visage of miracles,
A life of debacles,
As the last tear trickles,
And the face wrinkles....

The last never ends,
The circle never bends....
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A Glance Out A Window
Dee

Every time I look at the window,

Sight greets me with life, with sorrow,

The sun that shines leaves me with a question,

If its shine will forever be in my possession,

Will the warmth I feel ever fade,

Will its glow one day evade,

Will I ever be alone,

Are these the seeds of life and love I’ve sown,

I look out at the gay and merry garden,

Of colour, vibrance and vigour the land is laden,

Smiles dawn at its mere sight,

It sends your heart and joy soaring to new heights,

With that joy a notion dawns,

Will these smiles one day be replaced by frowns,

Will the joy in my heart ever last,

Or will they fade with the colours of the blooms into the gray past……

The birds soar, gliding through the heavenly clouds,

The white carpet blanketing them like smooth shrouds,

The comfort, warmth and security,

The feeling of being unguarded, free,

Will it ever be mine,

This feeling will I ever find,

A question I now not the answer to,

A question that’s not anew….

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Of Questions and Quandaries
Dee
The rooms around speak of silence,
My heart speaks of penitence,
The wrongs I've led through out this existence,
The long harrowing distance,
What is right by my heart,
Where is that line from which I wish to depart,
Emptiness surrounds like a wave of fury,
A future that burned bright now seems blurry,
The heart cowering in fright of what lay therein,
Of questions unanswered and undiscovered terrain,
Who is this person staring back through that smooth surface,
Who is that person that yearns to live a life of grace,
Why does she tremble from the inside,
Why does she speak with joy and exuberance in attempts to hide,
All that clouds her mind and soul,
Of what may possibly greet her ahead; foretold,
Why does a tear streak down her face in times of strength,
Why does she find ache in moments at length,
Why does her hand grasp at nothingness,
Of a mind of quandary and sheer sadness,
Where does she turn, where will she search,
A life of triumph thats now left in a lurch,
Who is she, she wonders now,
She needs to discover herself, but how,
In moments of trials and tribulations,
Where will she seek comfort and guidance,
In moments of anguish and sorrow,
When will she let those tears free flow,
Strength is what shes defined as,
The one to turn to when climbing those lofty stairs,
Hold you and guide you she will,
Even at rest she's never still,
But from whom shall she seek guidance,
Where will she turn to for assistance,
A shoulder to cry on,
A spirit that will has left and gone,
Only hope remains and its essence fading,
A will and spirit that remains degrading.....
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Pengembaraan Terakhir
Dee

Mataku menatap wajahmu yang menatang kesedihan,

Setiap patah perkataanmu mencurahkan kepiluan dengan perlahan,

Matamu yang memerah dengan keinginan, fikiran dan perasaan,

Adakah hatimu tenang dengan kepuasan?

Wajahmu membayangkan ciri rasa hatimu,

Kata yang dituturi penuh emosi dilitupi ilmu,

Keperitan hati yang dipelajari,

Dari kehidupan sehari demi sehari,

Nadamu yang penuh kerinduan,

Kehidupan dipenuhi perhitungan,

Jikalau hidup ini senang difahami,

Jikalau perjalanan ini boleh secukupnya diselami,

Bayangkan dirimu tanpa halangan dan pertandingan,

Hidupmu sempurna, tanpa tandingan,

Tapi itukah namanya kehidupan?

Bebas dari keperitan, diselimuti perlindungan,

Hati gemalai yang senang dilukai ini,

Tidak pernah diguris sebegini,

Kegelapan malam membawa teman memori yang memeraskan hati,

Sebahagian hidup yang amat sukar ditelani,

Hati dan sanubari yang bergelora,

Jiwa yang kini membara,

Mengambil langkah tersebut dengan hati yang dipenuhi keazaman,

Dari mula hingga ke akhir hayat kau akan diteman,

Dengan hatimu tersendiri,

Ukirkanlah hati yang berseri,

Di mana jua kau berada,

Gunakanlah hatimu sebagai persada...

