Me, Myself and Insanity

“When times get tough the tough get going”

Story of my life I once used to think. Whenever things got tough, rough and edgy, I simply went. Never looking back I went. Fuelled by anger, shame, a drive like no other, I went without looking back. Was I wrong? Have I gone forth so much that I can’t look back without cringing? Drowning myself with work has always worked. Never really having the time on my hands has left me with a sense of security as I suffocated myself with something I had labelled “productive” Never had I once thought that they sacrifices I made would one day show up at my doorstep demanding an explanation. Had I grown up way too fast? Had I thrown away my youth for the sake of seeking approval? What was it I wanted so badly out of this painstaking way of life?

Don’t get me wrong, I have never once held my decisions or my choices in the light of regret. But these questions that have accompanied my moments of loneliness now seem to greet my mind when preoccupation has filtered through. Who am I? What is my purpose in life? I’ve never had a truly meaningful existence have I? If I were to suddenly disappear, would anyone truly miss me? As in not just my presence, but me, the person that I am. What am I or have I offered others in terms of a friendship? Sometimes I feel so undeserving of all the kindness and the love that seem to blanket me with such easing comfort. What have I done to deserve the grace and beauty that simply seems to fall at my feet? I have wonderful parents, beautiful family members and adoring friends. What have I done to earn all of them? Do I even deserve them? Self-doubt, anxiety and questions plague my every inch of sanity.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by everything that goes around me. There are times when I just feel like throwing everything away and disappearing forever. A thought that carves a smile across my face is I remember a friend once saying, “One day you may go to sleep forever” If only. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not suicidal or anything. But I just wish that I could take everything away for just one day. The pain. The thoughts. The memories. The bitterness. The ache that simply never seems to fade away. It’s exhausting having to pretend being strong all the time. To seem like whenever times got tough, others could turn to me to get everyone and everything going. For once, I just want to be the one who’s taken care of. For a little while, I just want to be able to shift all the responsibilities that cripple to someone else for just a little while. My shoulders ache from the heave that I’ve been lugging around and even for a split second, I wish I could just relieve myself of some stress. But somehow, I’ve never been able to move this load.

For me, when the tough got going, my whole life followed suit.

Every time I look at the window,

Sight greets me with life, with sorrow,

The sun that shines leaves me with a question,

If its shine will forever be in my possession,

Will the warmth I feel ever fade,

Will its glow one day evade,

Will I ever be alone,

Are these the seeds of life and love I’ve sown,

I look out at the gay and merry garden,

Of colour, vibrance and vigour the land is laden,

Smiles dawn at its mere sight,

It sends your heart and joy soaring to new heights,

With that joy a notion dawns,

Will these smiles one day be replaced by frowns,

Will the joy in my heart ever last,

Or will they fade with the colours of the blooms into the gray past……

The birds soar, gliding through the heavenly clouds,

The white carpet blanketing them like smooth shrouds,

The comfort, warmth and security,

The feeling of being unguarded, free,

Will it ever be mine,

This feeling will I ever find,

A question I now not the answer to,

A question that’s not anew….

The rooms around speak of silence,

I sit at a desk staring into space,

Why do we make the choices we do? What governs our actions? How do we choose to sacrifice one aspect of our lives in favor of another? How can we be so blinded to so many voices around us in favor for something that does nothing but purely gratifies our desires?

Someone once told me, you wouldn’t understand love as you’ve never actually been in a real relationship before. As much as that stung, I have to admit it’s true. My relationships have never really been full-fledged neither have they been in the actual sense of the word REAL. May be I’m prone to self-sabotage potential relationships, maybe I’m hesitant of emotional (and for all you snickering idiots out there, physical as well) intimacy or maybe I’m simply way to picky for my own good. Whatever the reason may be behind my choices, the fact of the matter is, I haven’t really experienced romantic love like some people have. And reaching a far crying age of 22, it seems rather pathetic. But the one matter that bothered me is that, how could anyone deny me the right at claiming that though I had not experienced the emotion, that I would not understand it? I do realize that an emotion has to be thoroughly felt in order to achieve the extent of what it entails, but to say that I had no inkling of what it was in entirety was rather ignorant, or so my ego would perceive.

