Me, Myself and Insanity

I absolutely HATE MATH!!!! Ive spent the entire day crunching numbers preparing for my Quantitative Methods paper this Thursday... Most people would think that after years of formal education, one would atleast find math bearable, but I on the other hand entirely despise the damned subject. Though I have to say, math is a subject that is indeed easy when practise is consistent. The only problem with that concept is that I actually have to spend HOURS brooding over the damn subject! Well, the bright side of today would mainly be

1. Kyou Kara Maou!!!! yeee!!! I found the entire season 1 on youtube!
2. I've tweaked the blog so I think I'll be checking in every now and then! (well, not to mention I've been on since six in the morning and haven't had the heart to close the page coz its so pweeetty!!!~thank u jilly!!!)
3. I'm home alone!
4. I'm having ice-cream for lunch!

I suppose studying isn't to bad....I juz hate it coz it involves numbers and that clearly isn't my forte. But I guess I've had worse. I mean atleast its not add math bad. Well, looking on the bright side of things, I'm pretty suprised that I haven't gone all nutsy and started banging my head against the wall, literally (lets not go there....painful days, and that's literal too!) Its really sunny outside and I feel all positive for some strange reason so I better use this opportunity to keep on grinding my nose against those pages, cause God knows that I never am in one mood zone for too long! And my friends would dearly testify to that!

Number, number, number,

They make me dumber, dumber, dumber,

When I should be smarter, smarter, smarter,

Bummer!

The light that flickered in the darkness,
Burnt out, bringing along with it much joy and happiness,
The dark that creeps by brings about the cold,
Along with it, dreaded fears unfold,
The smiles that memories so fond brought every morning,
Now somehow seem to have gone into hiding,
The daydreams that plastered smiles and stargazing eyes,
Replaced now with constant despair and heart wrenching cries,
Questions after questions that tears the heart apart,
Not knowing where to begin, where to start,
The hand that held such hope, such dreams, such care,
And that very hand that dealt a blow that one's heart could not bear,
The mornings are now greeted by the silence that emptiness brings,
The songs heard are that of which loneliness sings,
The hand that held so tight,
So suddenly took flight,
Why, the heart cries, why, it yearns to know,
Was there a reason to flee, was there a cause to go,
It was hope that showed up at the door,
But yet this soul had no idea what fate instead had in store,
Nights of sleep so sound now lost,
Not a single sense of warmth amidst this chilly frost,
Memories that once brought life,
Now bring about a pain sharper than that brought by a knife,
The blade of reality tears through the shreds of love,
As the wings of innocence are clipped to the back of the dove,
What was real, what was true,
The heart wishes it knew,
Left knowing that the end had come,
Yet, though hope was dead, kept alive was some,
Desperate for a thread of possibility,
But the mind knows what the heart cannot see,
Its time to let go,
To stop letting faith grow,
Time to set hope free,
And hopefully one day life will be,
The way it once used to be,
One day, my heart will be set free....

The sun hides behind the clouds,
A shadow that creeps behind the crowds,
A shadow unnoticed,
A shadow not missed,
Alone in the darkness she lurks,
To swallow her own pain, anger and irks,
Gone is the hand that once held her own,
Once again, she stands alone,
Missing the eyes of comfort and the smiles of joy,
This shroud of happiness of yet another ploy,
Hurt is nothing new,
Yet her heart has met it times a few,
But every encounter,
Anguishes her more than the other,
The tears that seemed liked her lost companion,
Have now found her in a bountiful reunion,
How could she miss one that was never her own,
As she feels the pain in every flesh and bone,
Who was she to care for something she cannot have,
How could she mistake the smiles and the laughs,
For they were at her and never with her,
Her only true friend being the pain she grew up with and her new found fear,
It is wrong for her to wish, to dream, to want,
For something she will never have, she simply can’t,
Yet to wrong her for her hearts anguish,
To bury her for her one wish,
A penance of much to give,
In which would she seek to live,
How the path rolls is yet another chapter,
For will this story end in misery or a happily after after,
Is a story for yet another day to uncover…..

My hand waves through the silkiness of the wind,
My soul has long yearned for a single sin,
A tinge of care, attention, a look,
A sweep of love that exists in only a book,
That smile without reason,
That joy that has no season,
The madness, the rush,
The mere thought that sets your face aflush,
You blush,
A smile that creeps on you from nowhere,
That sends you soaring out into the world without a care,
And yet,
It holds you back, fully escape it won’t let,
It holds you down and pins you against it,
It sends you into a fit,
But you love every moment it brings,
At the mere sound, the way your ears ring,
Your hopes never saw such light,
Your dreams never found the night,
You float,
Every night words of hope you wrote,
Eyes shining with life,
Mischief in your heart is rife,
Every moment infectious,
Every thought delicious,
Close your eyes tonight,
The time is finally right,
For tomorrow,
Holds new joys that will set your spirits aflow,
Live for tomorrow and the days that come,
Sing with life and with love hum,
For the merry tune you know,
Will carry you wherever your heart wishes to go………..

