Me, Myself and Insanity

Sometimes i wonder,
If the only parts of my life are all errs and blunder,
Pain and sorrow engulf me,
My heart yearns a moment to be free,
But blinding pain is immortalized,
As rejection, betrayal and denial is realized,
False hope implicated,
More antagonizing moments these emotionscreated,
Every tear that streams by,
Resembles a singular lie,
That my heart has managed to deceive,
In failure to receive,
The only feeling my heart yearns for,
That one true love will come knocking on my door,
Yet only angst seems to come my way,
As i sit by pain, i pray,
Won’t fate sympathize,
Won’t god hear my desperate cries,
The endless tears I shed at night,
As I clutch my heart and and weep all my might,
So much pain has this heart endured,
Nothing in life had i allured,
Gone are the days of smiles and laughter,
Those are but a memory long after,
My life embodies what fate defies,
My heart gives life to what fate denies,
All of which i end in turmoil,
As my heart is toy played with and toiled,
I am nothing but a lifeless shell,
And you have heard a tale and all that it has to tell,
So now decide,
If god does abide,
To cries and prayers,
As i have waited an eternity in my lifeless years,
As baring my soul,
I let my tale unravel,
I allow it to unfold

Nights once veiled in obscurity,
Tainted from view and clarity,
Overshadowed from the glimpse of light,
Prescience of joy eluding sight,
As dusk settles,
The truth nettles,
Where the veils are lifted for a glimpse at the harrowing eyes,
Eyes that justice and joy denies,
Sorrow that brims from the eyelid,
Pride that seems worthy of a mere bid,
Destiny entwined with a meaningless existence,
Nothing to account for but mere presence,
Her tears brings storms of agony,
Her pains so many,
Yet, a pillar of strength she stands,
Her family through everything she defends,
A rose in a barren land,
She is the gentle hand,
Caress and hold,
Unflinchingly she molds,
Character and love,
The blessing from the stars above,
As the light slices through the dusky night,
The angst takes flight,
Twinkling stars clutter the now lit skies,
And destiny is defied……

"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend your right to say it anyway". Friends.
Loyalty, sincerity, compassion, exuberance and so many more criteria make up the ideal companion at any given time, a friend. I always believed that the basis to every existing relationship would have to be the combined efforts of both trust and loyalty. I chose the word loyalty instead of devotion as I found that devotion was a word that was too strong. Devotion called for support without question but that goes against the very principle of individuation. How is anyone supposed to conform to something without the slightest ounce of intrigue or even curiosity? Is a friend true when they require you to stand by their side even when you feel that what you are backing goes against the very nature of your beliefs?
How does friendship call for all this? Well, to me friendship is something that brings out the best in people. It brings out the differences in individuals and accentuates these deviations for every person is distinctive in their own natural way and it is more than wrong to expect them to compel to emotional bonds by suppresing their true individuality and most importantly, their conscience and conceptions. Friendship has been the bond that has held its respect true to my heart all this while. It requires the firm and unbinding commitment that we bestow upon it and never has demanded for more than we are able to give. This is quite the contrary with other relationships, including romantically insinuating ones.
But then again, the main question at hand would be what is the perfect friendship then? A person who’s always there to share your ups and downs? A person who knows your troubled by the mere sound of your voice or? A person who senses that you need them even without the slightest indication that you had thrown in their direction? I am more grateful than proud to say that I have friends such as these and never have I once felt like I was alone thanks to their constant care and reassurance. Never was I alone, with their continuous and unwavering faith and guidance. Everytime I shed a tear, every second that I was even remotely inflicted with pain, they were right there by my side to carress and soothe my injured self-esteem. But right there at that very moment I had found individuals who had held me close to their hearts and cared deeply for not only my well-being but most importantly my sanity and clarity of emotions.
I have no displeasure in saying that there have been people that surround me with the notion of being "friends" but then again all that they had wanted is an oppotunity to use me in their own favor. Well, being used isn’t something new to me but then again I had consoled myself that I had better and more worthy friends that I could always rely on. Friends that cared about me because they loved me as the individual that they had come to know and that they had seen grow over the years. One thing that I have realized with unbinding relationships especially ones that are bound by emotion but relent of all other forms of commitment, we find most of our friends drifting through time and space over the years leaving only bits of memoirs and reminiscence to filled the void in which their presence has left. It is truly difficult to watch them leave as you find a part of yourself torn apart as they leave, but then again that leaves more space for more friends.
The most beautiful miracles that I have found in life are the friends that I have both lost and earned throughout my life. I can’t even imagine a second without the very beings that so unselfishly and endearingly bestowed their time, thought and care for me. They are the family that I never had and they are the blessings that God chose to bless me with. No matter where they are, no matter what they do, no matter what happens through the course of time, all they have to do is think of me when they needed someone by their side, I will always be there. All it takes is a single thought in my direction and I will be there. A friend indeed is a friend there in need or otherwise too.
This is a little something that I feel I owe all the wonderful people that have so patiently and lovingly graced my life. These people have been more than wonderful in allowing me the chance to glimpse through their own lives. I love you guys and all that you have done for me. Your mere presence in my life has been the core of my existence and there is nothing more that I can say or do to tell you how much you guys mean the world to me.
1) The prefect board n PBSM n Eng Society n Recycling Campaign n every other association I had been a part of. (2001-2005)
2) SMKSJ and SKSSJ ( for your wonderful years of education)
3) Inti College Subang - for the wonderful year that I had,it was the best year of my life.
4) All the juniors that I have left behind to carry on our legacy. Our continous love and support will always be yours.
5) Last but not least, to my truest friends that I have come to know throughout my life:-
Sarah- my conscience
Naji- my fun factor
Joshi- my darling junior
Rakesh- a friend indeed
Yvonne- the adorable sweet girl
JP- my fav and darling "penolong"
Kiran- the voice of my intellectual reason
Jason- the sweetest guy i know
Syamin and Sara- class wud never have been the same without u guys
and for the people that i had not mentioned, my apologies but rest assured that u will forever hold a place on my heart….