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Grateful...
Dee
I miss saturday morning breakfasts with dad,
I miss the laughs and quirks over the teas we shared,
I miss mom telling me to quit eating chillies
I miss the way she loved buying trinkets that were cute and frilly, (not that i'd wear them)
I miss fighting with my brother,
We had a love hate relationship like no other,
I miss wrapping my arms around my sweet little baby,
I miss her as much as she misses me,
I miss running errands for my grandfather,
I truly hope he's feeling better,
I miss talking to dad about everything,
I miss the way kakak loves to sing,
I miss the way she'd always make me fish when she cooks mutton,
I love the way she squeals every time she finds a missing button,
I miss arguing with dad which plant would look better at the front porch,
I miss hearing my brother getting a earful every time dad has to look for the torch,
I miss cuddling up to dad on weekend afternoons as we watch tv,
I miss seeing mom's eyes grow huge at every saree she sees, (apparently her monstrous collection will be mine someday, APPARENTLY, we'll see)
I miss mom telling me to wear things that I deem inappropriate,
And I miss her staring at me as if I was being weird,
I miss my bed, my home and my family,
One of the many joys I can't wait to see.....


I miss running to Jill's place for the Sim's,
Its been ages it seems,
I miss Guling shushing us quiet,
I loved living on my own planet,
I miss Adie's prodding fingers,
I miss the way our gaze lingers,
I miss taking hour long lunch breaks and forgoing the rest of class,
I miss Guling inspecting every inch of her glass,
I miss Adie winding up asleep on my shoulder every time a lecture drags,
I miss Jilly's witty gags,
I miss our Mango Mania trips,
And our San Fran coffee sips,
I miss how they make fun of my ignorance,
And take it upon themselves to vividly explain things to me with great "patience"

Life truly does have its ups and downs,
Its smiles and frowns,
But with such beautiful memories within you,
How can you feel your life isn't true,
With such love and cherish,
I don't think I have a remaining wish,
Except that these joys remain with me till my very last moment,
For my life as blessed as it has been, has also been truly pleasant....
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To You
Dee
To the one who always calls me at the oddest times,
Thank you...

To the one that always laughs at me scrubbing hard at gunk and grimes,
Thank you too....

To the one who squishes me so hard with a hug,
I miss you....

To the one who I call a total slug,
Its true....

To the one whose shoulders I always cry upon,
You're a friend thats true....

To the one I laugh with from dusk till dawn,
I miss you too....

To the one that I laugh at,
I still do...

To the one I yell at,
You make me want to....

To the one I love unconditionally,
You're one of the few...

To the one that always turns to me to bully,
Screw you!

To the one that does it only to tease,
Not you....

To the one I love to please,
You better find someone new....

To the one I pledge my heart to...
Damn I wish I knew you!
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Blue Monday
Dee
I know its a clichè but I suppose I have been caught up with the Monday Blues... There are so many things that I want to do, so many things I want to say... But for some reason, I simply can't bring myself to doing any of them or saying them out loud. Its as though there's a wedge buried inside me that I can't choke out. I imagined all sorts of adventures, meeting all sorts of people and discovering all sorts of places. To be frank, though I didn't want to leave home, I was a little excited at the prospect of being somewhere different for a change. I was scared, I won't lie, but I still had a tiny inkling in me that felt I could possibly like my new home in a strange, foreign land. Today, I think to myself, where is that sense of excitement? What happened to the jolt of adrenaline I used to feel when I thought of this place? Were my expectations too high? Had I upstaged my adventure all in my mind? Ironically, staying with family has never made me feel more estranged than I feel now... I've seen and experienced my fair share of dysfunctional families but this one seems to have an affect on me like no other. Perhaps its the notion that I feel my arrival here is far from welcomed. I feel like I've imposed... I have never been one to receive charity...And I mean be it by anyone, I find it almost difficult to seek help unless I'm absolutely comfortable with a person. I don't know if its pride, but I do know that I am unwilling to allow myself to seem vulnerable to anyone. To trust someone I'm not tremendously close to with the fact that I'm susceptible is not a thought that I'm willing to even consider. I wouldn't say its pride but a sense of fear. Fear that I may be scorned upon. Fear that I may not be able to live up to the expectations that surround me. Fear that I may very well be a disappointment to all.

Sitting here without company or my usual hectic schedule to distract me, I'm faced with all the pent up worries that had been bubbling inside unnoticed all this while. I drowned myself with work and company because I was afraid to deal with these issues and now that I have nothing to keep my mind occupied, I can't help but submerge myself in this cauldron of brewing poison. At first I thought that it would be healthy to deal with these issues. It would be a way of understanding myself and that it was finally time for me to resolve these problems. But the deeper and deeper I dig, the more frightened I become. I'm frightened of what I might uncover. I'm afraid of what I might unearth. Am I really the person that I seem to be? Or is there a whole pile of crap stewing on the inside? Frankly, I don't know if I can deal with it on my own.