What is wrong and what is right,
Is it wrong that my mind wonders to you at night,
Is it wrong that I awake with a smile,
Is it wrong that at the mere thought of you, my heart races a mile,
If it is so, then why does it feel so right,
Gloomy days seem to beam so bright,
The cold no longer pricks,
The clock no longer ticks,
The heat no longer burns,
My heart no longer yearns,
Reality seems distant,
My fantasies are so persistent,
My mind dreams, my heart breathes, my hopes soar,
Life it is seems is opening a new door,
Something that I did not know I had,
For this is something I had never bothered nor cared,
Now my life is this force,
My destiny has a new course,
Doubt enshrouds me,
I wonder what is to be,
A path so vague,
But my heart is filled with this oh so delightful plague,
One that breathes a soul into this life,
One that makes my senses rife,
Sorrow is but a distant memory,
Pain, I set thee free,
For joy has its place,
I see beauty, elegance and grace,
I walk no further to seek my dreams,
For I have now been blessed,
Or so it seems…

Wow, a new year has arrived! Sadly, I haven't been able to live up to my word in ensuring a continual posting chronicling my journey through the marshes of life. But then again, I'm sweating bullets trying to live up to the demanding and high octaned life that I have so blindly signed myself up for. Make no mistake, I am a highly charged and quite satisfied individual, but once in a while, I can't help but wish that I had atleast a little time to catch a breather. But well, when you love something, it's no longer seen as a chore but a time of merriment. And this is one such instant!

Okay! Enough rambling! Now the main reason why I have felt more than compelled (we're moving along the lines of obligated here) to pen down my latest escapade is because apart from seeing the intrinsic motivation I have attained from this particular trip, I also managed to accomplish one of my desired goals. In fact, to be quite honest, I have had dreams that seem pretty unreasonable as there was no plausible way to achieve some of these desires. Have I put you in a state of imbroglio? Well, I have dreams such as having 50 children, I want to hold phDs, masters and degrees in fields such as psychology, law, journalism, broadcasting, public relations, human rights and the list just keeps growing! So you see what I mean when I say I tend to dream unpractically. But hey, what can I do, the heart seeks what it wants, right? So now, another such dream that I have long harbored within the deepest nooks of my heart is to have a big family. In terms of having elder brothers and sisters. Being the eldest in my family with only a younger brother as a companion, I have long yearned to have an older figure to look up to. Instead of being the protector, I dreamed of being the protected. To some this may sound more than ridiculous but for some who have experienced my plight, you know what I mean.

Well, needless to say, I got my wish! Yay! Bewildered?? Well, let's take a small journey down MY memory lane (for some inexplicable reason, I love that phrase!) It all began with me hesitating to go for my cousin's wedding in Singapore. Firstly, I was going to miss the first day of college, something I was very reluctant to do. Secondly, I was going to stay in an aunt's house. An aunt that I have never met and never known and on top of that I was informed that she had 3 SONS! Oh god! As if living with one demon wasn't enough, now I had to walk into a house where there were 3 guys I had no inkling about! Self-check, forget reluctant, I was convinced I didn't want to go. All through the week I had nightmares and "daymares", as my friends fondly call my pessimistic dawn induced reveries. But my parents insisted and they stood their ground, and for the first time ever (heehee, behold the youthful angst- rule no.1 of youth rebellion- never let your parents know they were right or they will never let you forget you were wrong! hehe) I have to say that I'm glad they did.

Singapore was a blast! It was memorable for many reasons. It was the first time I wore a saree and it was also my first church wedding. Apart from that, it was also the first trip I was taking with my adorable baby cousin who just turned three! But most significantly to me, it is my most cherished memory because I gained a new family. The people that I was dreading to meet had become the embodiment of security and love all molded into one. My aunty was a darling. She was ever ready to lend a hand, kind, thoughful and simply remarkable as a mother. Proof of the later came in the form of 3 wonderful sons. Though I only had the privilege of meeting 2 of them, it was suffice. My eldest cousin (Navin) was endearing and thoroughly comical and compassionate. He had a wonderful sense of humor and was undoubtedly funny. He made us feel completely at home. My second cousin (Darshan) is more quiet and humble. He is thoughtful, sincere and very benign. He was slightly refined but had a heart worth its weight in gold. To be honest, I met my second first and found him a little scary. I thought he was strict and a rather no-nonsense sort of individual. This shook me as I immediately began concocting ways to escape to another household with thoughts such as "If he's the middle child and he's that strict, oh god, I don't wanna meet the eldest!" (I swear, this is the literal thought that ran through my mind practically the whole night!

