Me, Myself and Insanity

Hatiku bertanya sejuta soalan,
Adakah kasih ini semata khayalan,
Kebingungan menyerap sisa diriku,
Kesangsian namaku ianya menyeru,
Namun alangkah teguhnya kasih ini,
Kekuatan kuasa menyelubungi diriku kini,
Segala keperitanku terpadam,
Kenangan pahit kini jauh terpendam,
Air mata yang berlinangan di kelopak mataku alamat kegirangan,
Jiwaku yang berporak peranda kini mencapai ketenangan,
Kesayangan yang dulu sungguh didahagakan,
Sanubariku yang berkemarau menderita menanti kesayangan,
Kini dicurah dengan kasih yang melimpah ruah,
Alangkah inikah yang dipanggilnya tuah,
Jejari kasih yang menggesel hatiku,
Menyemadikan segala penderitaanku,
Kini mataku hanya melihat harapan yang bersinar bagaikan permata,
Hatiku yang serat dengan semangat membara,
Bibirku hanya membisik namamu,
Mataku hanya menatap wajahmu,
Hatiku hanya menyeru kebahagianmu,
Kerana untuk selamanya diriku diselubungi kehitaman,
Kaulah cahayaku,
Kaulah harapanku,
Kaulah kasihku,
Kau segalanya wahai titik permulaanku,
Untukmu,
Jiwa ini akan berterusan,
Hati ini akan berdenyutan,
Dan kisah kasih ini tiada akhiran…..

Blood that is shared is spilt,
Flowers that bloomed together now wilt,
Tears that flow speak of penance and pain,
And yet at the end, there is nothing to gain,
The bond that is supposed to be forged in eternity is broken,
The love showered now forsaken,
The singe of hell is felt,
The blow from the hand of love dealt,
Shreds of a being wither in the depths of darkness,
Void of even a glance of care nor forgiveness,
Compassion that was once sought,
The shards of joy from hope is now nought,
Remnants of pain now are abundant,
Any inkling of hope or wish is now abandoned,
A heart once filled with love is now replaced with pain,
Yearning for love has been this existence’s bane,
Now ruined and crumbled it lays,
As day by day through tears it pays,
Its dues and forthcomings,
As the gates of hell sings,
It beckons to her,
"Come hither",
But most appalling is not her invitation to purgatory,
But further in her is a more afflicting story,
Despite Lucifer’s supplication,
She needed no persuasion,
For her heart desired nothing more,
Than Death himself to come knocking on her door,
The most gruelling of deaths or the most excruciating of pain,
She is ready to bear everything in vain,
With the promise she will be a burden no longer,
She will contaminate their lives no further,
She will plague them no more,
They will nothing more to worry for,
A curse she is upon them,
All their miseries from her they stem,
"I beg of you relinquish me of this suffering"
"Let me leave and with me their pain I shall bring"
"Let happiness flood their lives"
"Let their worries plunge into me like knives"
She closes her eyes and drops a single tear,
And with that tear she has proclaimed her greatest wish and fear….

Eyes that speak of none but pain,
Heart that bleeds for nothing but vain,
Come now death for I beckon thee,
Come set this anguished soul free,
Rip shred and tear at thy will,
End this agony in a single seal,
Tears that prism colors of pain, throe and throb,
For ears heed only wails and sob,
Come come death,
My arms embrace thee,
Let this life from this body flee,
The disappointing race its led,
The misery this forsaken heart has bled,
Tears pour now to no avail,
For anguish seems petty and silly it is to wail,
Come come closer death,
Your darkness comforts,
For life so far has only hurts,
Oh death I plead thee come,
Wrench my heart till its numb,
Freeze my insides till it feels no more,
Send me straight to hells gates or heavens door,
Oh death become me,
Death I beseech thee,
Take my light for another,
Spare someone’s daughter, father or mother,
Embrace me for I beg their place,
Take this soul thats fallen from grace,
Blood trickles with every tear,
My eyelids speak of nothing but fear,
My lips quiver as I speak thy name,
For death thee can set my turbulent life tame,
Scarlet red is all I cry,
Ignore my fate death, carry me by,
Across the seas to heavenly serenity,
Or send me straight to burning purgatory,
Anything but the bitter pill that I unconsciously hand,
Nor the pain that I unawaringly lend,
Receive me death as my heart welcomes thee,
Now once and for all let this soul be free……..

In the light of the candle hope glimmers,
In the depths of your heart, your conscience tremors,
Fear embraces you in tight squeeze,
Your insides harden, your emotions freeze,
Terror blinds your sight,
You heave and failingly fight,
The fear of loss grips you like a vice,
And in a thrice,
You fall further than your eyes can see,
Deeper than your heart wills free,
As you fall, your eyes finds light,
Hopes take flight,
In the moments of your last,
Vivid flashes of your colorful past,
Your pines for long lost loves,
The innocence you once held flutters away like a pearly dove,
Looking towards the light, a miracle shines your way,
Let not the hope and love in your heart fray,
As your love left behind beholds a legacy,
Your tender touch has gripped me,
Clutching at my deepest emotions,
Unravelling my sincerest notions,
As you fade into the light of everlasting bliss,
Of you I will always know this,
You are the epitome of life in my eyes,
And even if time itself one day dies,
You my life, heart and soul,
On you nothing can take a toll…..
This is a tribute to someone lost. Someone who had "passed on" in their own way. The loss to those who cherished this beautiful person mourns this heart wrenching loss but look forward for heartfelt bliss and continous peace for them.