I've had amazing friends all my life. And one of the most daunting trepidations I faced before coming here would be making and meeting the same kind of friends that I was leaving behind. At first I brushed my quandaries aside, attributing them to my known neuroticism and paranoia, but its been a whole month and I've never felt lonelier in my life. Despite the fact that I'm living with family makes me feel worse that I could feel so lonely. Confined to a house that I barely recognize as it feels hollow, empty and cold makes me want to curl up in bed and not wake up. I just feel so lost and alone. Every morning I wake up with a thought or rather, a hope that today would be different. Today I would discover that I belonged here... That I felt at peace... only to end the day counting the days till I would return home. Its so difficult waking up some times and wondering where I am.... Wondering where is this place..... Wondering what I'm doing here....The only reason I'm here in this empty nest is for the one I left.... They have such big dreams and hopes for me... Such wonderful expectations that I can't help but find it hurting my shoulders as I carry it day and night... Will I ever be good enough to fulfill their wishes? All the pain and hurt inside is nothing compared to the one I would face if I let them down... Nothing would break my heart more than to see my family saddened by worst of all, me. I just wished things weren't so hard. I just wish I felt a little sense of familiarity... A feeling of belonging...
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A Garden Of Nothingness
Dee
An empty garden,
A heavy burden,
Where will it end,
This heart where shall I send,
Tears speak of pain,
And yet they spill in vain,
A fist clenched so tight it draws blood,
As the tears come pouring down like an endless flood,
The walls built from within come crashing down,
As a she comes crumbling to the ground....

Looking at the sky,
She finds a will to try,
To live,
To give,
A heart full of love,
Yearning soar free like a dove,
But lost in her own shadows she weeps,
Her yearns, her desires, with her.... sleeps,

Looking over her shoulder she sees nothing,
Having lost her heart, she's lost everything,
The songs of the birds taunt her,
The beautiful roses glint at her with a sneer,
The beauty robbed,
Broken, she sobs....

Where does she find a will,
Where will she find a reason to care still,
Where does she look for a hand to hold on to,
What will she do,
Burnt, broken and torn,
A soul never more forlorn,
Looks to the heavens one last time,
As she hears the bells chime....




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The End at Forever
Dee
I won't apologize,
I won't wait for you to realize,
That I'll love you forever,
And ever....

I won't hold a grudge,
But I won't budge,
I will love you forever,
And ever....

Don't tell me to move on,
Don't bother telling me you're gone,
I will love you forever,
And ever....

Don't tell me you're sorry,
Don't tell me not to worry,
I will love you forever,
And ever....

I won't forgive you,
I won't understand what you had to do,
I will love you forever,
And ever....

I won't cry myself to sleep at nights,
I won't let my hopes reach new heights,
I will love you forever,
And ever....

I won't live in your memory,
I don't need you to tell I'm free,
I will love you forever,
And ever....

And yet I wonder,
Will you see or never,
All that is lost and gained,
All that cherished and stained,
For an eternity speaks of life,
A life filled with joy or strife?

I will love you forever,
And ever,
And die shall I never....

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Falls of Crepuscule
Dee
Whispers erupt from the bristles of the leaves,
Sunlight slowly bereaves,
As darkness crawls limb by limb,
Sight grows dim,
Cold etching its way in,
The silent din,
Flickering in darkness,
Hope in finding the chill of a furnace,
Has life turned blind,
Of pain and fate has life entwined....

A veil of clarity,
That would bind eternally,
Sweeping by with utmost intricacy,
A touch of sheer delicacy,
A gloss of reflection,
Of pain and passion,
Woven with silken desire,
Embedded with an upheld fire,
The sear of such frailty,
Burning through infinity.

The moist of tears,
As tangible as the chill of fears,
Streets lay bare,
A thought with nothing to share,
An emptiness that burns,
Fate so firmly spurns,
A single drop,
A heart that finally does stop,
The drop that floods the world,
As the waves unfurl,
The shatter of that single blink,
That let a life's worth of hope sink,

As nothingness unravels from a world within,
A world void of pain, of sin...

