Me, Myself and Insanity

Fate can indeed be cruel. Just when you think that you have secured some sense of integrity, clinging on to the last, remaining strands of hope, you find that they snap right within sight. The one thing that you had been so desperately holding on to, the oxygen that filled your lungs every morning to keep you going, the one thing that you knew you could never have yet the possibility of it always being there just ripped out from the depths of your heart in the blink of an eye. Its not only heart-wrenching but also truly devastating. For the essence that you had been so endearingly been holding onto becames void and now hope is replaced with nothingness. Despair hits hard at our hearts bringing conscience down with a tumbling fall, as everything seems destitute.
Why do such things happen? Why do things that seem so trivial bring so much agony? Denial that once helped now seems to provide no much than an inkling of comfort. All new beginnings and cherished memories that I held close to my heart comes crumbling down along with my heartfelt moments and notions. It hurts. It truly does. How do I face this dilemma? How do I awaken from it? Everything seems more likely to end that to ever grace my life with a beginning of something beautiful. This is the face of sorrow. Tears of angst and emotions of burdenful turmoil.
This was how I perceived a rather disturbing discovery recently. Condemning all that I had fought so hard for, I finally realized that what little hope that I had embedded within my heart that grew into a mountain of courage that has supplemented me with the courage to face these adversities at this phase of life has now left me. Deserted and null of all anticipation, joy and hope, I found life in the very least empty. I felt like there was no point waking up today as I knew that the tomorrow that I dreamt of would never come. Painful and yet, fruitless. I stared at my own reflection in the mirror that morning with desperation. Who had said that resilience pays off? Which fool had notioned that determination has its rewards? Words of wisdom derived from situations that differed from mine surely.
Then it hit me. The truth struck me like a bolt of lightning, sending a realization that burnt all conspicuos thought within me like a brushfire. So what if you are gone? So what if life has taken away the one thing that I truly desired? Look at how much I have accomplished bearing just the very thought of you as an inspiration. Just imagine the lengths to which I have relentlessly resorted to with just your memories as my driving force. Spectacularity and amazement hit me like a ton of bricks. I may have lost my destination but I still have the journey to go on with. A destination can be a place that resides deep within our heart and soul, but the journey can be travelled with that imagination burning its pace at every step of the way.
I finally realized what life had meant. The saying that God always opens a door when he has closes another may have worked for some, but to me it has no significance in truth. God closed a door in an attempt of shutting us from the otherside and as blissful as it may have been, the fact that we go on, trying to unlock that door, consistently and persistently, believing and holding on to the sole belief that one day it will unlock itself, is what life tells us. Look deep within you for the inspiration, although your destination has faded from within your sight, look back to your journey and use that to fuel your spirits into searching for your destination. That is what life is, and that is what we all have. Hope and a journey.

Words that pour from the depths of truth,
Presence that both comfort and soothe,
A life that fills up with possibilities,
One that defies all logic and realities,
I live in a world of dreams,
Wondering what a life of eternal bliss seems,
Visions of laughter and smiles,
And with the joy and miracles that piles,
In the every blooming chapter of our lives,
The meaning of happiness is what it derives,
The tender feeling of touch,
A dream of this kind and many more such,
Beautiful, simple, sweet memories,
A blanket of love sweeps by like the sweet smelling breeze,
A look of love deep within your eyes,
Sends all me tears, fears and cries,
Deep into the abyss of no return,
My angst and worries to ashes burn,
With a single word of kindness that escapes your lips,
My skin feeling reality’s call back with tiny nips,
But even then my skin is oblivious to the pain,
As every trickle of blood that passes through every vein,
Whispers your name,
And every heart beat of mine says the same,
You may never glance my way,
A word to me you may never say,
But I will remain here forever,
For I am a tie that cannot sever,
Bound by eternal devotion,
I am tied by emotion, passion and compassion,
One that is untainted and pure,
Any lengths of pain it can thus endure,
So never will I fade,
And goodbye is something I will never bade….