Wow!! It has been an awful long time since I’ve written anything!! I can almost here a few people scream at me “About time!!!” So sorry guys, I’ve been swamped! But here’s a thought I reflected upon recently and thought was worth killing some time and brain cells over!
Ever been surrounded by people yet felt painfully alone? Ever felt a million eyeballs on you yet you seem to sink into the background? Baffled? Or simply perplexed?? No, I’m not out of my mind. Sometimes loneliness just seems to creep out from the darkest corners of our heart, corners we had buried deep within our souls afraid of what it may reveal and at the same time unprepared to wage an emotional war with our own fates and most painfully ourselves. How do we conquer our deepest fears? How do we vanquish our most painful cognitions? All the emotions boiled up inside us have been concocted by none other than ourselves. Tears spill without reason; hearts shatter without purpose yet the pain of these devastations are the same in any other situation. Are these pains void of reason? Or have we simply pushed our fears and pains out of our conscious thought? I buried mine deep within myself, afraid to unearth it in any reason for the fear that if I do, I might find myself crumbling at its sheer abhorrence. The power it wields over me is, sad to say, paramount.

Yet, it was at one point that life itself took a jolting turn and circumstances were such that everything spiraled out of my control. I had no power to make decisions, view choices or even think in favor of anything. Living solely the life of a puppet, I came to realize that power is what we make of it. WE give power to what holds us. It’s the strength of our grip that enhances a thought, it is the impact of the touch we make that commissions authority and most importantly it is the emphasis we place that warrants our thoughts in the paths it is destined to tread. Persuasion it seemed worked. Well, at least to a certain extent.
Regretfully, life wasn’t a bed of roses or a stroll in the park. I was sadly misled with the notion that if we had a certain mind frame, life would paint a beautiful picture. Fate had a different idea; from being a non-assertive, take it a day at a time individual, cynicism and skepticism set afoot. A new person had emerged from the depths of the order. A person so different that even I had trouble understanding.
The new person had a new take on life and perspectives seem to differ in stark contrasts. The typical bubbly personality was erased to be replaced with a sordid, rigid and rather depressing person. I was in the pit of despair. The change so tragic that I felt I could not live with myself yet a suppressed fear that if I laughed I would have to repay that moment of joy with a shed tear tore at my conscience and there were moments were I was truly wrought with fear as I trembled to stifle a giggle. Naivety? On the contrary, it was perfectly rationale but unfortunately unpractical. Nightmares invaded the painstaking existence and sanity edged to the brink of defeat.
I had had enough. To hell with fate and its consequences. What power do I have over my life if I were to surrender my life to power itself? What life would I have if I were to let life itself run its course? How would I have a destiny if I believe destiny alone is a reason to live? A mind-blowing self-discovery propelled these various questions that I could not do more than I already had. I live, love and lead my life. My head, heart and soul is mine to cherish and I will let no higher power decide its betterment or otherwise. Such determination exuded from every part of me yet there was one question that kept egging a very disturbing notion to come forth to my consciousness. What of the loss of this control? What if I am indeed wrong? What if I can’t lead my own life? What if I can’t hold the power that I think is mine? One question?? Now there are millions!
I have to admit that till copious amounts of time have wedged itself between my current state and the time of my self rumination but for the first time (honestly speaking here) in my life I can admit that I am satisfied with how things have turned out. Truthfully, the tears still pour and those moments of loneliness comes to haunt me in my darkest hours and I do find myself curling up in corners at times but this just allows me to know that I’m still human. I still feel, hurt and I know that I may not acknowledge certain things and I tend to repress hurtful memories or emotions but I can safely look at myself in the mirror and say that I am Me. And thank God I am

Its been a whole month since I last wrote despite the fact that I had promised to make this a continous effort. Guilty as charged! Well, so much has happened since the last login and there is way too much to tell. Well for starters, the MM phase is now officially complete and we Mentors have officially ended our contracts. So sad... But no matter, new adventures have come piling my way. Class is now half way through and the pressure is now on as mid terms come creeping by. Being a tutor and also volunteering at the centre have opened my eyes to a new beginning. A different me, a better me. Less obsessed with trivial things like when was the last time I watched a movie (ratatouille- with the tp gang that is) and when was the last time I just went out to chill- (dinner with Rakesh), my mind is now filled with thoughts about others and their well-being. I was at first really apprehensive about going to Emmanuel Care Centre as I was not sure I would be able to connect with the kids especially since I have experience dealing with normal kids and not kids that have mental difficulties.