A world of hope and of dreams,
A world where passion flows through nimble streams,
A world of where the heart dwells,
A world without hells....
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Showing posts with label Latte-fied Theatrics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Latte-fied Theatrics. Show all posts

Monday, November 07, 2011

For All That's Gone

Monday, November 07, 2011 Posted by Dee
The gentle breeze caresses her face,
But no comfort cushions this fall from grace,
Warm comfort that has turned to embers of despair,
Vanished is her love, happiness and care,
A blemish that has turned into a scar,
True happiness is but a distant memory, a memory afar,
The breeze rustles the leaves the speak of a suffering that no eye sees,
The flowers hear the muted pleas,
A storm has ripped Eden apart,
Where does a soul turn to, without a heart,
Limp, lost, blind and destitute of emotion,
The only source of inspiration and comfort, exists in desertion,
The leaves tremble in the light of day,
She quivers when light is at bay,
The darkness brings solitude that reflects her future,
The chill of the night reminds her of past torture,
Tears trickle down the familiar cheeks,
Leaving invisibly permanent streaks,
The pain that sears from tip till depth,
Of staring straight into the destruction of death,
And realizing He's stolen your past, broken your present and buried your future,
What happened to the perfect portrait, that everlasting picture,
Its ripped beyond repair,
Darkness embraces her with perfect cold destruction, mocking her anguished prayer,
Hands that clapped her back have imprinted her skin,
Discarded by friends and family akin,
Whispers of the devil urge her to ease her pain,
'Your heart broken, existense forsaken, hopes slain'
What more could life offer you but more lavish disappointments and richness in dejection,
So much anxiety, so much desolation, so much rejection,
Could he perhaps be right, she wondered,
Her mind drifted,
Fate tempting her soul with reunions that spoke of hope and love she so desperately sought,
Sanity and conscience fought,
But beckoned in behind the veil of darkness was a glimmer of love and compassion,
In her moment of desperation,
She reached out for the familiar warm embrace that had unflinchingly secured her for years,
She wanted to touch the hand that had valiantly wiped her fears,
The face that had spelled love through every glimpse and glance,
Memories of joy flooded her heart, laughter, music, dance,
All that they had shared together,
Her love eternal, her memories forever,
Her face wet and salty she lowered her arm,
How could she kill the hope that had filled that heart, how could she cause it harm,
Her heart yearned to be comforted by that familiarity,
But her mind told her, she had obligations, a family,
Her skin burned to feel the warmth that had given strength,
To look into eyes that spoke of love in unmeasurable depth and length,
Bleak as everything seemed, she had to hold on for the single hope that her love had perished for,
She was not blessed yet to walk through that door,
Her heart, skin, eyes and soul may yearn for love,
But she knew that if he was watching from above,
He would live her pain, he would feel every morsel of anguish, he would sense every laceration,
No, she couldn't, her desires cannot match her devotion,
She had built a future with him in her heart,
And even if fate has ripped her apart,
He will exist within her,
He will remain near,
He will fill her lungs, run through her veins and beat with her heart,
He was her start,
And even death will not do them part.





I didn't have the strength all this time to write. I still can't say more than what's written above as I've pretty much obliterated all the emotional will I had left. So the proper written aspect will have to wait I suppose.

Nonetheless, I will always have the strength to say, I love you papa. Deeply, truly and endlessly.
1 comments Labels:

Monday, May 30, 2011

Gone So Long

Monday, May 30, 2011 Posted by Dee
Shadows climb through the doors of dusk,
The damp, wet musk,
Tear stained pillows,
The cold sting breeze drifting through the weeping willows,
Holding onto the cold blanket,
My heart I wish you left uncut,

You're so far away,
You've gone your own way,
So far away,
You chose not to stay,
You've gone for so long,
Where do I belong,
I'm still waiting,
I'm still hurting

It trickles down my fingers,
The pain it reflects and lingers,
Smeared across my cheek,
I'm cold, wet, dry, bleak,
Left unbroken,
When all is forsaken,


You're so far away,
You've gone your own way,
So far away,
You chose not to stay,
I'm lost and lonely,
Set me free,
I'm still waiting,
I'm burning

Moist drops fill my ankles,
The skin on my finger wrinkles,
My hair cling to my neck,
The last wreck,
Water fills me, blanketing, soothing, comforting,
The cold piercing my skin,
Each sting brings you back to me,
How can this be,

