I know its a clichè but I suppose I have been caught up with the Monday Blues... There are so many things that I want to do, so many things I want to say... But for some reason, I simply can't bring myself to doing any of them or saying them out loud. Its as though there's a wedge buried inside me that I can't choke out. I imagined all sorts of adventures, meeting all sorts of people and discovering all sorts of places. To be frank, though I didn't want to leave home, I was a little excited at the prospect of being somewhere different for a change. I was scared, I won't lie, but I still had a tiny inkling in me that felt I could possibly like my new home in a strange, foreign land. Today, I think to myself, where is that sense of excitement? What happened to the jolt of adrenaline I used to feel when I thought of this place? Were my expectations too high? Had I upstaged my adventure all in my mind? Ironically, staying with family has never made me feel more estranged than I feel now... I've seen and experienced my fair share of dysfunctional families but this one seems to have an affect on me like no other. Perhaps its the notion that I feel my arrival here is far from welcomed. I feel like I've imposed... I have never been one to receive charity...And I mean be it by anyone, I find it almost difficult to seek help unless I'm absolutely comfortable with a person. I don't know if its pride, but I do know that I am unwilling to allow myself to seem vulnerable to anyone. To trust someone I'm not tremendously close to with the fact that I'm susceptible is not a thought that I'm willing to even consider. I wouldn't say its pride but a sense of fear. Fear that I may be scorned upon. Fear that I may not be able to live up to the expectations that surround me. Fear that I may very well be a disappointment to all.
Sitting here without company or my usual hectic schedule to distract me, I'm faced with all the pent up worries that had been bubbling inside unnoticed all this while. I drowned myself with work and company because I was afraid to deal with these issues and now that I have nothing to keep my mind occupied, I can't help but submerge myself in this cauldron of brewing poison. At first I thought that it would be healthy to deal with these issues. It would be a way of understanding myself and that it was finally time for me to resolve these problems. But the deeper and deeper I dig, the more frightened I become. I'm frightened of what I might uncover. I'm afraid of what I might unearth. Am I really the person that I seem to be? Or is there a whole pile of crap stewing on the inside? Frankly, I don't know if I can deal with it on my own.
I've had amazing friends all my life. And one of the most daunting trepidations I faced before coming here would be making and meeting the same kind of friends that I was leaving behind. At first I brushed my quandaries aside, attributing them to my known neuroticism and paranoia, but its been a whole month and I've never felt lonelier in my life. Despite the fact that I'm living with family makes me feel worse that I could feel so lonely. Confined to a house that I barely recognize as it feels hollow, empty and cold makes me want to curl up in bed and not wake up. I just feel so lost and alone. Every morning I wake up with a thought or rather, a hope that today would be different. Today I would discover that I belonged here... That I felt at peace... only to end the day counting the days till I would return home. Its so difficult waking up some times and wondering where I am.... Wondering where is this place..... Wondering what I'm doing here....The only reason I'm here in this empty nest is for the one I left.... They have such big dreams and hopes for me... Such wonderful expectations that I can't help but find it hurting my shoulders as I carry it day and night... Will I ever be good enough to fulfill their wishes? All the pain and hurt inside is nothing compared to the one I would face if I let them down... Nothing would break my heart more than to see my family saddened by worst of all, me. I just wished things weren't so hard. I just wish I felt a little sense of familiarity... A feeling of belonging...
HUGS!!!!!! *pat pat* love youuuu dee. dunno what else I can say cept that life can only get better. and it will for someone with karma as good as yours. love ya. (guling says she feels like hugging you)
I don't know too... somehow thats what ive been telling myself but it simply stays the same...even if it gets worse it would break this horrid cycle but it doesn't... i just don't feel like i belong here...
:) I know how that felt. :) Everything will be fine. Just need your time. We are all here for you! Hugs!
We have new blog! Wahahaha
http://cooking-misadventures.blogspot.com/ =)
You guyz i love it! and derek... Thankz! I love u guyz... =)