Me, Myself and Insanity

Monday, September 14, 2009

Loneliness, my best friend

Monday, September 14, 2009 Posted by Dee

Loneliness seems to be a solid companion in my life. Well, maybe not so much loneliness but this sinking aching feeling that you're just not complete. Like something's missing. Sometimes it feels as if you've forgotten something and other times it feels like you're trying to forget something. I'm trying to forget something but these few days have been extremely hard. Added with the fact that I'm PMSing... I just feel... lonely. An emptiness inside that at one point was slowly filling itself out but now seems to have grown so deep that its gnawing away at my defense wall. The wall that I built to protect myself once. Tears just seem so overrated these days. I'm too tired out of crying my eyes out. I just don't have it in me anymore.

Distraction barely work as I see myself constantly reflecting back without realizing. I'm associating everything all over again. I'm driving myself insane. I thought blogging about it would help. Apparently it doesn't. So I'm going to stop.

0 comments Labels: Espresso-ed Everyday

Sunday, September 13, 2009

PMS Shite!

Sunday, September 13, 2009 Posted by Dee

Lots of times I have to sit and ponder about what it is I want to talk about. This isn't one of those times. A lot has been going on... Too much perhaps. Though not everything is bad, I just feel like I need a breather. My mind feels bogged down and my heart feels heavy. I can't get my feet on the go and my spirits seem to wane. Why? I have no idea. .... Okay, I lied. I have an idea. But its not something that I'm particularly proud of. I'm tired of being me. I'm in a damn rut. (You may very well take this to be one of those PMS rantings of mine) I'm fearful, anxious, hurt and most of the times irked.

My tiresome mood swings are leaving me absolutely drained of emotional energy. I feel happy at one second and completely livid the next. WHATS BLOODY HELL WRONG WITH ME?! Jeez... I so need to get a life!

Ok, starting NOW! NO MORE RANTING!!!! Lol... SMILEY!!!

And juz for the fun of it I wanted to add this little one... coz i thought the color was pretty! :)

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Saturday, September 12, 2009

Fears That Keep Me Awake...

Saturday, September 12, 2009 Posted by Dee

Its been 5 months plus since Dad has been out of the hospital. A blessing like no other that was. The memories of that place however, were no such thing. I can still smell the pungent whiff of Death just lurking in the corner, waiting to jump out at you at any given time. That whole ward seemed like Death's Den and there would be no other place that could make me feel gloom like that place did. Just being there made me wonder if I could ever come out of there alive.

Yesterday, another one of Dad's friends, or rather his room companion, passed away. He was 23 years old. I knew close to nothing of him except that he was young and had thought he had a bright future awaiting him. Never did he accept nor did he want to accept that he would not see pass his 23rd year. I cried last night. I cried for someone I barely knew. I cried because I did not see how anyone should have had their future snatched from them the way he did. I did not see how he should be robbed of the chance to spend more time with his family and his love. I just could not see. I cannot see. What hurt more than expected was that, I could not do anything either. I felt powerless. I want to help and yet I stand without the ability to.

I'd be lying if I said thats it. What scares me more is the fact that they seem to be picked up one after the other. And the more I think of it, the more I scare myself senseless wondering if my father may be next. There hasn't been a moment that I haven't wondered what I would do without him. I am a daddy's girl. Though I'm not as close to my parents as I'd like to be, I just would not and will not accept a life without either of them. I can't help wishing that I'd had done better by them. If only I had been a better daughter or a better person... But if I say those things, then would it be more of a reason for him to leave? I shudder at the mere thought. I remember crying myself to sleep during one of those gruelling nights. I felt that I had brought that illness upon my father. I still do. If only he had never worried so much about my future. If only he needn't worry to provide for us so much. If only he needn't worry so much about the need to protect and care for us so much. So many ifs... So many tears and worries and cries.