You're so far away,
You've gone your own way,
So far away,
You chose not to stay,
Why would you,
Love you is all I could do,
I'm still waiting,
I'm dying

It burns from the inside,
Nowhere to hide,
I can't breathe,
Enveloping me in a sheathe,
Darkness dawns,
Endlessness fawns,
It ends never,
You live forever

I'm still waiting,
Its never ending....
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Thursday, April 28, 2011

Runaway

Thursday, April 28, 2011 Posted by Dee
My hopes lay ashen,
My dreams scattered, broken,
I would run away,
I would pray,
I would cry,
I would die,

But nothing brings you back,
Nothing turns my heart white from black,
How do I stop falling in love with you,
How would you,

I would run away,
I would find another day,
I would cry,
I would die,

Who would pick these pieces,
Who would wait till this pain ceases,
Its torn, its broke, its gone,
Its over, its finished, its done.

Where would I turn,
When my heart burns,
The tears flow,
The pain grows,

Where do I run,
I'm broken,
Where do I fly,
As I die,
On the inside,
How do I hide,
The pain of this love,
A curse blessed from above,
My end,
Its godsend.......
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Saturday, September 25, 2010

The Feel of Life

Saturday, September 25, 2010 Posted by Dee
Tiny, frail fingers reached out into the air,
Pale and wrinkly, they were bare,
Love and warmth enveloped them,
Blanketed by cotton and lace right to the hem....

Grew they did and reach out,
Touching and feeling the world about,
The soft tender strokes of mum's lips,
The rough graze of dads cheeks and his playful nips....

Colour and noise they grew into,
Grab at toys they did but only at a few,
Pictures and images they loved to feel,
Pages of wonder was what sealed the deal....

More did these hands grow to touch,
The wonders life provided were such,
Hand in hand the tiny fingers twirled,
Of laughter, tiny giggles and claps did they swirl....

To hold a pencil came the first task,
A new role to play, a new mask,
The weight of expectation begins to form,
Guidance came, all sweet and warm.

The grip on the pencil grew stronger,
The pressures with it grew harder,
Sweat and toil began to fester,
Of strength and courage these delicate strands muster....

To caress and hold they now knew,
But only for a few,
Those that they wished to show love and affection,
An undying dedication of love and passion....

Hitting hard at boards with letters,
As the icons move in tiny patters,
The smooth surface that these nimble tips brush,
A stark contrast to the weathered palms that were once lush....

Grown and weathered these bright brown feelers may be,
But the world they have seen,
Today they wonder of the touch they first knew,
The feel of emptiness, the darkness in dews...

They claw into the abyss,
Searching, groping, grieving....
Holding on to the single strand of hope,
That the treasure that lay beyond will help them cope,
With the hardness and roughness that life has set,
They search for the familiar warmth they once had....
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Monday, September 06, 2010

Ahead and Before....

Monday, September 06, 2010 Posted by Dee
Fingers grazing my dreams,
Pain brushing my screams,
I look in the mirror and wonder,
What comes after,
The meaning of the shadow that falls behind,
The terrors of the night in your arms I find,
The embrace of that turned vice,
The laugh that turned to cries,
Stony grey ice staring back,
The day that turns black,
Of warmth comes chill,
A stroll on a journey uphill,

Leaves that fall,
Build a brick wall,
A dam that holds within,
The reservoir of bitter sin,
Time trickles down my cheek,
The light my eyes seek,
As my fingers grip the empty air,
The face of a blank stare.....

What lies behind is told,
What lay ahead waiting to unfold,
The lips whisper,
The heart and mind suffer,
The lights dim as the curtain unfurls,
As colour swirls,

A visage of miracles,
A life of debacles,
As the last tear trickles,
And the face wrinkles....

The last never ends,
The circle never bends....
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Sunday, June 20, 2010

A Glance Out A Window

Sunday, June 20, 2010 Posted by Dee

Every time I look at the window,

Sight greets me with life, with sorrow,

The sun that shines leaves me with a question,

If its shine will forever be in my possession,

Will the warmth I feel ever fade,

Will its glow one day evade,

Will I ever be alone,

Are these the seeds of life and love I’ve sown,

I look out at the gay and merry garden,

Of colour, vibrance and vigour the land is laden,

Smiles dawn at its mere sight,

It sends your heart and joy soaring to new heights,

With that joy a notion dawns,

Will these smiles one day be replaced by frowns,

Will the joy in my heart ever last,

Or will they fade with the colours of the blooms into the gray past……

The birds soar, gliding through the heavenly clouds,

The white carpet blanketing them like smooth shrouds,

The comfort, warmth and security,

The feeling of being unguarded, free,

Will it ever be mine,

This feeling will I ever find,

A question I now not the answer to,

A question that’s not anew….

