Me, Myself and Insanity

For All That's Gone

2011-11-07T22:03:00.003+08:00

The gentle breeze caresses her face,

But no comfort cushions this fall from grace,

Warm comfort that has turned to embers of despair,

Vanished is her love, happiness and care,

A blemish that has turned into a scar,

True happiness is but a distant memory, a memory afar,

The breeze rustles the leaves the speak of a suffering that no eye sees,

The flowers hear the muted pleas,

A storm has ripped Eden apart,

Where does a soul turn to, without a heart,

Limp, lost, blind and destitute of emotion,

The only source of inspiration and comfort, exists in desertion,

The leaves tremble in the light of day,

She quivers when light is at bay,

The darkness brings solitude that reflects her future,

The chill of the night reminds her of past torture,

Tears trickle down the familiar cheeks,

Leaving invisibly permanent streaks,

The pain that sears from tip till depth,

Of staring straight into the destruction of death,

And realizing He's stolen your past, broken your present and buried your future,

What happened to the perfect portrait, that everlasting picture,

Its ripped beyond repair,

Darkness embraces her with perfect cold destruction, mocking her anguished prayer,

Hands that clapped her back have imprinted her skin,

Discarded by friends and family akin,

Whispers of the devil urge her to ease her pain,

'Your heart broken, existense forsaken, hopes slain'

What more could life offer you but more lavish disappointments and richness in dejection,

So much anxiety, so much desolation, so much rejection,

Could he perhaps be right, she wondered,

Her mind drifted,

Fate tempting her soul with reunions that spoke of hope and love she so desperately sought,

Sanity and conscience fought,

But beckoned in behind the veil of darkness was a glimmer of love and compassion,

In her moment of desperation,

She reached out for the familiar warm embrace that had unflinchingly secured her for years,

She wanted to touch the hand that had valiantly wiped her fears,

The face that had spelled love through every glimpse and glance,

Memories of joy flooded her heart, laughter, music, dance,

All that they had shared together,

Her love eternal, her memories forever,

Her face wet and salty she lowered her arm,

How could she kill the hope that had filled that heart, how could she cause it harm,

Her heart yearned to be comforted by that familiarity,

But her mind told her, she had obligations, a family,

Her skin burned to feel the warmth that had given strength,

To look into eyes that spoke of love in unmeasurable depth and length,

Bleak as everything seemed, she had to hold on for the single hope that her love had perished for,

She was not blessed yet to walk through that door,

Her heart, skin, eyes and soul may yearn for love,

But she knew that if he was watching from above,

He would live her pain, he would feel every morsel of anguish, he would sense every laceration,

No, she couldn't, her desires cannot match her devotion,

She had built a future with him in her heart,

And even if fate has ripped her apart,

He will exist within her,

He will remain near,

He will fill her lungs, run through her veins and beat with her heart,

He was her start,

And even death will not do them part.

I didn't have the strength all this time to write. I still can't say more than what's written above as I've pretty much obliterated all the emotional will I had left. So the proper written aspect will have to wait I suppose.

Nonetheless, I will always have the strength to say, I love you papa. Deeply, truly and endlessly.

Gone So Long

2011-05-30T00:20:00.006+08:00

Shadows climb through the doors of dusk,

The damp, wet musk,

Tear stained pillows,

The cold sting breeze drifting through the weeping willows,

Holding onto the cold blanket,

My heart I wish you left uncut,

You're so far away,

You've gone your own way,

So far away,

You chose not to stay,

You've gone for so long,

Where do I belong,

I'm still waiting,

I'm still hurting

It trickles down my fingers,

The pain it reflects and lingers,

Smeared across my cheek,

I'm cold, wet, dry, bleak,

Left unbroken,

When all is forsaken,

You're so far away,

You've gone your own way,

So far away,

You chose not to stay,

I'm lost and lonely,

Set me free,

I'm still waiting,

I'm burning

Moist drops fill my ankles,

The skin on my finger wrinkles,

My hair cling to my neck,

The last wreck,

Water fills me, blanketing, soothing, comforting,

The cold piercing my skin,

Each sting brings you back to me,

How can this be,

You're so far away,

You've gone your own way,

So far away,

You chose not to stay,

Why would you,

Love you is all I could do,

I'm still waiting,

I'm dying

It burns from the inside,

Nowhere to hide,

I can't breathe,

Enveloping me in a sheathe,

Darkness dawns,

Endlessness fawns,

It ends never,

You live forever

I'm still waiting,

Its never ending....

Runaway

2011-04-28T22:16:00.002+08:00

My hopes lay ashen,

My dreams scattered, broken,

I would run away,

I would pray,

I would cry,

I would die,

But nothing brings you back,

Nothing turns my heart white from black,

How do I stop falling in love with you,

How would you,

I would run away,

I would find another day,

I would cry,

I would die,

Who would pick these pieces,

Who would wait till this pain ceases,

Its torn, its broke, its gone,

Its over, its finished, its done.

Where would I turn,

When my heart burns,

The tears flow,

The pain grows,

Where do I run,

I'm broken,

Where do I fly,

As I die,

On the inside,

How do I hide,

The pain of this love,

A curse blessed from above,

My end,

Its godsend.......

A New One

2011-01-02T00:30:00.000+08:00

Another year has come to pass... All the dreaded sorrows and the yearned joys were savored with enthusiasm and despair alike. Life or rather, fate has been kind. I've been blessed beyond all that I had anticipated. Looking back at the cards that I'd been dealt with, I wondered if moving forward would ever be possible... Now I wonder what I would have done if I hadn't pushed forward. In essence, I suppose life is a testament of our endurance and our faith in ourselves. I'm glad I didn't give up. But the credit of this perseverance is not mine to claim alone as I owe it to my family and friends. The very people who made 2010 an experience in entirety.

Trials and tribulations have always been faithful accompaniments of mine.... But far faithful yet have been my friends and family who have never left my side.

Through all those times I had never considered myself a blessed person. Until now that is. Looking back, I thank God for the wisdom I've attained from those painful times for I have to agree that there is no better teacher than experience itself. I'm stronger, wiser and (I'm hoping) a better person.

I left my family behind and I thought I had lost my biggest support system. I felt alone and abandoned. That despair prolonged for a good couple of months. I never thought things would change and my heart longed to be back home. Just when I was ready to throw in the towel, I found friends. Friends who became simply more than just friends. They became a family that my heart craved so much for. They replaced the role my family members played and more. They cared for me and I cared for them more than I had ever cared before. Being in a country where we had no family (essentially thats how I felt) we turned to each other for comfort, solace and most of all a sense of belonging.

They alleviated my longing for a family. I had found a family of my own right here in the place that I had despised so profusely for making me feel obsolete. The place that I had blamed for my desertion had ended up enriching me beyond my wildest dreams. I had found people who took me in their arms and loved me with all my faults and drawbacks... Who looked at my terrible sides and still found it in them to love me. I truly found a family. And for this very reason, I can never thank them enough and I doubt I could love them enough.

A year has flown by in their arms and I look forward to another year to bask in their love if God so graciously permits.

I count my blessings every day but today I feel as if I can't because I feel blessed beyond numbers....

Grenade

2010-12-12T14:50:00.005+08:00

I adore Bruno Mars and when he dishes out songs like these who won't?!

Call me morbid and everything but another song that speaks volumes! LOVE

Grenade- Bruno Mars

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss,

Had your eyes wide open -
Why were they open?
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked,

Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain,

Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ;

But you won't do the same

No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue beat me till I'm numb

Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you're from
Mad woman, bad woman,
That's just what you are, yeah,
You’ll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car
Gave you all I had

And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked

Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby

But you won't do the same

If my body was on fire, ooh

You’ d watch me burn down in flames

You said you loved me you're a liar

Cause you never, ever, ever did baby...
But darling I’ll still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain,

Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby

But you won't do the same.
No, you won’t do the same,
You wouldn’t do the same,
Ooh, you’ll never do the same,
No, no, no, no

Home is Where the Heart Is

2010-12-11T00:47:00.005+08:00

How does a person have their whole world and then turn back to nothingness? I don't understand why I feel so affected by the departure of a dear friend but I just am. I used to look forward to the weekends so much I didn't know how much till they were taken away. The prospect of sleeping on a cold hard floor enamoured me so much that I didn't mind walking miles with bags laden on my tired shoulders in the sweltering heat of the afternoon sun. I left behind a luxurious room and house filled with goodies, a television at my disposal, an attached bathroom, a huge bed and space enough to accommodate five. I left all that for something less in material wealth and space but yet gained more. I left that all for a place I called home more sincerely than I ever have since I stepped foot on this foreign land. I went home to a single person who was more distant in blood to me than the next person but who was closer to my heart than most would care to understand.

The saying "home is where the heart is" took a whole new meaning in my eyes. For the first time, I actually understood the depth of what it meant. It didn't matter to me that after exhausting nights of studying, I came home to a floor and instead of having a fully stocked larder, I had a tiny cupboard to rifle through. I came home to more, I came home to a tiny person who cared and loved me as much as I did her. I came home to someone I regarded as family.

We didn't do or say much. But the simple things that we did held more definition to me than most memories I hold. Simple things like making coffee for each other. her crazy hair coming out from the covers to shut her alarm that would annoy the hell out of me as it rang every five minutes, her legs propped against the wall like pillars, the insane amount of time she would use to do her hair or even the simple things like how she would grin her heart out when she did something she knew would annoy me were things that meant so little at the time but now seem so paramount in effect. What I wouldn't give to have at least one of those moments back.

It doesn't matter that others don't understand how much of a loss her absence in presence is to me. I never expected them to. But I hope she does. I hope she knows how much I miss her and how I think of her every day and every night. I hope she realizes that she didn't merely provide me with a place to stay in my time of need, she provided me with a family when I felt alone. She gave me a place to belong to when I felt lost, and I don't mean a place where I could rest my head, I mean a place where my heart felt at peace. She will always have my heart wherever she is though I truly wish she was here with me....

I miss you Nisha and I always will.....

The Feel of Life

2010-09-25T01:08:00.003+08:00

Tiny, frail fingers reached out into the air,

Pale and wrinkly, they were bare,

Love and warmth enveloped them,

Blanketed by cotton and lace right to the hem....

Grew they did and reach out,

Touching and feeling the world about,

The soft tender strokes of mum's lips,

The rough graze of dads cheeks and his playful nips....