I would have gladly taken it myself. I mean, I have asked God if he could spare my dad and take me instead. I'd gladly go. My family needs my father. My mother does and my brother. My mother could never live without him and my brother needs him to live on. I would be the most expendable. Why couldn't I be the one to go? If I had to, I would.

Sometimes I have this fear that, I really could go at any given time. I might have to give up everything I had dreamt of having. What would I do then? My dreams, my fantasies, my wishes....everything. It scares me. It scares me a lot. But if it means that my family can have my dad back, i'd give it all up in a heart beat. I don't believe that I am worth more than anyone. I mostly exist in the shadows, pleasing everyone and not really standing on my own grounds for my own needs. The world could do with less of me, but my family wouldn't without my father.

20 years or 2 or even a day, I know it will come. I just don't know if I could leave without a goodbye. A chance to say goodbye. I hope that I will have that chance. I pray....

0 comments Labels: Espresso-ed Everyday

Monday, September 07, 2009

The Beginning of Fall

Monday, September 07, 2009 Posted by Dee

Thus begins a new semester... As much as I wish I could say that life was a merry stroll in the park, I can't exactly put it in those exact words. I sit in my room of 21 years and stare at its bright cheery green walls hoping that it would take me a couple of minutes to absorb its mood. I'm trying. Still trying. *Peek, is it working? *Aaauuummm.... Nope. Nothing. Ah well.

Utterly disappointed in myself for being so LAZY!! I can't believe I failed to keep my resolve! But hey, what else is new right? Stinky called me a tiresome exercise freak which I have to admit has kinda been the entire focus of my pitiful existence. But allow me to clarify and illustrate why I have been gym absorbed recently. Firstly, with Shyam akka's wedding coming up, I know for a fact that I need to lose more than a few pounds. Especially when my MOTHER is gonna be designing the saree blouse and everything, I KNOW for a fact that there will be MINIMAL fabric involved (something I detest!) and there's no effing way I'm gonna be dressed like that when I'm unsure of myself. Another point would be a more, well, vindictive one rather. SOMEBODY will be attending the wedding too. Or rather, I think so. And if SOMEBODY is, then I'm hoping that I look good enough to atleast show that I'm better off and I'm keeping well and fine without SOMEBODY'S presence! Two VERY strong motivating factors.

Adie is being a total dumper at this point. Not returning calls, not smsing, nothing. So I'm not gonna bother from now on. Its a little irksome (okay, I'm very irked...sheesh...so much for underplaying) as I feel sidelined. But more frustrating is that I feel she doesn't really care. Stinky is always tired these days as she has to accompany Ugly to and fro work and doing all this whilst juggling classes. Poor Stinky. Poor Ugly too as I think she's being exploited by her no good employers with her measly wage and ridiculous job scope. [Everybody go buy batik at 1World Hotel by the 21st, after that, DON"T EVEN GO NEAR THAT PLACE] I'm totally evil! I know! *wink!

I'm stressing out about leaving next year. My plans aren't as smooth sailing as I'd hoped they'd be. There are a few glitches I'm experiencing. Thankfully, one of them I've resolved today and I'm praying that all the folds are smoothened out soon. *Twitching nervously....

Right now, I'm feeling a little drained.... But seeing that semester has indeed started, I'm pretty sure that this will not be the last entry for an extended time... Or honestly, I'm hoping to god that I have more willpower than this! Pathetic!!

3 comments Labels: Espresso-ed Everyday

Monday, August 24, 2009

Questions That Answers Can't Answer

Monday, August 24, 2009 Posted by Dee

Wading through a shallow creek,

As water trickles from a filled out left cheek,

I rest myself on a hard but sturdy rock,

And I smile as I watch little fishes flock,

The sun is bright but hides from time to time behind wispy clouds,

The place is quiet but not without absence crowds,

Its tranquility, serenity, beauty....

I weep at its simplicity....