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Monday, June 14, 2010

Of Questions and Quandaries

Monday, June 14, 2010 Posted by Dee
The rooms around speak of silence,
My heart speaks of penitence,
The wrongs I've led through out this existence,
The long harrowing distance,
What is right by my heart,
Where is that line from which I wish to depart,
Emptiness surrounds like a wave of fury,
A future that burned bright now seems blurry,
The heart cowering in fright of what lay therein,
Of questions unanswered and undiscovered terrain,
Who is this person staring back through that smooth surface,
Who is that person that yearns to live a life of grace,
Why does she tremble from the inside,
Why does she speak with joy and exuberance in attempts to hide,
All that clouds her mind and soul,
Of what may possibly greet her ahead; foretold,
Why does a tear streak down her face in times of strength,
Why does she find ache in moments at length,
Why does her hand grasp at nothingness,
Of a mind of quandary and sheer sadness,
Where does she turn, where will she search,
A life of triumph thats now left in a lurch,
Who is she, she wonders now,
She needs to discover herself, but how,
In moments of trials and tribulations,
Where will she seek comfort and guidance,
In moments of anguish and sorrow,
When will she let those tears free flow,
Strength is what shes defined as,
The one to turn to when climbing those lofty stairs,
Hold you and guide you she will,
Even at rest she's never still,
But from whom shall she seek guidance,
Where will she turn to for assistance,
A shoulder to cry on,
A spirit that will has left and gone,
Only hope remains and its essence fading,
A will and spirit that remains degrading.....
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Sunday, June 06, 2010

Pengembaraan Terakhir

Sunday, June 06, 2010 Posted by Dee

Mataku menatap wajahmu yang menatang kesedihan,

Setiap patah perkataanmu mencurahkan kepiluan dengan perlahan,

Matamu yang memerah dengan keinginan, fikiran dan perasaan,

Adakah hatimu tenang dengan kepuasan?

Wajahmu membayangkan ciri rasa hatimu,

Kata yang dituturi penuh emosi dilitupi ilmu,

Keperitan hati yang dipelajari,

Dari kehidupan sehari demi sehari,

Nadamu yang penuh kerinduan,

Kehidupan dipenuhi perhitungan,

Jikalau hidup ini senang difahami,

Jikalau perjalanan ini boleh secukupnya diselami,

Bayangkan dirimu tanpa halangan dan pertandingan,

Hidupmu sempurna, tanpa tandingan,

Tapi itukah namanya kehidupan?

Bebas dari keperitan, diselimuti perlindungan,

Hati gemalai yang senang dilukai ini,

Tidak pernah diguris sebegini,

Kegelapan malam membawa teman memori yang memeraskan hati,

Sebahagian hidup yang amat sukar ditelani,

Hati dan sanubari yang bergelora,

Jiwa yang kini membara,

Mengambil langkah tersebut dengan hati yang dipenuhi keazaman,

Dari mula hingga ke akhir hayat kau akan diteman,

Dengan hatimu tersendiri,

Ukirkanlah hati yang berseri,

Di mana jua kau berada,

Gunakanlah hatimu sebagai persada...

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Sunday, May 23, 2010

Grateful...

Sunday, May 23, 2010 Posted by Dee
I miss saturday morning breakfasts with dad,
I miss the laughs and quirks over the teas we shared,
I miss mom telling me to quit eating chillies
I miss the way she loved buying trinkets that were cute and frilly, (not that i'd wear them)
I miss fighting with my brother,
We had a love hate relationship like no other,
I miss wrapping my arms around my sweet little baby,
I miss her as much as she misses me,
I miss running errands for my grandfather,
I truly hope he's feeling better,
I miss talking to dad about everything,
I miss the way kakak loves to sing,
I miss the way she'd always make me fish when she cooks mutton,
I love the way she squeals every time she finds a missing button,
I miss arguing with dad which plant would look better at the front porch,
I miss hearing my brother getting a earful every time dad has to look for the torch,
I miss cuddling up to dad on weekend afternoons as we watch tv,
I miss seeing mom's eyes grow huge at every saree she sees, (apparently her monstrous collection will be mine someday, APPARENTLY, we'll see)
I miss mom telling me to wear things that I deem inappropriate,
And I miss her staring at me as if I was being weird,
I miss my bed, my home and my family,
One of the many joys I can't wait to see.....