Colour and noise they grew into,

Grab at toys they did but only at a few,

Pictures and images they loved to feel,

Pages of wonder was what sealed the deal....

More did these hands grow to touch,

The wonders life provided were such,

Hand in hand the tiny fingers twirled,

Of laughter, tiny giggles and claps did they swirl....

To hold a pencil came the first task,

A new role to play, a new mask,

The weight of expectation begins to form,

Guidance came, all sweet and warm.

The grip on the pencil grew stronger,

The pressures with it grew harder,

Sweat and toil began to fester,

Of strength and courage these delicate strands muster....

To caress and hold they now knew,

But only for a few,

Those that they wished to show love and affection,

An undying dedication of love and passion....

Hitting hard at boards with letters,

As the icons move in tiny patters,

The smooth surface that these nimble tips brush,

A stark contrast to the weathered palms that were once lush....

Grown and weathered these bright brown feelers may be,

But the world they have seen,

Today they wonder of the touch they first knew,

The feel of emptiness, the darkness in dews...

They claw into the abyss,

Searching, groping, grieving....

Holding on to the single strand of hope,

That the treasure that lay beyond will help them cope,

With the hardness and roughness that life has set,

They search for the familiar warmth they once had....

Another Adventure To Remember

2010-09-16T14:06:00.005+08:00

Not a thousand years ago,

Four friends were on the go,

To scour the land for delicious morsels,

A journey filled with banter, laughter and giggles.

Arrived they did at their hashery of choice,

The three roses stepped in with more smiles and noise,

The thorn was left behind rummaging,

For in his bag he was endlessly digging.

As the cuisines were picked in that chilly night,

In walks the harrowed thorn, a frightful sight!

The keys I've locked in our wagon,

Breathes the twitchy, agonized sanguine.

The other three stare bewildered,

What a state in to be rendered,

Are you sure, have you checked, how did you manage that, they all quipped,

With his head in his hands, the poor lad looked simply whipped.

Never matter, let us try to save the day, said the bright red one,

And before their meals arrived, two from the table were gone,

Silence loomed over the yellow and pink of the two,

Brood and worry began to stew.

Fruitlessly the two were recalled,

As plates presented had put their efforts on stall,

Mutter and chatter were scarce for once,

All four were embroiled in a silent trance.

The only resolve was an hour away,

But who would they call upon to save this harrowing day?

The pink of them had a name,

And all four prayed for hope till their saviour came.

Futile efforts were once more carried at their carriage,

But all their toil lay in carnage,

Stares and jokes they did attract,

They looked like goons that night, that is a fact.

Their knight in shining transit did soon arrive,

The four then shone alive,

Ever grateful they were to be rescued,

For the cold would have started a heated feud.

Laugh they did at the impish thorn,

But the poor dear did seem truly forlorn,

Yet his antics were one to remember,

And the three shall forget this never.

More laughter and chatter filled the lively clunker,

Excitement came from laughing, teasing and banter,

The rogue of the night was indeed picked on,

But then again, he was the night's moron.

The journey to the other end of state,

Had brought them into the day late,

Weary they were growing,

But the journey they were loving.

As the day's adventure came to an end,

All four thanked their god's sent,

Ever grateful they were,

For their knight in shining armour truly was a dear.

Without his noble aid, they would have been stranded,

And who knows how their night would have ended,

They bid goodbye and clambered into their loyal wagon,

The four moved on into the night as a renewed tightly-knit brethren.

An adventure in the eyes of the four,

With their children they shall someday laugh and share this lore,

Closer together they left that night,

A joy and a wrong turned out better than a right.

This piece I dedicate to our little adventure,

For this certainly is a blunder to remember,

A night cherished and will always be laughed upon,

A night that brought five friends together with bonds reborn.

Ahead and Before....

2010-09-06T23:33:00.006+08:00

Fingers grazing my dreams,

Pain brushing my screams,

I look in the mirror and wonder,

What comes after,

The meaning of the shadow that falls behind,

The terrors of the night in your arms I find,

The embrace of that turned vice,

The laugh that turned to cries,

Stony grey ice staring back,

The day that turns black,

Of warmth comes chill,

A stroll on a journey uphill,

Leaves that fall,

Build a brick wall,

A dam that holds within,

The reservoir of bitter sin,

Time trickles down my cheek,

The light my eyes seek,

As my fingers grip the empty air,

The face of a blank stare.....

What lies behind is told,

What lay ahead waiting to unfold,

The lips whisper,

The heart and mind suffer,

The lights dim as the curtain unfurls,

As colour swirls,

A visage of miracles,

A life of debacles,

As the last tear trickles,

And the face wrinkles....

The last never ends,

The circle never bends....

When the Going Gets Tough

2010-06-21T14:14:00.004+08:00

“When times get tough the tough get going”

Story of my life I once used to think. Whenever things got tough, rough and edgy, I simply went. Never looking back I went. Fuelled by anger, shame, a drive like no other, I went without looking back. Was I wrong? Have I gone forth so much that I can’t look back without cringing? Drowning myself with work has always worked. Never really having the time on my hands has left me with a sense of security as I suffocated myself with something I had labelled “productive” Never had I once thought that they sacrifices I made would one day show up at my doorstep demanding an explanation. Had I grown up way too fast? Had I thrown away my youth for the sake of seeking approval? What was it I wanted so badly out of this painstaking way of life?

Don’t get me wrong, I have never once held my decisions or my choices in the light of regret. But these questions that have accompanied my moments of loneliness now seem to greet my mind when preoccupation has filtered through. Who am I? What is my purpose in life? I’ve never had a truly meaningful existence have I? If I were to suddenly disappear, would anyone truly miss me? As in not just my presence, but me, the person that I am. What am I or have I offered others in terms of a friendship? Sometimes I feel so undeserving of all the kindness and the love that seem to blanket me with such easing comfort. What have I done to deserve the grace and beauty that simply seems to fall at my feet? I have wonderful parents, beautiful family members and adoring friends. What have I done to earn all of them? Do I even deserve them? Self-doubt, anxiety and questions plague my every inch of sanity.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by everything that goes around me. There are times when I just feel like throwing everything away and disappearing forever. A thought that carves a smile across my face is I remember a friend once saying, “One day you may go to sleep forever” If only. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not suicidal or anything. But I just wish that I could take everything away for just one day. The pain. The thoughts. The memories. The bitterness. The ache that simply never seems to fade away. It’s exhausting having to pretend being strong all the time. To seem like whenever times got tough, others could turn to me to get everyone and everything going. For once, I just want to be the one who’s taken care of. For a little while, I just want to be able to shift all the responsibilities that cripple to someone else for just a little while. My shoulders ache from the heave that I’ve been lugging around and even for a split second, I wish I could just relieve myself of some stress. But somehow, I’ve never been able to move this load.

For me, when the tough got going, my whole life followed suit.

A Glance Out A Window

2010-06-20T02:56:00.002+08:00

Every time I look at the window,

Sight greets me with life, with sorrow,

The sun that shines leaves me with a question,

If its shine will forever be in my possession,

Will the warmth I feel ever fade,

Will its glow one day evade,

Will I ever be alone,

Are these the seeds of life and love I’ve sown,

I look out at the gay and merry garden,

Of colour, vibrance and vigour the land is laden,

Smiles dawn at its mere sight,

It sends your heart and joy soaring to new heights,

With that joy a notion dawns,

Will these smiles one day be replaced by frowns,

Will the joy in my heart ever last,

Or will they fade with the colours of the blooms into the gray past……

The birds soar, gliding through the heavenly clouds,

The white carpet blanketing them like smooth shrouds,

The comfort, warmth and security,

The feeling of being unguarded, free,

Will it ever be mine,

This feeling will I ever find,

A question I now not the answer to,

A question that’s not anew….

Of Questions and Quandaries

2010-06-14T13:31:00.004+08:00

The rooms around speak of silence,

My heart speaks of penitence,

The wrongs I've led through out this existence,

The long harrowing distance,

What is right by my heart,

Where is that line from which I wish to depart,

Emptiness surrounds like a wave of fury,

A future that burned bright now seems blurry,

The heart cowering in fright of what lay therein,

Of questions unanswered and undiscovered terrain,

Who is this person staring back through that smooth surface,

Who is that person that yearns to live a life of grace,

Why does she tremble from the inside,

Why does she speak with joy and exuberance in attempts to hide,

All that clouds her mind and soul,

Of what may possibly greet her ahead; foretold,

Why does a tear streak down her face in times of strength,

Why does she find ache in moments at length,

Why does her hand grasp at nothingness,

Of a mind of quandary and sheer sadness,

Where does she turn, where will she search,

A life of triumph thats now left in a lurch,

Who is she, she wonders now,

She needs to discover herself, but how,

In moments of trials and tribulations,

Where will she seek comfort and guidance,

In moments of anguish and sorrow,

When will she let those tears free flow,

Strength is what shes defined as,

The one to turn to when climbing those lofty stairs,

Hold you and guide you she will,

Even at rest she's never still,

But from whom shall she seek guidance,

Where will she turn to for assistance,

A shoulder to cry on,

A spirit that will has left and gone,

Only hope remains and its essence fading,

A will and spirit that remains degrading.....

Nonsense of Mine

2010-06-06T18:18:00.005+08:00

I sit at a desk staring into space,

Looking at a law book, fretting over a case,

Then it struck me,

How retarded the situation seemed to be,

I'm a psychology student,

The topic at hand seems errant,

But yet,

Though most people would think I'm loony I bet,

Its a captivating subject,

And this mere thought sets me apart to people as an object,

A robot they called me,

But how they find this a bore I simply cannot see!

The concepts and terms defined,

And how each study seems intertwined,

Finding means to achieve an end,

A loss to a gain is the choice to transcend....

The loopholes in between,

Searching for definitional errors that have not yet been seen,

Life itself comes alive,

The win is what the goal here is to strive,

Oh what the hell am I doing,

My notes on Psychology is what I should be reading!

*Bangs head on wall,

Rolls fist into a ball,

Dumbass get back to your own book,

Stop getting yourself dangling on this hook!

STUDY STUDY STUDY!

This is gonna be over my dead BODY!!!!!

I have successfully lost it! So anyone, really....ANYONE, call me an ambulance....

Life, Love and Choices

2010-06-06T09:17:00.006+08:00

Why do we make the choices we do? What governs our actions? How do we choose to sacrifice one aspect of our lives in favor of another? How can we be so blinded to so many voices around us in favor for something that does nothing but purely gratifies our desires?