For such with such simplicity comes a whirlwind of intricate complexity,

But yet, granted alongside is the innate ability,

To appreciate, adore and cherish all that has been granted,

And to yearn for all that is desired....

Love fills every inch of this haven,

Looking ever so much as an innocently painted heaven,

Memories and lessons of life that seem to hold true,

And people who believe them and see them through,

Love and care is all that these beings share,

Doing only as their heart deems fair,

Yet, untainted is their notions,

And furthermore so their intentions,

A world where ignorance truly is bliss,

And each with actions as innocent and sweet as a child's kiss,

Purity untainted,

Courage undaunted,

Love never diminished,

Care never needing to be replenished,

Strength unshaken,

Bond unbroken,

A world of bliss at its truest,

But is it a creation at its greatest?

0 comments Labels: Latte-fied Theatrics

Another Day A New Page

Monday, August 24, 2009 Posted by Dee

Life has been such a blessing lately... I mean wow... I'm finally getting a handle on things and the grimmest of grim affairs does in its own weird way actually look pretty endearing. Sigh... I am happy =) And my black nail polish looks like crap. Shit. Somethings I suppose never change. Its the start of a new semester and already cracks or forming at what is supposed to be a smooth transition into my final year abroad. Complications have come about but seeing that this isn't in my control neither is it my fault, I'm going to push till I get my way. I will break through this and I will make things happen for myself. No pain, no gain right?

The gym has basically been the highlight of my entire holiday existence. It has served its purpose by making me feel more invigorated and more charged with energy. On top of that, Saturday's personal training session left me closer to DEATH than I have ever been before. I recall Jill saying that I, apparently, have more stamina than her. My freaking toes are laughing now. Apart from the fact that the rest of my body is screaming in agony. Its good pain, good pain. And now I think for some insane reason, I'm about to purchase 3 extra personal training sessions. God help me figure out why? I know its for my own good.... BUT THE PAIN!!!! YIKES!!! I had to baby sit 3 kids the next day and honestly, I in the true sense of the word, PANICKED! I survived the agonizing hours by sheer luck! Nothing more than sheer luck... And of course with the sacrifice of my mom's collection of Japanese figurines... Ah well, good riddance I think.. hehe...

So far a pretty spectacular day in all its flaws and mishaps! Another one I would never trade for anything else in the world!

Love and Hugs....

0 comments Labels: Espresso-ed Everyday

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Humdrumming....

Saturday, August 15, 2009 Posted by Dee

Wow... so much for keeping a promise... I took a LONG break from blogging... Let me first admit that it was a very conscious decision and I'm not going to blame time or circumstances for anything. In fact, there was many a times when I had literally sat down to blog but just couldn't. Life has been a little complicated, I will have to admit and for the very first time in a long while, I felt robbed of the ability to vent. I just felt like curling in bed and mourning my losses and gains (to a certain extent) or drowning myself with a new obsession. I chose the latter. I've been downloading all games imaginable and going through them painstakingly, one after the other. Confusion has set about brewing and stirring within me, bringing about it the usual, pain, tears, amazement (literally that I could feel the things I do), bafflement, and so many others (I know most of you would think that if a person could feel so many emotions all at one go they would stop functioning normally- guess what, you're right!)

Its been an erratic rollercoaster ride for my emotions. But hey, exciting isn't it? If you answered yes that I've gotta say.... YOU'RE FREAKING INSANE!!! Damn! I wish I could move on with life. Everytime I say I do, its not so much convincing the person I'm saying it to, its more an act of conviction for my own sanity. I need to get over this hurdle, I know first times are rather difficult but seriously! This is bloody pathetic! This is all your fault, divine being! If you had given us autonomy of our emotions. I know you did, but you placed that nagging emotion, that plaguing feeling behind as well. I don't know what the heck its called. I can't name it. Or rather I don't want to. Sigh...

There's a lot that I will say soon but as for a simple post, I believe this outta do it =)

0 comments Labels: Espresso-ed Everyday