Optimistic. Vivacious. Vibrant. Words that relate so accurately to my personality. At one point of time. Carefree and full of enthusiasm with never an inkling to what the word dilemma or even predicament ever meant. A childlike naivety and bliss was what I was blessed with. A gift bestowed upon me for reasons I could not and still cannot comprehend. A gift that faded, slowly but surely in the passing of time. A year of awakening and a soul that has gone through phase after phase, waking to a rebirth from a life filled to the brim with a myriad of emotional turmoil and conundrums. The reincarnation of this entity has brought forth an understanding and an amaranthine of appreciation to the beautiful souls that God has so graciously bequethed upon me.
A new year brings with it new possibilities and hopes. Replenishing the heart with fresh joy and happiness, I found new meaning in the word life. I squint at the life ahead as much anticipation and prescience. Being the bubbly and spirited girl that I am, I was never one that worried about intellectuality or emotional intelligence, and most ironically, the choice of my occupational field is psychology much to the chagrin of my parents. But now, as revolution as much as evolution has stirred a whirlwind of cognizance that tugged at my heart strings and nudged my conscience. I began to reflect and ponder upon issues that never once captivated my interest in the slightest. Teens that were rebellious, the puppy love age, the teen anxiety and of course peer pressure, what triggered all these devastating circumstances?
I began questioning the way the world works and more importantly I began cogenting why it works in such an aggrieving manner? After enduring my own life altering, or rather, path altering situations, I began searching for an insight into why we differ with such magnanimous results and all the consequences that follow. Our actions being the aftermath of self-reasoning and contemplation, I began wondering why do people placed in the same crisis respond to the issue at hand differently. Moreover, I wondered deeper beyond the realms of life and was completely taking a turn into a the morbid dimension of the after life. My fascination branched out and curiosity began digging deeper into every inch of my soul burying its inquisitive nature deep within every instinct, notion and perception.
I became a changed person. My realization and awakening brought forth not only a sense of intrigue and due admiration, but it painted a picture of beauty to me in the sense of gratitude. As I looked around me for the first time in my life, I saw all that I had. Blessings, love, cherished moments and memories, guidance and support and a never ending relationship filled with care and continual adoration. Something that no other relationship, individual or any other circumstance could bring.
To have such perception and to have such a gem land in your lap, brought streams of tears to my eyes. I began reminiscing about all those times that I have felt alone and abandoned and all those moments that I have felt blatantly deserted and took out my angst upon those who have always been there. Blaming them for an abrocation that never was. The dawning of my comprehension gave my sight into how blind I really was. Seeking aid for those who misguided me when I was blind to the compassion and auspices that was so readily present. Turning to others for attention and comfort when I was already blessed with such a benediction. The moments that I have spent shedding tears over my idiocy still visualizes within sight as I do believe that this is one impact that defied all others. This memory is embedded within every nerve, blood and tear of my entire existence. It is immortalized within my soul.
Soul-searching like so many other individuals seek is not something that can be found or attained. This is something that has to be unearthed. It isn’t as easy as one may assume as we will encounter our worst enemies in the never-ending journey of self-discovery. Ourselves. We have to embrace ourselves to face our demons from within and of course the worst part, accept them as they are us in nature and in truth. The ugliness of oneself is the harshest possible truth that we can encounter and the detriments of a confrontation of this magnitude can bring about dire consequences. Nevertheless, we will also have to encompass parts of ourselves that escaped our notice and learn to comprehend them all the same. To find ones soul is not dependent upon the effort taken to search for it, for this is something that cannot be found. It has to be unearthed. Our true nature and abilities underline our intellectual, spiritual, mental, physical and all other dimensions of ourselves. And it resides nowhere else but within us. It all depends whether we have instilled enough courage to exhume it from the depths of our heart, mind and soul. Fight, find and feel it for no one can understand us till we can.

It is that time of the year and everyone is making their own little trip down the memory lane. Bitter sweet memories wash over us like a tidal wave, overwhelming us with emotion and sentiments that remains priceless. As the year draws to an end, we find ourselves reminiscing about the past and wondering about the future. Moments that we wish we could rewind or undo seconds that we wish had never occurred and those tiny bits of memoirs that we wish that we could hold onto for the rest of our lives. All these make up the year that we had so restlessly anticipated exactly 365 days ago. Time flies when you’re having fun and as the saying goes but life is never a box of chocolates nor is it a stroll in the park. It’s almost always filled with fragments of pain infused within it and of course there is no denying the happiness and joys that lace our existence.