So many questions ran through my head when I was faced with a recent conundrum. Aspects I had never pondered on before surfaced from depths I had not submerged to before. Interestingly enough, these issues were not mine personally, but they set of a chain of events that triggered question after question in my mind.

Someone once told me, you wouldn’t understand love as you’ve never actually been in a real relationship before. As much as that stung, I have to admit it’s true. My relationships have never really been full-fledged neither have they been in the actual sense of the word REAL. May be I’m prone to self-sabotage potential relationships, maybe I’m hesitant of emotional (and for all you snickering idiots out there, physical as well) intimacy or maybe I’m simply way to picky for my own good. Whatever the reason may be behind my choices, the fact of the matter is, I haven’t really experienced romantic love like some people have. And reaching a far crying age of 22, it seems rather pathetic. But the one matter that bothered me is that, how could anyone deny me the right at claiming that though I had not experienced the emotion, that I would not understand it? I do realize that an emotion has to be thoroughly felt in order to achieve the extent of what it entails, but to say that I had no inkling of what it was in entirety was rather ignorant, or so my ego would perceive.

So from a completely naïve and inexperienced perspective, I drew out what I thought love truly is. To me to love someone is to put them ahead of you. To find it deep within the realms of your heart to make decisions that would be for the better of them and not in motion with your own desires. Love should motivate, appreciate and generate a positive growth and not deteriorate or stagnate a person’s growth. Pain is inevitable in love but that pain should never be a deterrence but it should help enforce a person to deal with the harsh realities of life. It should be there in moments of sorrow and fragments of joy. The one emotion to draw strength from and the one emotion to share insecurities with. Love should give you a world’s worth of confidence and yet be your guiding force in keeping you grounded. It is the emotion that sets equilibrium in life and propels that need for happiness and a drive to succeed not for the means of gratifying your ego but for the simplest means of seeing a smile on your better half’s face.

To love is to desire to give them the world and yet wanting nothing in return. To yearn to see a beautiful smile carved upon the face that lights your heart with joy. To see that sparkle in their eyes at the thought that you’ve brought them pride. The simple look of gratitude that makes you feel that you’ve succeeded in life.

Love aims to make you a better person. It aims to lift you to new heights. Love never detracts nor does it ever retract. I may not know in entirety what love is all about from a romantic perspective but I do know what love feels like and I know that the love I’ve shared and experienced through life has thought me these very tiny yet significant lessons. The love I’ve had for my parents have seen sacrifices but never to an extent that would diminish the person I am. The love I’ve shared with my friends has motivated me in doing better in life. The laughter, joy and tears we’ve shared simply adds to the fact that our lives are intertwined with great complexity but none too complex to know that we want the best for each other. We push each other up that step ladder and would never hesitate in crawling back down a step to help boost one of us up. Sacrifice and love do tend to go hand in hand. But to what extent would love accept sacrifice as an accompaniment? If life was to be taken for granted and all that was to be gained out of love was pain and misery, then that would be a far cry from love itself. To throw away life as a mere excuse of loving someone is not sacrifice, its stupidity.

Never besmirch love with lust and never associate sacrifice with the vain attempts at securing your lustful urges. That is by far the greatest insult that anyone could ever bestow upon the name of love. Love isn’t simply an emotion shared by two people that leave all reason and logic at the door. Love is also shared between a father and a daughter, a brother and a sister and its shared by friends alike. So never turn your back on all that love that’s already surrounded in claims that you’re doing so for love. For the truth lies within you as much as others can see it too, that what’s in your heart was definitely not love but in essence, lust.

Pengembaraan Terakhir

2010-06-06T00:49:00.001+08:00

Mataku menatap wajahmu yang menatang kesedihan,

Setiap patah perkataanmu mencurahkan kepiluan dengan perlahan,

Matamu yang memerah dengan keinginan, fikiran dan perasaan,

Adakah hatimu tenang dengan kepuasan?

Wajahmu membayangkan ciri rasa hatimu,

Kata yang dituturi penuh emosi dilitupi ilmu,

Keperitan hati yang dipelajari,

Dari kehidupan sehari demi sehari,

Nadamu yang penuh kerinduan,

Kehidupan dipenuhi perhitungan,

Jikalau hidup ini senang difahami,

Jikalau perjalanan ini boleh secukupnya diselami,

Bayangkan dirimu tanpa halangan dan pertandingan,

Hidupmu sempurna, tanpa tandingan,

Tapi itukah namanya kehidupan?

Bebas dari keperitan, diselimuti perlindungan,

Hati gemalai yang senang dilukai ini,

Tidak pernah diguris sebegini,

Kegelapan malam membawa teman memori yang memeraskan hati,

Sebahagian hidup yang amat sukar ditelani,

Hati dan sanubari yang bergelora,

Jiwa yang kini membara,

Mengambil langkah tersebut dengan hati yang dipenuhi keazaman,

Dari mula hingga ke akhir hayat kau akan diteman,

Dengan hatimu tersendiri,

Ukirkanlah hati yang berseri,

Di mana jua kau berada,

Gunakanlah hatimu sebagai persada...

Thought of The Day

2010-05-24T19:21:00.006+08:00

Sometimes life seems to deal us the best cards.... And then with a whiff, it snatches it from our grip before we've even registered the joy of having such blessings.

Really? Sounds depressing. Maybe thats true and maybe its not. Somehow life has its quirks and it has its upsets but the one thing thats certain.... No matter where u are, who you're with, what you do or how you do something... Know that you're blessed. As difficult as it may be at times to believe so, remember that somewhere out there is a soul that's in a position much worse than you're own asking the very same question yet living through every sickening minute of the ordeal. If not for the faith you have, persevere for the love you possess.

Very preachy? Felt like it! Oh well, thats the thought of the day I guess =)

Our life's a stage, a comedy: either learn to play and take it lightly, or bear its troubles patiently. Palladas

Grateful...

2010-05-23T13:48:00.006+08:00

I miss saturday morning breakfasts with dad,

I miss the laughs and quirks over the teas we shared,

I miss mom telling me to quit eating chillies

I miss the way she loved buying trinkets that were cute and frilly, (not that i'd wear them)

I miss fighting with my brother,

We had a love hate relationship like no other,

I miss wrapping my arms around my sweet little baby,

I miss her as much as she misses me,

I miss running errands for my grandfather,

I truly hope he's feeling better,

I miss talking to dad about everything,

I miss the way kakak loves to sing,

I miss the way she'd always make me fish when she cooks mutton,

I love the way she squeals every time she finds a missing button,

I miss arguing with dad which plant would look better at the front porch,

I miss hearing my brother getting a earful every time dad has to look for the torch,

I miss cuddling up to dad on weekend afternoons as we watch tv,

I miss seeing mom's eyes grow huge at every saree she sees, (apparently her monstrous collection will be mine someday, APPARENTLY, we'll see)

I miss mom telling me to wear things that I deem inappropriate,

And I miss her staring at me as if I was being weird,

I miss my bed, my home and my family,

One of the many joys I can't wait to see.....

I miss running to Jill's place for the Sim's,

Its been ages it seems,

I miss Guling shushing us quiet,

I loved living on my own planet,

I miss Adie's prodding fingers,

I miss the way our gaze lingers,

I miss taking hour long lunch breaks and forgoing the rest of class,

I miss Guling inspecting every inch of her glass,

I miss Adie winding up asleep on my shoulder every time a lecture drags,

I miss Jilly's witty gags,

I miss our Mango Mania trips,

And our San Fran coffee sips,

I miss how they make fun of my ignorance,

And take it upon themselves to vividly explain things to me with great "patience"

Life truly does have its ups and downs,

Its smiles and frowns,

But with such beautiful memories within you,

How can you feel your life isn't true,

With such love and cherish,

I don't think I have a remaining wish,

Except that these joys remain with me till my very last moment,

For my life as blessed as it has been, has also been truly pleasant....

To You

2010-05-16T20:22:00.005+08:00

To the one who always calls me at the oddest times,

Thank you...

To the one that always laughs at me scrubbing hard at gunk and grimes,

Thank you too....

To the one who squishes me so hard with a hug,

I miss you....

To the one who I call a total slug,

Its true....

To the one whose shoulders I always cry upon,

You're a friend thats true....

To the one I laugh with from dusk till dawn,

I miss you too....

To the one that I laugh at,

I still do...

To the one I yell at,

You make me want to....

To the one I love unconditionally,

You're one of the few...

To the one that always turns to me to bully,

Screw you!

To the one that does it only to tease,

Not you....

To the one I love to please,

You better find someone new....

To the one I pledge my heart to...

Damn I wish I knew you!

10 Redundant Facts About Me....

2010-05-16T10:49:00.005+08:00

Okay so I'm a total liar! Well, at least I'm an unintentional one! Blogging has become increasingly difficult due to personal (I needn't explain myself) and time constraints! Assignments and travelling take up almost 60% of my day leaving little for me to manage with the rest of the things I need to do. I'm a total nut case! In spite having absolutely no time on my hands I can't help but miss WORKING! It feels so foreign to be without a job! I've been working FOREVER! And unemployment simply doesn't sit well with me. Well, seeing that I was reminded (continuously, I might add, to update the blog...here goes)

Another 10 weird things that I've discovered about myself since the last I updated the list.

10) I have this sudden urge to make beds (Okay so I have had this urge for ages but its more hard pressed recently) and the sheets have to be nice and smooth. No crumples. No folds. I've actually missed my bus a couple of times because of this obsession! Yeah yeah.... OCD... whatever!

9) I have this crazy urge to have frozen Coke! Its bloody 2 degrees outside, I hate gassy drinks and yet I'm dreaming of frozen Coke! What the hell is wrong with me?! (Its orgasmically good people!)

8) Takes forever to eat! Its been getting worse lately... Took 2 HOURS for breakfast this morning... and all I ate was a damn sandwich! HOW?! God knows....

7) Eats the crust around a sandwich first... Its like eating a border! I have some really weird tendencies....

6) I never check what I write! Proof-reading has never been a practice of mine! and one day its gonna bite me in the ass!

5) Has to have at least 5 highlighters in different colors! I feel uncomfortable otherwise!

4) For the very first time witnessed first hand the effects of weed... Very enlightening, funny and entertaining experience... Though the whole "trying for the experience" thing, ain't for me!

