Me, Myself and Insanity

There are moments in life where I simply wish I could undo somethings or redo some of the times of my life. But specifically if I was granted one wish it would have been to be able to go back in time and tell myself to wait. Just wait. Have a little faith and patience and all good things will come my way. Don’t let fear and intimidation be the factor in my decision and don’t let the notion that I’m not good enough intervene to make things the quandary that has now manifested itself into. Things in life seem so complicated especially when it involves the matters of the heart. They somehow manage to entangle and enfrustrate my poor sound sense of judgment making my existence as miserable as can be. I have struggled and fought through a life wrought with misguided notions, misinterpreted responses and moreover, miscontrued preconceptions that have turned my tiny little world into a frenzy that I had least expectated. The one soul that I so longingly yearned for now seems utterly void in existence and the one person that I believed would provide me with the happiness that I so desperately yearned for has deserted me in times of despair. I remember those moments where I would like on the bed in a pool of tears virtually crying my eyes out for days and days. Those memories still jerk some strangulated fixation of emotions in the pit of my stomach till this very day. Telling myself very bravely that I have surpassed all the anxieties and the mishaps of my pass day after day after day, today I’ve decided that for one single day, I shall be honest to my feelings and to myself. I haven’t completely overcome my angst. If I had, I would not feel like crying everytime I recall those bitter incidents, I would not feel like my heart was ripped out of me everytime the notion that I had lost you for good comes to play in my mind, I would not feel like an outcast in my own body whenever I recall that you HAD liked me at one point of time but that time had faded with the passing of the clouds. Painful yet utterly and horrifyingly true to the bone. The chilling truth manages to slip through my skin and chill the very agony and pain, infusing it with each beat my heart makes and each breathe that my lungs inhale. Every piercing thought that surrounds you is a vast sea of devastation in my eyes and heart making me blind to life and numb to emotion. I am but a zombie.
But then again, if I am, how is it that I can appreciate? How is it that I have chosen to live instead of succumbing to despair and frustration? So many questions brew inside me like a churning storm waiting to unleash its wrath against all whom have wronged me. Why all this pain and suffering? Are these petty little insinuations worth this much frustration and fretting over? How is it that I manage to sneer in the faces of these notions and yet face adversity when it comes to facing these notions with me in the spotlight? Again and again, the deeper I delved the questions I unearthed rather than answers.
It was at this realization point that reality hit with a sickening thud. There was no getting out from this pit of everlasting despair. They only way around it was to confront it and to move on with life accepting the harsh impact of that each confrontation so sorely left. My insatiable thirst for answers and my hunger for solutions drove me to the brink of obsession. But as I hit this danger point, I found one factor that linked them all. Me. Everything seemed to revolve around me, myself and I.
There was not another notion or thought that surrounded anything else but the subject of me. I realized that I had hit an all time low point. Without realizing, I had become self obsessed and shamedly selfish. Why should I have all the answers? Aren’t the greatest mysteries in life beautiful because they are mysteries? I found the courage at that point to let go and leave with a heavy heart but a clear conscience. Answers will come in time and solutions will be derived from all our thoughts befitting our situation. All that we need to contribute would be the selfless act of being patient and allowing this process its natural course of time instead of banging down its door at every given moment. This I believe is one of the greatest lessons life has to offer.

Memories come flowing back like the silky river,
As the pearly tear drops glisten silver,
A smile brings light,
A warm comfort in the cold starry night,
A dream that never was,
All hope that remained a sorrowful loss,
A reach I never grasped,
A palm that never clasped,
A story remains untold,
A tale that has a long way to unfold,
A sob that never came,
An unplayed game,
This is a tale of what should have happened but never did,
This is a story of what might have but fate hid,
Truth never surfaced,
A realization never embraced,
Living a dream,
Foolish as it may seem,
But may heart and soul it carries,
My sorrows and pain in its presence it buries,
I close my eyes for only this thought,
This single feeling that my heart so desperately sought,
You live an eternity in my heart,
And nothing can tear u from my soul,
Nothing can tear you apart,
From me,
As I believe you are my destiny…….