Smiles and frowns,
Ups and downs,
Tears and laughter,
A story of before and after,
Life thats filled with these little miracles,
Of little trials and debacles,
The cherished moments spent in its presence,
Tributes and penance,
All of these make us human,
Though it may sound common,
These natural beauties are the magic that life bestows,
The morning that we awaken to the raven’s crows,
The night we embrace with a glimpse of the moon,
Just hoping that soon,
Life would bring another miracle to sight,
With this hope close to heart we kiss darkness goodnight,
Slipping into a night that falls with veils of shimmering dreams,
Flowing and weaving around us like soft colorful streams,
Heaven’s gates open and we ascend,
This is the magic that the night sends…..

I wonder if there was anyone else who has felt the things I’ve felt in my life. All the amazement that I have seen. All the pain and turmoil that I have encountered. Often I look at others and see that they seem as calm and blissful as ever. I perceived life in their eyes was a stroll in the garden, but then again, I asked myself, how often would someone else glance at me and arrive at that same notion? Often enough. The thing that I find is so spectacular about human emotions is that no matter how hurtful, painful or agonizing it is, with sufficient will power and determination, even that is successfully repressed. Now, I wonder, though privacy in regards to emotions are typically essential to every human being, how necessary is it really? And is it really healthy to suppress something so significant to our entire subjective and collective self?
I have had moments of agony where, internally I was torn and twisted into irreplicable knots. Worst still, I had found myself desolute of hope and wondering around like a barren land void of hope. But yet, inexplicaly, I had found it in myself, to completely repress these harrowing emotions and smile and laugh as if nothing had ever occured to daunt me in the least. I can recall that day as if it had just passed moments ago. I had laughed jovially, joked, went about my routine as normally as ever and not an ounce of difference was detectable. I had to admit the facade was simply ingenious (even if I do say so myself) but the formidable issue of this entire self-discovering affair was that I was completely oblivios to my angst at the time of my little charade. I had completely forgotten about somethig so plaguing within a matter of sinking into the character I had moulded myself into! No doubt that the event was magnanimous to me, but how is it that something so eventful was capable of being overshadowed by something so trivial?
This brought me to question the mannerism in which we successfully manage to not only repress but push and bury such heart ripping pain. To completely push these significant matters into the unconscious or sub-conscious part of our mind in order to project or potray and image of normality or even perfection. Imagine how people live their lives. I am sure that I am not alone in this world when I claim to using this mannerism in dealing with matters that truly wrench me. Unable to cope or face certain predicaments, I either shun it out of myself or I supress and contain all emotion and thought relating to it.
So just imagine how many individuals walk around as casual and normal as every other person but at night they shudder and cry their eyes and hearts out. I have seen individuals who wear their hearts on their sleeves. What do I mean? Simple. These are the people who shed a tear for the slightest issue, they seem frenzied and neurotic. Always troubled and basically their emotions are a wave pattern. Both bad and good occasions are clearly emotionally depicted in their very facial expressions and they are neither afraid nor reserved in showing these emotions, in fact, they find great pride in flaunting it. So now we start asking, are these people for real? It seems a little dubious but yes, these people thrive on the attention their unseemingly shameless display or parade of emotions garners. Its not really as pathetic as it seems, in fact, to most people these are the people that you could say are emotionally honest to both themselves than most people are.
I have to admit for a while I was amongst those who would be classified as an emotional liar or in politer terms, emotionally restrained [this is to salvage the remains of the massacre my brutal honesty has imposed upon my self esteem so pardon the pun ] I won’t say that I am more open with my emotions than I was before as that would be a lie, but instead I chose to mediate my frustrations to other means then suppression. Whenever I felt oppressed or the sudden surge of anger that once in a while rears its ugly head from god knows where, I retreat to my silent corner for some silent moments to sort my head out. Bear in mind that any annoyance or interruption in any forms during my realization period would most certainly end in disastrous outcomes and ermm, severe penalties. I don’t wear my emotions out front as I am a character that prefers the subtility of my emotions to be safeguarded. I live on privacy and I thrive on it. I go by the principal, "Share your joy all around, but share your pain only with your conscience" so getting me to splurge out a wave of tears about how pathetic my life has coursed out to be is highly something that the forces of nature will reckon with
But I have to say that despite all my flaws and my secret hidden wonderings.. (trust me, I have nothing more than thoughts that plague not my curiosity but reasoning) and more importantly my limited display of negative emotions, I am a person that is truly satisfied with who I am and what I have turned out to be. I have learnt to accept and forgive, move on and live hard. I hang on to the instinctual moments of importance and let go of all hindrance and today I stand as an individual with both flaws and qualities that I am honestly ashamed and proud of ( honestly now, people who tell me that they’re proud of their flaws definately need to get their heads checked, hello! people! their called FLAWS for a reason!) but most of all at the end of the day when I face judgment I can claim satisfaction in who I am, but most importantly I can do so honestly.