3) Feels that the heater is the world's BEST invention! (at the moment that is)

2) Is a complete MALAYSIAN at heart who loves chillies and adores the sun! Hating autumn right now!

1) Is a total freak who has no idea what third base is! (But now I do... I think!~ Thankz sar! :D)

There ya go! Updated! :P

Blue Monday

2010-04-19T17:38:00.009+08:00

I know its a clichè but I suppose I have been caught up with the Monday Blues... There are so many things that I want to do, so many things I want to say... But for some reason, I simply can't bring myself to doing any of them or saying them out loud. Its as though there's a wedge buried inside me that I can't choke out. I imagined all sorts of adventures, meeting all sorts of people and discovering all sorts of places. To be frank, though I didn't want to leave home, I was a little excited at the prospect of being somewhere different for a change. I was scared, I won't lie, but I still had a tiny inkling in me that felt I could possibly like my new home in a strange, foreign land. Today, I think to myself, where is that sense of excitement? What happened to the jolt of adrenaline I used to feel when I thought of this place? Were my expectations too high? Had I upstaged my adventure all in my mind? Ironically, staying with family has never made me feel more estranged than I feel now... I've seen and experienced my fair share of dysfunctional families but this one seems to have an affect on me like no other. Perhaps its the notion that I feel my arrival here is far from welcomed. I feel like I've imposed... I have never been one to receive charity...And I mean be it by anyone, I find it almost difficult to seek help unless I'm absolutely comfortable with a person. I don't know if its pride, but I do know that I am unwilling to allow myself to seem vulnerable to anyone. To trust someone I'm not tremendously close to with the fact that I'm susceptible is not a thought that I'm willing to even consider. I wouldn't say its pride but a sense of fear. Fear that I may be scorned upon. Fear that I may not be able to live up to the expectations that surround me. Fear that I may very well be a disappointment to all.

Sitting here without company or my usual hectic schedule to distract me, I'm faced with all the pent up worries that had been bubbling inside unnoticed all this while. I drowned myself with work and company because I was afraid to deal with these issues and now that I have nothing to keep my mind occupied, I can't help but submerge myself in this cauldron of brewing poison. At first I thought that it would be healthy to deal with these issues. It would be a way of understanding myself and that it was finally time for me to resolve these problems. But the deeper and deeper I dig, the more frightened I become. I'm frightened of what I might uncover. I'm afraid of what I might unearth. Am I really the person that I seem to be? Or is there a whole pile of crap stewing on the inside? Frankly, I don't know if I can deal with it on my own.

I've had amazing friends all my life. And one of the most daunting trepidations I faced before coming here would be making and meeting the same kind of friends that I was leaving behind. At first I brushed my quandaries aside, attributing them to my known neuroticism and paranoia, but its been a whole month and I've never felt lonelier in my life. Despite the fact that I'm living with family makes me feel worse that I could feel so lonely. Confined to a house that I barely recognize as it feels hollow, empty and cold makes me want to curl up in bed and not wake up. I just feel so lost and alone. Every morning I wake up with a thought or rather, a hope that today would be different. Today I would discover that I belonged here... That I felt at peace... only to end the day counting the days till I would return home. Its so difficult waking up some times and wondering where I am.... Wondering where is this place..... Wondering what I'm doing here....The only reason I'm here in this empty nest is for the one I left.... They have such big dreams and hopes for me... Such wonderful expectations that I can't help but find it hurting my shoulders as I carry it day and night... Will I ever be good enough to fulfill their wishes? All the pain and hurt inside is nothing compared to the one I would face if I let them down... Nothing would break my heart more than to see my family saddened by worst of all, me. I just wished things weren't so hard. I just wish I felt a little sense of familiarity... A feeling of belonging...

The Day TV Laughed At Me

2010-04-09T22:06:00.007+08:00

Ever had the feeling that the world was against you? That you were one big joke? Or more specifically, one big cosmic joke? Yep. Today was my day for coincidence to come biting me in the ass. My day started out as harmless as days go. I made a little something for breakfast, a nice steamy cup of coffee and sidled down on the couch to watch some good old television. Gilmore Girls was on and I decided to watch it seeing that it had been years since I'd watched the series. Not having kept up with the developments in the storyline I was a little lost as Rory had some new friends and one of them, this Korean girl (I forget her name~sorry) was getting married. Frankly, they seemed pretty young to be married and the Korean girl's stiff, uptight mother was on the same wavelength as I was. She walks into the bridal room, nods Rory out and turns to face her daughter with an air of impatience and rigidity. Pulling up a chair for her daughter and herself she sits down and shushes her daughter silent as she goes on to tell her that she has obligations to her husband as a wife. Tonight for the first time she will have to do unspeakable things. She will have to "do it". All this occurs as her daughter unsuccessfully tries to interrupt her (possibly to tell her distressed mother that they had already "done it") The mother however, silences her and goes on to say that she has to"do it" possibly tonight to satisfy her husband and if she was as lucky as her (the mother) she would only have to do it once! I swear coffee left my mouth in the most unpleasant manner as I choked down on the remaining bit in my mouth. Tearing up as the coffee had shot to my brain, all I could think about was WHAT?! This is UNREAL! Joke of my life on Gilmore Girls... Laughing out loud in an empty house till tears streamed down my face as I wiped the droplets of coffee off the (ironically) coffee table, I couldn't help wondering if God was trying to send me a message of some kind. If He was, what the heck is it??

A little later in the afternoon, one of my favorite TV classics, The Nanny was on. Having been an avid Nanny fan, I'd caught most of the episodes and was absolutely delighted that the episode on TV today was one I had not caught yet. Somewhere through the show I watched as Fran ushered Maxwell into the kitchen gushing at how cute her parents were and all that. And somehow the conversation stopped at how its weird to imagine people having sex and her going on to say that she was glad her parents never did. I stopped dead in my tracks all of a sudden and the scene from Gilmore Girls flashed before my eyes. Really? Two in a row? For some inexplicably absurd reason, one question entered my mind. Was my daughter (or son) going to think that of me and my husband one day?? And as that question materialized, I looked up at the ceiling and glared. Yeah, God above the ceiling, thats for you.

And of course, as the saying goes, three times a charm. As I was channel surfing (nothing else to watch) I came upon Sex and the City. Never having watched the show before as I found it too sexually explicit (more than I can stomach anyway) I decided to just grit my teeth and watch the remaining 3 minutes on it (beats watching commercials while waiting for Friends to start) Four women were sitting at a table bantering about...what else, sex. And this red haired woman, (Miranda I think) goes on to ask why its so hard for a man to please a woman sexually. The other older woman, Samantha answers that its because they're men (whatever the heck thats supposed to mean) Then they banter on about some statistics on the frequency of people having sex and how the age of people who are sexually active is decreasing in number... And just as I was paying less and less attention (sex isn't my favorite topic of discussion) I hear one of them pipe "Well, if you hit you're twenties and don't know what an orgasm feels like, honey, something ain't right with you." Ouch. I felt like hurling a brick at this woman! Just cause you can't seem to keep your pants on doesn't make others a walking plank!!! We have feelings too! Maybe we don't know what an orgasm is like (or practically speaking, what is is) but we know how to keep our pants on and others OUT of it! As I was boiling and simmering over, a list of swear words ran through my mind. But of course, in a while, I calmed down and skated over the issue lightly. Call me paranoid but I have this nagging inkling at the back of my head that God's trying to mess with my head again! I had a thought of throwing a brick up at him only to realize (stupidly) that the same brick ain't gonna reach him but definitely will smash my head on its way down. Hmm... perhaps there's another lesson in that one too...

Was I The Only One

2010-04-06T19:43:00.006+08:00

I have to credit Abnormal with this song. I know Stinky and Ugly will definitely have something to say about it. But imagine me wheedling....But you guys.... I CAN'T HELP IT!!! *grins!

Was I The Only One- Jordin Sparks

P.S Seeing that the video comes with the lyrics, I don't really need to have it written out do I?

Smiles!

A Very Interesting Day

2010-04-06T13:37:00.009+08:00

Today as it turns out was not as uneventful as I had expected to be when I woke up. I mean with Easter public holidays over (my school break is still on though) I thought I'd be seeing a lot of grumpy, sullen faces on the train today. Unfortunately for me, I had to make a 2 and a half hour trip to college today as I had to return a library book that was due. And this means that I had to travel for 5 hours for the sake of a book. I suppose I could grumble and whine about it but looking at the glass half full, I guess it was a good thing as I was able to get out of the house for a change.

Okay, I'm side-tracking here, back to the story.

So, on the way to Curtin at the bus station, I sit at the bench, earphones stuffed in and a book in hand (yes! I finally bought one! Hurray me!) wondering aimlessly if the bus would be a little late as I had noticed the traffic jam as I walked to the station. Just as I was about to go back to grinding my nose to my book, this old guy (I would say he's in his late 60s or perhaps early 70s) sits down beside me and starts rummaging in his pockets. Giving him a tiny smile of acknowledgement, I go back to my book only to be interrupted a few minutes later by a pat on the arm. I look up to see the old man peering at me with concern. He thought he'd missed the bus. After assuring him that he hadn't as I'd have seen the bus arrive, I explained about the traffic jam and the possibility that the bus would be a little late. With that little reassurance, the old guy calms down and we strike up a chat. Deducing that I'm not local (obviously!) he asks me where I'm from and what I'm doing here. At first, I was a little hesitant (never talk to strangers they say~ but he seemed like a really nice old man) but then I put my anxieties aside and entertained him. He then went on to tell me how he came from Spain and is now living with his son in Germany and how he'd come down to Australia to visit his daughter (she just had a baby) We talked for a good 20 minutes when his bus arrived. As I was helping him gather his things, he took my hand (by surprise rather) held it for about 10 seconds before saying to me, "You're the sweetest girl I've ever met. You have such a good heart" I was so touched that I simply stared back at him... "It was so nice meeting you and I hope you get you happiness everywhere (his English wasn't perfect but it was good enough)" I thanked him and squeezed his hand goodbye as he got onto the bus, wishing him a good day.

Going back to the bench with a smile on my face, I couldn't imagine a more perfect beginning to my day. Suddenly, I didn't feel so alone anymore. I may not know anyone here (okay I do, but not many) and I may not be particularly close to anyone here but what I do know is that I can still feel part of something and today I felt part of someone's day and I do sincerely wish that its a good day for him. Not believing that things could possibly get any better today I boarded my bus that arrived soon after. Still smiling to myself thinking about the old gentleman earlier, I let myself get absorbed into my own thoughts simply drifting off (it is a 45 minutes to an hour's worth of travelling so why not right?)