"Fleeting thoughts that brush past like the wind awaken senses of sorrow from deep within".
These words define the nature of what I used to feel as life. Pain, turmoil and devastation was how I viewed life to be. Null of all the simple pleasures that childhood seemed ladden with; adolescence seemed to me like a barren land of asphyxiating guilt. Every turn seemed to depict a face of horror as if to mock and ridicule my thoughts, it was like stepping into a world of complexity armed with only an arms knowledge. Feeling foolish and petty, those with superiority championed and trampled upon those that differred and felt inferior with ease. I watched as the world that I held close to my hearty flew by like a notion in the winds.
It took me awhile to embrace this sullen truth but as the reality slowly sank in, my eyes and heart opened to another realm of possibilities. One that I had shut a long time ago, forbidding myself of any indulgence and any inquisition in its nature. Never being a good judge of character in terms of emotion, I allowed my petty enticements to seduce my practicality. Detrimental, I must say. It hurt me beyond believe and altered my apprehension of things in a great magnitude. I have to admit that like the saying, every cloud has its silver lining, so did this. I made a miraculous recovery but I discovered something more precious in the process.
Myself. For the first time in my life, I realized how fragile I was. I had protected and shielded myself from the reality of these issues that when it came knocking on my door, I was dumbfounded at understanding or even comprehending the basis of it. And all that this is, is simple basic human emotion and intuition. I embalmed myself with a naivety that had entombed me in an existence of denial. And it was during this grieving period that I realized that if I was ever going to regain myself and my self worth in any way it was if I free myself of this naivety and denial and start looking at life and its many obstacles with as much wisdom and courage as possible.
I begin looking at things from different perspectives. I re-evaluated my life and realized all the things that I have misconstrued all these times. Taking bonds and ties for granted I held myself in such high contempt that I had neglected the true gems in my life. This part of my life served not only as a reflection and a search for answers but also as a revelation and a discovery at the deep connections that I had possessed but never utilized to my or anyone else’s benefit. I had nearly outcasted a jewel that had shone from the depths of my soul so brightly without even me noticing. It was the beauty of the wrongdoing. It was the retribution that had opened my eyes to the insanely justified manner in how the situation had turned to manifest itself. I was astonished at how much I had discovered about myself.
I uncovered a part of sensuality that was awakened not from a physical basis but from an emotional and spiritual foundation that paved the way to an intellectual formation. I was overwhelmed but nevertheless, grateful to the ends of my soul. That is why whenever anyone asks me what is the greatest gift that life has to offer, my answer most immediately is, the chance to live itself. The ability to endure the harrowing possiblities, turmoils and emotional frustrations at the same time look back and smile at all those past obstacles that now seem so distant and minute is the wonderful gift that life offers, a chance to live.

Another Valentines has come to pass but of all the changes that time brings in its undue course, one thing ironically never changes, the single status on this event. Now, although it isn’t all that great (as the whole world has come to universally acknowledge) I have to say that I don’t quite agree that it is all that "painful" to be single on this particular day. I mean apart from the natural heavy blow to the ego (especially if you’re one accustomed to living life on the fast lane, so to speak) this is one blow that really knocks the wind out of you. But one thing I have grown to understand about Valentines Day is the nature of the celebration itself. Its a honest and beautiful occasion that thrives on the survival of love all around.
As this is my blog, I see no reason to fib my way through the harshest particles of life. I was a little downcasted as the host of enquiries were showered in every direction indicating moreover that I was all alone. I mean, it was like wearing a singles tag pasted on my forehead. Pretty disturbing emotions and notions were running through my mind at one point as I even contemplated the possibility to subjecting myself to a blind date. Yes, its true!! But the second such a thought flashed across my mind I found my emotional (and logical to some extent) quotient, gripping me by the shoulders and shaking the common sense out of me! What was I even thinking?! To even have such a thought would indicate some sense of insecurity and for all the principles that I stood by would be shattered in the blink of an eye.
A tiny sob formulated within me and tried to edge its way out. Having no inkling how, I suppressed it and stared back up at the vacant ceiling pondering upon my forlorn fate. Its not that I have to be single, then why am I? Somehow I knew the answers were pretty much self explanatory but hearing them voiced out was in a way soothing. Sanity and comfort came back to enclothe my senses with a sense of compassion.
One word pretty much summed up all that I dearly needed to know that day. Family. I don’t just mean family that surround us everyday with their presence but the family that we hold close to heart (including our dearest friends). When we despair they stroke our pained hearts, when we fear they soothe us with tranquility, when we cry they brush away our tears and when we hurt they hurt just by watching us. Now these beautiful people that share so much of our pain deserve more than their worth to enjoy the joy and happiness that we do as well.
The minute this reasoning came knocking on my door, I realized how foolish I was to be even in the least upset by the notion of being alone. I never was, have or am alone as long as I have them with me and their simple memories and love is enough to carry me through a million Valentines, wedding gatherings, celebrated love or couples parties all my life for I don’t need a man to make me feel whole, I am whole, with the very beings that have made me who I am. I am strong with them, by them and for them for they are me. My very essence and soul. They are my family. Happy Valentines, my beautiful family, u guys, love ya loadz!!!