Now it seems rather ridiculous as they both were nothing of the sort. In fact, circumstances and the entire trip proved quite the contrary.

If you think that miracles ends here, your sorrowfully mistaken. Further along the trip I was blessed with three other gems. My three other younger cousins (Brindha, Tharshini and Haresh). Always wanting sisters to be part of my life, I was more than ready to bond with them. I had jitters and butterflies zooming and doing cartwheels in my stomach during the wedding as I was not sure how they would react to seeing me. I had known Haresh and Brindha as I had stayed with them whilst on holiday years and years back! Gosh! It seems like it was ages ago! Oh wait, it was! It was a good 7 or 8 years back. We lost touch and I was really afraid that they may not remember or not be too keen in meeting up again. Boy, was I gladly mistaken. It was wonderful meeting the two munchkins again (though Brindha has become so gorgeous and Haresh so dashing!) Brindha then went on to introduce me to another cousin I had never met, Tharshini who was such a darling.

The essence of this entry was not only a narration into the trip I took and the wonderful miracles and joy it had introduced but it was also discovery and a dream that I had once doomed was resuscitated and revived in the most breathtaking manner. I had found happiness in their midst. I have had more friends than family members and I have been closer to strangers than some of my family which is quite a travesty I'm sure, but take my word that this sticky wicket is not at all by favor. There have been many instances were sorrow has overcome my senses as I desperately try to figure out what has pushed my family to the brink of separation but my efforts almost always turn up fruitless. I suppose the disappointment created a chasm within my soul. Over the years the ridge widened and it sprout more questions and curiosity all laced with grief and tinged with forlonness. Never could I fathom what could be so dreadful that it would conspire a family to deny their offsprings a chance at feeling and understanding the pulchritude of love. How could they defy the laws of humanity and tear apart the origins of what was embedded within them?

I struggled with some of these questions and still am. Nonetheless, this journey has provided me with something that has laid my heart at rest. No, not the answers to my question but a visage of what having a big family would look like. I was gifted with the sentience of brethren love. The love that I had sought so gravely was now standing epitomized by the very individuals that I was so hesitant to meet. I guess I was averse because I had internalized the fear that I might not be accepted. A thought had fleeted across my mind at some point, if my own family was not willing to accept me, why should others? I had of course dismissed this thought as ludicrous but the crux of this notion welded itself inwardly.

This trip bore something more than new relationships. For me, it bore hope. I felt reborn. My hopes revitalized, I found strength to go on believing. These wonderful individuals personified the very virtues of what a family is. From the depths of my heart, I would say that God had blessed me with a family. And this family bore a new me. With their presence they brought along hope. A hope that simply spelt that if two estranged families can unite as one, why can't one family that has become estranged unify?

The love and care I had experienced here is not done justice with the words that I have used to impart this venerated chapter of my existence for love is indescribable. It is immeasurable. It can only be lived and treasured. And I have felt the love of my family. At last, I can say, I am home.....

Hatiku bertanya sejuta soalan,
Adakah kasih ini semata khayalan,
Kebingungan menyerap sisa diriku,
Kesangsian namaku ianya menyeru,
Namun alangkah teguhnya kasih ini,
Kekuatan kuasa menyelubungi diriku kini,
Segala keperitanku terpadam,
Kenangan pahit kini jauh terpendam,
Air mata yang berlinangan di kelopak mataku alamat kegirangan,
Jiwaku yang berporak peranda kini mencapai ketenangan,
Kesayangan yang dulu sungguh didahagakan,
Sanubariku yang berkemarau menderita menanti kesayangan,
Kini dicurah dengan kasih yang melimpah ruah,
Alangkah inikah yang dipanggilnya tuah,
Jejari kasih yang menggesel hatiku,
Menyemadikan segala penderitaanku,
Kini mataku hanya melihat harapan yang bersinar bagaikan permata,
Hatiku yang serat dengan semangat membara,
Bibirku hanya membisik namamu,
Mataku hanya menatap wajahmu,
Hatiku hanya menyeru kebahagianmu,
Kerana untuk selamanya diriku diselubungi kehitaman,
Kaulah cahayaku,
Kaulah harapanku,
Kaulah kasihku,
Kau segalanya wahai titik permulaanku,
Untukmu,
Jiwa ini akan berterusan,
Hati ini akan berdenyutan,
Dan kisah kasih ini tiada akhiran…..