Somewhere halfway through the journey, I notice the bus begin to pull away from one of the stops slowly only to jerk to a halting stop. Slightly thrown off guard by the slamming of the brakes I look around for the cause of the abrupt stop when I see an old man (whats with the old men you may wonder... your guess is as good as mine!) running towards the bus. I must admit the first thing that entered my mind was, wow, he's pretty fit for a guy who seems to be closing in on his 60s. Breathing heavily, he gets into the bus and with a loud chuckle thanks the driver for being "a good lad" (really! I've only ever heard that word being used in old English movies! It was a tickle!) Staggering slightly as the bus moved, he grabbed a seat not too far away, facing me. I was smiling (unawaringly) at the situation at hand and he saw me (I couldn't tell right away as he had shades on~ or I would have looked away!) and smiled back at me. "Having a good day?" he asked rather loudly. "So far so good," I replied rather meekly (I'm not one for loud conversations with complete strangers on a bus thats been so silent) "Its a bloody hot day it is! Bloody hot!" he banters on as he wipes his forehead with a raggedy looking handkerchief. I nod back at him with a smile unable to dispute this fact as the heat was searing through my jeans. "Very!" I say back. Then for some reason, he takes a rather long look at me, lets out a good hearty chuckle and goes on to say, "Well, me stops here (a rather quick journey, I thought) and you have a good day love. I can tell, you're a sweetheart you are." Letting out another chuckle he walks to the front as I call out, "you have a good day too!" and turns around as the bus stops, thanks the driver and says, "Bye love, hope you're day is as good as I mine or better!" and ambles off with a huge grin carved on his face. I must say, I was delighted and quite frankly amused at this little exchange. I smiled all the way to Curtin. =)

All the events of the day had slipped my mind as I waited for the bus to get home. I had a book in hand that I was devouring intently and my mind lapsed for short breaks and nothing more. The journey back to Wellington (the bus and train terminal) was uneventful. It was a slow, hot and dull travel back but I had no complaints having finished quite a bit of my book. As I got off the bus, I noticed how quiet it was at that time of day. The usually bustling place was nearly empty, with police officers pacing around mindlessly. As I was walking, a man (probably in his late 20s, early 30s) who was dressed rather shabbily I would say approached me. At first, I was a little puzzled as the guy seemed a little disheveled and uncertain of himself. He mumbled out to me that he needed 2 dollars and 50 cents for a bus ticket desperately and didn't have enough money on him. I felt really sorry for him as he seemed a little anxious. Probably lost his wallet or something, I thought. I search my wallets and find some spare change that I hand over. He thanks me, without so much as looking at me and walks away with his head down. Odd, I thought... But I shrugged it off and popped into the bathroom on my way to the exit. About 5 minutes later, I stroll out of the bathroom and make my way to the station exit. As I'm walking out I see the same man earlier and this time he's accosted (yes, I will use this word for sneaky pilferers!) another woman with the same story! I hear the whole load of crap as I walk by thinking of how stupid I am... Probably a junkie or a substance addict desperately trying to get his daily dose. So much for a kind deed. Shaking my head in disappointment I walk out of the station, making a solemn promise (which truthfully I know I'll never be able to keep) to myself never to help anyone who comes to me for "change" again.

Finally arriving at the train station, I look around to ascertain my prospects of being able to get a seat on the train. Pretty good, I gather and look up to check how long I would have to wait for the train. I glance up at the board to see a big four staring back at me. 4 minutes, great. Which usually means the train will be here in 2... not long then. As my gaze shifts back down, it falls on a pretty Javanese looking girl. I can tell she's local from the way she's dressed. She's staring at me with a rather unusual look. Caught a little off guard, I give her a rather uncomfortable smile and look away. She had the tiniest smile on her face when she was looking at me but it didn't seem very friendly... I couldn't place my finger on it but the girl rattled me a little.

The train arrives soon after and I board it... I move to a window seat, pleased that the train was rather empty and settled in my seat comfortably. Just as the train doors were closing I see the same Javanese looking girl walk up and plonk herself beside me. Now, I'm simply puzzled. There were at least 4 empty seats from the other car on her way here and of all the places she chose to sit beside me. Tentatively, I look out the window trying to be cool (I'm not paranoid! It just struck me as weird! Woman's intuition!) "Hi! I'm Liyana (or Leanna or however it is her name's spelt- impertinent) and you are?" she chirps. I give her a small smile and reach out to grasp her extended hand "Deeviana, nice to meet you." "What a pretty name!" she exclaims. Okay, my name's different, I know, but I didn't see it as a point worthy of an exclamation but thats how she put it. "Thanks" I reply. Just as I'm about to turn back to the window she asks me where I'm from. We exchange a few questions and answers about each other and I start warming up to this girl. She seems genuinely nice. We laugh a little and she tells me a little about her job as a sales assistant at this place near the Esplanade and that she lives in Wanneroo. My stop comes right before hers and I tell her that as my stop approaches. I get up and inch my way out but right before I move to the door she stops me and says that she really likes me and hopes that we can stay in touch. I was delighted and just as I'm about to give her my number she goes on to say "You know, I think you're pretty and nice. You can come visit me sometime, you know. I live alone." And she says all this while she's STROKING my hand. I think the color in my face drained momentarily (and I'm Indian so that means something) "I think you have me mistaken," I stammer nervously at her. "I'm straight." She looks at me dumbfounded (I'm so glad I got up a station earlier or this exchange would have been so awkward if I didn't explain myself to her) And then goes on to retort "But thats impossible!" Thankfully, my stopped arrived and I managed to mumble out a bye and make my way out from the train. Trailing along the walkway, I kept thinking to myself. Impossible? WHY impossible??

Somehow, now I feel like the word interesting as a title is rather understated. It should read bizarre! But I'll focus on the kind old gentlemen... I haven't smiled as much since I got here and well, I guess the doubting of my sexual orientation was a little funny. Well, its made me laugh now at least and I don't remember laughing much since I got here either. So all in all, a bizarre but rather splendid day!

A Garden Of Nothingness

2010-03-29T22:38:00.003+08:00

An empty garden,

A heavy burden,

Where will it end,

This heart where shall I send,

Tears speak of pain,

And yet they spill in vain,

A fist clenched so tight it draws blood,

As the tears come pouring down like an endless flood,

The walls built from within come crashing down,

As a she comes crumbling to the ground....

Looking at the sky,

She finds a will to try,

To live,

To give,

A heart full of love,

Yearning soar free like a dove,

But lost in her own shadows she weeps,

Her yearns, her desires, with her.... sleeps,

Looking over her shoulder she sees nothing,

Having lost her heart, she's lost everything,

The songs of the birds taunt her,

The beautiful roses glint at her with a sneer,

The beauty robbed,

Broken, she sobs....

Where does she find a will,

Where will she find a reason to care still,

Where does she look for a hand to hold on to,

What will she do,

Burnt, broken and torn,

A soul never more forlorn,

Looks to the heavens one last time,

As she hears the bells chime....

The Perfect Guy

2010-03-27T21:27:00.005+08:00

The Perfect Guy....

Sounds ominous when you say it that way doesn't it? Perfection. Such a detrimentally strong word. Who is perfect? How do you measure perfection. On a personal basis, imperfection is perfection... I know its rather shallow of me to have a list but I never claimed to be perfect. And I never will... We all have our preferences when it comes to guys (or girls... or both.. whichever tickles your fancy I guess...) but at the heart of it, we all share the same essence that we want in our partner... he/she has to be good, kind, honest...bla bla bla... So I'm just gonna skip all that and get down to the essence of what makes my ideal guy distinctively well, mine =)

THE LIST

1) Ever heard of the song shy guy? Yeap. I want a guy who's shy but not all that introverted that he can't get a word out... There's something sensitive about shy guys... (and they won't mind me being the chatterbox either)

2) I want a guy who would hold my hand when I'm feeling down or upset...

3) I want a guy who can hold me tight when I feel my world falling apart...

4) I'd love a guy who would greet me in the morning with a smile and a cup of coffee (once in a while! Hey, its not like asking for a buffet breakfast spread! Just coffee!)

5) I would love a guy who can walk into the bookstore with me and help me pick out a book that we can both read

6) I would love to be with a guy who I can share my whole world with

7) He has to be able to make me smile from a million miles away (How? He would be making me think of him constantly...)

8) Someone I can trust myself with (And this isn't an easy feat mind you)

9) Someone I can take long walks with and never run out of things to say to...

10) A person I can look at and see the world

11) A person who'd let me take them in my arms and share all my love with

12) A person who'd indulge me with that one ice cream even when I'm sick in bed because he can't stand my whining

13) A person who'd get so mad at me for something and yet embrace me when I mutter an apology

14) A person who'd share their life and world with me without veils or shadows

15) A person who'd make me proud to be with them... Who'd inspire me to be a better person for them

16) A person who'd place their friends, family and career ahead of me... A person who'd put me behind now knows their priorities in life and I have nothing but respect for them (him, whichever)

17) This person can be a million miles away and yet be the only one on my mind

18) A person who'd share his worries and pain with me...

19) A person who'd look me in the eyes and tell me that I'm not perfect but still find it in him to love me

20) A person who'd love me for the person I am...

21) A person who'd let me love them for the person they are

22) A person who'd know I'm not alright even when I claim to be

23) He can feel my pain even when I don't show it...

24) A guy who'd tell me he loves me if he does....

25) A guy who'd take my hand and see the world with me.....

Demanding? Perhaps... But I don't think I'm looking for much am I? I've been thinking about this pretty thoroughly and the question that I once had perhaps has been answered... I remember the conundrum I had about if I should simply settle for someone or hold out until I am truly in love... I'll hold out. I love deeply and unconditionally. And if a person doesn't come along that I feel I can share that affection with then I would much rather share it with the world through other means... I can't imagine being with someone I couldn't love inside and out... I've always dreamt about falling madly in love with someone who could steal me away from reality to a fantasy that I wish I'd never have to leave but life has its nasty little surprises... But in what circumstance should I sacrifice my dream? Why should I give up hoping that one day my dream may come true? And so what if it doesn't? I can love for the both of us (the nonexistent, fiction of my imagination) I have it in me to live a life alone but filled with love nonetheless....