A carpet of grey skies,
Glum and moodiness meet my eyes,
The birds seem saddened,
The flowers droop as if burdened,
The garden is enveloped in sorrow,
But yet tomorrow,
I see the skies turning blue,
The leaves shining with misty dew,
Flowers bloom with colors of exuberance,
Listening to the birds singing in turns,
A tomorrow that I see,
In that day I see me,
Wishing that it would arrive sooner,
Every second I glance at the clock in the corner,
Ticking away for my tomorrow,
A day where my heart will glow,
For angels coming knocking,
And the boughs on the trees start rocking,
Gently to the sway of the wind,
As a story of beauty is to begin,
Tomorrow comes,
Sweet cherry blossom plums,
Tomorrow is here,
Angel is near….

Welcomed by a dark morning,
No birds chirruping or singing,
An emptiness that seems so close,
Painfully from discomfort I arose,
The creeping sun peeks,
The color that once faded from my cheeks,
Makes a slow return,
Lessons honestly now I learn,
As the mist clears,
As the light of morning slowly nears,
The emptiness fades,
Bringing colors in many shades,
Smiles show,
As words flow,
A rhythm that never ends,
A message of endurance it sends,
The morning comes,
So many memories it sums,
The morning comes,
Along with it pain numbs,
The morning comes…..

Our mind takes us back to old times,
I smile at all these thoughts sometimes,
With every inch of my lips that carve a smile,
Memories flush through in a pile,
The sweet smelling winds of yesteryear,
Those moments swirl by so near,
Its almost as if I can grasp its existence,
In it I have found life and penance,
The sugary taste of sharing,
When we all were together in moments we spent caring,
Dancing in the light of rain,
Ignorant to our blistering pain,
Like soldiers we marched on,
We were medals that brightly shone,
Inseparable is what we define,
With us there was never a yours nor mine,
Lessons learnt had never this much joy,
We would laugh, tease, play and toy,
The lesson of the class was not from a book,
But what we learnt from how much it took,
To hold onto what one another,
Never letting go of neither,
Laughter and chatter that followed,
As we walked hand in hand down the red brick road,
The tender feeling of belonging,
The conforting notion of knowing,
Wraps the heart with security like no other,
Without all this a fate I shudder,
Such a blessing, such a treasure,
Priceless beyond measure,
A bounty I will carry till my last breath,
A jewel that will accompany me to the doorsteps of death….
This is a little tribute to the Prefectorial Board of 04/05, PBSM 04/05, the Debate team 04/05, Eng Society 04/05, Pn. Khoo’s lit class, CYA 04/05 the Kem Kepimpinan forerunners 04, and all other activities that we foreran together hand in hand (too many to list guys….) I know this isn’t much, but as we all diverge into our separate ways, I just wanted to cast out a little reminder that we may lose touch and we may also never see each other again, God forbid. But always bear in mind that there is one thing that you will always have, and that is the memory of those beautiful and wonderful times we shared together. These are things that will never fade in time nor ever fade from our lives. So hold on to these cherished gems for the rest of your lives and you will never be lonely for every soul you had shared your past with, lives on in your heart, soul and memory.Thank you for the enjoyable moments we’ve shared! Take care guyz and I love ya loadz!