It was a very troubling brief period of time for me (right before I went to the centre) as I fought my inner demons that were whispering of the darkness that lay ahead of my path. Nonetheless, I stepped into the centre for the first time with a smile on my face and to my great suprise I found not discomfort nor uncertainty surrounding me but a ton of faces that looked up to me with adoration and great expectancy. I felt as if the children looked up to everyone else as their saviour, their knight in shining armor, their twinkling eyes almost pleading you to be with them. They were untouched by the demons that have invaded the minds normalcy. They were as clean as the white sheets just waiting to be filled with the vibrance that life would soon bless them with. But more than anything their lips and mouth spoke of no words greater than the ones that their eyes and smiles said, treat us like everyone else. They are just like everyone else. They feel. They hurt. They think and they know. They know when they are being laughed at. They know how it feels to be pushed aside. They know the pain of being looked at differently.

I saw love in the eyes of these children and not for a moment did I doubt myself when I was in their midst. Not once did I have to think of the demons that I had left outside the doors of the centre. Neither did I have to even second guess myself at what I had perceived as every notion, every move and every word these children uttered were plainly meant as can be. If anyone were to ask me what is truth, from this children I would say I have learnt that truth is, void of knowleadgable deviants without being ignorant. These children are untainted by the dark wisdoms of our culture and nature not by choice but by the blessing undowed over them by God.This is why they are God's special children. They are his chosen ones to show others what Adam and Eve had once been blessed with, void of deviant knowledge without the aspect of ignorance.

I thank my lucky stars for allowing me a glimpse into such a wonder and such a miracle of life. I might sound as if I'm truly gushing at this rather excessively but not many may understand these kids the way some of us do. Not many may bother about them. Not many may even care but I do. And I thank God for allowing me the ability to feel and love. This is one instance that I have to say

Love is Pure,
Love is True,
Love is Childlike,
and if you allow it, you can find love in YOU.

Another couple of days has passed since last friday but I feel rather obliged to immortalize yesterday (saturday) as it has been an immensely enjoyable day. The day started a little mundane actually as our mobilization at Taman Petaling took a rather slow start but we managed to perk things up in the script reading session as the kids drew energy to go through their practice session with exuberance. It was fun watching them try and work hard at achieving their own intended individual goals. But after our mobilization, Samenti, Kaleena, Grace and myself decided that we would head on down to MidValley to search for face paint for the kids drama act as the deadline for the production was drawing eerily closer minute after minute. I could almost feel my heart race the minute I thought of this subject in particular. But after nearly 2 hours of scavenging, our efforts were fruitless. The disappointing visit to Toys R' Us (where we were told to go moreover) and MegaKidz as well as Jusco and ToyCity had dampened our spirits. The only slight picker-upper (yeah I know I just made that word up, its my blog, so sue me! hehehe) was that Sharanya had joined us just as we left the last place (Jusco) and we all decided that we needed a little fuelling so we headed off to Anna Lakshmi for a nice traditional indian fare. Being students, we are very budget conscious and Anna Lakshmi was the apt destination for us (you can enjoy a good meal and pay what you feel is appropriate to what you have consumed, its a charity joint) so we marched right there. Being girls, our hearty meal was accompanied by cheery banter, cheeky laughs and girly giggles. For the first time, I felt that I had truly bonded with my Mentoring Mates and it was really super fun as we laughed, ate and drank together. After all that, we decided that we still needed to get some white cloth for our banner so we headed down to Kamdar as our final destination as Kaleena needed to go back (and so did I!) There we had some fun with the guy who served us as our darling Grace addressed this guy that was no older than we were as "Pak Cik" As soon as she uttered these words the four of us burst out laughing and she blushed from head to toe. Even the guy had to smile rather shyly. It was hilarious and the joke stuck throughout as the guy began addressing Grace as "Mak Cik". Poor Grace was trying her level best to keep a calm face but she looked so flushed that a mere glance at her gave her away. Sharanya continued the joke by taking almost forever to decide how much cloth to get for the backdrop for her team. On a normal occasion it would have been exasperating but here it was more fun than irking. Moving on, we headed back to the LRT station as Samenti and I had parked the car in Asia Jaya and that I needed to drop Kaleena back. Before leaving MidValley though it was decided that Samenti would go back to Bangsar with Sharanya after getting her car as she wanted to check out this shop that was supposedly selling face paint. So we parted ways with Grace at the LRT station and Kaleena, Samenti, Sharanya and I headed to Asia Jaya. Upon reaching Asia Jaya, Sharanya announced that she was hungry and we all decided that we could do with a nice cold rootbeer float (it was scorching hot that day!) Kaleena rode with me while Samenti and Sharanya rode together. After getting to A&W we ordered our floats and curly fries (I had onion rings as usual) while Sharanya had waffles with ice cream, we sat down to another session of laughter and chatter. So after more laughter, giggles and talk we said our goodbyes and left at about 5 plus. I drove Kaleena back to One Utama and headed back for my alternative refuge. As ordinary as this may seem to some, I have to say that it was rather fulfilling for me and I enjoyed Saturday more than anything. Apart from meaning that it was enjoyable in the "lepak" mode, I felt that I had discovered a more relax part of my colleagues and for the first time, we weren't mere colleagues but we had become truly friends.