Tender Moments

2010-03-27T13:46:00.008+08:00

Its been a rather quiet one month.... The days seem to be creeping by as I exist simply in oblivion... Sliding through the background day after day, life seems to be nothing more than a routine and my moods seem to be monotonous and glum. Not exactly the wonderful experience I was hoping for truthfully... But I do suppose things could be a lot worse... This low, mellow existence had been painting a rather grey cloud over my head for weeks now as I sunk into a stupor that I was secretly desperate to relieve myself of. I longed for a nod in my direction... A familiar face... A kind word... A smile...

Its such a drastic change from sharing hugs every morning with sweet children to yearning for a familiar face... But like I said, things could be a lot worse... Or could it? Different and well, uncharacteristic as it may seem of me, I don't really loathe this unobserved way of life.. I've had time for myself like never before... I've had silence accompany my thoughts in a very long time and I've actually appreciated it... Yet, everyone needs an uplifting moment and mine came through the most unusual of manners.... Never being able to stop and smell the flowers before, I've been able to actually do so... I've caught so many beautiful moments just gazing... I'm not participating in it, but I'm part of it... I've seen a mother hug her child with a look in her eyes that could speak of nothing but undying love... I've seen an old married couple cross the streets together hand in hand with smiles on their faces... I've seen children rushing off to school laughing, with the care that they will be late but with the comfort that they have each other to share that worry with... I've seen a man desperately running to catch the bus in hopes that he might just make it in time to see his son's football game... I've seen two young lovers so caught up in each other that they missed their stop as they were whispering sweet nothings to each other... I've seen the world... Or maybe I haven't. For there is so much more out there that I cannot even imagine what it may be like. I know nothing of these people yet I felt a little bit of what they did. I felt that mother's love as she looked at her child, the love between the old married couple who would grow old in each other's arms, the joy of the children that they had a friend to keep them company with their worries, the anxiety of the father who very much wanted to swell with pride as he watched his little boy play and the bond between the young couple who had no worry in the world as long as they held each others embrace.

In the time that I've missed my mom, my dad, my family and friends, its these little delicate moments that I've caught that keep me company... The familiarity of belonging is something my heart still yearns for but the fact that I can take comfort in knowing that I will one day return to such tenderness allows me the will to wake up the next morning with the resolution to see it through. And as an added consolation, if I do, I may just witness another beautiful moment....

Please Forgive Me

2010-03-17T22:16:00.007+08:00

I haven't thought of music in a long time but browsing through all the videos on youtube has presented me with some incredible gems.... I haven't felt so touched by a song in so long... But this one truly took my breath away... It truly deserves the word beautiful as a description... I can keep gushing about it to you or simply just allow you to listen to it...

Amanda Kaletsky- Please Forgive Me

P.S To any kind soul, I have been desperately trying to search for this song on an mp3 format but haven't been very successful at it. If any of you manage to grab hold of it, PLEASE do send it to me! I will be eternally grateful!

The End at Forever

2010-03-15T18:18:00.005+08:00

I won't apologize,

I won't wait for you to realize,

That I'll love you forever,

And ever....

I won't hold a grudge,

But I won't budge,

I will love you forever,

And ever....

Don't tell me to move on,

Don't bother telling me you're gone,

I will love you forever,

And ever....

Don't tell me you're sorry,

Don't tell me not to worry,

I will love you forever,

And ever....

I won't forgive you,

I won't understand what you had to do,

I will love you forever,

And ever....

I won't cry myself to sleep at nights,

I won't let my hopes reach new heights,

I will love you forever,

And ever....

I won't live in your memory,

I don't need you to tell I'm free,

I will love you forever,

And ever....

And yet I wonder,

Will you see or never,

All that is lost and gained,

All that cherished and stained,

For an eternity speaks of life,

A life filled with joy or strife?

I will love you forever,

And ever,

And die shall I never....

Classics of the Heart

2010-03-15T10:31:00.014+08:00

Cary Elwes is the CUTEST!!! (Forget about how he looks now though... )

How can anyone look at him and NOT think GORGEOUS?! Marcus Gilbert is the personification of DREAMY here!

I haven't really put up many songs recently... Well, I haven't really put up much over the last couple of months but my new discovered passion has been looking into old classic romantic movies.... Truthfully, I'm not one who likes romance inspired movies... Too sappy and nonsensical if you ask me. Movies have always been about the thrill and keeping you on the edge. Hence, my avid obsession with thriller and horror flicks. But in the past weeks, I've stumbled upon some truly understated gems in the romance genre. I can't really explain it but somehow the subtlety of the emotions and actions speak volumes than the general heavy duty makeout sessions that romance movies these days seem to indulge in (apart from the fact that the mellow English gentlemen of those times are ABSOLUTELY dreamy!)

I never pictured myself as a romantic. Never. In fact, I think I'm one of the least romantic people in the world. But watching these movies was a little bit of an awakening for me in some ways. These movies hold so much intensity in the slightest of movements. The way a gaze is held, the way the brush of a loved one's fingers across the other's skin, the way an embrace truly means something. These gentlest of actions hold the deepest of emotions. Being a little bit uncomfortable with displays of affections (especially the explicitly graphic ones) its so easy to understand and relate to these stories with the intricacy thats woven within the plot. These pre and early 20th century movies (in my opinion) truly do hold the essence of love. Its not how they display it but how they "speak" it with their actions. The way their eyes hold an everlasting story of love and the way a kiss could mean a pledge of eternity. I know, so these movies aren't the most practical in nature but fact of the matter is, there's something novel about them in this time and age. They bring light to such innocence and the true depth of what love is. Beautiful is the only word that I can find close to a description.

Some of the movies that I have spent hours watching have been....

1) A Hazard Of Hearts

2) Lady Jane Grey

3) A Room With A View

4) A Ghost in Monte Carlo

5) Sense and Sensibility

6) Tristan and Isolde

To name a few. Very beautiful movies... My favourites are A Hazard of Hearts (Marcus Gilbert is GORGEOUS!) and Lady Jane Grey (Cary Elwes- CUTE! And I don't even like blondes!)

Sunday... What Can I Say?

2010-03-07T13:26:00.005+08:00

Its a beautiful Sunday... The sun's shining brightly outside my room.... The cool breeze whipping through the window, freezing my already solid (from frostbite not workouts- but hey, somethings better than nothing :p) butt. My ice cold lemon tea now tastes like sewage water (not that I'd know! I swear!) Yup peachy day indeed! Okay okay, so maybe I should stop being so bi***y (its only censored as I don't want a certain someone making a certain call at some insane hour because of me using profanity- yup, believe me, she'd do that! AND she's not my mom.... God strike me with a bolt of lightning already?) Its a pretty decent day I must say.... It could be a lot worse... I could have to do....okay, so I can't think of a dreadful thing at the moment... But I did think of something to do with all this free time... I decided to surf the net! And I mean just literally read things off at random... And as random as information comes, these were the "randomest" bits that I found... Pretty intriguing too...

Useless Information That Would Kill My Brain Cells Faster Than You Could Yell Stupid!

1) Starfishes don't have brains....- big deal! I know some humans that are like that too!

2) Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes do...- beware the DONKEY!!!

3) A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes...- damn! i can think of a few people (MEN) who've already started pledging their lives to being reincarnated as pigs. How the hell did they find this out?!

4) Banging your head on the wall burns 150 calories an hour... order now, and not only do you get the head banging manual with a 20% off but we guarantee it'll shave 10 years off your lifespan or your money back guaranteed!

5) Some lions mate over 50 times a day....- but do they orgasm as long though... the pig still walks away with the better deal! :P

6) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.... -god must have known what he was doing! (point to note- this is subject to a multiple number of controversies- but hell, if its even being CONSIDERED- that still suprises me!)

7) Right handed people live on average, 9 years longer than left handed people do... -what if someone's ambidextrous... is the difference split?

8) The ant can lift up to 50 times its own weight, pull up to 30 times its own weight and always falls on its right side when intoxicated...- intoxicated with WHAT?! did my freaking taxes (not that I pay any) fund this research?!

9) Polar bears are left handed...- when did they start writing?!

10) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off....- This takes BDSM to a whole new level!

Thats it folks! Well, I'll leave with another bit... Its impossible for you to lick ur elbow... prove me wrong? ;)

Misses

2010-03-03T21:54:00.003+08:00

Well, today was my first day at Curtin... To sum it all up, ever held a map, stared at a directory and yet felt lost? Yep! Thats me! Somehow the age old saying of women and directions seem to explain my genetic makeup perfectly... But on a different note, for some peculiar reason so does the saying men and asking for directions... Its not pride! Its some inexplicable sense that though NOTHING makes sense on the paper (the map) it somehow will in life (yeah, it will... only it will cost you 15 minutes of your tutorial) Sigh... I used to complain about UM (don't bother that I didn't actually study there :P) but Curtin is a whole different ball game! And its also pretty daunting when everyone you look at seems to know their way around EXCEPT YOU! (This is what happens when you miss orientation!)

Okay, BS aside... Today, I truly felt like a duck out of water... I met a nice girl who was kind enough to give me pointers and to add to the fact that I'm meeting her tomorrow to shop for books... But I still feel a little left out... Seeing that I'm jumping into a group of people who are going into their third year together, I guess it is a little normal to feel singled out a bit... But the whole thing truly hit me when I realized that I missed cozying up to my friends in class... For the first time in a VERY LONG time I actually went to class with the intent of studying and successfully managing to do so (more than often intending to study doesn't result in ACTUAL studying...at least in my case) I miss the times when I would stroll into class a couple of minutes late to find it reserved by the nut jobs I love as friends... I miss the notes we'd write to each other instead of actually speaking in case Guling goes "Sssshh!" I miss turning around and teasing Kaleena of her brilliance and pretending to be (okay so I'm not reeeeaaaally pretending- she is pretty scary!) terrified of Joanne... I miss yapping about something to Jill with Adie either snoozing on my shoulder and finding ways of poking me in obscene areas. I miss driving all of them nuts with asking Adie's magic 8 ball ridiculously stupid questions... I miss walking down to HP to buy drinks during break and sneaking back in a whole half hour later... I miss getting cranky when I haven't had my morning coffee and having one of them miraculously show up with coffee.... I miss being "educated" by Adie and Jill and teased about how ignorant I am when it comes to certain issues...