It sure has been a while since I last blogged. Well, it sure has been an excruciatingly exhausting month and I definately can’t wait for a break (even for a day) to come along. Life sure has taken a melodramatic toll and the days are filled with mundane, routined schedules making my nerves fry till they sizzle. I have been thinking a lot of all the changes that have been occuring and well, this little self-analysis (thank you personality psychology class) has provided me with a rather disturbing discovery. I HAVE changed. Its not that I am being negative about the changes that have occured or anything, but well, having always sworn that I will never again allow anyone or anything to change my judgment or personality for that matter, I am one individual who seems to have taken the 180 in life. I mean, I have friends who ask me, who are you?
Being the wacky, nonchalant, happy-go-lucky individual, life has never been anything but icing on the cake. Or so people think. My life is quite the contrary, though I will have to admit, that I have been rather carefree and not really responsible before, I have one thing in my defence, how do you become mature if you’re never at all immature? I had to go from point A to point B. Besides, being the oldest in the family, I rarely got any childhood that tickled my memory, always having to set a good example, always having to be the perfect child, always having to live up to expectations and others’ dreams. I suppose I spent the first 12 years of my life pleasing all those around me apart from myself. Then came in the adolescent rebellion that really shook the foundations of my household, so to speak.
I suppose always being shunted to one side because I rarely needed much caring for, being the quiet and reserved kind, I suppose my rebellion was more a cry for attention than anything else. But after a hell of a teenage and a year of college life (which was a hell of an eye opener by the way) I settled down to a more subtle and responsible as well as mature lifestyle at the moment. I won’t say that it is at all relaxed as it is quite the contrary, but I would say, this lifestyle I lead now, as mundane and banal as it may seem to the common folk that stroll my college grounds, it remains a life that enables me to sleep with a guilt-free conscience every night. This is something I truly pride upon as not many individuals can claim to possess such a distinct blessing. Having experienced life on both sides I suppose I see the bigger and better picture now.
I have absolutely no regrets about my past and I wouldn’t change even the slightest detail (now u know this is a petty lie at this point, but heck who doesn’t tell white lies for self-comfort?) in it. I cherish every moment that went by and I appraise every bit of it. For I wouldn’t be who I am and I wouldn’t be what I am today if it weren’t for this distinct history of mine. But now moving to the unchartered waters of my depressing existence (excuse the drama, its been a LONG week) I have finally found myself sunken into a stupor of a droid-like existence. Living on a tight schedule (yes, tight, I’m down to the minute precise) as my travelling hours are pretty hefty, plus assignments and tasks are bound to my shoulders like boulders, life does take its toll on the zestful part of our passion. It may seem that I have lost the essence that truly made me, me. But of course I haven’t.
I spend countless times repeating myself to concerned friends and old acquaintances that I have not changed at all. I still possess the same mischief, annoying and also fun nature that once so prominently shone from my mere presence. I still have all those innate qualities within me, only I have chosen to embed them a teensy bit further into my heart to allow a new kind of trait to surface for a while. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not schizophrenic or anything, but I’m just trying out different aspects of my life and trying to accomadate all that comes forth with the best possible approach and characteristical criteria that I possess.
I have learnt numerous lessons within the 19 years of my life. I’m not talking of critical skills or anything. Just basic emotional skills. Understanding, empathizing, sympathizing, distinguishing, embracing and realizing. Well, to be honest the list can go on and on and on, but lets not drone on that for too long. The point here is that what ever that life has thrown my way has not changed me but helped mould me.It has refined my character and helped me recognize those embedded factors of myself that I never knew existed. Most importantly, it helped me discover a part of me that simply amazes me, for I never knew I had neither the audacity nor the courage to seek. I am strong. Yes, after all that I have been through (which is not really my fault to shoulder here, and no I’m not living in denial) I have managed to get up and clamber up the mountain of success once again. I’m not at the peak yet but I sure am reaching. It has not been an easy journey, tears, cries, loss and well, heart-wrenching moments, all come and gone but one thing remains with me from start till end, my memories. They never fade, die or leave. They remind us of what we are now and they allow us to keep ourselves at out toes. They show us what we’ve lost and they inspire us to fight to reclaim our deserving tributes and for this I would have to say, memories are truly our greatest gift…..