I miss running to Jill's place for the Sim's,
Its been ages it seems,
I miss Guling shushing us quiet,
I loved living on my own planet,
I miss Adie's prodding fingers,
I miss the way our gaze lingers,
I miss taking hour long lunch breaks and forgoing the rest of class,
I miss Guling inspecting every inch of her glass,
I miss Adie winding up asleep on my shoulder every time a lecture drags,
I miss Jilly's witty gags,
I miss our Mango Mania trips,
And our San Fran coffee sips,
I miss how they make fun of my ignorance,
And take it upon themselves to vividly explain things to me with great "patience"

Life truly does have its ups and downs,
Its smiles and frowns,
But with such beautiful memories within you,
How can you feel your life isn't true,
With such love and cherish,
I don't think I have a remaining wish,
Except that these joys remain with me till my very last moment,
For my life as blessed as it has been, has also been truly pleasant....
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Sunday, May 16, 2010

To You

Sunday, May 16, 2010 Posted by Dee
To the one who always calls me at the oddest times,
Thank you...

To the one that always laughs at me scrubbing hard at gunk and grimes,
Thank you too....

To the one who squishes me so hard with a hug,
I miss you....

To the one who I call a total slug,
Its true....

To the one whose shoulders I always cry upon,
You're a friend thats true....

To the one I laugh with from dusk till dawn,
I miss you too....

To the one that I laugh at,
I still do...

To the one I yell at,
You make me want to....

To the one I love unconditionally,
You're one of the few...

To the one that always turns to me to bully,
Screw you!

To the one that does it only to tease,
Not you....

To the one I love to please,
You better find someone new....

To the one I pledge my heart to...
Damn I wish I knew you!
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Monday, April 19, 2010

Blue Monday

Monday, April 19, 2010 Posted by Dee
I know its a clichè but I suppose I have been caught up with the Monday Blues... There are so many things that I want to do, so many things I want to say... But for some reason, I simply can't bring myself to doing any of them or saying them out loud. Its as though there's a wedge buried inside me that I can't choke out. I imagined all sorts of adventures, meeting all sorts of people and discovering all sorts of places. To be frank, though I didn't want to leave home, I was a little excited at the prospect of being somewhere different for a change. I was scared, I won't lie, but I still had a tiny inkling in me that felt I could possibly like my new home in a strange, foreign land. Today, I think to myself, where is that sense of excitement? What happened to the jolt of adrenaline I used to feel when I thought of this place? Were my expectations too high? Had I upstaged my adventure all in my mind? Ironically, staying with family has never made me feel more estranged than I feel now... I've seen and experienced my fair share of dysfunctional families but this one seems to have an affect on me like no other. Perhaps its the notion that I feel my arrival here is far from welcomed. I feel like I've imposed... I have never been one to receive charity...And I mean be it by anyone, I find it almost difficult to seek help unless I'm absolutely comfortable with a person. I don't know if its pride, but I do know that I am unwilling to allow myself to seem vulnerable to anyone. To trust someone I'm not tremendously close to with the fact that I'm susceptible is not a thought that I'm willing to even consider. I wouldn't say its pride but a sense of fear. Fear that I may be scorned upon. Fear that I may not be able to live up to the expectations that surround me. Fear that I may very well be a disappointment to all.

Sitting here without company or my usual hectic schedule to distract me, I'm faced with all the pent up worries that had been bubbling inside unnoticed all this while. I drowned myself with work and company because I was afraid to deal with these issues and now that I have nothing to keep my mind occupied, I can't help but submerge myself in this cauldron of brewing poison. At first I thought that it would be healthy to deal with these issues. It would be a way of understanding myself and that it was finally time for me to resolve these problems. But the deeper and deeper I dig, the more frightened I become. I'm frightened of what I might uncover. I'm afraid of what I might unearth. Am I really the person that I seem to be? Or is there a whole pile of crap stewing on the inside? Frankly, I don't know if I can deal with it on my own.