I guess in essence, class today reminded me a lot about the precious moments that I had so casually taken for granted. Its shown me that time can take away your teeny moments of priceless joy so every chance you get, hold it tight and close to you... I know that if I had a chance to turn back time, I would go back to those moments and hold on to it... In a way I still am. I'm holding onto those priceless moments in my mind and heart. I remember and cherish every bit of it. But most of all, more meaningful then the time spent together is the people I've spent those times with. My friends have been remarkable pillars of support and leaving them gives me no joy but I haven't left them empty handed. I've left my heart, my love, my thoughts and my wishes behind. They have with them the best of me. I have with me their love. And with this love, I can see any lonely day or forsaken night through.

Its MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! oh n happy 2010'

2010-03-01T23:43:00.004+08:00

This is Adie' s present to me!!!

I LOVE IT! LOLZ!

HUGZ ADIE!! MUAKZZ!

Yeah so I'm terrible with keeping promises! :P HELLO 2010! (a greeting coming in on the 1st of March! says a lot! :P) IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!

Okay, I'm not gonna ramble on about all the past events that have taken place cause, well, we all know that I can go on and on and on and on and on and on..... AND ON forever! :P So lets live in the now and let the past stay in the past! (Besides, it wasn't all that eventful except for the fact that I'm now in Perth! Weeeeee!)

Okay so my birthday wishlist (don't worry people~ i'll make it affordable! :P)

10) I wish I had a car! MY CAR! I miss that old piece of failing junk! Sigh.... I shall never again call it future scrap metal again (okay my rich buddies- go get ur daddy's checkbook! heee)

9) I need a new cooling pad since my dad hijacked the old (slightly dysfunctional one! why pa?? WHY?) now my lap acts as the heat absorbent! and damn this thing is HOT!

8) I wish I had a story book... CAN U BELIEVE I PACKED EVERY DAMN THING BUT A FREAKING BOOK TO READ?! and I know what my dad would say~ but I'll kill myself if I had to read a text book as a LEISURELY activity! Get it pa?! LEISURELY! its supposed to be fun and not feel like I've gotten my head caught in a bear trap!

7)I wish Perth would get cooler... I'm Indian but if this damned climate keeps up, I may very well move to Nigeria and fit right in!

6) I wish I had.... hmm.... I know this is gonna sound crazy but I'm craving for a Mango Mania at the moment! I have no idea why, maybe the heat... but damn... Imagine, soft, sticky, gooey sweet mangoes on a bed soft, creamy, smooth, fluffy white frozen yogurt....i'm driving myself up a wall! Snap out of it! *slaps face!

5)Speaking of mango mania, I WANT CHILLI PADI!! WHAT THE EFFING HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?! _^#*$^@*! How can anyone LIVE without chilli padi?! I HATE THIS!!! DAMN IT!!!! (okay deep breaths, deep breaths... *A moment after I've broken something I shall commence with number 4)

4) Contrary to popular belief, I don't need anger management classes..... (though road rage may be a disputable issue) But I would love a nice foot rub... my feet ache...sigh... nothing a nice pedicure wouldn't fix! GRIN!

3) A nice hot cup of Nescafe- the MALAYSIAN one! call me weird but the one in Aussie tastes funny

2) A ticket back home coz I miss my family, friends, home, car, college, mamak, MidValley, Pyramid, Ali Maju, mihun goreng, chilli padi....etc.... *sniff

1) I want a hug! Its my birthday and I want to hug my mom and dad! I miss my family!! I want to hug Adie too!!! I miss u adie! I know u'll be reading this! and derek! and jill and gling!!! I wanna hug ALL OF U!! *tears well up but dont fall coz I'm not gonna cry on my birthday!!!

Springing up!

2009-12-28T00:21:00.009+08:00

I'm a daddy's girl. Always have been and always will be. There's a lot that dad has taught me throughout life... how to do proper marketing at a wet market, how to efficiently buy groceries, what are the best ways to approach life and never try and weasel your way out of following him out on a Sunday shopping spree. My dad likes shopping or rather he enjoys WINDOW SHOPPING! Yes, my very own FATHER! Of course, in all fairness to his male genes, he likes looking at groceries and plants. His favorite places in the world would most likely be Carrefour, Giant, the market (Old Town or the Subang market.... actually, give him ANY market and he's a happy man) and Sungai Buloh.

One rainy afternoon, he had another one of his

whims. He wanted to buy plants. Forget the fact that my house looks more like nursery than a home (okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating here, but its a SUNDAY afternoon for crying out loud!) but my dad decides...hmm... we need more.... PLANTS! So off we go (with much retaliation on my part~ which eventually lead to me being referred to as the bad vibes that brought the rain) down to Sungai Buloh. Now this isn't an extraordinary feat of any sort as I've been here (and donated enough blood to mosquitoes to last a lifetime!) tons of times.... But for some inexplicable reason, this time, I felt strangely attracted to the diverse colors and types of flowers that greet me at every glance. I felt serene in their presence. Not even my mother's nagging voice about using an oversized umbrella to protect my hair or the savage mosquitoes ravaging my flesh could distract me from it. Today, I was transported to another world. A world of exquisite flora. A world where colors and patterns came alive with vibrance. It was remarkably breathtaking. Inexplicably true.

Well, I had my phone with me (I don't have phones with 10 megapixel cameras like some people and I did my best so bear with me here) and thus snapped a few pics! Enjoy!

Falls of Crepuscule

2009-12-24T15:27:00.003+08:00

Whispers erupt from the bristles of the leaves,

Sunlight slowly bereaves,

As darkness crawls limb by limb,

Sight grows dim,

Cold etching its way in,

The silent din,

Flickering in darkness,

Hope in finding the chill of a furnace,

Has life turned blind,

Of pain and fate has life entwined....

A veil of clarity,

That would bind eternally,

Sweeping by with utmost intricacy,

A touch of sheer delicacy,

A gloss of reflection,

Of pain and passion,

Woven with silken desire,

Embedded with an upheld fire,

The sear of such frailty,

Burning through infinity.

The moist of tears,

As tangible as the chill of fears,

Streets lay bare,

A thought with nothing to share,

An emptiness that burns,

Fate so firmly spurns,

A single drop,

A heart that finally does stop,

The drop that floods the world,

As the waves unfurl,

The shatter of that single blink,

That let a life's worth of hope sink,

As nothingness unravels from a world within,

A world void of pain, of sin...

A world of hope and of dreams,

A world where passion flows through nimble streams,

A world of where the heart dwells,

A world without hells....

The Pisces in....ME?

2009-12-24T14:10:00.016+08:00

Firstly, confession numero uno, I'm a horoscope junkie. I LOVE checking out daily horoscope readings and finding the best ones for the day :P hehehe (I'm not one for objectivity~ my obsession so sue me!) I don't actually take them seriously but it is quite an interesting read and from time to time I do find myself looking in the mirror and thinking, "Do I?" or "Am I?" But hey, it's all in the name of fun. So to all the Pisces folks out there... Have a read, have a laugh and have a thought! Enjoy! =)

P I S C E S

In the scheme of astrology each of the zodiac signs supposedly indicates the level of evolution beginning with Aries and finishing with your sign, Pisces. There’s no doubt that the water signs, Pisces being the final and most mature of them, indicates your spiritually developed character.

The ruling symbol of your star sign is the fish and just as the fish lives in the ocean, so to is Pisces suffused with feeling and empathy, the emotions that are characterized by water. You truly are a compassionate and unconditionally loving person.

You have a universal approach to the way you live and this is seen in most of your actions. Whenever you see someone suffering, or in some type of trouble, it touches your heart and you can’t help but offer your assistance. Your heart goes out to them. Even if you’re in a hurry, busy doing something else, you’ll take time out of your busy day to lend a helping hand where you can. It is second nature for you to care.

Your friends know you to be a person upon whose shoulders they can rest their weary and heavy heads inn times of stress. They look to you when they feel they need to offload their problems. You’re always there to help reassure and calm them.

One of the difficulties with your sensitive nature is that you avoid making hard decisions at times, especially if you feel this is going to undermine someone else. With close friends and family members you’ll do anything to help them but don’t forget you must also help yourself. Some Pisces are so habituated to this attitude that they themselves end up becoming the sacrificial lamb in their relationships. You should try to recognise when you’re being used as no one gains from this. Balancing your needs and those of others is a particularly important lesson for you.

Because you’re an intuitive person you don’t always like to think your problems through. Using your emotions and your deeper intuitive powers is the way you prefer to resolve your life problems, even if others don’t quite see the sense in it. Pisces, you are somewhat of a daydreamer aren’t you? Nevertheless your instincts are powerful and more often than not correct. Your ability to foresee things before it actually happens is quite uncanny. I’ve known many Pisceans who become psychics and clairvoyant as they have the ability to act as mediums. Remember though that intuition can only go so far. Learn to develop your thinking processes as well as your intuitive feelings.

You have an instinctive understanding that there’s a unifying thread throughout all of life. You see this sometimes more clearly than you see the real world. As a result, you can tap into the universal consciousness and produce wonderful works of art and music. You should allow yourself the opportunity to express your vision of life. Culture is important to you ands you love to surround your self with artwork, music poetry and fine furnishings.

You’re a very emotional person so you need the support of people to allow you to express this. Sometimes because you’re so hypersensitive it works against you and you end up absorbing the negativity of people around you. You mustn’t let others drag you down into their world of bad feelings.

You’re idealistic about the way you see the world and unfortunately what you see is not in keeping with your aspiration. You have to learn to accept the world with all its faults.

Sometimes you’re out of step with the world around you so be careful not to end up living in a world of your own making. You need loving friends to help your feet carefully planted on the ground so your creative dream weaving doesn’t make you impractical. You’re gentle, impressionable and receptive. You want to share your emotions and are also happy to receive the demonstrative love of others.

You try to hide just how sensitive you are and if someone insults you tend to suppress these feelings and can become depressed. You mustn’t be afraid to speak up even if you do upset or anger someone by doing so.

You enjoy your own company and are quite satisfied to potter around in a quiet way and enjoy what nature and life have to offer. You’re equally comfortable in a social environment. Sometimes you do feel isolated and a little disconnected from life. This makes you feel dispassionate even if you do seem to be enjoying what is going on.

Because you are an observer of human nature you are philosophical and realise that nothing lasts forever. If, for example, in relationships you have to let go of someone, then so be it. You understand that all good things must pass.