I have had a beautiful year. Regardless of the pain and misery that had come to embellish it, I have truly learnt a lot from this year in particular. I have grown and I have acquired not intelligence but rather I have been bestowed with wisdom. As they say, there are things that only life can teach which cannot be derived from a mere text book, and I have had the incredible opportunity of realizing this saying hands on. There are so many things that I have learnt that I do not know and may never know but there is one thing that I lucubrated, that is no matter what, perseverance comes easy when you bear in mind the loved ones that we live for. Many a times, I have coiled at the distaste for life itself, and truthfully I shudder to think of the consequence had I not dutifully pondered about my filial responsibilities. There were times that I truly wished I could simply resign this fate and take the easy way out of escaping this emotional whirlwind that was tearing me apart from the inside
My life fraught with complications placed me in a constant state of imbroglio. Mind at wreaking havoc, heart constantly enduring upheavals and despairs added on with a conscience and soul that was as unsettled as an ocean caught in a storm. I underwent many emotional challenging moments that virtually rendered me helpless and for the first time, it dawned on me that the protected and sheltered life that I had been blessed with had become the very reason for my social misjudgments and errs. Unable to interpret situations and actions, I took the most naive approach at life and the world only to receive the cruelest shocks that shook the very foundations of my beliefs.
Needless to say, I was left in a complete muddle over things and being the introvert that I am when it came to matters of the mind and heart, I was more than resolute to dictate my own moves and restrict my burdens to myself. Not the wisest of moves, you may think, but I am brought up in a family where the word conservative is defined quite differently. On the outlook, we may be as modern as any other forward thinking family, but truly, we are as traditional and rooted to our moral upbringing and culture as any other family. Not that this is a bad thing, for I am proud and glad that my family has blessed me with such knowledge about my background and culture for these are aspects that really do color and individual and give them a certain distinctive virtue.
But there was one drawback that came with this virtuous trait, the lack of liberality. My parents were sticklers for the “R & R”. In my case it isn’t a joyous case Rest and Relaxation but rather quite the contrary of Rules and Regulations. I don’t blame them as they now live in a world that the most despicable acts are committed right next door! (Figure of speech mind you, my neighbors are neither criminals nor perverts) But then again, how is a girl supposed to find her way around life if she’s molly coddled at every turn? I think my predicament is now slightly clearer to those who thought my life was a bed of roses. Though I do have my complaints and my frets, (like all other teenagers do), I learnt through experience that they want the best for us and all that they bear in mind is our safety and happiness. Sometimes, they may go about it the wrong way, as the environment that they were brought up in was a lot more conservative than ours, making them rather rigid about their life, but all this aside, their intentions are as noble as ever. And for this sole reason, I love them beyond the depths of my soul.
Apart from the invaluable precedents that have equipped me so efficiently with such blossoming love and gratitude towards my parents I had my fair share of pain to deal with. Yes, that’s right. Adolescence strikes again and this time I was really shattered by the state of affairs that were pelting on me like a hailstorm. I found myself in a world that was parallel to mine yet completely alien to all that I knew and thought I knew. No knowledge of physics or general knowledge was applicable in the presence of teen angst. I mean, ask Albert Einstein to interpret a teenager’s thoughts and I think even he’d go bonkers by the end of the day. After numerous shady, jilting, heart-wrenching and emotionally shaking events, I finally threw my hands up and waved the white flag. Feeling pretty much shattered in all aspects I turned to look back at year when my emotional life to a leaping soar and a dive down the cliffs all at the same time. Disastrous? Pretty much. Yet, I did learn something remarkable though (I always do), never be too hasty when it comes to matters of the heart. Take as long as you like and never succumb to peer pressure. Just because your friends have boyfriends doesn’t mean that you’re ready even though you think you are.
I have to say, I am pretty astonished as how I reflect upon how much I have grown as an individual. Not only as a girl embracing the world, but as a human being on terms of intellect and as well as wisdom. I attained 20 years worth of wisdom in a year. It took a lot of pain and many more gripping moments in my life, but well, life goes on. And though running away is never an option, I started afresh. With new prospects and resolutions, I look forward to a new year with much anticipation and enthusiasm as I kiss goodbye a beautiful year of sorrow and bliss. I shed a tear for the time that has passed and as the year brushes past me, I feel blanketed by the security that the tears and pain that I had endured, was a gem in the making. A priceless treasure.