I've had amazing friends all my life. And one of the most daunting trepidations I faced before coming here would be making and meeting the same kind of friends that I was leaving behind. At first I brushed my quandaries aside, attributing them to my known neuroticism and paranoia, but its been a whole month and I've never felt lonelier in my life. Despite the fact that I'm living with family makes me feel worse that I could feel so lonely. Confined to a house that I barely recognize as it feels hollow, empty and cold makes me want to curl up in bed and not wake up. I just feel so lost and alone. Every morning I wake up with a thought or rather, a hope that today would be different. Today I would discover that I belonged here... That I felt at peace... only to end the day counting the days till I would return home. Its so difficult waking up some times and wondering where I am.... Wondering where is this place..... Wondering what I'm doing here....The only reason I'm here in this empty nest is for the one I left.... They have such big dreams and hopes for me... Such wonderful expectations that I can't help but find it hurting my shoulders as I carry it day and night... Will I ever be good enough to fulfill their wishes? All the pain and hurt inside is nothing compared to the one I would face if I let them down... Nothing would break my heart more than to see my family saddened by worst of all, me. I just wished things weren't so hard. I just wish I felt a little sense of familiarity... A feeling of belonging...
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Monday, March 29, 2010

A Garden Of Nothingness

Monday, March 29, 2010 Posted by Dee
An empty garden,
A heavy burden,
Where will it end,
This heart where shall I send,
Tears speak of pain,
And yet they spill in vain,
A fist clenched so tight it draws blood,
As the tears come pouring down like an endless flood,
The walls built from within come crashing down,
As a she comes crumbling to the ground....

Looking at the sky,
She finds a will to try,
To live,
To give,
A heart full of love,
Yearning soar free like a dove,
But lost in her own shadows she weeps,
Her yearns, her desires, with her.... sleeps,

Looking over her shoulder she sees nothing,
Having lost her heart, she's lost everything,
The songs of the birds taunt her,
The beautiful roses glint at her with a sneer,
The beauty robbed,
Broken, she sobs....

Where does she find a will,
Where will she find a reason to care still,
Where does she look for a hand to hold on to,
What will she do,
Burnt, broken and torn,
A soul never more forlorn,
Looks to the heavens one last time,
As she hears the bells chime....




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Monday, March 15, 2010

The End at Forever

Monday, March 15, 2010 Posted by Dee
I won't apologize,
I won't wait for you to realize,
That I'll love you forever,
And ever....

I won't hold a grudge,
But I won't budge,
I will love you forever,
And ever....

Don't tell me to move on,
Don't bother telling me you're gone,
I will love you forever,
And ever....

Don't tell me you're sorry,
Don't tell me not to worry,
I will love you forever,
And ever....

I won't forgive you,
I won't understand what you had to do,
I will love you forever,
And ever....

I won't cry myself to sleep at nights,
I won't let my hopes reach new heights,
I will love you forever,
And ever....

I won't live in your memory,
I don't need you to tell I'm free,
I will love you forever,
And ever....

And yet I wonder,
Will you see or never,
All that is lost and gained,
All that cherished and stained,
For an eternity speaks of life,
A life filled with joy or strife?

I will love you forever,
And ever,
And die shall I never....

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Thursday, December 24, 2009

Falls of Crepuscule

Thursday, December 24, 2009 Posted by Dee
Whispers erupt from the bristles of the leaves,
Sunlight slowly bereaves,
As darkness crawls limb by limb,
Sight grows dim,
Cold etching its way in,
The silent din,
Flickering in darkness,
Hope in finding the chill of a furnace,
Has life turned blind,
Of pain and fate has life entwined....

A veil of clarity,
That would bind eternally,
Sweeping by with utmost intricacy,
A touch of sheer delicacy,
A gloss of reflection,
Of pain and passion,
Woven with silken desire,
Embedded with an upheld fire,
The sear of such frailty,
Burning through infinity.

The moist of tears,
As tangible as the chill of fears,
Streets lay bare,
A thought with nothing to share,
An emptiness that burns,
Fate so firmly spurns,
A single drop,
A heart that finally does stop,
The drop that floods the world,
As the waves unfurl,
The shatter of that single blink,
That let a life's worth of hope sink,

As nothingness unravels from a world within,
A world void of pain, of sin...

A world of hope and of dreams,
A world where passion flows through nimble streams,
A world of where the heart dwells,
A world without hells....
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