Your destiny is primarily connected to wisdom, self-knowledge and compassionate service to the world. You must be free to live your life on these terms and if you’re able to do so you’ll become much more secure within yourself and at the same time can bring great satisfaction to those who are lucky enough to come into contact with you.

Of Merriment and Joys

2009-12-15T17:46:00.011+08:00

Okay I'm the biggest sap you can ever find! And saying so myself, you better believe me! I adore the whole romance idea and I'm totally into the idea of "till death do us part". And so I think it is only fitting that I congratulate the two newly weds on their nuptials that took place two weeks ago. Welcome to the world of marital bliss and may you never look back and wonder what you missed out on if you had stayed in the singledom! :P :P okay, okay... I'm kidding! I can literally feel glares coming at me from all angles like torpedoes!

Before I get all mushy about marriage and so on, lets take a more light feathered sight into the world of marriage. In other words, lets poke some fun at it! No offence to all those wedded couples out there! :P

Lets start it off then!

1) My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

2) Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

3) A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.'

4) A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

5) I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Annoying right! Most jokes seemed to be aimed at women! Sexist idiots! Ah well! ;)

Of course then there are the sweetest of the sweetest that I stumbled upon... My top 5 picks!

1) Two souls with but a single thought,Two hearts that beat as one. (Friedrich Halm)

2) To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage. (Lao Tzu)

3) Two such as you with such a master speed cannot be parted nor be swept away from one another once you are agreed that life is only life forevermore together wing to wing and oar to oar. (Robert Frost)

4) There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage. (Martin Luther)

5) A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. (Germaine Greer)

Sweet aren't they? Makes your heart flicker at the sight of these wonderful words that speak of eternal undivided love. But of course, nothing seems more meaningful when it is written from the very depths of our own heart. Though we cannot come close to the abilities of Robert Frost or Shakespeare, words that are spoken sincerely from the bottom of our hearts come with something far more precious. They come with love and no flowery poetry or romantic phrase can replace that single emotion that comes attached to the simplest words.

I wish you both a truly happy married life. I will forever cherish all that you have given me and I shall be eternally grateful to the both of you for endowing me with your beautiful presence. Have a beautiful life together.

Woes and Willows

2009-12-13T20:57:00.006+08:00

I curl up by the window,

The trees sway, leaves fall slow,

The wind caresses my cheek,

The warmth of the sun today seems weak,

The chill brings about a cold from within,

The icy shards of emptiness, of blistering sin,

The prick of frost on the naked skin,

In silence comes a deafening din.

As memories trickle down like rain drops on frosted glass,

A blinding sweep of a willowed past,

The hurt, anger, frustration swept away,

The heart and head no longer in an endless fray,

But left behind is an emptiness,

An intricate blend of loneliness and sorrow weaved with finesse,

The darkness around engulfs like a wave of strength,

An uncertainty and stagnation that knows no lengths,

The shadows that fall behind,

Now unable to find,

A cheek streaked with tears,

A heart filled with fears,

A heart yearning for a return,

Fingers remembering a touch that from within burn,

An embrace that held truth,

Words that soothed,

Eyes that spoke of comfort and faith,

Pain and sorrow seem now its fitting fate.

A fault or a wrong,

A fact of choice or truth belong,

A sight not seen,

A feeling the heart cannot wean,

Of what is true and what is not,

Of what had passed and what is to be fought,

A blur is all but lies therein,

The sting of fate pulses through at every moment through every vein,

Fist gripped like vice,

Truth that seemed like lies,

What lies ahead time denies,

What lies within logic defies.

The passing of time brings no hope but all thats missed,

A walk down a path painted with mist,

Darkness falls with no call,

Sorrow shatters with no stall,

An end of fate with eyes shut,

An end that came without a start....

Emilia- Big Big Girl In A Big Big World

2009-12-13T11:31:00.007+08:00

Its been a LOOOONG time! Jeez, so much for my promises and resolutions! In my defence.... Okay, so I don't have a viable one. I'm always busy and this time is no exception! Nonetheless, I'm back baby! Lolz! Well, seeing that I haven't posted any songs for a while now, I figured I'd do exactly that as this little number struck a chord in my mind when I least expected it. I was getting my hair done (cousin's engagement) at the salon, when I hear this song. Not only did the words sort of mean something significant but the song brought back so many memories. The times when life was filled with nothing but insignificant worries and meaningful joys. A time of blissful ignorance. A time when fun didn't have any worrying insinuations pegged to it (not that my idea of fun now does- a notion that my parents would revel with joy and my friends cringe with despair- sorry guyz!) So here it is!

Emilia- Big Big Girl In A Big Big World

I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel that
I do do will miss you much
Miss you much...
I can see the first leaf falling
It's all yellow and nice
It's so very cold outside
Like the way I'm feeling inside
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel that
I do do will miss you much
Miss you much...
Outside it's now raining
And tears are falling from my eyes
Why did it have to happen
Why did it all have to end
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel that
I do do will miss you much
Miss you much...
I have your arms around me ooooh like fire
But when I open my eyes
You're gone...
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel that
I do do will miss you much
Miss you much...
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do feel I will miss you much
Miss you much...

Life is an endless journey filled with love, longing, pain and wonders. And though some figures would grace our lives momentarily while others remain powerful anchors of our time, every second of each and every presence sparks an emotion in us. Be it one that we cherish or one that we despair, it allows us to feel nonetheless. So in a way, I guess, I'm grateful to all who have been part of my life in whichever way possible, be it for a minute or throughout my life, you have imparted me with the ability to feel and appreciate you.

Fairy Tale of Mine

2009-10-31T19:41:00.001+08:00

Do I say yes or do I say no,

Can I ask, what it is you're looking for,

How can I go any further,

When all I do is sink down deeper,

When will my time come nearer,

When will you be closer,

What is that my heart seeks,

Is it the stars or or its lighted streaks,

How will I see what I need to,

How will this heart know what it must do,

I look above,

I look beyond,

All I search for is true love,

Across the seas,

Through the sweet smelling breeze,

On bended knees

Where is the passion that I yearn for,

Where is that gold bright shining door,

Where is that beacon of light,

Where is my strong, shining knight

The fairy tales,

In true life pales,

Will a dream be more than a story,

Where is my fairy,

The nights far from starry,

And this will grows weary

But look away it shall not,

For too long this heart has fought,

Dreams will be lived,

Joy relived,

My very own fairy tale,

When all else might fail,

My heart shall never stop,

My will shall never drop,

This love shall be mine,

My prince charming I will find,

My very own happily ever after I shall pen,

And then,

I shall have my very own fairy tale,

All in that white ivory veil....

Abnormally EVIL!!!!!!!!!

2009-10-31T13:36:00.003+08:00

I can't believe this girl!!!! ARGH!!!!

http://dreamworldreality.blogspot.com/2009/10/dee-will-hate-me-xd.html

Kepada Siapa

2009-10-31T08:39:00.003+08:00

Titisan air yang mencoret tingkapku,

Bagaikan air mataku,

Angin yang bertiup sepoi,

Kenanganku melambai,

Hati ini yang bergelora,

Jiwaku tidak berhenti membara,

Dimanakah haluan tujuanku,

Dimanakah bimbinganmu,

Tanpa arah ku tersesat,

Airmataku mengalir tanpa dikesat,

Genggaman takdir yang semakin menguat,

Melihat kembali hatiku meluat,

Inikah sebabnya air mataku kehabisan,

Kau yang tidak berperasaan,

Kau yang melahirkan impian didalamku,

Kau yang membuatkan ku terkenangkanmu,

Kau mewujudkan keinginan palsu,

Kau yang membuatkan hatiku lesu,

Senyuman yang mengukir muka,

Kini dipenuhi dukacita,

Dimanakah haluanku,

Kembalilah ke pangkuanku,

Hati dan jiwa ini sudah lemah,

Penungguanku akan dibalas jemah,

Hayat ini atau yang seterusnya,

Soalanku akan ditanya,

Dan jawapannya,

Akan diterima.....

Abnormally Mean!

2009-10-24T23:39:00.002+08:00

First time I dress talk to abnormal and she does this to me! Traitor!

http://dreamworldreality.blogspot.com/2009/10/someone-said-lace-is-uncomfotable-p.html

More Random Reports

2009-10-22T09:36:00.003+08:00

This is just a little add-on to the earlier post titled All Things Lace... I don't want to leave you people with the notion that I only have 15 quirks... Call it honesty (I can see eyes rolling! damn you!) or a mere compulsion.... But yeah, fact is, there's more than 15... A LOT MORE.... However, my honesty comes with a certain guideline in terms of divulgence. So I'll keep the list to a minimal 10 this time =)

10) I love children and wouldn't mind having about 10 of my own some day....

9) I APPARENTLY eat in a very sexual way.... (I don't believe this one tiny bit!) Especially when it comes to ice cream, coffee and sausages... *rolls eyes...

8) My ideal date would be a trip to the museum or the science centre and dinner afterwards at a good mamak joint.... (says a lot about me rite...jeez)

7) I like ice creams A LOT! In order of preference from least to most, 7-11 ice creams, baskin robbins, frosty, haagen daaz, mango mania, gelatissimo and the crowning glory goes to..... paddlepop!!!

6) I love flowers... lillies are my favourite... roses are beautiful too... I love candles as well... lavendar or sea breeze.... okay, im falling asleep! snap out of it!

5) I totally love horror flicks! Really! I don't like romance and stuff... too sappy! but horror~ bring it on baby!

4) I dont eat red meat... The only land meat I eat is chicken... I love salads! (yes, I'm an utter abomination, I know)

3) I don't want to admit it, but I guess moving away from denial is the first step. I'm OCD. I need to have some form of order in my life. I don't like anything scattered on my table. I need the table mess-less when I leave it. And I have this thing that when I do the bed, it has to be smooth. As in no creases or wrinkles. I can't stand it. And I always need to have the last say when it comes to smses. If I didn't send the last sms in a conversation, trust me, or rather you should know, something isn't right. BODYSNATCHERS! Lol...

2) I LOVE roller-coasters! Another place for an ideal outing is the THEME PARK! I would kill for a trip to an amusement park... sigh...

1) I'm a verbal person.... I believe the strongest and most effective form of communication is through language. Therefore, I love letters, emails, texts... anything that allows me to read... Hence, my love for poetry and my devotion to books!