So from a completely naïve and inexperienced perspective, I drew out what I thought love truly is. To me to love someone is to put them ahead of you. To find it deep within the realms of your heart to make decisions that would be for the better of them and not in motion with your own desires. Love should motivate, appreciate and generate a positive growth and not deteriorate or stagnate a person’s growth. Pain is inevitable in love but that pain should never be a deterrence but it should help enforce a person to deal with the harsh realities of life. It should be there in moments of sorrow and fragments of joy. The one emotion to draw strength from and the one emotion to share insecurities with. Love should give you a world’s worth of confidence and yet be your guiding force in keeping you grounded. It is the emotion that sets equilibrium in life and propels that need for happiness and a drive to succeed not for the means of gratifying your ego but for the simplest means of seeing a smile on your better half’s face.

Love aims to make you a better person. It aims to lift you to new heights. Love never detracts nor does it ever retract. I may not know in entirety what love is all about from a romantic perspective but I do know what love feels like and I know that the love I’ve shared and experienced through life has thought me these very tiny yet significant lessons. The love I’ve had for my parents have seen sacrifices but never to an extent that would diminish the person I am. The love I’ve shared with my friends has motivated me in doing better in life. The laughter, joy and tears we’ve shared simply adds to the fact that our lives are intertwined with great complexity but none too complex to know that we want the best for each other. We push each other up that step ladder and would never hesitate in crawling back down a step to help boost one of us up. Sacrifice and love do tend to go hand in hand. But to what extent would love accept sacrifice as an accompaniment? If life was to be taken for granted and all that was to be gained out of love was pain and misery, then that would be a far cry from love itself. To throw away life as a mere excuse of loving someone is not sacrifice, its stupidity.

Never besmirch love with lust and never associate sacrifice with the vain attempts at securing your lustful urges. That is by far the greatest insult that anyone could ever bestow upon the name of love. Love isn’t simply an emotion shared by two people that leave all reason and logic at the door. Love is also shared between a father and a daughter, a brother and a sister and its shared by friends alike. So never turn your back on all that love that’s already surrounded in claims that you’re doing so for love. For the truth lies within you as much as others can see it too, that what’s in your heart was definitely not love but in essence, lust.

Mataku menatap wajahmu yang menatang kesedihan,

Setiap patah perkataanmu mencurahkan kepiluan dengan perlahan,

Matamu yang memerah dengan keinginan, fikiran dan perasaan,

Adakah hatimu tenang dengan kepuasan?

Wajahmu membayangkan ciri rasa hatimu,

Kata yang dituturi penuh emosi dilitupi ilmu,

Keperitan hati yang dipelajari,

Dari kehidupan sehari demi sehari,

Nadamu yang penuh kerinduan,

Kehidupan dipenuhi perhitungan,

Jikalau hidup ini senang difahami,

Jikalau perjalanan ini boleh secukupnya diselami,

Bayangkan dirimu tanpa halangan dan pertandingan,

Hidupmu sempurna, tanpa tandingan,

Tapi itukah namanya kehidupan?

Bebas dari keperitan, diselimuti perlindungan,

Hati gemalai yang senang dilukai ini,

Tidak pernah diguris sebegini,

Kegelapan malam membawa teman memori yang memeraskan hati,

Sebahagian hidup yang amat sukar ditelani,

Hati dan sanubari yang bergelora,

Jiwa yang kini membara,

Mengambil langkah tersebut dengan hati yang dipenuhi keazaman,

Dari mula hingga ke akhir hayat kau akan diteman,

Dengan hatimu tersendiri,

Ukirkanlah hati yang berseri,

Di mana jua kau berada,

Gunakanlah hatimu sebagai persada...